The Shade Of Poison Trees

Chapter 21
Connor: Sweetness

"Are you listening? Woah
Sing it back, woah
Up and outward to bind, woah woah
I was spinning free, woah
With a little sweet and simple numbing me."
-Jimmy Eat World

"No, you can tell me," Gavin pleaded. I stalled, unnerved. I was all of a sudden too nervous that I had said too much. I took a deep breath.

"It's just…" I felt my face start to grow warm. "It was different with you, though." I looked down at my feet, embarrassed. What the hell was I saying? I should just stop before I make a complete fool out of myself. I lifted my gaze up to meet Gavin's stare.

"I just… I just… Just forget I said anything," I mumbled. I continued anyway, in hopes to try to explain myself by any means necessary. "It's just that I-"

"Just shut up," Gavin said, cutting me off. I almost turned to run away.

"But I-" I protested. I was silenced when Gavin took a step forward and pressed his lips to mine. I pulled away almost immediately.

"What are you doing?" I asked breathlessly. Gavin backed up and stared at me. I took a deep breath, trying to slow my rapid heartbeat.

"What do you want?" Gavin asked me seriously. I was confused.

"You're the one who wanted to talk," I told him.

"Honestly," Gavin said, "I didn't want to either. But I knew we had to and so did you." He was right. He was. We wouldn't be able to be friends like before until we got this thing out of the way. The thing is, though, I wasn't sure I wanted to be friends with Gavin. In fact, I was sure that I wanted more, as embarrassing as it was to admit it to myself.

"I'm sorry," I told Gavin outright.

"You're sorry for what?" he asked back in all seriousness.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," I said."And why not?" Gavin asked.

"Because…" I started. "Because we're friends." I cringed automatically at how lame it sounded. Like a pathetic attempt at an excuse.

"Do you really think so, Connor?" Gavin sounded exasperated. I didn't really know how to respond to that. "We were for sure at one time, but not I'm not so sure." Gavin continued his thought. "I mean, what is this? All we're doing is skirting around each other, not really talking about anything other than small topics such as the weather. We could before. Now it's all screwed up." He took in a big sigh, catching his breath before he continued. "I tried. I really tried to be your friend, Connor. I tried so many times to get you to talk to me, but you never did. Instead, you go make out with my ex boyfriend."

"That was against my will!" I blurted out.

"Oh, please!" Gavin threw his hands up in the air. "Against your will? How hard is it not to kiss someone? You wanted to, admit it."

"I thought we went through this. My gay instincts were at fault! I hate the guy." I told him. Gavin sighed again.

"This is useless," he complained. "It's useless arguing about this useless crap."

"I guess I'll go then," I told him.

"We have to resolve this," Gavin said. "Whatever 'this' is." He was absolutely right. We couldn't keep pretending that nothing was wrong. I thought back when Gavin and I first met. I saved him from a locker. Then we became fast friends and everything was great until Scott came to town. No, actually I think it started to come apart on my birthday. Around the time I started dreaming that I was kissing Gavin. I focused my attention back to Gavin and the conversation we were having.

"I don't know what to do," I said."That makes two of us," Gavin replied. I didn't have any idea what to say or do next. All I did know was that it was getting late and I wanted to resolve this as quickly as possible. I didn't know how to 'resolve' anything because I didn't know what there was to resolve. What was 'resolving' anyway? Coming to an understanding? Putting everything out in the open? I looked at Gavin. It didn't look like he knew what to do either. I took a deep breath.

"I'm just really sorry," I said.

"Sorry about what?" Gavin asked pointedly.

"I don't know… I'm just sorry. In general."

"You can't just…" Gavin trailed off, sounding annoyed.

"Can't just what?"

"Apologize when you don't know what you're apologizing for."

"I just felt that I had to," I said truthfully, sighing. Gavin sighed too.

"For the record, I'm sorry too."

"But you didn't do anything wrong," I protested stupidly.

"Neither did you," Gavin said back.

"If I didn't do anything wrong, then why are we here?" I blurted without thinking.

"We're here because you didn't do anything wrong," Gavin replied. I blinked at him, confused. What did he mean by that?

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him. Gavin groaned, causing me to groan.

"Why are we here?" I asked. "What is there more to say?"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Gavin said again, dumbly.

"But I don't understand." I said, feeling perplexed. If his goal was to confuse me, then he had succeeded. "I did plenty of things wrong. I never told anyone about my dad, I somehow caused Mia to cheat on me, I made you think you were getting prank calls, I kissed Scott. More than once. I kissed you, not once, but twice… I just did a lot of things wrong." I took a breath, done with my rant.

"But…" Gavin said hesitantly. "What if you didn't?"

"What?" I gaped at him.

"I mean… what if it was supposed to happen?"

"What?" I asked again. "What are you getting at?"

"I mean… I don't think you did anything wrong." Gavin repeated. I got the feeling he wanted me to figure out something.

"You mean… but no. I made a lot of wrong decisions. Don't tell me I didn't, because I did."

"But… listen to me, Connor. You didn't!" Gavin said again. I was so close to snapping.

"Stop with the run-around and tell me what you really mean!" I told him angrily. Gavin turned his head away, as if embarrassed.

"Look, okay. What I meant was… it wasn't wrong when you kissed me." He kept his head turned. "In fact, I'm pretty sure that it was right."

"What?" I looked at him, my mouth dry. Was he saying--?

"Just what I said," Gavin said, abruptly turning his head to look at me. "I like you, okay? And I don't think it was wrong when you kissed me." I didn't know what to say to that.

"Did you think it was wrong?" he asked me.

"If I did, I wouldn't have done it." I replied truthfully. "I just don't know, I'm so confused-" Gavin sighed before cutting me off.

"Look, I'm not going to figure things out for you. So when you do figure things out, come find me." Gavin told me, turning to walk away.

"Wait!" I called out impulsively.

"What?" he asked. I hesitated. What did I want? I didn't know what I wanted. The only thing I did know was that I didn't want Gavin to leave. I stayed silent, contemplating on what to do next.

"I'm just going to go," Gavin said, walking past me.

"No!" I cried out in frustration. Impulsively, I reached over and grabbed Gavin's face, pulling it to mine. He was surprised, I could tell. It took a moment, but he did respond. As we kissed, the only thing I thought was good thing Lulu won't interrupt us. I didn't know how long we were like that, but I knew that I didn't want to stop. I feared the conversation what would be inevitable when either of us pulled away. Unfortunately, Gavin pulled away first. We were both breathless, panting and I felt a little dizzy.

"What was that?" Gavin demanded as soon as he could his breath.

"I… don't know," I said. "I just wanted to." I stared at Gavin, awaiting his response.

"So what now?" Gavin asked. I shrugged, taking a deep breath. It was my turn to say something. I had to take the initiative this time.

"You know…" I said, suddenly very nervous. "Before, when you said you liked me…"

"Forget it," Gavin said.

"No," I said. "I just wanted to say that, you know, I like you too." I finished the last line as fast as I could. I raised my gaze over to see Gavin staring at me, a slight grin on his lips. Then, he started to laugh.

"What?" I blurted out, astounded. "How is this funny?"

"No… it's nothing," Gavin said. "It's just really funny."

"I'm glad you think so," I groaned.

"It's not you…" he said. "It's just hard to explain."

"Try," I demanded. Gavin laughed again before leaning over and kissing me. I started kissing him back. I felt Gavin take a step forward and I took a step back and the next thing I knew I was submerged in freezing cold water. I started thrashing around until I resurfaced. I blinked rapidly until my eyes readjusted to the world around me. I looked up at Gavin, you was looking at me in disbelief. I coughed up the foul tasting water.

"Are you okay?" Gavin asked, perturbed.

"Just fine," I said sarcastically, while treading water. Gavin then started laughing.

"I can't believe you did that!" he said in astonishment in between laughs.

"Me neither," I said, annoyed. Gavin laughed louder this time, kicking his shoes off.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Just wait," he said, backing up a fair amount. I watched as he ran forward and to my dismay, leaped over the edge and canon-balled into the river as well. I gaped at him as he resurfaced.

"Why do you get to have all the fun?" he laughed. "Cold, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I agreed. Despite the situation, I found I was in a very good mood.

"It's been a while since we were here together," Gavin said and I nodded. I groaned after a minute."What?" Gavin asked.

"My mom's going to kill me," I said.

"Oh," Gavin said. "Speaking of that, your brother and I talked the other day."

"Eh? Why?" I was suddenly afraid.

"He told me about how your sister saw you kissing Scott. He's just worried about you."

"Oh," I said softly, kicking my shoe off my foot, only to have it sink. I tried to grab it, but missed.

"We should probably go soon," I said.

"Yeah," he said. "But…" he paused.

"What?" I asked, eyeing him.

"Just… what are we?"

"Um, humans?" I blurted out nervously, guessing about what he was going to say,

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Gavin said, seriously.

"I know," I sighed.

"So…" Gavin said. "Let's recall all known information, shall we?"

"Uh… okay," I agreed, wondering where Gavin was going with this.

"You kissing me was not wrong. I like you, and you said you like me," he finished.

"And?" I prompted.

"Well…" he said. "I know there's something here, between us and I really want to find out what it is if you do.""I do," I told him, smiling.

"Okay then," Gavin said with a smile. "We can find out together. You know, taking it slow.""Yeah, I'd like that." I replied with a smile before turning and climbing back onto the ground. Gavin followed suit."So, do you have any idea what time it is?" I asked.

"None," Gavin told me.

"I really should get going then," I said. "My mom's probably freaking out."

"Okay," Gavin laughed. "Maybe you should then." I nodded, hesitating before leaning over and kissing Gavin one last time before hopping up and leaving. As I walked home, I was very aware of my soaking wet clothes. I sneezed. Albeit if I caught a cold, it would be more than worth it.

I snuck into my house, unsure exactly what time it was. I peeled off my remaining wet sock, putting in in a corner on the floor. I walked into the bathroom and squeezed out my clothes when my mom walked in.

"Connor! Good God, what happened to you?" she practically shrieked.

"Nothing much," I lied, watching my hands.

"You're soaking wet. Where have you been?"

"I fell in the river," I told her, which was true.

"You fell?" she asked. "Or were pushed in?" she sounded concerned.

"I fell, I swear." I assured her.

"Were you alone?" she asked. I froze. I then mumbled something under my breath that was unintelligible.

"What, Connor?"

"No," I said. "I wasn't alone."

"Who were you with?" she grilled me.

"A friend," I said."Which friend? Mia?"

"No, Mom, Mia and I broke up."

"What? When did that happen?" she was surprised.

"Um, a while ago," I said.

"And why didn't I know about this?"

"I don't know?" I cringed. "I thought I mentioned it."

"Fine, so were you with Ian?"

"No," I said. "Ian and I aren't friends anymore."

"Oh, right. You told me about how he made fun of your other friend, Gavin."

"It was more than made fun of, mom."

"Right. You said that as well." she paused. "So is that who you were with? Gavin?"

"Mhmm," I said after a slight conversation.

"Oh," she said, "So what were you doing?"

"Talking, hanging out. Why, what else would we be doing?" I asked her, starting to feel a panic rise in my chest.

"Swimming," she said, pointing at my wet clothes.

"Oh," I laughed shakily. "Right. Well, as I said, that was an accident."

"So… how good of friends are you with Gavin?" she asked. No, I thought.

"Uh, good friends, I guess." I said."Connor… are you-"

"I should get out of these wet clothes," I said quickly, getting up. I knew what she was going to ask me. And I wasn't ready to answer it yet.

TBC..