|Slush Black and the Seven Dwarbishies
Author: Undecidedly Insane PM
You know Snow White right? Well, I'm her cousin Slush and this is my story. Warnings for sarcasm, stereotypes and slash.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 11 - Words: 31,098 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 03-29-11 - Published: 03-10-09 - id: 2645812
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Blame my obsession with yaoi fairytales and the bathtub; it's where I got the idea…
"I can't freaking believe this," I stared in horror at the mirror before me like it was playing a trick on me like my aunt's mirror who told her she was the fairest. Yeah, total lie, my aunt was a hag; the mirror probably said that so my aunt wouldn't break him into a million pieces.
I blinked and the nightmare didn't go away, I twisted and the fabric rubbed against my leg gracefully. I closed my eyes tight and let it sink in.
I was wearing a dress.
Now I know to most people, this would not sound like a reason to be overdramatic like I appear to be. But let me burst your naïve little bubbles.
I am a boy. Not a girl. A man. A manly prince. One who has never worn a dress or even thought about wearing a dress.
And why am I wearing a dress then you ask? Why would a man with such an aversion to dresses be wearing said article of clothing? Simple.
My parents are sadists.
No, I am not exaggerating!
They constantly try to cause me displeasure. My sisters get all the attention, the best jewels, the compliments, the choice of which adoring prince they want to marry. Me? I just get shooed away and told to 'go read my silly books' or sent to do some princely thing like slay a dragon or win a tournament even though it's a well-known fact I'm too clumsy for weapons and I'd rather talk to the dragon than slay it. People are so stupid, why kill a dragon when they can be so informative? My best friend Scaly had been a dragon when I was a kid until a stupid peasant came along and smote him on the spot just to impress my sister who turned him away because he wasn't handsome enough. And I had my best friend killed. Where's the fairness I ask you?
Another thing my parents did to torture me was put me in this dress. I know you're still wondering why but hang on; I'm getting to that part!
Apparently, I'm getting married.
To a prince.
Who thinks I'm a girl.
Yes, laugh your lungs out, I don't care.
I looked yet again at the hideous monstrosity. It was pink and had puffy sleeves and lace and a huge hoopskirt, did I mention the bows? I felt like a cupcake.
No prince would fall for this, unless he was as thick as a rock. The dress couldn't hide the fact that I was male.
My hair is red and curly and most importantly short, it barely reaches my ears unlike my sisters golden tresses that tumble down their backs.
Their faces are soft and feminine; I have high cheekbones and a strong chin and angular jaw.
My sisters are slender and delicate while I am muscular and clumsy. Even the pink frills couldn't cover broad shoulders.
I sighed; it was my fault I was in this mess really. I know, shocking, I actually admitted it!
My parents may be sadists but they were also accepting, they knew I didn't like girls and have never tried to force me to marry a princess. But I never in a million years thought this would be their solution!
This prince must be exceptionally dumb if he would fall for this 'disguise' and want to marry me.
I asked my parents what would happen when he found out I wasn't female and they just waved their hands. 'You'll be married and it will be too late by then and if they try to accuse us, we will just say a wizard cast a spell on you'
I wanted to throw myself in the moat; they made it sound so simply stupid.
I got fed up with my reflection and walked over to the window, hating the sound of the ruffles against the stone floor.
Would the fall from this height be enough to kill me?
I leaned against the wall and ran a hand through my curls, how could I get out of this? Maybe this dress was big enough to be a parachute!
I shook my head and smiled, wishing I could escape to my library but even my illiterate family could find me there. Maybe this prince would actually be nice?
No, I never have been really lucky.
"Slush?" a hesitant knock sound on my door. Again my luck is proven.
Yes, my name is Slush. Slush Black, royal prince of Yriaf Elat. You may know my cousin Snow White? Stupid brat that one, tortured because of her looks, shacked up with dwarves and got defeated by an apple. You'd never see something like that happening to me.
"Slush?" I sighed, here goes the rest of my happiness. Bitter? Me? Not at all.
"Yes, come in," my deep voice rang through the drafty room. Another reason why this ploy wouldn't work, I refused to fake a feminine voice.
The door opened and my sister, Breezy walked in. She was the fairest and quietest of all my sisters, I actually liked her most of the time except she was also a prankster and being on the receiving end of her pranks was never fun.
My sheets still had a lingering scent of piss because of her…
"Prince Dunder has arrived, he's waiting for you in the garden," she said with a blush. My eyes widened.
Dunder? This might be fun!
"Okay, bring me to Prince Dunderhead," I smirked and Breezy blushed deeper and walked quickly from the room. I picked up my skirts (ugh) and followed her.
I studied the halls as we walked, taking in all the tapestries and high windows, golden sunlight flickering in making the hall bright. My family may be unbearable but I loved our castle. I would miss it if this diluted scheme worked.
Incessant giggling broke me from my daze and I looked to the door that led out to the gardens. The rest of my sisters were standing there, trying to get a better look at my intended and it sounds as if he was cute if their giggles were any clue.
All three of them, Sunny, Cloudy and Tornado, my beloved beautiful sisters.
They could have Prince Dunder for all I care, maybe their wits combined with his would be enough to create half a brain.
"Is he handsome?" Breezy asked quietly, going behind her sisters and peering over their shoulders.
"Oh yes, very," Sunny smiled and clapped her hands.
"Not enough to tempt me," Cloudy frowned and crossed her arms.
"How can you say that?!" Tornado roared, looking at Cloudy with wide eyes.
"Let me be the judge of that," I spoke up and my sisters looked at me in surprise, probably forgetting I was there. Who ever remembered the pessimistic book worm brother anyway?
"He is supposedly my future husband," I said, loving the sparks of jealousy that flared in my sisters' eyes as they tried to group glare a hole into my skull.
I stepped past them confidently and marched into the garden as unwomanly as possible.
And behold Prince Dunderhead!
He sat on the edge of the fountain, sniffing a rose in a poetic way, his gold hair flowing onto strong shoulders, his royal blue tunic taut against his chest. His blue eyes as empty as a rain barrel during a drought.
"Good day Prince Dundy!" I waved jovially as I approached him, my grin so acidic I could probably poison someone.
"Ah good day indeed, for I have never seen such beauty as yours Princess Slush," Dunderhead said, his voice husky and his words rehearsed.
"Oh really? With four lovely sisters, you find the brother the beauty?" I raised an eyebrow.
"The King and Queen said you were witty," Dundy smiled while mine disappeared. Stupid sadistic parents.
Prince Dunder patted the spot beside him on the bench and I sat down grudgingly.
"I like your hair, most princesses keep their hair long, short is quite a refreshing experience," he reached out to tug a curl and I leaned away. Was there a script hidden in his tunic?
"Well, yes, but I am not a princess," I said and Dundy just laughed, looking like a typical gorgeous prince. So boring.
"But of course you are, it is why we're betrothed!" Dundy spread his arms wide as if that explained everything.
"No, we're betrothed because you're an idiot," I looked up at the clouds wishing to be a bird or for a rock to hit Dunderhead, either option would make me happy.
"Why fair maiden surely you jest?" Soon-to-be-dead-Dunderhead reached out and took my hand gently in his. I gave a big smile.
"No, I do not jest, do you not know stupid Prince that I am a man?" I said in a sugar-coated voice that could have competed with Sunny's.
"How long will you hide your love behind that joke fair Princess?" the prince chuckled and that's when I had enough.
A swift punch to the jaw sent Dunderhead flying into the fountain with a big splash and gave me the time to quickly stalk away, ripping the fluffy skirts of my dress as I went. I tore away the dress to reveal brown leggings beneath, like I wouldn't wear my own clothing under the monstrosity.
I scaled the garden wall and ran towards the woods, my family was nuts, they could do without me for a few days.
They might even hold a party in celebration of my disappearance.
The sound of a spluttering idiot and my cooing sisters was enough to make me grin as the shade of the trees swallowed me.
And so ends the beginning of my stupid fairy tale. Please tell me if you like it, I need feedback, is Slush as funny and entertaining as I think he is? Was it detailed enough?
Reviews if you want more!