louder and louder

sit with me awhile,
help me catch a sunbeam with the smile
in your voice.
i was that girl who would twist
words into phrases that belied
the innocence in her eyes,
only now i bite my lip
forgetting what honey tasted
like at the back of my mouth.

why is it that the only ones who ever showed
interest were more than a few years
older and knew better than
making that first move?

maybe i was younger then –
didn’t realize my heart peeked through
between my eyelashes when
my eyes were closed.
still though, i re-word metaphors
used before because
history repeats itself,
and behind all the words i have ever
written i am essentially writing about the
same thing.

jeremy who placed his
head on my lap and
cam who looked back
when i shyly looked away

i couldn’t find the nerves to do something
about it –
things haven’t changed that much, only
now it almost feels like i have
grown into this frame,
learned how to do more than
just smile with my eyes
when the breeze
curls around my legs bare
beneath my flowered skirt.

i want to remember the desire
that waited behind each
word when i first began to
write with conviction
or intent

maybe i am still wishing there
was someone who knew
me before
my secrets.

---

a/n: I want to remember what your hand felt like at the base of my neck.