|Hi, am I dead?
Author: SpikeyGirl PM
Collection of quotes, anecdotes and general humour from me and those around me, written up for your amusement. Let the laughter begin.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 16,971 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 08-09-09 - Published: 02-16-09 - id: 2636396
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Inspired by Shiori Miko's Can girls get testicular cancer?
Mine isn't just quotes but anecdotes too, some have background as well. Some of these felt too good to not share
Quite a few are science one's. The next chapter will have one not necessarily from school
Year 11 stuff (age 15/16)
PE, at a Fitness First gym near by, on the running machines
Laura: my hips are killing me, it feels like they're going to fall out.
Me: I can imagine that, you're running on the machine then your hip just flies backwards. That would be a funny way to die... Can you live with out your hips?
Laura: probably not. If you did it would hurt.
Me: so you'd turn up to heaven with hips separate and be like 'Hi, am I dead?'. I'd be here looking at you body thinking 'okay'. Actually I'd probably turn up about five minutes later.
Laura: how come?
Me: laughing at your demise
Walking to an exam the person in front of me was quietly singing 'A horse with no name', it made me chuckle, same guy had sung other things into other exams.
We sometimes have exams in a gym, to protect the floor they put tarpaulin down. I was sat down, narrowly avoiding tripping over an overlap. I watched every one who walked pass trip or stumble on it.
Me: Isn't that supposed to be butane, not propane?
Laura rubs out the 'pro' and puts 'but' instead.
Me: Butpane, that's a new one...
Another chemistry lesson
Me: How do you pronounced Butanal (But-anal)?
Laura: Not like that. Its butanal (beaut–an-al)
Yet another chemistry lesson - teacher is writing what he says on the board
Mr Stayt: But then the equilibrium is shifted to the left
'But then' is written in capitals and close together for emphasis
Nick: Why did he write 'butt hen' on the board?
This was during an afterschool lesson I have once ever two weeks we'd had another chemistry lesson just before and no one wanted to be there. This was in 6th form though, so 11th grade or something.
Mr Stayt: are you lot ever going to get bored of burning magnesium?
Mr Stayt: I used to be like you, then I became a teacher, after doing it for 15 years it gets boring.
Random sniggers from around the classroom
Mr Stayt: what did I do to deserve you lot?
Nick: become a teacher
Biology (6th form again)
Laura: if I see another bioviewer, I will show them why I took chemistry last year
Laura: just like you.
Mrs Keenan: ok name a membrane bound organelle
Me: Endoplasmic rec-tic-ulum (stressing the tic)
Mrs Keenan: good. Nice pronunciation.
Rest of class giggling
Nick: Why are there the rough and smooth Endoplasmic recticulum? Why not the semi smooth one?
Laura: depends who's asking for it, they might like it rough.
On a chem. Test
How would you separate amino acids?
My answer: Very small tweezers
Teachers comment: not even Einstein could do that…
In 6th form if you do one of the sciences at A-level then your invited to the Christmas party, biology students have to provide the food. Laura and me decided to do punch, we were told repeatedly, 'No alcohol', we never planed for it. We had 2 litres of Fanta Fruit Twist, 2 litres Cherryade, and a litre of red rooster (cheap red bull). We had one lesson left after that. Biology with a teacher whom I hated and she hated me. My class were as high as kites for that lesson. We'd all had some punch. I'd had like ten cups and had the FFP (First fatal piss). Thing is I didn't ask quietly due to the caffeine.
Me: MISS! I need to PEEEE!
She let me go and I scared some kid as I practically flew down the stairs jumping down flights at a time, I ran passed a couple and tried to look like I hadn't done something wrong.
Watching a (bad) dissection of lungs
Dr S (also known as that woman): and this is a capillary
Me: (Muttering) this woman is an idiot. Thats a bronchiole. Doctorate my ass.
Nick: What was that about your ass?
Laura: anyway at work Simon was helping me refill the carts
Dr S: Pauline! Stop talking!
Me: Huh, but I wasn't
Laura's next to me laughing her ass off
Next term we got a new teacher instead of her.
With this new teacher we were doing natural selection and she had us doing this activity. Blind mate. Two guys were acting as bulls and a guy as a farmer who wanted a bull for his prize cow. One of the girls as a host and the rest of us helping the farmer or summarising the points. One of 'bulls' was describing stuff about himself.
Host: tell us a bit about yourselves
Bull1: Well, I have lots of sperm, gallons of the stuff, I'm not picky about my mate and I'm always raring to go.
In the middle of this a teacher opened the door to talk to my teacher. We could see the look of WTF in his eyes. My teacher acted as it this was a regular thing.
Bull1: I just have so much sperm and it's hard to get rid of so I wouldn't mind any old cow to us it on.
Bull1 had noticed the teacher even before he continued, he's brilliant at acting he didn't even falter.
Bull2: Well, I like knitting and gardening, I could do with some company with this.
The teacher had come in with a kid to sit at the back. The kid also had the WTF look.
Host: why do you think Farmer Joe should pick you to mate with his cow?
Bull1: well as I said I have a lot of sperm to share.
This kid looks mentally disturbed now. My class looks ready to piss themselves laughing.
Bull1: I could mate all day and never run out of sperm, I'm just that good, I have stamina too. Plenty of that.
Bull2: uh, I'm not abusive?
Host: what was your mother like?
Bull1: My mom was a bully, always kicking me. You wonder why I have all that sperm. It was the fact she would put all of the cows off me.
Bull2: well my mom always told me to be nice, she taught me gardening and knitting and stuff.
Very disturbed kid by now. I swear I pulled a muscle trying not to laugh to hard.
Summary person: well we have a very 'fertile' bull with an abusive mother and a bull who seems gay, so not of that much use. Make your choice.
Me and Laura were supposed to help 'Farmer joe' pick but we couldn't stop long enough to say anthing.
Farmer Joe: I think I have better luck doing it myself (he meant picking the bull but we though of it as he wanted to mate with the cow himself)
Well, this kid probably needed therapy for life now. My class were all trying not to fall of their stall with laughter. Bull1 still had a straight face but bull2 was laughing like the rest of us.
Two weeks later the kid was put in the back of my class again but with a friend this time.
Kid: this is the class I told you about, the weird ones.
Physics (6th form)
Mrs Frangou: Mike is there a reason I can see your wearing blue and white underwear?
Mike hastily pulls up jeans. He's one of the people who wears his jeans halfway down his arse even with a belt, not that me or Laura complain, we sit at he back for that very reason.
6th form have a common room and a quiet study room, me and my friends tend to hang in the 'quiet room' there are two poster saying do not eat and there are five computers four with this TSFARM server crap that never works and one normal one. My friend Louise was on the normal one and a teacher came in. Louise was eating a sandwich with an open can of Red Bull on the computer.
Receptionist nazi woman: No eating in this room. (Directed at Laura who's just finished a drink)
She turns to the computer Louise is at.
RNW: have you seen a cup of coffee here? (Adults normally used the normal computer)
Louise is sat there with the look of a deer caught in the headlights and shakes her head. The woman nods then leaves. The rest of us look shell-shocked.
Me: And I have jammy genes!
Italian lesson (Year 11)
Me: it's really humid in here
Miss Gough: I had a bunch of exited year nines in here before lunch
Me, Laura and Zoe: O_O (Followed by long pause)
Miss Gough: Not like that!
Italian lesson again
Laura: look! It's a spider! Kill it!
She's arachnophobia. The other girls squeal when they see it
I kill the spider by treading on it
Miss Gough: why did you do that?
Me: I was getting a head ache from the squealing it caused
Italian Lesson (watching a film)
Zoe: what are they doing at the front of the cinema?
Me: let's put it this way, if we could see it, it would be a porno
If you've ever seen 'Cinema Paradiso' you might understand.
Guy at the back is leaning back on chair and falls back
Me: Damn! Now I can't say that in never happens.
Maths lesson again
I used to sit at the back between two people in year 11, I was reading a book under the table. I'd been doing this for that last three lessons but this time I got caught.
Mrs Armstrong: Do you really think you could have gotten away with reading in my lesson?!?!
Any lesser person would probably have crapped themselves in fear. I was so tempted to say 'yes' but there's a reason she's known as Dragon of the Maths block. Everyone around me was giggling or looking in awe at the fact I hadn't fainted in fear.
Since the Dragon is head of Department she gets to deal with the trouble kids. One kid was brought in because he was sitting under a table in a different room. My class was half missing because of revision lessons.
Dragon: why were you sitting under a table in Mrs Howell's classroom?
Dragon: Do you want to sit under a table in my room?
Me and Laura were trying to stifle giggles from both the situation and the innuendo from that sentence.
Tom: can I sit under a table?
Dragon: sure, see even my class is.
Another classmate who I can't remember the name of: Can I too?
(See above): and me?
The dragon nods and all three of these guys try to fit under a table, the ones that fist two people sitting at them. Luckily for them they picked an empty table or I would have died of laughter. The Kid looks very scared and gets the whole spiel on behaving.
In Maths the tables are arranged so there are two either side, making a path down the middle. At the back is a lonely table for bad kids. The path is known as the walk of shame and the person who sat next to me would always make a wise crack as the kid walked down.
Maths during this year was funny, we spent the whole year, sans 8 lessons, working on probability and similar. Our teacher was a rookie, fresh out of training college. Giving her my class was a mistake. She could not control us.
The probability… we played poker or cards in general. Now anytime we had a sub we would play poker or the likes.
Some of us at the front were listening to music. I sat behind the computer on the teacher's desk. While she was trying to teach us about trigonometry I wiggled out one of the cables a bit. I could see from the reflection in the whiteboard that the monitor had gone blank.
She checked everything to make sure no cables were missing or visibly out of their sockets. She ended up asking me to see what was wrong, I pushed in every cable to make it look like I didn't know what was wrong.
I was bored in one of these lessons, I had bits from my electronics class I had been experimenting with and forgotten about. I had this (stupid) idea to make an electromagnet with the wires. I got the battery from my MP3player for the power source and set it up. It failed and I burnt my finger and thumb. Laura just looked at me and started laughing.
8 lessons before our major exams the maths department twigged on and we got the dragon and another woman who crammed our lessons. Amazingly most of us passed.
Year eight history
Another dos teacher, he should have known better, he'd taught both of my older brothers. My class was the unruliest bunch in the world. If I remember rightly a chair made its way out of the window and we were a floor up. Work was a joke. Rumour had it he had a mental break down.
Year seven history
Somehow I managed to get away with never handing in my project, this teacher was one of the most fear/respected teachers in the school.
Kid waves at his reflection in TV
Mr Coombes: did you just wave at your reflection?
Kid timidly nods
Mr Coombes: You sad, sad person
This coming from the teacher with an arsenal of star wars jokes...
Year 8 English
Yet another incompetent teacher, we were reading a book no one had heard of. I read fast(er than the average dumbasses who made up my class) so I finished way ahead of the class. I had put my reading book inside the book I was supposed to be reading, as with year 9 maths I wasn't caught till a few lesson later. This teacher was a pushover though, she wrote my name on the board and confiscated my book.
The whole class was shocked. By nature I don't get into trouble much, I'm too good at what I do to get caught most of the time, but this shocked them to pieces. I was really pissed a lesson later when someone copied my idea, they only had their book confiscated.
Apparently I was still enough of a good influence to have the 'bad kid' sit next to me. She must have been kept back a year because she was the year above me. She went on to stab a girl by the eye with scissors a year later.
Year seven Maths
I had two teachers for this, one treated up like we were five and the other almost got locked in one of the cupboard room things. And I had been moved up into this class. The teacher I'd had before would glare at you if you dared to say the wrong answer
Now you have the back log I'll start with more current ones