|The Buttress of Windsor
Author: MyNameIsDave PM
Whilst singing, Tenacious D once referred to a book entitled "The Buttress of Windsor" before Jables 'thinks about a couple things to say to you'. This is that story. (5,000 total views. What makes you click this link? Buttress? or Tenacious D? This story is no longer a humor story, more like a psychological work on FictionPress readers.)Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,923 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 02-01-09 - id: 2630373
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Buttress of Windsor (Take II)
CHAPTER 1: The Boy Named Jimmy
There once a lived a boy. His name was Jimmy. This story is about Jimmy, yet is still about the Buttress of Windsor at the same time. How do you say…Well how about taking a lesson in English, and reading, perhaps, eh?
Jimmy was a young lad. He took in a good childhood education. His father, William "Slajado" Bull the XXIV, died in a train-car-bus-airplane-shipping accident when he was a young lad. It twas sad. His father was standing there, and just, out of nowhere, a train, a car, a bus, an airplane, and a cargo ship, hit him at one time, in a tragic death. It twas sad.
Jimmy vowed to avenge his father's death. The next day, Jimmy also vowed to never leave his wife, in sickness and in health. The next day after that, Jimmy went to a psychiatrist to see if he had "over-confidence" issues.
"Nevertheless, I shall avenge my father's death. I know it had to be a set up!" the young Jimmy said.
"Aye mate, we might have some investigating to do!" replied Nevertheless.
"Correct! First, why is there a pecan in all of these cashews?!" said Jimmy as he relentlessly picked up the pecan and speculated it intensely.
"Sir, might I say; those are 'Mixed Nuts'." replied Nevertheless once again, as he picked the box of Planter's "Cashews and MORE!!"
"C'mon now! It says '..and MORE!!'. It's treachery!!!" Jimmy shouted.
Now as we move on with the very boring dialogue, prologue, background, whatever it is…!!
So, Jimmy and Nevertheless picked up their bags and went off to investigate and be on their journey! All would have been well if Nevertheless would have gone to the right luggage claim.
"Oh, come on Jimbo," stated Nevertheless, "they both had flowery covers!"
"I told you never to pack stuff into that luggage case, ever again!" shouted Jimmy.
"Ahh Jimbo, it's ok. I'm sorry you missed you're opportunity to go out with that smokin' Princess of Wales. I hope she has better taste in luggage now,"
"What happened to you calling me, 'Sir'?" Then Jimmy hesitated, and the best idea Jimmy ever had, or frankly, this story will ever have, came into his 'wee' little brain. "That's it!! We're going to go see The Buttress of Windsor!" he exclaimed.
"Uh-oh," sighed Nevertheless, "you're not saying that cause that's the name of the story, are you?"
"No, you fool! She's knows practically everything about this story, kind of like the writer! Or she might be having sexual relations with the writer. Either way!"
"But wait, isn't the Buttress of Windsor, the Princess of Wales??"
"That's where I got the brilliant idea from! Duh…"
"Oh yeah!" But deep in Secrecy, Nevertheless had no idea what he was talking about.
"Hey buddy! Stop reading that book! We need to get a move on to…wherever she lives!" shouted Jimmy.
"But its such a good book!" replied Nevertheless. "It's all about spies and secrets and secrecy!!"
"Yeah, whatever! Let's go!" Jimmy yelled at the top of his lungs. I think it was because the bottom part had taken the day off. Talk about work schedule; I didn't even know they had vacation time.
[Very very far away, very!] [very]
"Ohhhh! I just love the ending of this book..!" the Buttress of Windsor said softly to her lonesome as she put down a book with thick covers and barely no paper pages.
Then all of the sudden, a servant walked in and exclaimed, "My lady. I'm sorry to announce, that you did not win William Bull the XXIV's car keys."
"Nuts!!" she exclaimed.
"My lady?" the servant asked.
"C'mon, what are you waiting for?? Bring me my Planters!!"
The servant quickly rushed away and was replaced with two people covered in dirt.
"My lady, how was Bingo?! What did you win?" asked Nuts the Planter.
[Very very not so far away??]
…was Jimmy and Nevertheless. And apparently, since we had left them to their own devices, they had lost their way in a hedge maze at night.
"Wait?! How did we get in a hedge maze? Were we not just leaving the airport?" asked Nevertheless.
"I told you to bring extra batteries for your GPS! I knew we would be trapped inside a hedge maze!" shouted an enraged Jimmy.
"We're not trapped inside a hedge maze…" replied Nevertheless, "…We're in a hedge maze. If we were inside a hedge maze, I think there would be branches and like roots sticking out of you."
"In, inside, outside; whatever! It doesn't matter; we are lost! Anyways, roots grow in the ground, not above the ground. So I wouldn't have any roots in myself anyway!"
"Well, do you ever see those tree with the roots on the top of the…"
"Shut it," interrupted Jimmy.
As the two constantly bickered about the smallest of things instead of finding away out, a helicopter had flown over. Rescue found them at last.
"Rescue found us at last!" Jimmy cheered.
"Wait, hold on again! We haven't been gone that long? Who would come looking for us?" asked Nevertheless.
"The Buttress of Windsor," shouted the man on a loud speaker from the helicopter.
"How do you know we were searching for her?" asked Jimmy.
"Dude, she practically knows everything about this story, besides the writer," the man replied.
"Yeah, you do got a point," nodded Jimmy.
So the helicopter took off from the hedge maze and headed for the Buttress of Windsor's Grand Castle. As soon as they were on their way, the helicopter ran out of fuel and made an emergency landing. So they were forced to take a bus. The bus only traveled for 3 miles before catching on fire and veering off the road and hitting a tree. Fleeing for their lives, Jimmy and Nevertheless escaped the flames, along with 100 other illegal immigrants. So then they rented bicycles. But after 5 miles, Nevertheless' bicycle's chain obliterated and he was too scared to walk alone. So Jimmy ditched his bike and the two trekked the rest of the way on foot.
"Ugh," sighed Jimmy as he wearily kept a steady walking pace, "I just want to know how much longer. Just, just give me a sign!"
Jimmy looked at a tree, where a small little worm climbed the side. Then a giant bird swooped down and took the worm into its beak. Then the bird was shot down by gunfire and dropped like a rock. Then the hunter who shot the bird went to claim his prize was mauled to death by a bear. Then the bear was crushed by a one-boulder landslide. Nothing wanted to mess with that boulder.
Jimmy sighed once again. "C'mon," he shouted towards the heavens, "You used that paragraph structure joke thing one too many times!"
"Look sir!" Nevertheless shouted, "It's a sign!!"
Jimmy distracted by the thought that something actually could take on that boulder, didn't realize that Nevertheless was actually pointing to a literal sign. Still, nothing wants to mess with that boulder. Jimmy ran to the sign as fast as he could. It twas a big sign: 8 foot by 12 foot, approximately. But in the smallest font, the sign read a small statement.
"It says: '100 miles to Grand Castle'. Ugh!" Jimmy sighed for the third time.
Then there was a mysterious voice.
"If you wanted to go to Grand Castle, why didn't you say so?" said the Buttress of Windsor as she appeared out of nowhere.
"Mm mm mmm! You sound sexy girl, with all that mystery in your voice," Nevertheless remarked.
"I'm pretty sure you read that line that was up there, but…I'll take that as a compliment," she replied.
"Umm, yeah. We have been trying to get to Grand Castle," Jimmy said, "I thought you know everything about this book,"
"I do," she replied, "It was entertaining to see you two go crazy. I'm pretty sure you both cannot survive in the wilderness,"
"We can too!" shouted Nevertheless as a squirrel ran underneath his legs, "Ahhh!!!"
"Whatever," she sighed, "Time to go to my castle!"
She touched Jimmy and Nevertheless and they all opened their eyes at the Grand Castle.
"Wow!" Nevertheless yelled, "How'd you do that?!"
"Easy. I can go anywhere. Like Maui." And all of the sudden they were in Hawaii looking off the side of a cliff at the ocean with its huge awesome surfing waves.
"That's amazing! Teach me how to surf!" shouted Nevertheless.
And all of the sudden, Jimmy and the Buttress were back at the Grand Castle.
"What you do with my companion?!" Jimmy demanded.
"Ah, call it his vacation time, from me of course. Hopefully, he won't fall off that cliff. Wait, I think he is surrounded by cliffs off the coast about two miles and surrounded by fierce devilish sharks that eat humans with odd names. Anyways. Jimmy, you must finish your quest alone."
"Wait," Jimmy paused for a brief millisecond, "I am on a quest?"
"To find out who killed your father, remember?"
"Oh yeah. I totally forgot,"
The Buttress of Windsor sighed. "So, you're going to go look for him, because that's your quest, and you must do it, alone.
"Why alone?" Jimmy asked, whimpering of the thought of spending the rest of the book alone. And not with the Buttress of Windsor, and her hot smokin' huge…
"I know what you're thinking. No. I will not go with you. Yes. Aren't they hot?"
"Please, come with me?!"
"No," she stated sharply.
"Why?!" Jimmy whined back.
"Because that's what it says in the book."
"I hate this book,"
"And it hates you," she said calmly and then immediately in vice versa, "NOW FINISH IT!!"