Lonely Lover

I died today. Huh. That’s something I never thought I’d say. But it’s true, and I have to tell ya, it’s not like I thought it’d be.

I’m not sure where I’ve ended up, to be honest. I don’t think its hell, because I’m fairly sure I’d be more uncomfortable in hell, at least. I’m pretty certain it’s not heaven either. I always told you any place with you was heaven, and now that I’m not near you I’ve realized how right I was. It’s not like I’m in pain without you. I know you’ll be here, someday. We can be together then; I’ll wait however long it takes. I’m just lonely, I guess. I’m so lonely that I feel like my chest is going to cave in from the weight of it all.

Waking up was odd. Well, it wasn’t really waking up per say. I simply opened my eyes and realized that I existed. The sky above me was dark, cobalt blue, with twinkling bright stars that coated the sky like a blanket. I felt the cool grass underneath me, tickling my ears. I sighed deeply, and I could smell wildflowers nearby. There was no noise but the whisper of wind through the grass and the occasional cricket. It was so peaceful that I closed my eyes.

When next I opened them, the sky above me was light, and oddly…false. It took me a moment, but soon I realized that it was the same as the ceiling in your bedroom. You always complained about how stupid and juvenile it was to have clouds painted on your ceiling, but I know you loved it. It reminded you of when you were little, and you and your dad would play airplane, your hands reaching out to the ceiling. The sun was familiar too, and the sight of it sent pangs of longing through my empty heart. Do you remember that time two winters ago, when I was feeling so bad because the sun wouldn’t come out? You made me that little sun out of a yellow pompom and plastic sunflower petals, and you told me, “Now you can always have the sun in your reach.” That made me smile then, but now I just miss your smile all that much more.

The grass under me is tough now, scraping the back of my neck and knees. I glanced around me, and realized that the grass is the fake turf of the school soccer field. We came here so often. This is where I first told you I loved you. After the annual school bonfire one year, I dragged you over here and we sat on the field to stare at the moon. When I finally got up the nerve to talk, it came out in all stutters and choked noises. You finally got so frustrated with me that you hit me with your flip-flop and screamed, “Will you just kiss me already?!” So I did. I kissed you over and over until we couldn’t breathe, and then we laughed until we both cried. That was the best night of my life.

I also remember all the times I came to watch you play. You were a great soccer player. Your teammates all loved you, but every time you scored, they would boo and hiss to try to drain out my cheers. You would grin at me and blow me kisses, and I would swoon dramatically just to make you laugh.

I could smell flowers again. I looked over, and all around the edge of the field grew all your favorite flowers, tiger lilies and baby’s breath and those deep blue irises that you would sit and smell for hours at a time. I remember the time I forgot about Valentine’s Day until the night of. You were so mad at me all day long, and then I finally figured it out when I looked at the calendar. So I went out to the woods and looked and looked and looked for three hours until I put together a nice bouquet, and then I walked all the way back to your house and stood on your doorstep for another hour until you came down. You laughed so hard when you saw my dirt-streaked face, and then you made such a fuss about the flowers. I told you “It’s not a big deal, but I wanted to show you how much I love you, and how much I want to do for you every single day.” You kissed me then, and now my heart remembers that kiss. It feels like there’s barbed wire being squeezed around my chest when I think that I might have to wait for years to experience your kisses again.

I try to move my hand, but suddenly I’m aware of the fact that my body will not move away from the ground. And, that there is something in my hand. I turn my head, and my heart seizes up. I see a doll, rough but pretty, about the size of me, if not shorter. It has ivory silk for skin, glass blue buttons for eyes, and lips made of tulip petals glued on. Golden tinsel serves for hair, and it wears a dress sort of similar to your favorite summer dress. Around one of the fingers in my hand is a mock version of the promise ring I gave you for our last anniversary, and as I stare at the doll, tears well up in my eyes. The loneliness that’s been threatening to crush me recedes slightly, and I know it’s because a piece of you is better than none at all. With a sigh, I close my eyes to wait for the time when I will see your face again, and the loneliness of love without a lover will go away.

AN: Just a tiny thing I wrote for V-Day. Sorry, I'm two days late, though. As always. REVIEWS would be appreciated.