Where are you now?

Written by Dee (Darla P)

When Steve gave her an identity, was it the truth? Trying to get her memory back, she realized something wasn’t right.
There was something missing, she’d been dreaming of him every night.

*

He was all she knew, his blonde hair and green eyes were the only way she could picture a man. He treated her like a queen, and the small wooden cottage right next to the lake was beautiful. They had been living there together for more than a year, but despite all that there was something that kept telling her to get away from it all, something wasn’t right.

Janie once again tried to push those nagging thoughts aside and relaxed against the red blanket she had put out in the grass. She closed her eyes and let the hot rays of sun warm her face. Maybe she was just being paranoid. Steve would never lie to her, he loved her… it was just her brain that fed her with doubt. Maybe it was even normal after everything that had happened to her.

Thinking back, the first thing Janie could recall was waking up at the hospital. Before that everything was blank. The doctors had told her she had suffered a severe head injury and that her memory would come back to her in time. Now more than a year later she still couldn’t remember anything and the fear of never getting her old life back had started to haunt her.

*

Steve had shown up at the hospital the same day as she’d woken up, and said he was going to take care of her. There was no need to worry, he’d told her. She hadn’t recognized him, but he had told the doctors her name and address and all of the sudden she had an identity. If it was the right one no one could tell. She hadn’t had anything that could identify her, and the doctors suspected she had been at the wrong place in the wrong time. Their theory was she had been hit in the head and robbed. And when Steve told them who she was, no one had a reason to doubt he was telling the truth.

Now when she thought back at her stay at the hospital, she couldn’t help but wonder why her friends and family hadn’t come to see her, she must have friends and family, right? Everyone had… She had asked Steve, he said she had never let him meet any of them because she hadn’t had a good relation with her family, and then he didn’t want to talk about it. He had told her they had met just a few weeks before the accident and that he didn’t know anything about her past, but he would help her create a future, and she had to trust him, he was all she had…

“Janie!” she opened her eyes as she heard his voice. Janie, why did that sound so wrong?

“Are you okay sugar?” he sat down next to her and watched her. She looked like an angel as she was laying there, her light brown hair spread out around her head and her steel grey eyes looking up at him.

“Yeah I’m just thinking.”

“About?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Who I am, what my family looks like, what I did before the accident, I really…”

She was cut off. “Why don’t we go for a swim, you need to stop worrying about this, it will come back to you when you’re ready.” Steve sounded impatient, as if her questions were starting to anger him. He sighed looking out over the lake. The water was still and blank as a mirror. Birds were singing in the forest behind the cottage. It was a beautiful day with a clear blue sky, so why would she have to ruin everything by nagging about her accident? Why couldn’t she let it be and just enjoy their life together? This was their dream after all. He had always wanted a little place there he could have his privacy, and with Janie with him things couldn’t be better.

Janie sat up. “I don’t want to wait! I want to know who I am!”

“Please we’ve been through this a thousand of times sugar, let’s talk about something else now.”

Janie sighed. Why would he insist calling her sugar? She didn’t like that anymore, it was just stupid!

“Did I know a guy with black hair and blue eyes? I see him before me all the time,” Janie insisted. She looked at her boyfriend pleadingly. “Do I have a brother?”

“Sugar I don’t know, maybe he’s a friend, I’m so sorry I can’t help you,” Steve leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head. “You know I’d do anything for you, I love you.”

Janie smiled. “I love you too.” She said it automatically now, but the truth was, she didn’t know if she really loved him. Maybe she just stayed with him because she had nowhere else to go. She felt safe with him. This little house was the only thing she could call home. Sometimes she felt trapped there, but at the same time it was nice and secure.

She got up on her feet and gathered her long hair in a pony tail. She looked up at Steve. He was much taller than she was; he didn’t work out, which could be seen at his slightly overweight body. He wasn’t fat, but in comparison to Janie he looked huge.

It was still very warm, and maybe Steve was right. Maybe a swim would make her calm down; maybe it could take her thoughts someplace else for a little while…

*

It was a calm night. The moon was shining through the window, illuminating the faces of the two people sleeping in their bed. It was at nights it always came to her, some fragments of her life. She could see him clearly in her dreams, but when she woke up, she couldn’t recall much.

She was first off the train, scanning the platform with sparkling eyes. It was a warm summer’s day and the city looked beautiful as usual. She loved this place, loved the feeling of freedom as she was away from home. No parents, no responsibilities. Just her and him.

“D!” his voice brought her out of her thoughts. She smiled a bright smile and ran towards him. He met her half way and she threw herself in his arms. When she finally pulled away, he smiled down at her and softly placed a kiss on her lips.

“I missed you so much sweetheart, feels like forever since I last saw you.”

She smiled knowing exactly what he felt. “It’s been six days, way too long,” she agreed and he laughed. “But I’m gonna be here now for the whole weekend, doesn’t that sound good?”

“Perfect!”

She sighed happily. It was these moments she always longed for, when they could be together for a little while. It was then everything felt perfect. She couldn’t believe she had been so lucky to find someone like him. He was romantic, caring and had a great sense of humour. And on top of that he was stunningly hot! Tall, slender and his hair coloured in black made a nice contrast to his light blue eyes. For her he couldn’t be more perfect!

“Come on we better catch the bus home!”

Home

Home

H o m e . . .

Janie woke up with a start. For a moment she didn’t know where she was. Her whole head was spinning. She reached out for him, needing to feel someone by her side.

“Chaz?” she said out loud. “Wake up!” she shook him violently knowing he was almost impossible to wake at nights.

“Whoa what?!” Steve sat up straight staring at her as if she was crazy. “You scared the hell out of me Janie, what’s going on?”

“What?” Janie stared at him confused. Her heart rate had slowed down and she wasn’t feeling so dizzy anymore. She frowned, thinking about her dream. Or had it been a dream? Somehow it felt all too real. But she couldn’t remember…

She sighed frustrated, looking into Steve’s brown eyes. “What did I say to you? I said something didn’t I?” there was a silence so long Janie thought he wasn’t going to answer at all. “Steve?”

“I don’t know,” he said shortly. Chaz, the name echoed in his head. Sure she’d said something, but he was not going to enlighten her about it.

“Go back to sleep now sugar,” Steve laid back down.

Janie sighed, nodding her head. There was no idea trying to talk to him about this now.

Maybe in the morning.

Janie closed her eyes trying to go back to sleep. But deep down she knew there was so idea to even try. She wasn’t tired anymore. Frustrated she sat up, staring at Steve.

“I want to know who he is,” she spoke slowly with a cold voice, expecting Steve to change the subject or ignore her, but she had not been prepared for his reaction.

“Jane for fuck’s sake, stop nagging about that guy! I don’t want to hear it anymore!” he kicked away the covers angrily and sat up facing her.

Janie stared at him, too shocked to speak.

“I’m trying to remember my life, is that so strange?!” she asked starting to get angry.

“Yes! Why the hell do you need to remember your pathetic life anyway, can’t you just be happy here with me? Weren’t you the one who said these five years has been the best years in your life? Huh? Wasn’t it so Jane? So why the hell do you need, what was his name? Chaz?” he yelled.

“Pathetic! How dare you say that?” Janie yelled back, but then she suddenly realized what he’d really said. “Wait, what did you say? Why did you say five years? It’s been one year… and my name is not Jane!”

“Yes it is!”

“No! I can feel it, it’s not me!” Janie was starting to get hysterical. She had never felt the need to get away as strong as she felt it now. She was terrified. Something was wrong, Steve was acting so strange. She had no idea of what he was talking about. And the tone of his voice scared her. He sounded so cold, so different.

Janie looked down at her pillow, and then she glanced back up at Steve. “I uhm…” she started, trying to keep her voice from trembling. “I’m sorry… I’m tired… maybe we should go to sleep and eh, forget about this…”

Steve didn’t say anything, but Janie thought she saw him nod. She swallowed, lying down with her back facing him. She listened to him as he was shifting, trying to find a comfortable way to sleep. She couldn’t explain it; she just knew she needed to be somewhere else. And if she didn’t get away now, she wasn’t sure she would get another chance…

*

The moon was shining down on her, giving her just enough light to find her way through the woods. She didn’t dare to take the road in case Steve would wake up and realize she was gone. She would walk through the forest and hopefully she’d find the road later on. Janie hadn’t had time to plan her escape but she hoped she would be able to do this.

There had been something about their fight last night that scared her more than usual. Steve had said some things she hadn’t been prepared for, things that hadn’t made any sense at all. He had called her Jane and she had never been surer of anything in her life, her name was not Jane, probably not Janie either. But why did he keep calling her that? Who was this Jane? And more importantly, who was Steve? She had been living with him for so long, but when she thought of it, she really had no idea of who he truly was. She just knew what he had wanted her to know.

She had been walking for more than two hours when she finally found the road. What if Steve was out looking for her now? Would it be a mistake following the road? What if he would find her? One last look into the forest made her realize she had to take that chance. Clouds had stared to come and the moon was almost covered. She wouldn’t be able to see anything in there.

Janie continued her path, just hoping it was the right way. If she closed her eyes she could see it before her. A city. Different places and faces were running through her head. She tried to focus and suddenly it hit her; she knew where she’d have to go. She didn’t know why but right now having someplace to go was enough for her. She was one step closer to finding out the truth.

A car stopped next to her. She had been so wrapped up inside her own thoughts that she didn’t even noticed it until a voice called on her. Janie screamed and prepared to run but suddenly she realized it was a woman’s voice. On trembling legs she slowly made her way up to the car.

“Where’re you heading?” the woman asked, watching the girl suspiciously. Janie knew she was wondering why she was out this late on her own.

“Fairview.”

“That’s pretty far, but you can ride with me to the nearest town and then take a bus, hop in!”

Janie hesitated for a while but decided to do as the woman said. She needed to get away from this place and what could possibly happen? If she stayed here, Steve could find her. Going with this woman was her only option right now. And hopefully it would help her get one step closer to her destination…

*

As she stepped out of the bus in Fairview next morning, the city frightened her so much she considered running back inside. It was much bigger than she had thought. Everywhere she looked there were high buildings, cars and people.
The bus quickly drove off and she was left alone. She had no idea of where she was or where to go, but something was telling her this was right, this was where she was supposed to be.

Aimlessly she started to walk along the streets, watching everything she passed by with interest. Had she been living here? But why did everything feel so foreign then? She wondered if Steve had realized she was gone. And what would he do? Would he try to find her? She hoped not. He had been taking care of her for so long and he had been great to her, but she couldn’t stay just because of that. She was sure now, something was very wrong. From the beginning she had pushed the thoughts aside, but she couldn’t anymore. Steve was hiding something from her, and she wouldn’t give up until she’d find out what. Even if it meant she would have to do it on her own.

She had started to remember fragments of her life, but no matter how she tried she couldn’t put those pieces together, and the more she thought of it, she was sure Steve did everything he could to keep her from doing so. She just wished she knew why he didn’t want her to remember.

*

Five days passed and Janie didn’t know how many more days the money she had stolen from Steve would last. It was expensive staying at a hotel, she realized. It was a Friday evening and she was on her way back for the night when she suddenly saw him. He was standing at a bus stop, staring at the road in front of him. Janie was paralyzed and had no idea of what to do. Should she walk over? What if he wouldn’t recognize her? Maybe it was her mind playing tricks on her. But as she stood there watching his black hair and his slender figure, she’d never felt more sure of anything, it was him. It was the man she had been seeing every time she closed her eyes. The one she dreamed of at night. Chaz she whispered, is it you?

Just as she started to move, a bus suddenly stopped and she saw him walk over to it. She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t make a sound.

“Janie! Where the hell have you been do you have any idea of how worried I’ve been! Don’t ever do this to me again!” the voice sounded all too familiar. Janie spun around and saw Steve walking towards her dangerously fast. He was screaming at her non stop. She gasped, suddenly feeling terrified. She couldn’t let him reach her. Not now, not when she was so close to finding out the truth. Before she could think too much about it, she turned and ran. She heard him calling out her name and this time he sounded angry. The normal sweet tone of his voice was gone.

How could he gave fond her? Had she mentioned this place to him without knowing it? She kicked herself mentally for being so thoughtless. She remembered Steve telling her she had been talking in her sleep; she must have mentioned Fairview then. Maybe she had said more, and forgotten about it?

Being small and in good shape had its advantages. Steve lost sight of her quickly, and Janie could finally slow down enough to breathe. Her heart was pounding so fast she was sure it was going to explode in her chest. But she didn’t dare to stop. She needed somewhere to hide and she suddenly knew the perfect place.

Exactly thirty five minutes later Janie decided it might be safe to sneak out of the restrooms which had become her refuge. She carefully looked around and when she didn’t see Steve anywhere she made her way back to the bus stop. It was bus number 12, to someplace called Brookville. She didn’t recognize the name, but she guessed it was some suburb, or simply just another part of the city.

Janie sat down at the bench, burying her faced in her hands. Everything felt hopeless. Maybe she had been stupid to think she would remember everything just because she ran away from her so called boyfriend. She blinked away a few tears and leaned her back and head against the glass wall. That’s when she saw it. On the other side of the street on a tree was a piece of paper.

There was a picture of a girl and the text missing was writing with big red letters. Janie quickly got up on her feet and ran across the trafficked street. The girl on the picture was her. Her name was not Janie, it was Delilah...

It had felt wrong from the first time she’d heard it. Janie… it hadn’t felt like her, and now she knew why. He had given her a false name; she wondered what else he had lied about. Was everything a lie? Had she been living a whole year, had everything she had believed in been a lie? Delilah carefully took down the paper. The bottom half was ripped off…

*

She didn’t dare to hope. It was the fourth day she had been waiting for him there. She had been sitting by that tree from sunrise to sunset for three days, hoping he would come back. She watched as a hundred of busses passed by, but there was no sign of him. She hadn’t eaten and had been unable to sleep at night. Delilah had almost given up when another bus stopped and when she spotted the black hair she immediately knew it was him. He walked straight up to a blonde girl who seemed to be waiting for him. She laughed at something he said and then she took him in her arms and they stood like that for a long time.
Delilah felt like someone had taken a knife and cut right into her heart, and she didn’t even know why. What did he mean to her? Was he her brother, a friend, or maybe… what if they had been a couple? Had he forgotten about her and moved on to another girl now? She really couldn’t blame him though, it had been more than a year after all and everyone probably thought she was dead.

She watched them. They had pulled away from each others and they were talking. Delilah wished she could hear what they were saying. She sharpened her eyes, focusing on him. She smiled, he was the opposite of Steve, tall, slender and his dark hair made him look stunning. But why did he look so sad? He was saying something, shaking his head as he was looking down at the ground. The girl gently put her fingers under his chin and forced him to look at her. Delilah wanted to scream out loud. She needed to know, and she was sure he could give her some answers.

Without hesitating, and without thinking off the traffic, she headed over to them. The girl was the one who saw her first. She stared, grabbing his arm and said something. He turned and spotted her. Delilah stopped dead in her tracks, just staring back. Things started to come back to her and she felt dizzy.

“Chaz?” her voice was trembling as she spoke.

He just nodded, too shocked to speak.

“I remember you now. I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t remember!” Delilah felt tears streaming down her cheeks but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. No longer thinking about the other girl she ran the few steps that were separating them and threw herself in his arms, holding on to him so hard. The dream there they had met at the train station flashed through her mind. She had felt that something had been missing, and now when she was reunited with Chaz she understood what it was.

When Chaz finally started to recover from the shock he wrapped his arms around her too. “Is it really you? Deli?” he whispered. Delilah closed her eyes, so happy to hear his voice again. How she’d missed that accent!

“Yes, I’m sorry…” she murmured, not letting go of him.

Finally Chaz pulled away to look at her. Her hair was lighter than he remembered it and it had grown longer. She looked tired, but happy. He took her hands and held them. “Where have you been, everyone thinks you’re dead.” The emotions were evident in his voice as he spoke.

“I don’t know where to start, it was an accident… I woke up at the hospital and this guy, Steve was there. I couldn’t remember anything and he told me my name and that he was my boyfriend. I’ve been living with him for more than a year… then I realized he was… it felt wrong… he didn’t want me to remember…” Delilah paused. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

There was a long silence as he was trying to grasp everything she’d just said.

“No, don’t be sorry it’s not your fault.” He finally said. He sounded so compassionate she almost started to cry again.

“I’ll tell you everything, I promise,” Delilah whispered. Suddenly she realized the other girl was still standing there, she gave her an uncertain look. Then she looked back at Chaz. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…” she glanced at the blonde. “Are you two… ehh maybe I should go…” Delilah didn’t wait for him to reply, but his hand on her arm stopped her from leaving.

“You really do have amnesia don’t you?” he smiled a tiny smile. “That’s Meg, my sister.”

Delilah just stared at him.

“Sweetheart, come here,” he pulled her into his arms and held her. “I never gave up looking for you. Do you really think I could forget you for another girl? I love you…”

Delilah started to cry again. This week had been too much for her. She suddenly felt exhausted. But she felt happy, this time for real. “I love you too,” she whispered back, and she really meant it.

A year had passed and for Delilah it felt like an eternity. Now when she started to remember her old life, she realized how much she had been missing. She had thought Steve was someone she could rely on, but he had been lying to her the whole time. Delilah wondered what his reason had been, why had he given her a false identity? Why making her believe that the little cabin in the woods were her home? She shivered when she thought of it, she hadn’t been safe there. It had just been an illusion. All he ever wanted was to keep her hidden…

If she hadn’t trusted her instincts and gotten away when she did, who knows for how long she had been trapped there…

“Do you want to call anyone? Your parents? Angelica?” Chaz asked, bringing Delilah back from her thoughts. She just shook her head. “Yes, but not right now,” Delilah slowly let go of him, taking a small step back so she could look at him. “I missed you,” she whispered.

“But you didn’t remember?” Chaz looked puzzled.

“No, but some part of me knew something was missing. I was seeing you every night in my dreams; I just didn’t recall it when I woke up…”

Chaz nodded understandingly. “I’m just glad you’re here now.”

“Me too.”

Chaz smiled, pulling Delilah back into his arms. She gladly wrapped hers around him, sighing happily.

*

Epilogue

*

Five months later and with Delilah’s help, the police found Steve out on the lake in front of his cottage. He hadn’t even tried to escape; it was as if he knew the game was over. With Delilah gone, he did no longer care about what happened to him. That day Steve confessed everything.

He had been at the hospital to visit a friend who worked there and overheard Delilah’s doctor talk about her situation and then he followed to her room. When he’d seen her there, looking so very much alike his dead girlfriend Janie, he had known they were meant to be together.
He’d taken a chance without really thinking about the consequences and told the doctors Janie’s name, and the doctor was just thankful the girl had an identity.

When Delilah could leave the hospital Steve took her with him to his cottage in the woods and told her they had been living there.

Janie and Steve had been together for five years when a tragic accident on the lake took her life, and Steve never quite recovered from the loss. He’d told the police that when he’d seen Delilah at the hospital, he’d thought it was Janie who had come back to him.

*

When she thought back of it, Delilah knew now how a beautiful day suddenly could take a drastic turn. She had been on her way to meet Chaz, when she got attacked. At the train station in Fairview everything had seemed fine, but what she didn’t know was that two men had followed her. She had tried to fight them but they hit her and after that everything turned black. Later she’d woken up at the hospital, completely lost.

She had missed a year of her life, but she wasn’t bitter. Instead she felt relieved to be back home. It had felt unreal to see the happy faces of her family when they were reunited. And meeting her best friend Angelica after such a long time was something she would always remember.

And being back in Chaz’ arms meant more to her than she could ever imagine.

*

The End