a.n-- first and foremost, dont kill me. i know i have mentioned several times before about my distaste of capital letters. but honestly, my shift key is broken. secondly, inspired by a dream. once again for you, edw. i love you.

"mission 28"

they were looking at me as if id grown a second head. mouths all agape, eyes wide, like shocked mannequins they stared, unblinking, unmoving. just strange little corpses oddly enough, littered about with backs pressed against each other and one of the four walls of church. i sat before them, legs crossed, thigh resting against the warm skin of jasselines knee. i sighed, flinching as its echo met my ear drums with a nearly bone crushing silence. one boy directly in front of me, looked as if he wanted desperately to counter my previous statement with something smart assed, but busied himself instead with twirling his long oily dreads around his stubby ring finger and staring at the ground around my feet.

"i said, im gay." i tried again, my voice having little more effect than it had had in my previous attempt. great. ive rendered the masses dumb, blind, deaf, and stupid. and its only my second day of college youth group. i swallowed. tension pooled about my shoulders and leaked in tiny frigid ribbons down my spine, making me feel as if my whole torso would topple over into nothingness if someone didn’t break the silence soon. i was frozen into place, terrified of what their voices had the power to bestow.

"how...how do you, i mean. what possessed. no. i don’t, never mind." came from somewhere to my left. a girl with a voice that scraped across my nerves like sandpaper. i immediately wanted to shred her vocal chords, however that probably wouldn’t have been perceived as model christian etiquette. i shrugged instead, and met her eyes briefly before tossing them back to the burgundy and gold carpeted floor. i was less than enthusiastic, but i responded never the less.

"i was in middle school. met a girl. became utterly mesmerized by her eyes. let her break my heart a couple thousand times, and i guess that somewhere in the pure seduction of it all i realized i loved her. no different than when you meet a cute guy."

"the hell you say." i bristled. fuck proper christian etiquette. i was ready to fight. jass elbowed me fiercely in the side, a warning of the hell id have to pay if i ruined things for her. i growled in defeat, but did not relax. i continued to sit lightly on my haunches, poised and ready to pounce at the slightest of irritation.

"did you ever stop to think that maybe you might find yourself in hell for those feelings?" finally. dread locks speaks. i met his eyes and they searched mine with an almost piercing urgency. i felt as if he was trying to save from the fire, his eyes throwing me a rope that i just couldn’t keep within my clumsy grasp. i spoke right at him, willing him to understand.

"all the time. it scares the living shit out of me. But you don’t understand. none of you know what its like to think your whole life that you're going to have a fairytale romance, a prince charming and then in the blink of an eye, with a single look, find your world uprooted and slung downside up by a girl. she..dosent even get it. she loves me i know, but she’s not in love with me. she's just interested in me finding my way, somehow, back into the right."

the knot in my throat grew progressively larger, and a sick feeling in my stomach gnawing me in two. i couldn’t look at them anymore, i was too ashamed. jasselines fingers met mine for a split second, just a ghost of a touch, and then they fell away, leaving me to instantly miss the calming warmth the contact brung. i wanted to wrap myself up and tuck myself inside of the pocket of her jeans, it had to be safer there than here.

the boy eyed me again, cautiously. "im sorry," he whispered "i didn’t mean to upset you. i just don’t understand. how could you be sure you love someone, of any sex, if you've never been with them?"

his question was innocent, and typical. it was one of the easiest ones for me to answer, yet one of the hardest for me to face. even i didn’t understand how a person could love so much, and not be able to have the person you love. it seemed atypical. barbaric. unbearably unfair. ive been told that such is life, but i cant imagine a world created by such a talked about, loving god, being so cruel. even if i was gay.

"have you ever felt so completely right with someone at your side? like as your two hearts beat in that raucous cataclysmic rhythm, that they were meant to beat in time with each other?" he smiled, and i imagined that yes, he did know that feeling. must have a pretty amazing girl out there somewhere, writing his initials in red sharpie drawn hearts upon her notebooks. just like in middle school. i had no recollection of such a love, at least, not one requited.

"that’s exactly how i feel with her. perfect. so alarmingly right that half the time im afraid ill wake up to find it all just a dream. a cruel dream, painted with oil pastels in a fine artists hand, then smeared directly across my heart. i love her more than the sun and the moon and the stars combined guys, i..remember the smallest things. the smell of her hair, the different colors laced in her eyes, the shirt she was wearing the day we met. i had such silly dreams.."

my voice broke, and i looked up, only to find i held my audience captive. they were leaning forward, eyes glued on me in the same mannequin like manner they had held before, only this time they didn’t look anywhere near as threatening. a girl in the back smiled misty eyed, and dreadlock boy had his arm wrapped around a slight redhead beside him. she tilted her head, resting a feather-light kiss upon the hollow of his throat. my chest constricted, the cool longing to have her hold me like he held his girl spreading through every nerve in my body like wildfire. i was soon shaking from the chill.

"go on," the pastor prompted, "you should probably get all of it out on the table before you can give yourself a chance to back out."

"i don’t know what else to say. i just.. we used to fight about who was going to get to name their daughter rayne. i guess i was completely out of my head, but my mind could only come up with one logical solution. i didn’t want her kids, and my kids, i wanted a couple that would be collectively ours. a daughter with our special name to be both her little softball player and artist, and my dreamer. a baby boy with that special talent for words and for art alike. i had dreams. they were completely stupid dreams, but they were mine. and they mean absolutely nothing to her. i don’t know, it just seems like to me, that if god were to put such a special person in your life, you should be able to keep them forever. like, because i said i love you and i meant it, i should be the one holding her heart in the end, and that’s just not how it works. maybe.. this is my punishment for being in love with her. maybe i am going to hell."

tears fell like glass from my eyes. beside me jass stirred in what i knew without looking to be that distinctively protective position she was so good at. my pain bothers her, in a way that ive yet to understand, even after all the years shared between us. the girl in the back with the misty eyes was crying too now, full on tears, that i couldn’t decipher. was it plain sympathy that was breaking her apart, or some level of understanding that would remain unspoken in the air between us? i idly wondered if somewhere, at some point in her life, her own juliet had called.

the girl with the sandpaper voice spoke again, and i winced, ready for another onslaught of cruelness. None came.

"you really love her don’t you?" i nodded, face puffy and sopping with saline.

"more than you know." she relaxed a little as i spoke, sighing softly and watching my eyes with a look that i could only describe as apologetic. i nodded at her, hoping she knew it meant she was forgiven for her previous attack of the mega bitch.

"you’re not going to hell abby." the same boy, with the same dreadlocks and piercing stare. i could really get used to him. he seemed so steady, unfalteringly sure, and it made my mind whirl. where does that kind of faith come from? better yet, how did he remember my name? "you love her, with seemingly an honest to god kind of love that most of us only wish we were capable of receiving. she may not understand or get that, but ab, listen to me. listen. do you love god? do you believe he's got it all under control?" i nodded encompassed with such a heady rush of faith that it left me breathless.

"then, kid, that’s all that matters. its not about who you love or how you look or any shit like that. if you believe that god is who he says he is then you've got enough faith right there, to set the world on fire."

i broke, and somewhere deep inside i felt a sense of dread tear itself free from me, i felt okay. light. and it made me giddy with happiness. the faces around me had transformed themselves as well, into something that reminded me of a mosaic. different skin tones and shapes, different smiles melded into one communal gesture of hope. i acknowledged them all with a watery smile.

then jass was touching me again, pulling me into a hug. her warm breath tickled my neck, raising goose bumps across my heated skin. she pulled back, staring me down with an unbelievably unreadable gaze. such a breathtaking gaze. and then she spoke, whispering words like prayers of repentance. they curled around me, and i felt like i was drowning with the mere sound of her voice.

"im sorry ab, i had no idea. i..wish. im sorry."

"i know, j. i know. its okay babe. its okay. i'll live, i promise, you didn't kill me you know."

"it kinda sounded like it a minute ago." her eyes flashed, a strange sad light showing in them that id only seen a couple of times since i known her. i bit back the urge to touch her.

"jasseline, you know, maybe things will be different one day. maybe it'll all change, and the world will right its-self and we wont have any reason to fight over baby names. but if that doesn’t happen, i'll be okay. i love you, but some dreams were never meant to come true."

she smiled then. the same mischievous smile that i knew usually preceded serious trouble.

"you really shouldn’t talk so sensibly. its a rather attractive quality. i might have to seduce you." her voice dripped with sarcasm, and i punched her shoulder in mock anger.

"oh shut up, dumbass. you don’t know what your saying. and besides, we both know i wouldn’t need seducing. i love you."

"i love you too."

i saw that moment with such clarity that im surprised it didn’t pop brain cells with its impact. i realized that no matter where we were in life, what we had was a beautiful thing. and yes, it was all going to be okay. perfect even, despite the odds. because the two of us? we could beat anything.