Thursday, April 23, 2009

11:25:22 PM

I hate him. I hate him and the way he is. Like how he was singing today… I can’t get the song stuck out of my head either. It just keeps playing over and over in my head nonstop. It’s not even the recording of the song but his actual voice singing the song. Which isn’t horrible, decent really but I guess I’m an extremely biased opinion.

The fact is that I hated it; the whole concept of the song. If it was a stupid song I wouldn’t have minded that much. But it wasn’t. Instead it was one of my favorite songs that—ironically enough—one of my friends use to tease me as ‘our song.’ It was named that to mock me and our twisted fate, sure, but the memory still holds. What sucks the most though is that at some points when I’d look over to him and roll my eyes, he’d just start to serenade. Like, to me. It was a joke of course, but still he knows. It’s not as if he doesn’t know but he actually knows and singing a song that’s about a guy talking to a girl about how he wants to be with her because they are meant to be is a cruel thing to do with a girl who can’t fully shake her feelings.

So when he sang So Happy Together by The Turtles I almost cried. I’m pretty sure you know the song it goes, “Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night it’s only right. To think about the girl you love and hold her tight so happy together … I can’t see me loving nobody but you for all my life … Me and you and you and me. No matter how they toss the dice it had to be. The only one for me is you and you for me. So happy together…”

Now, this guy wasn’t just singing this out loud, but if I looked he’d be a completely jackass and mock serenade it to me. I wanted to slap him across the face and get it over with—the slap I mean. He just sang it over and over again throughout the entire period.

It’s stupid, but it’s true. Now because of it, this is the only song I can listen to. If that isn’t sad, I don’t know what is.

— — —

In other news: my friend thinks I’m so desperate. Really I’m not. If I wanted to have a boyfriend for the sake of having the boyfriend I’d go crawling back to my ex. He’d oblige gladly, I know he would. Maybe not at first because I was a bitch to him, but he’d break eventually because he’s that type of guy. You know, the type of guy who has to be with a girl and every girl. BUT, she feels the need to ask other people out for me. Don’t ask me why she does, but she does—okay it’s ‘cause she loves me bless her little naïve heart.

So me and Veronica were just goofing off saying stuff about our mutual buddie, Sean, when out of the blue she says, “You should go out with Sean.”

We laugh hysterically at this, Veronica and I, because we know that’s not going to happen for multiple reasons:

I tried the whole going out with a guy to get over a guy, and it didn’t really work out too well.

He doesn’t like me like that.

I don’t like him like that.

We’re friends.

And I don’t know what his voice sounds like because I haven’t had an actual conversation with him for about … three years. And I mean an actual conversation face-to-face that lasts more than a couple of seconds without a nod or shake of the head and the occasional “ouch.”

But as the little ditz that she is—and I say that the most lovingly way possible because I do love this girl to death because she truly cares about me for some odd reason—goes up and asks Sean while I’m, literally a foot away, if he wants to go out with me. Me and Veronica laugh like there’s no tomorrow and the boy stands there bewildered. Hell, I would be too.

She comes up to me later to tell me that he said “yes.” Poor thing doesn’t get that if he did say yes, that he’s messing with her. Oh well, regardless it’s hilarious. You’d have to know the whole story to appreciate the humor in it, but it’s too late to go fully in depth.

I poked my eyeball with my finger today in sixth period because I had to clean my contact because it was bugging me. Of course, I was a douche and didn’t ask anyone to hold the mirror because they were all too preoccupied staring at me put them in like douchebags. I don’t know what’s so fascinating about it, but whatever. So he laughed at me and I glared at him. I think it’s funny what he said—not the “Oh poor baby is crying” because frankly I found that a little creepy as in a pedophile kind of way—“Your eyes are as red as the devil’s dick.” I immediately knew where that was from and started laughing. (If you know where it’s from your super cool.)

Right after that Joey—little José—was across the room and flipped me off mouthing the words, “Fuck you.” If you weren’t in José’s and I’s little circle of knowledge you’d know we wouldn’t really be flipping each other off and cussing each other out because we hate each other. It’s just what we do. It’s much like Nate and I’s relationship but not as deep and without boundaries.

Instead of doing the usual thing of flipping him off and then returning the “fuck you” I decided to switch it up. I decided to make the little heart symbol with my hands and I mouthed, “I love you.” He tilted his head to the side confused and said, “What?”

“I love you!” I whispered.

He shook his head. His face started to turn a bright red. José proceeded to flip me off again and I did the same thing.

This time however, I caught someone else’s attention: his. He whipped his face in my direction then looked over to see who I was talking to—I guess to make sure I wasn’t talking to him? He saw Joey and his bright red face and knew immediately it was him. We both started teasing him to see how red the boy can get—for a brown child he can turn a bright scarlet when embarrassed enough. I suppose I was ruining his bad boy image, I don’t know. So we were just seeing how far we can go. And we went pretty far on the whole teasing thing.

The funniest thing though was when he said to José, “It looks like you got rid of Stephanie, but now you’re stuck with Amanda!”

We laughed so hard at that. Poor thing. I’m not going to live this down and make fun of him for ages. I just got so tired of our old routine, I just wanted to spice things up a bit.

I have no doubt in my mind that they talk about me in my third period class. I see them talking to each other and then looking at me, then talking again. Then, sometimes when they’re feeling arrogant, which is often, they stop and one of them says, “Amanda, we’re talking about you!” As if I didn’t already know.

But I hate it when people are talking about me behind my back. If they can dish it behind my back they better be able to dish it in front of me. I know they do most of the time, but there’s Chance who won’t. I don’t know why, but the boy isn’t intimidated by me. He should be though. I mean if I wasn’t a person who didn’t believe in violence I could kick his ass. Actually I’m a pretty influential person and I’m well-connected. If I wanted to I could be able to get people to beat up Chance. All I have to say is a couple of words, and BAM. Problem solved. It’s not like he says little things, he totally dishes about me. I’m pretty sure he and this white girl and black girl were talking shit about me. Cause the little boy goes, “Hello Amanda.” And they started laughing when I looked. Again, they should be lucky I don’t believe in violence. However, one of these days when they take it too far they should watch out…

One of the things Chance makes fun of me—in a cruel malicious way, not in a José or him kind of way because that’s different because we’re friends—is my weight. Yes, I’m huge, I’m aware of that. But see if he was skinnier I wouldn’t mind as much. If he said something to my face instead to talking about it loud enough for me to hear I’d respect him like I do with Erik. But he just becomes a little prick about it. And the hilarious part, he’s fat. I mean he’s so round and chubby it’s not even funny. He’s not nice, no one likes him, and he’s an attention whore. I remember in the first grade he was so popular and everyone liked him and now no one does because he’s a prick who isn’t the least bit attractive. Maybe I’m bitter I don’t know, but the fact is I have no respect for the boy—yes I say boy because he acts like a two-year old—and he will get what’s coming to him. Not by me of course, but by the whole karmatic kind of thing.

I should be asleep right now. Either that or working on my I-Search project that’s due next week. Too bad I’m not. However, I’m here writing in this thing and then I’m going to fall asleep. Apparently if I just do that and work on it for the next three days nonstop then it’ll probably be better than if I cram it all in one night. Or that’s what Michaela said, but I believe and trust her so I’ll follow her advice.