Dear Diary:

Today sucked some kind-of major ass. First, Derrin actually dumped me. My best guy friend, who I’d gotten together with on the last day of summer before freshman year, Derrin seemed liked one of those guys straight out of a trashy girly novel. I’m totally mad at him, too, ‘cuz it wasn’t even civilized. He just dumped me for no fucking reason. The only problem is that

“Arli?”

I look up from my computer. I keep my diary on my computer because it’s just so much more convenient than carrying a little book everywhere with me. Although, that’s ironic, because my computer’s pretty bulky. Anyway, enter my mom. She’s looking at me expectantly.

“What’s up, mom?” I reply. I can tell she’s not that mad at me because she used my nickname instead of my much more formal ‘Arlette.’ Yeah, I’m not sure why my parents named me ‘eagle’ in French either.

“Arli, where are the car keys?” Oh, right. The keys…well…

“Derrin has them,” I reply, wincing. The wounds of my break up are still fresh, although my oblivious mother still doesn’t know.

“Oh, thank goodness. I’ll just go next door and get them.” My mom clutches her heart and begins to leave the room. I look longingly down at my computer, but I knew this might be the only time I get to talk Derrin back into going out with me…

Our break up had been messy, to say the least. As in, Derrin and I had gotten into a fight in the cafeteria and he may have shouted that I was a fucking whore and, when questioned as to his reasons, may or may not have pointed to my ex-boyfriend, Astro Freldmin. He might have gone on to explain certain things that had happened in my bedroom one night with Astro. Might have, that is, if the Principal hadn’t stopped him in the middle of a particularly descriptive tangent. At this point, I was bawling. My friends Jillian, Rochelle, and Terrence tried to calm me down by frantically waving their hands at my face. I was too preoccupied watching Derrin get suspended for the remainder of the week for such foulness.

The really weird part is that that night with Astro was before Derrin and I even got together. It was even before Astro and I got together. It wasn’t even Astro.

It was the night I was raped.

Raped, not just of my virginity, but also of my dreams. He was a talent agent, and it was the last night of my school show. I was the lead, Tracy, in Hairspray. The role of a lifetime.

My parents were out of town that night, so the talent agent had offered to drive me home. I was so close to going with Terrence and Rochelle, but chose to go with the agent. Thought it’d be a good way for him to get to know me, and maybe even hire me. Afterwards, he told me that he would telling everyone he knew in ‘the business’ that I couldn’t act for shit. And he left. To this day, no one but Rochelle, Jillian, and my diary knows. Not even my gay friend Terrence or my parents.

For Derrin to bring up that night as a reason to break up was just…so strange. The only way he would’ve known…was if he had been spying on me.

I shake my head to try to get rid of that strange thought. Him? Spying on me? Wasn’t that kinda, well, pervy?

Snap out of it! I tell myself. According to him, he didn’t even like me back then.

Well, there’s only one way to find out.

“Mom,” I yell down the stairs, “I’ll get the keys!” I stomp down the stairs, pulling on jacket to fight the mid-February chill.

“Oh,” my mom smiles, “thanks, sweetie!”

I smile halfheartedly, “No problem.”

The first step out the door is the worst. First, there’s the typical semi-cold of a California winter; then, the struggle between actually talking to my (now-ex) boyfriend or just going back upstairs and forgetting it. However, I do manage to actually make it to his front porch. I stand, frozen, on his porch for maybe ten minutes before I bunker down and hit that doorbell which was once so delectable. It used to lead to happiness. But now…who knows?

Thankfully, his mother opened the door. “Hey, Mrs. Breckle. Is Derrin home?” I plaster on perhaps the most fake grin I have ever seen. I feel a little bad, because Mrs. B is a really nice lady, and I love her to death, but I really need to get past her today.

“Hello Arli! If I’d have known you were coming, I might’ve made some cookies.”

I blush. How embarrassing. “Oh, thanks Mrs. B, but I really need to talk to Derrin right now.”

“Well…” I can see an internal battle going on in her head. “He’s in his room, but-”

“Thanks, Mrs. B!” I yell, running past her and down the hall I know so well. Derrin and I have been friends since we were little, and by the time we were in elementary school, we practically lived at each other’s house. The path to his room is familiar, and it’s strange to see that nothing has changed now that we’re not going out.

Reaching his sticker-covered door, I open it without hesitation. The scene before me makes me want to hurl.

My ex-best friend Charlotte on top of my ex-best boyfriend, Derrin…attached at the mouth…

“Arli…” says Derrin with surprise.

Charlotte pulls away from him and looks at me nonchalantly. “Oh hey Earl, didn’t expect to see you here.” She’s got this little sadistic smile on her pretty face, and I just want to punch her.

“My name’s Arlette.” I say stiffly.

“Whatevs, you gonna be here long? We’re a little busy.” She brushes off my remark and goes back to sucking his face off.

“I-I…” I struggle to remember why I’m there. “Derrin, could I see you, alone? You know where I’ll be.”

Slamming the door, I run past a worried-looking Mrs. B to his tree house out back. We built it together, and it’s always been our place. As I wait for him, I try to wipe off the tears I didn’t even know were there. How the hell did we get into this mess?