Author's Notes: A little quick story I wrote for a Mary Sue parody contest. I believe it came out pretty good, actually.

*ahem* Roseallana Hersitata Jasininea Ulekala Oiloro DarkShard is mine and so is this story. Yes? Yes.

The Heartrending Tale of Roseallana Hersitata Jasininea Ulekala Oiloro DarkShard

Roseallana Heristata Jasininea Ulekala Oiloro DarkShard sauntered into the tavern. Sauntered for her large, voluptuous hips swayed tantalizingly close to several patrons and the sheer volume of her thighs required her to as any other movement would result in an embarrassing fall and perhaps a glimpse of her pink, laced panties. Considering the patrons of the establishment were less than savoury she would never want that. Speaking of patrons, several heads and muzzles turned her way as she sauntered to a bar stool. Several unmentionable body parts did unmentionable things as she settled her gratuitous bottom on the miniscule seat and ordered, in a pure voice not unlike the crystal bells that sang every funeral, a Blood on the rocks. Roseallana shifted on the bar stool, not realizing it caused her already dangerously tattered miniskirt to ride a little further up her colossal hips, and tapped her claws on the pitted wood of the bar. Roseallana felt eyes on her furless but nonetheless porcelain white, never-seen-the-sun back and turned. One shining orb of blood red proportions and the other a veritable rainbow of emotional colors scanned the hastily diverted heads of the other bar inhabitants.

Her color cascading eye flashed a clear, pure yellow in puzzlement before she once again faced the bar. Immediately patron necks craned and muzzles panted. Roseallana sighed, her impressive pale bosom heaving in despair. The bartender returned and handed her a dark red drink, trying to avoid boob-to-eye contact. Roseallana took the drink and downed it in one gulp.

“Do you have any idea what I went through to get here?” She asked the bartender in clear tones. The stunned man shook his head, trying to avoid the temptation of her almost bare breasts; despite the fact she was Hellvan, and very much NOT his species. However this ignorance could be overlooked as Roseallana was the last of her kind. “I...” she went on. “I fought fifty million Orcs! Not those little pussy orcs, but true Orcs! Y’wanna know how I defeated that many?”

The bartender swallowed.

“I used my Hell Powers and exploded them all. O’course they had to hurt my precious baby Dragon, Iillishvara, b’fore I could summon enough hate to ‘splode ‘em like that. BUT, but when I did, it was quite... fantastic. But y’know after I was very... very, very sad b’cause I had promised never to hurt another living creature after killing my father for sexually abusing me. BUT they d’served it. They hurt my precious Iillishvara so they die.”

She went to take another drink before realizing the cup was empty. She blinked one red and one golden eye in puzzlement and promptly dismissed the temporary emptiness as beneath her notice. “Oh yeah, I din’t say WHAT I was doin’ killing fifty... fifty million Orcs. Y’see after kilin’ me Pa I d’cided to find my mom. But guess what? She was the Leader Demon of Hell... whassis name.... Satan! Yeah, she was Satan! O’course I hadda kill her, her bein’ evil an’ all.”

A single tear gathered at the corner of Roseallana’s firey orb and slid down one perfect, pastel cheek. Several patrons, and even the bartender sniffed in sympathy and disposed of their own tears.

“Affer all that, I saved Iillishvara from a pack of hungry Demons. Usin’ my Hell Powers ‘gain. But I felt sad after this one too... ‘cause they were jus’ hungry but.. but... I k-k-illed ‘em.” She put her face into her lightly furred paws and sobbed. The bartender felt his heart render itself into two and fell over dead as no one can survive with a split heart (unless you’re Hellvan, as Roseallana had discovered after a momentous Basilisk battle). Roseallana’s pitiful mewls and heartrendingly sweet blubbering caused several bar patrons to burst into tears themselves and soon the whole establishment was howling and snivelling together.

Roseallana’s long, blacker-than-a-moonless-and-starless-night hair fell forward across her face. As such the weeping patrons did not notice her emotional orb fade into a red the color of dried, crusty blood and her coldest fire begin to glow. Roseallana suddenly tossed her shimmering locks behind her shoulder, briefly displaying two pert, crystal horns before they were swallowed by her cascading tresses. Roseallana slammed her paw onto the wooden bar and violently stood up. She turned her fearsome eyes to the mewling public and effectively silenced the cries of pity. The affected meta-humans felt fur rise and skin shiver up their spines as Roseallana’s piercing gaze drove into them like a glowingly red sacrificial knife.

“Silence,” she hissed then stomped from her stool to the bar door, which she slammed. None of the patrons noticed the faint, shadowy marks left from her shoes on the knotted floor.

“Poor thing,” One patron remarked, wiping a lingering tear from his eye.

“And such a sweet, innocent child!” A burly, scarred swordsman sighed.

“To have suffered like that...” another mused.

“I vow never to kill again,” an old wizard said.

The patrons all looked to each other and nodded, knowing that after witnessing such innocent torment they could never even entertain the thought of harm to any item, inanimate or animate.

SUDDENLY!

A giant fireball exploded onto the wooden bar. Laughing dementedly, Roseallana Heristata Jasininea Ulekala Oiloro DarkShard flew away on her Dark Dragon, Iilishvara.