So as I sit here tonight in the sullen lull of a house dismissing itself

I close my eyes and let my mind reverse, peacefully listening to the sound of the heater

This house was so much a part of my life; that I feel I’m giving it a good reputation

And as I was watching another series of things that make me smile go past

I realize something kind of bitter.

Well, not bitter per say, bittersweet.

I realized that this will be the first time I don’t spend my birthday with friends.

Admittedly, instead I will be in Japan creating myself,

My but I’m still going to miss everyone so very much.

I’m so fucking scared sometimes to leave.

I don’t want people to forget about me.

To have stories and I’m never in them.

I want them to be with me.

I guess I’m selfish.

But that’s okay.

Because I know that my friends love me just as much.

It’s a good feeling to know that you will be missed.

But, when I’m overseas

I’m going to carry a diary.

My roommate Rose gave it to me for Christmas.

I am going to put all the pictures of the crazy (drunk) memories we have inside.

I’m going to write until my fingers hurt.

This experience will be the best thing that ever happened in my entire life.

This will be fulfilling my childhood dream.

My heart yearns for it like nothing I’ve ever wanted.

Sometimes I go back and relive those days of high school

Where I was a fucked up black sheep druggie.

Today at the obligatory family get together they all wished me good luck.

My cousin told me ‘You are brave.’

Brave?

I’m scared shitless.

I will be living somewhere that the majority of the population won’t know English.

I’m going to be surrounded by unfamiliar things.

But I know what I’m getting myself into.

I’ve read up upon Japan, earnestly, for probably the last fifteen years of my life.

I can speak the language, I know how to not insult anyone accidently,

And I know that I’ll be living in the aftermath of one of the United State’s darkest hours.

Nagasaki, which is on the Island of Futakowa, has the remainders of that horrible act.

A bomb which slaughtered more people than extermination.

An act which killed all innocent and guilty.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

I will probably cry when I visit the monument.

In more recent news,

I visited my health aid from the high school I attended the other night

She took me out for fish fry’s and we chatted with my dad

This lady was the one who came and visited me in the hospitals when I overdosed

She knew that I almost killed myself with drugs

And she still likes me

She knows how many days I came to her office to cop out of classes

But she said she was proud.

She took me to her home which was very lovely and decorated for the holidays,

We laughed and I told her about my life, college,

And it felt so crazy to me that I have such a weird array of friends.

I have Barb, who I worked with at Goodwill for over a year with-

She’s about 60 and we smoked pot together,

Then there is Kelli, my oldest friend, whose art inspires me and makes me jealous

And who is probably one of my favorite people in this world because of everything

She doesn’t see in herself.

She’s forgiven me for being stupid and childish

And I would rather drop everything and hang out with her because it’s always just that awesome

And then Ashley, who is my ‘porno friend.’ She was the one who tricked me into learning

What bestiality is… don’t ask.

She was also the first one that I drank hard liquor with,

Back in the days of us mixing Whisky and Vodka with Pepsi in my basement,

When Mario Party and cigarette burns in the carpet were mandatory-

And Ian!! Ah, my cute little Mennonite boy who I’m slowly tainting-

We used to scream through Goodwill our different religious points-

And once we exchanged our ideals; mine in the form of a book called, “The Atheist”

And his a sermon’s cassette tape about mass.

He makes me want to kiss him senseless.

Then Hailee, the talented art major from Stout.

We go lakeside and talk about endless things, she always makes me smile,

And Blaze, the rebel hippie gone love struck over an old crisis,

... who else?

Heather- my little gothic angel who is surprisingly submissive. I took her party virginity after I met

Hear at anime club, her style is wicked and so is her personality.

Samma! My yaoi buddy. She’s opened my eyes to so much magic.

Alonna. The best artist I know, though often Narcissistic.

I guess this list shouldn’t be just real-world friends…

How about Moondogprod, one of the most talented people and most inspiring to be assured…. I envy his cozy beach made life.

I guess I shouldn’t rant much more.

It just feels so good to get this out of my system, and know it will be posted somewhere.

And even if these words are so long forgotten, I have decided something.

It was actually my friend Ian who helped me.

I’ve decided that we can all be good people. Life is what you make it to be.

And that as long as you make it your goal not to hurt people intentionally,

That you are at least living.

As an atheist I don’t believe in an afterlife.

Some people may condemn me or call me stupid for such a stance,

But I don’t care.

I am an atheist because I believe in what I see.

I see nature, a forest so green my eyes get lost in the distance,

And that waterfall, my feet being chilled by the trickling water,

No by some god who condones my actions or my future.

My destiny will be what I make it to be.

I believe that people are given a choice.

We get smarter through life, and learn from our mistakes,

I believe that we should all keep learning.

Education should be free.

And so should marriage actually, (My mum and Mary Ellen have been together fucking SEVEN years.)

They fight like married people, but without the benefits.

I also believe that being pacifistic, and ideal,

And working together for a common goal

Will be what makes this country great.

Not the fucking “American Dream.”

Okay, okay. I’m done.

I know I’ve said this prior, and I’ll say it indefinitely

Thank you so very much.

Even a chance encounter is preordained.