~xXx~

Her Only One

~xXx~

She’s lying on her bed alone
The lights are off though night has come
The darkness slowly takes her in
Her eyes are closed and she’s thinking of him

~xXx~

She hugs her pillow tightly to her chest, her bare arms embracing it. She does this all the time, always in an attempt to push away the loneliness. To substitute the thought of him with something real.
She searches for his scent in the soft fabric, but all that she finds is her own and the remains of yesterdays perfume.

Pressing the pillow lightly to her lips she moans into her illusion, feeling the magic slowly slip away as a strange yet soothing love-song plays in the background.

“Oh I love, Oh I love, Oh I love what you do to my heart,” the singer cries out of her speakers, and something more that she can’t quite catch before nearly the same is heard again. “Oh I love, Oh I love, Oh I love what you do to my lips.”

She wishes she could say the same, but she knows that would be a lie, and she doesn’t like lying. She doesn’t love what he does to her heart, she hates it. And she doesn’t love what he does o her lips, for she doesn’t know what it feels like as he has yet to do anything at all.

A tear rolls down her cheek, closely followed by more until she is sobbing into her pillow, her breaths all in gasps.
He’s so close to her, yet so far away, and she’s sure he hasn’t even a clue as to what he puts her through. The heartbreak. The loneliness. The dark thoughts that creep out whenever she’s alone.

The last one is not entirely his fault, she’ll be the first to admit – that one is due to years upon years of feeling inadequate, rootless and like she never quite fit in. It’s taken its toll on her mind, though she hides that fact too well for most to notice.
The two other ones though, those she blames fully and wholly on him – it was never like this before.

Earlier she always kept her guard up, and as is common knowledge heartbreak is an impossibility when you don’t let anyone close to your heart. And the loneliness, she was used to that.
Then along came he and messed everything up.

He let her think that she wasn’t alone, he led her to believe that there was hope even for the likes of her, and he made her hope that maybe, just maybe she had a chance at happiness. She let him close because she had faith in him and trusted him. And her world fell apart when she realized it was all just a lie.

She let him get past all her defences and eventually all the way into her heart, and before she knew it the one thing she’s promised herself wouldn’t happen happened. She’d sworn to herself that it would never happen, but like the unstoppable force it was, love had found it’s way into her heart. Love for him. Love that was impossible.

Love, she thinks, is wonderful if you can make it work, but in the ninety-nine percent of the cases that it doesn’t work all it does is hurt all parties involved. Like now.
She’s tired, and however little she wants it her eyelids grow heavy and fall down, her mind surrounded by darkness. She realizes she won’t be able to stay awake for much longer, so she takes her pillow, holding it tight, and turns off the lamp by her bed, her breathing slowing in time as she sinks into her dream world where she is happy.

She’ll dream now, letting go of reality, and when tomorrow comes she will have to deal with what tomorrow bring, but for now all she wants is to sleep.

~xXx~

Authors Note: Written after a middle-of-the-night phonecall with a boy that is one of my best friends and that I thought I was in love with.
Love is surely the best emotion to write to, no matter what form of it.