Author: Merry Butterfly PM
The story of Elizabeth Duck and her vampire lover's epic romance, lovingly ripped off of Twilight- not unlike half of the stories on this website- and yet has become too original to be considered fan fiction. Includes story, 'prequel' and deleted scene.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,746 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 03-14-09 - Published: 03-13-09 - Status: Complete - id: 2646808
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Originally, there was supposed to be a great big battle, but I decided to parody Stephenie Meyer's chickening out in Breaking Dawn and cut out some of the actual fighting. So here is some stuff that never actually made it into the first book. If any more ideas come into my head, they will be posted as separate chapters.
(during the dramatic fight scene in Two Lights, before the roof of Elizabeth's house collapses)
Suddenly, and this was totally unexpected by the way, the infamous vampire hunter Albert von Hecksing, M.D. came parachuting into the epic fight. He was accompanied by his lovely assistant Birdie, who was be easily recognized in seventeen countries by her orange jumpsuit and the turbine of an SR-71 mounted onto her automail arm. She cocked her hips sensually and blew a kiss in Zachariah's direction. He immediately turned pink and looked away, reminding himself that he was already in a committed relationship.
The SoulSlayers™ soon followed, armed and ready with their Wind-Y Patented Soul Cleaning Solution™ and their army of private lawyers, ready to fight to the death to preserve their party's intellectual property from copywrite infringement. Their pilot, however, missed. So the party of four ended up stuck in a very tall Douglas Fir.
Juanita, the head Soul Slayer™ (and coincidentally, Jacob Pink's older sister who had run away from home) struck a very cliché pose and yelled: "Halt evil-doers! You are both, like, under arrest for exposing your colorless vampire butts to humans!"
Zachariah and Edgar, after checking to make sure that their pants were still on, looked in horror at the garishly dressed Soul Slayers™ with their hazmat suits, butterfly nets, tangled parachutes, and floppy-brimmed hats.
"Wait a minute!" Edgar protested. "This is out of your jurisdiction! I'm here to execute my twin brother for falling in love with a human!"
"Like, o' conTREAR!" Juanita protested, causing Edgar to shudder as she butchered his beautiful native tongue. "You failed to apprehend your target within the forty-minute time limit and you also, like, let the girl see you guys floating around in the air like woooosh!"
"You can't kill me!" Zachariah protested, puffing out his manly chest. "I've got a wife and a kid on the way, you know!"
Elizabeth grinned stupidly from the upstairs window.
Juanita's eyes widened. She looked at her fellow Soul Slayers ™. Dr. Abraham von Hecksing, M.D., looked warily at the army of private lawyers. Birdie looked right into the camera and blew a kiss.
"GASP!" said the Soul Slayers™ in unison. They immediately huddled together, squealing like a bunch of teenage girls at a post-holiday clearance sale.
"She's the one!"
"She's definitely it!"
"But that's impossible-"
"Gee willikers, Batman! It must have been that dastardly 17th XYZ chromosome all along!"
A perfectly orchestrated shudder passed though the Soul Slayers, and Brent Mansley (nicknamed Batman) smacked his fanboy upside the head before announcing:
"This is bad. This is very, very bad. We simply can not allow this to happen. Do any of you have even an inkling of what that 17-minute-old fetus could become!?"
The Soul Slayers™ took a moment to come up with their own theories as Edgar and Zachariah kicked the crap out of each other twelve feet off the ground.
"Like…a dhamphir?" said Juanita, who was quite well-read on the subject.
"An Alien." shrugged one of the kids.
"A blood-thirsty killer." giggled Birdie, fingering her seven-foot-sword.
"A stupid plot device." Dr. Abraham von Hecking, M.D., offered.
"Stephenie Meyer!?" squealed Brent Mansley's fanboy, Chip. Now, as everybody knows, Stephenie Meyer's name is a dangerous thing to invoke in any fork of fiction. It's right there in the fine print: 'Always check with your doctor before invoking SM's name. Side effects may include: diarrhea, sore throat, nosebleed, projectile vomiting, dizziness upon standing and erections lasting longer than five hours'. Fortunately, Chip did not live long enough to exhibit any of these symptoms, as the very mention of SM caused him to spontaneously combust.