Awaiting Dawn

By Reji-chan

Sometimes I wonder and think to myself that it was my entire fault. Everything she said the day she told me, the day she almost disappeared completely from my life. I wonder what I could’ve done differently, to make things end up better and not worse. I wish we could go back in time in a time machine and change it, but we all know we can’t and must live with the regret. Would our lives have ended like this if we chose a different path? I cannot help but dwell on the past but I must tell you this story in order for you to understand the pain.

We had been wonderful friends; best friends in fact. We did everything together and nothing separated us. Till that day… We had a huge fight. I remember it ended with us slapping each other and calling each other a bitch. I watched as you ran away, screaming at me over your shoulder. I didn’t think that you’d go that far.

School was horrible the next day. When did pass you in the hallways when we couldn’t avoid each other, you’d coldly glare at me before flipping me off. I could feel my heart hurting deep in my chest as I watched your reactions towards me. Then, at lunch I sat by myself, ten tables away from you. After that, several of our friends told me what you had planned. I didn’t believe you or them at the time. I knew you were blowing off steam ‘cause a couple months ago you said the same thing to my face.

I stayed after school that same day. It was tutoring and you usually would help me do that, too. I watched you walk from the building, your eyes covered but your body language screaming that you were still mad at me and in pain. I guess it was thirty or so minutes after you left I got a phone call to go up to the office. When I left that room, I got the whole my-stomach-is-going-to-come-up-my-throat-and-I’m-going-to-hurl feeling. My feet were lead in my shoes and I got into the office. The ladies smiled kindly but they didn’t help. I picked up the phone to hear you sobbing and crying into the receiver.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my throat tightening and I had to struggle for air. She did a lot of stupid things, but I wondered suddenly where on the list this one ranked.

“I… did… something stupid… I took…. 100 white pills…. Pain killers… and…and vicodin..” she gasped and sobbed more loudly.

“What?” I gasped, my heart falling to the pit of my stomach. I knew she was stupid but not this stupid. She sobbed more and nearly shrieked in my ear. “Where’d you get Vicodin? Who gave it to you?”

“Make it stop! Make it stop! It hurts, it hurts!” she screamed in my ear and I pulled the phone away from my ear. I looked over at the ladies in the office, and I was sure my eyes were wide with terror because they both jumped up.

“Call 9-1-1! Please! My best friend overdosed on pills!” I said, panic setting in in my mind. They nodded and one of them quickly dialed.

“Where are you at?” I asked, praying she’d tell me.

“By… elementary school… God! Rachel, help me! Make it stop! Make it STOP!” she screamed again, and then suddenly the phone clicked. I dropped the phone and suddenly felt like a zombie. I couldn’t believe she’d do this to me! Why!

I wasn’t allowed to see her at the hospital. They said it might not be best for either one of us. They sent me to the waiting room as they called her parents. While listening to them frantically argue with her mom, I learned she got all of the pills from her. I had a slight idea her mom might be an addict but I thought she kicked it.

“When can I go see her?” I asked the nurse, having to stand a little on my tiptoes to see the tall woman in the glass office.

“Who?” she asked, chomping away on her gum as she eyed me.

“Raylene.. She’s in the room over there. When can I see her?”

“Oh honey, you can’t go see her. She’s going up to the ICU and can’t be allowed to be seen by anyone other than family members.” She said, flipping a strand of hair off her shoulder. I bit my tongue.

“She’s my best friend! Please! You have to let me see her!” I begged, my eyes watering and filling with tears. The nurse stared at me for a moment before getting a post it note and writing down her room number.

“This is her room they’re sending her up to. Just tell them you’re family and they’ll let you in.” she slid it to me before going back to her work. I nodded and clutched the small pink post it note.

I rushed up the flights of stairs, praying that she was still alive, that she was still there. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, that I didn’t want her to leave me behind. I grasped the handrail and panted loudly, glancing at the paper for the room number. I’ll never forget this…

The doctors almost didn’t allow me to see her. They spoke in low tones while I sat in her room, holding her cold, bluish hand. I heard the words suicide, no hope and damage to organs before I blocked out their cruel words. I clutched it tightly and laid my head on her forearm that had needles stuck deep into her skin.

“Why’d you have to be so stupid?” I asked her quietly, hearing the men walk out of her room.

She laid like that, deep in a coma for a month or so. I honestly lost track of the days after the third week. I didn’t want to think about my friend lying there, dead to the world. All of the doctors told me that she was brain-dead; she wouldn’t and won’t ever wake up. I shook my head and screamed at them, telling them they were wrong. But, I was in the end. She gave up.

The beginning of the third month was when I lost her. I remember it clearly. I had left early from the hospital that night, kissing her forehead and whispering she could and would make it. She just had to fight, for me.

I went home and lay in my own bed, lost and confused. I did everything I could think of and what might have worked to make her wake up but nothing. Everyday I went to go see her it was like she wasn’t her anymore. When she was awake she was really skinny, but now she was like dead skinny. You could see her bones; count her ribs and the knobs on her spine. Her fingers were pretty much bone too, I was afraid of holding her hands now. I only brushed the paper thin skin and she’d bruise so easily. I felt I’d break her bones if I held her hand.

It was three a.m. that the hospital called. I grabbed the phone and I heard their worried, shocked tones.

“Come back to the hospital. It’s time.” He said tonelessly.

“Time for what? What’s going on?” I asked groggily and rubbed at my sleep encrusted eyes.

“She’s letting go and we wanted to know if you want to be here.” He said and I scrambled out of bed, telling them I’d be there in 15.

I slept in my clothes that night; I had the feeling something would happen and I was right. I hailed a cab, and told them to hurry. But sitting in those dirty seats I knew that I could only hurry to her side but I couldn’t help her. What had made her give up? What caused her to lose her will? Every thought I took was like a knife into my lungs but I held in the bubbling tears and wails as the cabby pulled into the hospital parking lot.

By then I’ve ran into the room. The air is suffocating me as I lunge past a doctor who tries to hold me back, but I bit him in order to get to her side. The doctors and nurses who came into the room all stood back, letting me drop to her side, grabbing and not caring about injuring her. My grasp wrapped tightly around her small hand and I heard the tiny crack of bone but it didn’t register in my brain.

“Come back! Come on! Fight for me, don’t give it! Please.. Don’t give in! Fight for me!” I screamed, the tears breaking the barrier and falling all over the blankets and her face. One teardrop fell on her eyelid and slowly dripped past the lashes and down the side of her face, almost like she was crying herself.

“Please come back! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean those things I said!” I screamed again, my knees close to giving out as I shook her still body. Her head rolled back and her eyes fluttered open a moment before shutting tightly.

“NO! Come back!” I shrieked, dropping her lifeless shoulder and watched as her chest stopped rising even with the machines breathing for her. “Please! Come back! Don’t leave me!” I screamed again,

I felt the doctors grabbing at my shoulders, their voices so loud in my ears as they screamed at me to let go. Or, maybe they weren’t screaming but I didn’t care, I wasn’t letting her go this easily.

“You’re a coward! Come back! Please!” I screamed again, over and over even as I felt them slide a needle beneath my skin as they shot me with something. As I slipped into darkness I could hear her say,

“Let me go Ray-ray. Let me go and I’ll meet you in heaven.”