“Give It To Me (Love)”

Karasu 012409

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Summary: (fxf, one-shot) I only pretended to meet her at a bookstore where the sun shone perfection onto everything…

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My headphones were firmly in place as we crossed over the Golden Gate Bridge. I had to keep my face passive; my mantra was “you are calm, you are calm, you are calm.”

Even though I definitely wasn’t.

My nerves had gotten the best of me that morning, when I was stooped over on the side of the highway puking up PopTarts and White Cheddar Cheez-its (that tasted better going in rather than out, surprise). I vowed not to let it happen again, but I tasted bottled water at the back of my throat.
Today was the day… the day I would finally meet the girl I loved.

You know how those old-fashioned Baby Boomers don’t like the Internet? Well, yeah, guess who my parents were? So I couldn’t exactly tell them I was going to meet the lovely maiden I had fallen head over heels with.

Even though my dad was far more laid back than my mom was about it. He would probably just be upset that he’d never walk me down the aisle or play with my grandchildren (even though I had three planned out, if she was willing to comply, of course). My mom, though, would have a royal fucking hissy fit.

I met whom online?! How long ago?! You know, the works. The shit mom’s are supposed to do.

But what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them…

That’s why we had agreed to meet in secret. My family (namely: my uncle, cousin, and mother) planned a trip to San Antonio every other year, to go see my aunt. My other uncle lived about five minutes away from my parents and I (before they got a divorce and my mom and I moved in with my uncle; shit you didn’t really need to know but oh, well), which really has nothing to do with what I’m telling you.

Anyway, Uncle Numero Uno had mentioned something about “San Francisco isn’t that far away, really, when you’re in San Antonio.” Hell, even the names matched. I was as good as fucking sold.

My mom, however, took some time to come around. “We don’t have the money.” “Who’s in San Francisco that we know?” “Where will we stay?” That’s just how my mom was: practical.

But my uncle was having none of it. None of us had ever been further west than San Antonio, and my uncle was really itching to see everything (I was in it for the Gay Pride Parades, amirite?; well, and not to mention…).

Finally, my mom relented, and bam! Here we were.

It was almost too hot for me (fuck I hated hot weather), but just the prospect of seeing not only a Gay Pride Parade, but her… Oh, I’da braved the fires of Hell to get to her.

I felt a tapping on my shoulder, and was immediately taken away from my favourite song to see my mom smiling to me, “What do you want to go do first?”

The clock read 12:37. Perfect, she wouldn’t arrive at the mall until at least 2, so we had some time to kill. Not that my mom and uncle knew that… (hell, I’d even kept it from my cousin, who was tied with her in the spot of my best friend)

“Uh, whatever, I just wanna hit the mall next,” I placed my headphones back on my head, indulging in my song (that she sent me, thanks) and trying to pretend like I didn’t notice the glares my cousin was sending my way.

Jealousy makes one an ugly person.

But I can’t say that I haven’t felt it first-hand, too. And I’m positive that she did it just to make me angry. But hey, isn’t that how the world works?

It was times like those that I just had to tell myself that she would never do that. Never make me feel unwanted or ugly. We loved being alike, loved loving the same things. We could talk about anything in the world, even if most of the time, it turned out that we were talking about how much we loved each other. How happy we made each other.

We were practically a couple.

And, hell, I knew that she was my soulmate. Anyone who knew about us shipped us. And I’m not even joking about it.

Constantly, I had friends asking me “so, are you two dating yet?” “You talk about her like you’re dating!” “You two are so cute, when did you start dating?”

And fuck me, I wished like hell we were dating. Life would be so much easier. I could tell people whom I was with, rather than keep everything sneaky-sneaky like I was doing. But, hey, I had made my bed… I had to lay in it.

I think she understood, too. Because as much as I loved my then-girlfriend, I loved her, too.

Part of me didn’t think it was fair, to keep telling her that I loved her and wanted her, and in the same breath, I’d tell her that I loved my girlfriend, too. I was stringing her along because, well (and this is the truth), I hoped that there would be a “forever” with her, too.

I’d have settled for an open, polyamorous relationship. People made it work every day! But my girlfriend was jealous of the bond I had with her. And she wouldn’t settle for less than me and me only.

I didn’t want to lose either of them, so I just kept going along the path I had started trekking. Eventually, I’d lose both of them because I couldn’t decide, but right now… hell, I guess everything was going okay.

We ended up going out to eat first. Good, it would kill an hour and a half or so.

Mom and I ate fast food (because I’m goddamn picky and I like clogging my arteries, thanks), but my uncle and cousin wanted to try something from the nearest Asian restaurant, which happened to be located in Chinatown, was fine and fucking dandy with me.

I love Asia!

So we shopped some (yay for treats and adorable tea sets!), ate some, and checked out the hot Asian men (damnnn). And finally, the two hours was up. I didn’t have a cell phone (correction: I did but we didn’t text each other), so I couldn’t just call her and be like “HEY WHAT’S UP WE’RE HERE.” I had to go with my gut intuition.

And, if you know me well enough (or, hey, now you do), I’m a Pisces and I’m a woman. So I got double the awesome intuition.

“Mall time?” I asked my mom and uncle. They nodded, shrugged, and off we went. My mom hated to shop, so she would most likely find a bench located directly outside of the store we were in, but my uncle… he loved to shop more than I did. I went in, looked at what I wanted to, and then left. Ten minutes tops (better give me thirty for the bookstores), depending on if I was trying on clothes or not (which I hardly ever did; I fucking hated clothes shopping).

But finally… we were here. They’d better give me about forty minutes in this bookstore.

Even so, I knew that no matter how much time we had together, it would never be enough. It wouldn’t be enough unless I was at her side forever.

Knowing this, still, I headed in the direction of the bookstore.

We were supposed to make this look “natural.” Just a casual pair of girls meeting in the casual comic book/manga section of a casual Borders in a casual mall 2,421 miles away from where I currently lived.

I took a deep breath as the sign towered over me. I was to remain calm, even though I doubted that I could. Just seeing her, in the flesh, for real would be enough to give me the pleasant willies. Fuck, just thinking about it was.

But, I scrounged up all of my acting skills (wait, when did I get those?), and I walked in…

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Oh, fucking Christ.

Her back was turned to me, but I would’ve recognized her regardless. Butterflies that felt like they were made of acid started flying around my ribcage. Oh, god, am I going to throw up again?! What a way to meet…

“HEY BABY—blurgh.”

Those poor manga.

But no… I kept it down. My mantra was wearing thin, and I had to keep telling myself what I was doing.

Look through the G section… wait, no, you don’t read anything that starts with a G—oh hey, what’s she got. Sidelong look? There, alright, good.

She was thumbing through the Petshop of Horrors manga (ooh, I had meant to read that, but could never find it in my little town of Bum-Fuck Egypt), eyes scanning over each page even though she had read it all before. A delicate hand pushed back a stray lock of her hair.
I wanted to walk up behind her, wrap my arms around that tiny little middle of hers, and bury my face in that hair. But… no, I had to be sly about this. I had to be cool, even though it was totally against my nature.

Oh, so totally against it.

Move closer to her. More sidelong looks, perfect. No, don’t squeal, squealing gives you away!
My cousin glared daggers at me as she purposefully stalked past the manga section (even though it was her favourite and normally, we couldn’t drag her away from all the nummy yaoi). My uncle was off somewhere else—maybe the political biography section? And, of course, true to her nature, my mom was sitting in one of the chairs close to the door.

Her parents were nowhere to be seen (were they more like my mom or my uncle, I wondered), so all was clear. I could be as smooth as I wanted (or not) and nobody would notice…

Taking in a deep breath, I decided that I was going to go according to plan.

I sidled closer to her, catching the scent of the perfume she used (is it creepy that I bought the same one and sprayed it on my pillow? Because I totally did), “Hey there, you like Petshop of Horrors?”

Coming from my mouth, it still sounded completely creepy and weird. But she turned around…

And I saw the recognition in her eyes.

A smile formed on her lips, and oh god, I feel those butterflies really bad right about now. “Yeah, it’s pretty good. The art is… really beautiful.”

The way she was looking at me sent shivers racing up and down my spine. She was even more beautiful (not that it was possible, but go with me) in person, staring up at me with those cute little green eyes. “So I’ve heard.”

Now wasn’t the time for small talk… but we had to make this look like we hadn’t been online friends for three years, almost-lovers for almost as long. All I wanted to do was pin her to that damn bookcase, kiss her like I had dreamt of kissing her for years.

But no… I had to be patient. I would get my chance, I was sure (we had joked about it for so long that it seemed like it was inevitable, anyway).

“What’re you looking for?”

Oh, she was sly. That was probably my most favourite part about her. The way she twisted and used words to her advantage. It’s what first got me interested in her, too. Some things never change, eh.

“Something… that I’ve been searching for for a few years now. Something beautiful and charming, witty, that can fuel my love for eye candy as well as commitment. Do you think you’ve got a suggestion?” I could be sly as well. Nowhere near her level, but oh—I tried.

Her smile widened, eyes flicking down to the carpet then back up to meet mine. I never looked anyone in the eyes, but her… I willingly submitted my soul to her.

“I think I might have one,” she extended her hand. Our first touch, oh, this was going to be cemented into my memory for the rest of my life. “I’m Rolin.”

“Auren, nice to meet you,” I took her hand, reveling in the smooth, warm flesh touching mine. Touching! Oh, we were touching!

I caught the smile that played with her lips; that knowing smile. It made my façade crumble a little, too, and I smiled. Correction: we shared that smile.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” she let go of my hand after a while, placing Petshop of Horrors back on the shelf.

The next part of the plan, we had only talked about maybe once. Jokingly, maybe? But I was completely serious when I told her that I’d be glad to have a hot, public bathroom-y make-out fest with her.
She walked past me, filling my nostrils with that wonderful scent I used to hug and play pretend with at night.

“Leaving so soon?” I turned around, catching a glimpse of her backside again. Those lovely, small shoulders, perfectly arched back, and yeah, I checked out her ass, too.

Looking over her shoulder, still smiling so that I could just barely see the silver of her braces, she murmured, “I have to go to the bathroom. Jeez, stalker much?”

My heart skipped a beat. I never thought she’d go through with it. And she made a reference to all of those times I called myself her “creepy stalker.” This was going to be better than I ever had imagined… I let her walk out of the store, my eyes trained on her the whole time, and then… I followed.

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She looked up at me, through those longlonglong lashes of her, her lips still turned up in a smirk. When we were this close, our height difference was really apparent. For once in my life, I was the tall once.

But, oh god, I didn’t know how to initiate this!

Every single kiss I had ever received in my life were initiated by the other person (okay, so maybe I leaned in first for one of them, but she was holding me there, it’s not like I had a choice in the matter). I expected them, but I didn’t seek them out (I was prone to finding myself kissing other people while in a committed relationship; whoops). I kissed back, but never said “hey let’s try this.”

Kissing, anyway, is awkward. Unless it’s done in a friendly way and you know it’s not going to go further than just a peck on the lips. Those hour-long, tongue-involved make-out fests were just… weird. And I hated saliva. So gross.

“So, uh,” I started, pulling my lower lip into my teeth. Bad habit, I know. That’s why my lips look like shit all the time.

She was still smiling at me and I had a hard time stringing words together. She took a step forward, pressing me further up against the wall of the bathroom stall, eyes never faltering, breathing coming in steady inhaleexhale motions.

And, all at once, her lips were on mine. Soft, pursed, I could feel her breath against my cheeks. Her eyes never left mine as she waited for me to kiss back.

It took me a few seconds (that felt like an eternity, Jesus) to calm my heart down enough and just to calm down in general enough to kiss her back. But once I did… oh… I watched her eyes slip shut before mine did the same thing and I just relied on instinct.

I could still feel her breath coming out in short puffs against my cheeks (all that shit about holding your breath when you kiss can kiss my ass; you need to breathe, you idiots!), and I’m sure she could feel mine, too. Her lips felt warm and soft (really, that’s the only way to describe them), but firm on mine and slowly (ever so fucking slowly), our chaste kiss became warmer, open-mouthed, needy.

I had wanted this for so long. And I’m sure she felt the same way.

Her hands caught my attention by cupping my cheek, the other lying flat against the bathroom stall (I felt rather guilty about it being… unromantic; but hell, when you were desperate…), and it reminded me that she might like it if I reciprocated a little bit more. I gripped my favourite place to grip when I kissed: hips.

And she had such a pretty pair to hold onto, too.

“I just wanted to let you know,” I panted, pulling away for just as long as I had to. “I love you…”

She smiled, her lips glowing pinkish-red under the fluorescent lights, “I love you, too, pookie.”

Steady, slowly, but surely, our saliva became liquid fire. Hands moved, bodies pressed together, lips gravitated (oh fuck I was going to have a hickey), and shirts… became unbuttoned…

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No, we didn’t fuck in the bathroom (that would’ve taken just a bit too long; our parents worried, you know). Even though we kinda both wanted to (don’t look at me like that!). We left together, though, hands linked between us (I’ve always wanted to do that) until we saw our parental units waiting.

Here came the tricky part, just like our “chance meeting.” We had to keep our cool (and fuck me I had to hide that hickey!) while I got glares from my cousin and my mom looked at me like I was a loon (I don’t make friends well, so how could I’ve become close with a girl I just met?!). I was trying to avoid the curious looks coming from her parents (wow, her dad did look the same as he did in those videos, cool). I would let her take care of that part. You know.

Even though I hoped that they would become my parents soon (oh my, but hadn’t one of her friends informed me that her mom was a bit… phobic, if you get what I mean?), it was her job to deal with them until she had the ring.

“Hey, mom,” I waved as we approached. She raised an eyebrow at me. “This is my friend, Rolin. We met in the bookstore. She likes Petshop of Horrors.”

“I didn’t know you read that,” my mom looked at us both, and I could see the screws in her head working.

I waved my hand again, this time dismissing whatever Mom had implied, “It’s not my fave, but the art is quite stunning.”

She caught that, I could tell, as she looked at me out of the corner of her lovely green eyes.

Mom dropped the subject, “Well, we’re ready to go. It was nice meeting you, Rolin.” Mom smiled to her, polite and steady, but with a hint of that “I know what’s going on” that she always had.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” she grinned, showing her teeth like a good girl (oh god, cousin stop with all that fucking glaring!) before turning to me. She pulled a pen out of her purse, writing her number on my hand. “I know I live pretty far away, but keep in touch, alright?”

She slipped in a wink and I wanted to kiss her fucking senseless. Again (oh my god there’s an again!!!).

“No problem,” I pulled her into a hug (one that lasted too long but oh well, she smelled great) before regretfully letting her go. Watching her retreat into the store again, I licked my lips and tried to think of the next time we might meet again.

Would it be because I had moved out to California for school? To move in with her? Would she still want to go to New York with me? Like we had planned? Would we take epic car rides across the country, chain-smoking (okay, maybe that was just me) and singing at the top of our lungs? Would we do everything else we had talked about in those late night conversations that you save just so you can read them over and over again?

I sighed and left it up to Fate. She didn’t believe in it, but oh, I did. Fate led me to her, I had no doubt. Fate smiled on our relationship. Blessed us, dare I say?

And I could only hope that maybe, one day, we’d be in a studio apartment, scraping by while the two of us taught in the same English department (in-between class make-out sessions, amirite?), maybe while taking care of a pet or two, painting and writing when we weren’t ravaging each other.

One day…

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The ride home was fucking awful. Not only were we separated by 2,421 miles again (fuck West Virginia being so goddamned far away), but I barely scraped by when my uncle asked me why there was a bruise on my neck (next time: be more careful, asswad).

Then I had to deal with my cousin asking me every single fucking detail (not that I would tell), asking me why I had ditched her. Asking me why our bond wasn’t enough.

I knew nobody would understand when we started saying “I love you.” Unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you just have no clue. And you can’t judge what you don’t know.

But I forged ahead anyway. Despite all of the negatives, I knew that WE were the positive that would outshine all of that. I had to believe that or our relationship would falter. And so far…

We were doing pretty damned great.

If I do say so myself.

Now I just had to wait.

And I’m not a very patient person…

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A.N.: I don’t know whether this counts as really fucking creepy or really fucking sweet. XD

This is the most autobiographical thing I’ve ever posted. Well, except that most of this didn’t happen. Or, well, hasn’t happened. Yet. (Also this is a bit of practice for honing my "style" for my autobiography that's coming up. 8Dd)

I love you, snuggle princess. X’3 /shot

Dedicated, of course, to Jangalian because she's (quite literally) the Rolin to my Auren~