All right, this was the lightest thing I could think of for the WCC. Sorry for the brevity, and I hope it passes muster.

Don't forget to vote for The Vegetarian Serial Killer!

Dear Eric,

Do you remember the last time we talked, when I told you all the things I hated about you?

Well, I'm not done yet, so brace yourself.

First, your arrogance anoys me. I hate it when you think you have all the answers, and your passivity when you realize you don't have any of them. I hate how you allow yourself to be told lies by all the people around you. I'm the only person who tells you the truth, and you don't even fucking listen. Do you realize how frustrating that is, to be ignored by the only person who can listen to you? It's really, really frustrating. Imagine you're in a box made of two-way mirrors and yelling at all the people who can't see you, but who you can see. That's exactly how I feel, except I've got an arrogant bastard in the box with me.

Second, your pride. Yeah, your pride. In the last month, I think you've talked more about your hair than you've talked to me. You spend about two hours in the shower just to get your mother-loving hair right. You have no idea how tempted I am to put purple hair dye in your ylang-ylang strawberry infusion Head and fucking Shoulders, except then you'd probably kill me with a butcher knife, so I've just had to resist the temptation.

Third, your libido. I know it's 'natural' for you to think about sex about seven times in ten seconds, but come on, we were watching the Lion King, Eric! What the Hell? I'm not even going to linger too long on this subject. That's another letter.

Fourth, your criticism of me. I don't think I've ever heard such ungrounded accusations since... I cannot think of a historical reference to finish that sentence. You telling me that I have all of your flaws is bullshit. You obviously have some sort of dissociative disorder where you project all of your vices into the ones closest to you. Yes, that made you sound like some anti-social loon. Do you think that was coincidence?

Yours sincerely,

Eric.