I want these people in my life to love me I think;

That’s just the course I’ve taken.

I want everyone around me to care about me as deeply as I care about them;

I want the support in my life to know that I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s selfish, but I want to cling onto these people.

Also, I want to keep learning;

Reading has always been something I could never live without;

My dream is to have a library in my house someday,

And to make people realize their actions,

Confessing that I was a compulsive liar at youth would be an understatement;

I used to make up stories about lives I wished I have lived.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

But, in response to my best friend Kelli telling me that

“Truth is stranger than fiction,”

I find myself being brutally honest.

And as I do that I realize that thought I’m not a bad person, I can get better.

I want to be kind and patient, I want to have a complacent personality.

I lucked out, basically.

I have a father who made eight million dollars overnight because

Oprah is god;

She talked about one of the products his company sells

On her television program twice,

And the next day he bought a Corvette cash down;

He will completely pay for my study abroad trip to Japan;

No inexpensive feat,

And continue to pay for my college education.

In response to his kindness I want to continue to excel in classes;

I currently have a high GPA, and I think showing him that I am intelligent will make him forgive me.

I do stupid stuff sometimes, but if I’m having a mental breakdown I can call him

And hear about how he hit on some Jewish girl half his age;

And that he was at Universal Studios yesterday for a meeting.

And I can smile because I know I’m making him proud.

Studying abroad seems like such a strange thing to me;

Sincerely this is fulfilling my childhood dream.

Since I first discovered Sailor Moon at the age of seven;

I consumed anime and manga, made the intricate fairy tales and morals a part of my life;

And fell completely head over heels in love with their culture.

I will be in a city where ninety percent of the people don’t know English;

This will be completely different than anything I’ve ever experienced.

But I’m prepared;

I’ve buffed up on Japanese culture and language more than the average person.

I know that this experience will be like my soul growing wings;

And it looks hella good on a resume.

My mother is also there for me.

She may have some serious OCD issues,

But she loves me unconditionally.

I know that she adores having me around;

Even if her work is stressful and puts her in a fowl mood.

She always looks at my art and tries to interpret it;

Though I know she’s wondering just where the hell I got the art genes from.

But I feel like my life is a canvas, or a never ending pro

Because as I stare at the world as if it were something excited;

I find those old days of depression ceasing.

Though the dismal self depreciating depression hits sometimes;

It’s fewer in between than before

Because I’m beginning to truly appreciate life;

And that it really is just about following your dreams..

And maybe I’m preachy and sound like I’m bragging;

For that I apologize.

But I want everyone to know that I adore who I have become.

When I was in high school drugs were the only thing I knew.

Like clay, my friends molded who I was and who I felt I should become.

I had no self confidence.

But now I find myself spacing out, hoping for that future that I can attain;

And ready to fling myself out into that ‘real world’

Into the land of Nagasaki City, Japan…

My dreams are stupid, and I will explain them,

I want to eat Takoyaki at a Matsuri

Wearing a yukata on a summer evening.

Meaning, I want to eat this treat

That’s octopus in bread covered in gravy at a Japanese Festival,

Wearing the traditional robes.

I want to meet people who have a life so different than mine,

And find common interests.

I want to make more friends, and learn lots of things.

I want to better myself.

I want to learn.

I know I can do it.

Maybe this rant isn’t really valid but right now,

As I sit on my bed in my mother’s house,

Casually enjoying a beer and listening to beautiful music

Slowly, ever so slowly, I’m growing up.

I want to do something in my life.

I don’t just want that four person family in the suburbs,

I want a job that motivates me.

For so long I fretted and worried about what I would do forever;

That dream job or whatever.

The major that I’ve chosen is amazing because it twists all the things I love;

Into a profession.

My major, Technology Communications,

Means that I get to take art and English classes exclusively.

And it also means that I have quite a high job placement rating.

If I can mix a minor in Japanese and International Studies,

I can become a translator.

I want to have a cool job not just to get rich; that sounds materialistic

I want to be comfortable.

And I wanna fucking travel everywhere;

Scotland, Brazil, New Zealand, Australia, Romania, I want to see them all.

All those National Geographic magazines that I tore pictures from,

All the queer and insane animals.

I want to free myself from the financial sources that are my parents;

And I want to get them kick ass gifts for Christmas,

(because even Atheists celebrate Christmas because it’s about the family;)

As soon as this stagnant waiting ends;

Something beautiful will emerge from everything.

The cold (especially this one) winter will fade.

Because what snow turns into isn’t water;

It’s spring.

Like that new hope, summer (ever my favorite season) will come;

The beautiful green comfort blanket,

Wrapped into peaceful nights and new journeys.

Maybe this whole, “having an imagination” thing will turn out for me.

And when I get back to America I also have the fallback into peaceful normalcy.

Three weeks later I will be shipped off to my other haven,

The University of Wisconsin-Stout;

My college.

College is basically the most fucking awesome thing in the world;

(that’s my opinion)

Because of the people you meet,

And the useless shit that eventually makes sense from class.

It was like art history for me,
when I was watching the movie “V for Vandetta”

And could instantly name eight of the paintings in the background.

Useless, but sweet knowledge.

Or when you truly start to realize how all the classes you’ve been taking,

Come back to one another,

And how a paper you wrote in one,

Can be referenced in another.

And how the world really isn’t that small,

You can explore endlessly,

Always find new things, without fail.

I guess to say that I’m obsessed with shit like this isn’t that surprising.

But this is my pitiful chance to express myself.

It’s sort of like how tonight I dabbled with watercolors again,

And created something that I was actually proud of.

It’s like when you create another chapter of something people actually re-read;

Even if it’s just fanfiction you get an audience and a reaction from people.

And as I get older and loath homophobia and racism more and more;

I remember those fucking retarded days of pretending to be homophobic and hating others;

But then again I had just felt that the world wronged me.

When I was in rehab, October of 2006;

To say that I was scared shitless was an understatement.

Drugs had almost literally killed me,

I was ruining everything, hurting so many people,

How the fuck, really, did I get so lucky?

I passed my senior year, got into college, learned how to mix studying with ‘play’,

Play meaning Thursday night drinking parties at various houses,

And how did I turn from that, “Bright but emotionally disabled youth”

To, “You know, my daughter is studying overseas next semester.

She’s going to be taking Sumo wrestling as her gym credit,

Flower Arranging as an art elective,

And Global Peace Studies instead of American Government.”

Sometimes I think that people keep themselves sane by reflecting.

Only the truly ignorant don’t learn from mistakes;

Or slide out of a situation to early.

As you form your opinion on things that you encounter,

You may have a tendency to group yourselves with people like-minded.

I think that as long as you consider the opposite side,

Or at least know what you’re talking about,

That’s all that matter.

As long as you have hope for something more you will never stop;

Have dreams, plausible or not, and stride towards them with an open mind.

But always hold those things in your past,

Those people or those places,

Dearly.

Imbed them into your memory.

For even if times are dire and you feel like nothing is even worth it,

Focus on that place, that time, that person, who comforted you

And eat some fucking ice cream.

Because contrary to popular belief;

Everyone needs some alone time.

And everyone needs to be loved by someone.

Maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about;

But for now this sits well with my disposition.

Accelerate, straight into the right direction.