~xXx~

After-midnight Thoughts.

~xXx~

She lays awake like many night before, hugging her pillow to her chest for the sake of being close to something, although she would prefer that something to be someone. It’s 2 am and she can’t sleep as they just got off the phone, so instead she lays awake, thinking of things. All sorts of things. And how she wishes that some of those things were different.

She runs a hand over the side of her stomach, her fingertips barely gracing her skin, and she shivers to her own touch, imagining that it wasn’t her own fingers sliding up her body, but his.
Her room is dark, and she looks at the shadows on the walls that her tired mind makes into monsters that come towards her with sharp claws and rows of knife-like teeth. It scares her, and she wants to go away. Away, away, away. But she has no where to run to, so she stays in her bed, convincing herself that they are really only shadows. It’s harder than it seems.

As soon as she feels safe enough to put her feet on the floor she gets out of her bed and walks the few steps it takes her to get to her bookshelf, straightening the books that have been annoying her by standing further out than the others. Uneven things annoy her, and maybe that’s why she doesn’t like being alone. Being one.
One is an uneven number.

She wants to be part of a two, part of him. He’s already a part of her, though he shouldn’t be.

You don’t love him, she tells herself, and that is true. You’re not even in love, her thoughts continue, but this is where they’re wrong.

She is. She wasn’t, but slowly and surely she is starting to fall for him, even though she desperately tries to keep herself from doing just that. ‘Please don’t make me fall for you any more than I already have, because I know that that will only hurt me, hurt you. It won’t end well’ she wants to say to him, but she can’t. It’s impossible, and even if she could she doubts she would, because maybe if she said that he’d push her away.
She wants to push him away, but she can’t. She wants to do it to protect herself, but she knows that there is one thing that would hurt her even more than falling more in love with him. Losing him.

She looks at her watch, it shows 2.13 am, and she closes her eyes to try and sleep. Sleep doesn’t come. Even as she is so tired that her breaths become short and shallow and her whole body starts to hurt she can’t sleep. She reaches out a hand for her night-stand watch and pulls it towards her. 2.26 am this time.

She misses his voice. Longs to hear his laughter as her mind drifts between dreams and reality and she feels that the night is finally catching up to her. He eyes are hurting now, and she takes another look at the clock, its red numbers reading 2.32 am.

As she pushes the clock away her eyes fall shut and her arms find their way around her pillow again, holding it tight as she finally falls asleep to dreams of him.

~xXx~

Authors Note: Written as a let-out for my feelings towards this one wonderful boy after a midnight-phonecall litte over a month ago, I think.
Thankfully those feelings faded, but isn't love in any form the most inspiring feeling?