Finding Light

If only time stood still; what a wonder that would be. Stopping time and rethink, stopping time to make it last longer. I’d admit that I’d like that. Who wouldn’t though? Simply put, life doesn’t do that. There’s no backspace button in life. Always moving forward, never pausing, never stopping, and never going back. Only forward, that’s the only way we can go.

I stared out now. I stared out into the nothingness the window offered. The white sheet of snow covered the ground – so perfect and untainted. I was not the same. I wasn’t perfect. I was a horrible person.

I hurt people for a living. I am a murder - a killer for hire. How could anyone be such a thing? Somehow, I found this okay when I stared in this line of work. That was almost nine years ago now.

Now I can’t go back. I can’t stop this. I can’t remove the bullets. I can’t replace the lives I stole. I couldn’t take away the pain I’d brought to all those people. I couldn’t do anything. Even now, I can’t stop what I do. I can’t because there’s nothing left for me. I will be killed, I could never move on. An apology is worth nothing.

The gun I now held to my head was my everything. It was my repent. I would give up my life for all theirs. I knew it wasn’t anywhere near enough. I knew though that if I died I couldn’t hurt anymore people. I couldn’t break apart anymore families. No one else would get hurt because of me. This was my savior. This was their savior. That’s what I believed. That’s what I wanted to believe.

My finger rested on the trigger. I closed my eyes. There was no reason to hesitate. No one would even know I was gone. No one would care; no one but the people who hired me. They of course, meant nothing to me.

I breathed my last breath and as if in slow motion I pulled the trigger. I heard the gun go off but felt nothing. Where their no bullets? No, I was sure I put a new thing I buttons in it. There should be no problem. Maybe I was dead? Maybe I’d died in that instant.

“You fool!” someone shouted suddenly.

The voice was one I didn’t recognize. I opened my eyes and looked to the man that held the gun away from me. Who was he and why had he saved me? Does he not realize what I’ve done?

“Why…?” I asked staring up at him. His dark blue eyes stared down at me. He forced my hand to let go of the gun which he tucked in his back pocket and out of my reach.

I stood up slowly still staring into his serious soul penetrating eyes. He was so much taller then I was I noticed. I felt like a child who was facing punishment from their parents. Who was this tan skinned man?

“You’re being stupid. This won’t make anything better.” He snapped coldly at me. How did he know?

“What are you saying?” I spoke again trying in vain to understand him.

“Dying – Killing yourself will help nothing. The only thing you’re doing is running away.” He replied obviously angry with me. He reasoning was not something I could understand.

“Who…Who are you? How…How can you…possibly know anything?!” I suddenly shouted.

“You’re not a bad person, I can tell.” He stated knowingly.

“You don’t even know me!” I argued. Who did this wacko think he was?

“I know enough,” he replied calmly. He seemed annoyed with me now. I could see it in his eyes.

“Damn it, give me back my gun!” I yelled angrily as I reached for my gun. “You have nothing to do with this!” I snapped. He grabbed my arms and forced my back against the wall roughly drawing an ever small whimper from my lips. He was much stronger then I had expected.

“I expected my father’s murder to be more then this.” He growled.

I fell silent. His father…? His father had been one of my many victims? What could I say to him now?

“You’re pathetic. To think my father was killed by someone like you…” he snarled and let me go. I slipped to the ground.

“Is it revenge you want?” I had to ask.

“That’s what I had planned originally, yeah.” He replied looking down at my fall form with his cold blue eyes. My long wavy blonde hair hung down hiding my face from his view. I stared down at the floor displeased. “I’ve decided you aren’t worthy death though. Look at yourself,”

“I don’t…understand…” I told him. Everything he said, it was like he was speaking in riddles. None of it made any sense to me.

His eyes narrowed but I didn’t look up. Somehow I knew though. I could just tell.

“I’ve been watching you trying to find a reason not to kill you myself. It didn’t take me long to find a reason.” He crossed his arms, “You weren’t worth it.” At that I looked up at him with my confused indigo eyes.

“Simply put, you seem to be an idiot. You have this belief that killing yourself with help people. If you wanna stop hurting people, then stop. Just stop.” He told her. He made it sound so easy. It wasn’t that easy! It wasn’t! …Was it?

“You’ve killed countless, I know, but how will killing yourself make any of that better. Shouldn’t you live out the rest of your life – the rest of their lives for them? You killed them, you should live for them. Live through all this for them. Isn’t that right?” he asked but didn’t wait for me to give a response. “Instead you wanna run away. You wanna believe that running away will make all this go away. It won’t,”

“I…” I looked back down ashamed. How was it that he knew exactly what I thought? How could this man be so right? He knew exactly what to say to make me feel like a total idiot. I never was the smartest around though. I was always in need of help. The only thing I was good at, the only thing I could do correctly it seemed was murder. That’s why I took the job.

Thinking back, it was my mother who made me realize this. She was abusive. One day I was fed up. I wanted it to stop. I was eight at the time. I begged her to stop, to leave me alone. As usual the pain continued. She wouldn’t just leave me alone. I did everything wrong. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been born. That’s what she told me. It’s what I grew to believe.

Finally, I wanted it to end. So badly I wanted it to stop. No more. That’s what I wanted, it all to stop and go away. I took the knife from the kitchen table next to me and stabbed her only once right through the heart. My precision was flawless for an eight year old girl who’s never hurt a soul.

I was easily able to cover up the murder and make it look like a kidnapping gone wrong. After some time the investigation went cold with no suspects or leads. I was left to do as I wished. My mother had been the last remaining family I had left. She had been an only child and her parents and relatives were dead.

My father on the other hand was a no show. I guessed that it had been a one time thing between my mother and him. It didn’t bother me much. I never really understood why.

As I grew older I met others I hated, people who taunted my nerves. People I wanted to disappear. The desire to slaughter them grew and soon my instincts took over. I killed them. One by one they died. Soon people in the black market learned of my face and eventually my name.

I became a hired killer. For a long while I didn’t mind. That faded though when the dreams – the nightmares tormented my dreams. I wanted out but they had well informed me that if I ever ‘tried anything’ I’d have a hired killer after me.

As a child I feared nothing, only my mother. Once she was dead though I feared nothing more. I believed nothing else could hurt me. I was the best there was. I was a genius. That’s what I believed to be true. It wasn’t though. Only a child would think such foolish things. I soon learned this and my world caved in. Everything I knew came crashing down - all my beliefs proven wrong. How stupid could I have been?

After that I fell apart from the inside out. I had been such a pathetic fool. How could I have been so naive? I asked myself this over and over by never once came to an answer.

Now this boy came and stopped me from ending my own life. All this could end but he refused to let it. He acted like he understand but he couldn’t. He wasn’t like me. I didn’t think he could understand. Somehow though, in the back of my mind I knew he did. Somehow, he understood perfectly.

“Is it…really that easy?” I asked softly looking up at him. I hadn’t meant to, but my eyes made me look so sad. He noticed this and frowned.

He knelt down in front of me his dark blue eyes holding my own indigo ones.

“It’s as easy as you make it.” He assured.

I closed my eyes quickly and shook my head. He had to be wrong. There was no way it could be so easy. If it was I wouldn’t be sitting her looking so pathetic right now. I’d be happy, but clearly I’m not.

“You’re wrong…Nothing…especially not this…it’s not…it’s not that easy.” I told him. I was trying to convince myself though. It wasn’t working. It wasn’t working at all, not even a little.

“Who are you trying to kid?” he asked, “You really are difficult to deal with.” He said before standing up again. He held out his hand for me. “Come on, if you’re too weak to do this alone I’ll help you.”

I blinked and looked up at him shocked. Did he realize what he was saying? Was I hearing right? His hand though. He was holding out his hand for me. I reached up hesitantly and took his hand. I hoped with all my heart that I could trust him. I wanted to be able to do that if nothing else.

~*~*~*~*~*~

He led me out of the abandoned building where I had been hiding out. I left everything I had behind except the money. The money that was all I needed. I could stare over with just this.

No, that wasn’t corrected. I needed Michael too. Michael was the man that led me down my newest path. He was the man who saved me. So for now, he was my everything. All I had was my money and him.

“What’re you thinking about?” he asked after some time of walking.

“Nothing important,” I replied as I followed him. He held my hand in his as if afraid I would get lost if he let go. At the same time though, I prayed that he’d never let go. He made me feel like I was worth something. As if I had a meaning.

“Yeah right, you have that out of it look again,” he huffed. He didn’t even look back at me. I guessed he didn’t need too. We’d only known each other for about three hours and he already could read me like an open book.

I didn’t understand what had happened to me. I used to be so cold, so…about me. When I was with him though, I felt like it was all about us. I felt stupid, acting like we were some sort of a couple. I couldn’t just deny the thoughts or the feelings though. He had a hold on me. A hold I never wanted to disappear.

I was glad now that he’d saved me. He made me feel safe. He gave me faith. He made me believe that everything would be okay. Was it his personality? Was it his eyes? I couldn’t be sure. Still, maybe I didn’t want to know. He may lose his power over me if I found out his secret. I didn’t want that.

“Hey,” he spoke up suddenly snapping his fingers in front of my face. I blinked and looked from his fingers up to his eyes.

“Oh, Um…Yes?” I asked nervously a light red crossing my cheeks. I was really embarrassed now. He probably thought I was some sort of idiot. I kind of was though.

“You stopped walking, and you were staring at me.” He replied simply as he gave me a rather odd look. He definitely thought I was an idiot.

“Sorry, I was thinking,”

“Yeah, I figured that,” he said rolling his eyes. He turned his back to me again and started walking pulling me along. I followed willingly without complaint.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Michael! You promised me!” I shouted tears running down my cheeks. I could still remember when he and I met three years ago. We’d worked so hard. It was all for nothing. It wasn’t that easy! I knew that now, but now it was too late. We never should have stopped.

“Michael, let’s stop for a rest here.” I spoke up glancing at a wonderful looking hotel. From the sign outside the door a one night stay was pretty cheap.

He seemed hesitant and I knew why. The hired killer, Kane had found us again only a few hours ago. Stopping wasn’t like Michael and I knew that. I was being naïve again though. I was still so young. Michael, twenty-seven year old against a young nineteen year old girl like me - Of course I wanted to believe we’d gotten away. We were superior, we couldn’t be beaten. We were the best. No one could stop us. No one could bring us down. That’s what I believed.

“Please? Just for the night?” I pleaded giving him those cute irresistible puppy eyes as I usually did to get my way.

The older man sighed in defeat and opened the door for me.

“Only for the night, one night, that’s it. Got it?” he asked giving me a stern look.

“Yep!” I replied happily before taking his hand and dragging him inside.

We’d gotten close over the years. I learned that Michael came after me for revenge after his mother died of cancer. He didn’t have anything holding him back after that. So he came after me.

Somehow Michael and I became best friends, maybe even more during our time together. He stuck with me through thick and thin. He’d put his life on the line so many times. I never once thanked him though.

I smiled happily as we were given a room. I skipped down the hall with Michael following behind me. I unlocked the door to our room and went inside.

“You’re in a pleasant mood,” Michael commented upon closing the door.

“Well it’s been so long since we stayed someplace nice!” I spoke up giggling as I plopped down on the comfy bed.

“Geez…you’re so easily amused.” He grumbled walking over to the couch. He picked up the remote from the coffee table and sat down on the couch. He turned on the TV and for the next two and a half hours we watched none stop cartoons and TV shows.

It was nice to be…normal for once. We didn’t get time like this very often. That’s what made these times so special to me. Sure, they weren’t much, watching TV in a hotel room. It was something we did. Like normal people. We watched TV. That’s why I loved it so much.

I went over to the couch and sat down next to him. He wrapped an arm around my small form and pulled me to his chest. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Michael?” I asked my voice barely above a whisper.

“Hm?”

“Am I…special to you?” I asked softly. He glanced down at me then back at the TV.

“Do you have to ask?” I gave small nod in response. “Well, if you have to ask then I can’t answer.” He replied.

I pouted and looked up at him.

“Don’t be so mean,”

He smirked slightly and placed his hand behind my head pulling me down into a kiss. I didn’t hesitate to kiss back.

I never understood how I could be special to him. He should hate me, despise me. Instead he loved me and I in turn, loved him. He promised me one day that he’d explain it. On that day, he said he’d understand it himself.

He’d only made me two promises in all the time we’d known each other. That one, and when we met when he promised to help me. I believed both promises with all my heart.

Something pulled us suddenly apart; the sound a gun going off. We both turned to look at the door to the hotel room. Down the hall someone had shot a gun. Michael stood up and checked for his gun at his hip.

“Wait here and don’t move,” He told me and with that he left the room cautiously. He had to see what had happened.

He only seemed to be gone for a moment before I heard gun fire again. It was much closer this time. A bullet zipped past my cheek merely grazing it. I turned slowly around to face the long black haired man who stood by the balcony window in which he came in through. A scream passed my lips.

This man, Kane knew I no longer carried a gun. It was too tempting. I had no way to protect myself. That’s why he led Michael out of the room. It was a trap.

Michael must have heard my scream because he crashed back into the room and shot at Kane. In turn, Kane shot back. Kane was an expert, much better then even I had been with a gun. Michael on the other hand hardly had three years experience. He didn’t stand a chance.

Michael’s eyes widened as a bullet shot through his chest and he fell back. My eyes widened as I stared. How could I have let this happen? It was all my fault. I was so weak. I didn’t give myself time to think as I got up from the couch and ran over to Michael tears running down my cheeks.

“Michael! Michael, please!” I begged shaking him ever so slightly. His eyes opened slightly and he gave me a weak smirk.

“You remember…what I told you right?” he asked. “You...You have to…live in exchange…for all the lives you stole.” He placed one of his hands over mine which rested on his shoulders. “You have to...You have to live,” he told me. How could he trust me so much? I hated that about him.

“Michael! You promised me!” I shouted tears running down my cheeks. He couldn’t die this way. He promised to help me. He promised to help me through this. I couldn’t do it alone.

That’s what led up to now…

Michael of course didn’t respond. I watched as his eyes grew dull until they closed.

“Michael…no…I can’t do this alone,” I whispered to him through my tears. I prayed he’d wake but he didn’t.

A laugh came to my ears and my mind clouded with anger.

“You shouldn’t morn him, you’ll see him soon,” Kane spoke up evilly. He was so clinch.

Michael and I used to laugh and joke wondering how many movies Kane had seen to come up with his completely unrealistic phrases. Now it seemed to mean so little. It didn’t matter what he said. I hardly heard anyways.

I carefully removed the gun from Michael’s hand and held it in my own.

“Forgive me Michael. I know I promised not to…but…he can not live. I have to...I have to fight for what I want. That’s what you taught me right?” I didn’t expect a response. I got to my feet holding the gun in my hands.

I looked up to Kane my eyes filled with hate, loathing, distaste. I wanted him dead. This feeling was so familiar. It was the same feeling I had when I’d killed my mother.

No, this feeling was so much stronger. I hated my mother for my pain. I hate Kane for Michael’s pain. For once, I wanted someone dead not because of what they did to me, but because of what they did to my special someone.

“Oh, what a scary face,” Kane laughed.

A soft growl parted my lips and I held up the gun. Kane smirked and held his gun up pointing it at me. I stood up alone and unafraid for the first time in so long. I had to face my fears alone this time. I knew I could do it. I had to for Michael.

Well, I didn’t have to. The fact of the matter was, I wanted to. I wanted this man to die. I knew it wouldn’t bring Michael back, but I couldn’t move on. This horrible cruel man couldn’t live. This was my resolve.

I didn’t waste another moment as I pulled the trigger, Kane doing the same. I felt the bullet of his gun go through my forearm. I hardly noticed otherwise. My shot had hit his should. I pulled the trigger firing my gun twice more. The shots hit Kane in the chest and the neck. I had no doubt he was dead.

I dragged the gun and went over to Kane. I checked his pulse. He was dead. A few tears ran down my pale cheeks as I returned to my feet. I looked back at Michael. Reluctantly I walked up to him and checked his pulse as well. I felt nothing.

I moved away to pick up the gun again. I cleaned it being sure to remove my prints from it before placing the gun back in Michael’s hand. I promised Michael. I had to live. If I was caught, I’d be charged with the murders of so many people. I would be sentenced to death. I couldn’t let that happen.

“I’m sorry Michael,” I wished softly before leaving. There was nothing more I could do.

I slipped out of the hotel and simply disappeared. No one witnessed me after that for I stayed far away. No one would ever get hurt because of me again. I swore my life on that.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I still think back to Michael and the time we spent together. I’ve grown much older since then. It’s been twenty years since that day. I couldn’t help but wish I could turn back time. Michael had done so much for me. I didn’t want him to die like that. I knew better then anyone now though. You can’t go back.

No, there is no rewind in life. No backspace button, no replay. The first try is the only try. You can’t redo it if you do it wrong. I knew this now, sadly, it took me far too long to learn that. It took too long before I even understood it.

I had forgiven myself though. I knew that’s what Michael would have wanted me to do.

Yes, what I did was wrong, but I am human. I do wrong. The most I can do is live for those lives that I stole. I’ll live on for as long as I am given. May it be only ten more years, or one hundred more. I will live and keep fighting to keep my life; for them, all of them.

This is my amends…

Kay-chan and I wrote this together. We've agreed that it's okay to post this on both accounts.