Erase and Rewind

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Birthday Blues (Part II)

Birthday Blues (Part I) Recap:

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“You bitch!” I jumped to my feet and stared at my ruined dress, there was a red stain trailing all the way down from my crotch.

“Oops,” Tracy clucked her tongue and tilted her head to the side. “It was an accident.”

“You did that on purpose,” I yelled out loudly.

“No I didn’t. It was an accident.”

I felt like strangling her as she stood there smirking but as the sound of laughter swept around me I could only just stand there numbly. I stared at my ruined dress and then up at Tracy. I opened my mouth to give her a tongue lashing but all the bravado was gone, instead I had to fight back tears. I took one last look at their laughing faces and then rushed out of there as fast as I could with the sound of their mocking laughter behind me.

As soon as I was out the Adkins front door, I ran down the street towards my house. The wind had started up and whipped my hair around me, blinding me. I carried on racing home, wanting to get away. It was only when I reached my house that I hit an obstacle: I didn’t have a key to get in. I’d gone to the party with Gran and hadn’t bothered bringing my purse. Now I was stuck.

“Shit,” I swore loudly and kicked the door furiously. We didn’t have a spare key hidden outside, like under a pot or something. Gran was paranoid about things like that worried that it might fall into the wrong hands.

I had two options: wait out here in the bitter cold, or go back to the Adkins. I knew which one was the smart choice, but in my current frame of mind smart had no chance of winning. My emotions were battering away at me and any minute now it was going to spill out. I had to get into the house.

I walked around to the back of the house checking all the windows and doors but they were all locked. Just as I was about to give up I noticed that my bedroom window was gaping open. Granted leaving it open wasn’t a clever thing to do but I could have cried in relief when I saw it.

I closed my eyes and moaned at the idea forming in my head: climb up that tree, walk across the small ledge and then jump over the empty space that looked like a chasm waiting to swallow me. Easy peasy. Sure I’d done this before, but not for a good couple of years now. The whole thing mightn’t have been so bad if I’d been dressed properly, but in my current attire there was a bigger risk of falling.

It should have been easy to turn back around and head back to the party – but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take another minute of watching people look at me like I was vermin – not with my emotions too close to the surface. I took one last look at my bedroom window eagerly and then kicked off my heels. I hiked up my skirt until I would have flashed anybody passing by and started to climb the tree. This just wasn’t my night.

It was a long and gruelling climb. I was reluctant to move faster than a snail’s pace not when my palms were damp and I was scared of slipping. I cut my hands as I went up and lost my footing several times, but I didn’t give up.

When I’d almost reached the top, a strong gust of wind hit me, almost knocking me out of the tree. I gasped as I clung to the tree tightly, holding on for my dear life. My heart hammered like a jack knife, beating so hard and fast that I was certain it was going to jump out of my chest.

After what seemed like a lifetime, but was probably just a few minutes, the wind let up a bit. Taking my chance, I kicked my legs up and hauled myself onto the branch. I lay there, clinging like a limpet before I forced myself to move. I kept telling myself that I’d done this a million times, it was nothing new, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I hadn’t been the girl who needed to climb trees for a while now.

“Piece of cake,” I said to myself cheerfully once I was at the top of the tree and was faced with the prospect of leaping across to land on the ledge of the windowsill. My first mistake was I looked down for one second and the world started spinning. I wondered then if I had gone crazy. Who in their right mind would risk this to escape a party?

“You’re stupid Lee...you should have just waited outside,” I muttered to myself but that didn’t stop me from calculating how far I’d have to jump. I took one last second to catch my breath and before I could think about it, I jumped across. Like a gymnast on a beam, I walked my way across the ledge, keeping my back straight and my eyes forward. I was almost giddy with happiness when my window was within touching distance and leapt through the window, desperate to get out of danger. I landed in a heap on the floor.

After a couple of minutes had passed, I sat there on the floor catching my breath and cursed myself. I couldn’t believe all the trouble I’d gone through to escape one measly party.

“You stupid cow!”

o0o

After an eventful evening, I took a long hot shower to ward off the chills and wash away the grime. I then doused my hands with Dettol – it stung like a bitch but the antiseptic meant I wouldn’t be getting an infection any time soon. My hands were red and raw – they looked sort of like a war wound and after my night the description seemed to fit quite nicely.

While it was easy to cleanse away all the physical weight of the night it wasn’t so easy to get rid of the mental turmoil. I purposefully ignored my little breakdown. I hated to think I’d given Tracy and the others the satisfaction of almost seeing me cry.

I was so hell bent on proving to everyone that their hostility meant nothing to me that I’d come to believe it too. I’d fooled myself. Tonight proved that I wasn’t so immune to their attacks after all and I hated that thought. Their opinion of me didn’t matter, only Gran’s, but I’d let it get to me tonight. Why?

I was in the kitchen making myself a cup of tea when I heard the doorbell ring. I frowned and wondered who could be at the door so late – it wasn’t Gran, she had a key. I made my way to the front of the house and cautiously opened the front door. When I saw who was out there it took all my effort not to slam the door shut. It was Connor.

“Can I come in?” He asked softly. He stood there to the left of the porch light. Half his face was cast in shadow lending him an ominous aura. No – the word reverberated through my skull but he had this determined look about him. Something told me he wouldn’t leave until I let him in. I clenched my fist, prepared to tell him to ‘fuck off’, but before I knew it I’d pushed the door wide open.

I decided to be generous. I’d give him a few minutes to say what was on his mind before I kicked him out. This way I’d prove to myself that I was nothing like the rest of them. At least I gave him a chance.

It took a couple of minutes for me to find my voice but I was proud of the fact that my voice didn’t waver when I answered. “Sure.”

He followed me into the house until we reached the living room. We walked silently to the living room but all the time I was aware of him behind me. I felt vulnerable around him, dressed only in my robe. I’d been going up to bed when he’d caught me.

I sat down on one of the armchairs and tightened the sash of my robe. “What are you doing here Connor, Gran’s still at the party?”

“You left.” I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think he expected me to reply, but when he kept watching me I realised that he wanted me to explain myself.

“Are you serious?” I choked. “You really expect me to answer that?” He sighed and dragged his hands through his hair roughly.

“Yeah, I want you to tell me why you left.”

He finally sat down on the sofa and I was glad that we were on the same level. I hated that I’d had to look up at him. He shifted around on the seat until he was comfortable and waited for me to answer his question. I laughed at the absurdness of it all and shook my head.

“I always thought you were the genius Thompson but I’ll say it in three easy words so you get it. I-wasn’t-wanted. Is that clear enough for you?” He was silent as he rested his head against the back of the sofa.

I fidgeted in the armchair and sat there waiting but he never said anything. He just sat there with his eyes closed that I thought he might’ve fallen asleep. It felt surreal having him here, I wondered whether I was the one who’d fallen asleep and this was all just a dream. I pinched myself to check and felt the sting. Nope – this was real.

“Why are you here Connor, coz I’d like to go to bed?” I leant back on the sofa and stared at his face. His hair was messy from all the stress he’d put it through and the top three buttons of his shirt was unbuttoned. If someone walked in on us right now it sure would have looked suspicious what with me in my robe and Connor looking so dishevelled.

“I didn’t know they’d be like that.” His voice was low that I had to strain my ears just to hear those words but I did catch them and it stopped me in my tracks. What he’d said surprised me more than him being in my house, with me.

“What’d you think it’d be like,” I asked sarcastically and was flooded with feelings of resentment and anger. “Did you think it’d be all peachy?”

“No – but I didn’t think it’d be like that.”

“Yeah well, that was nothing – lucky for you – you missed the worst of it.” I fixed my attention on my sash and picked at the threads. I couldn’t look at him, not then. “Now that was fun.”

“I bet,” he drawled.

I caught a faint trace of amusement in his voice and it pissed me the hell off. “Are you laughing? Are you actually finding joy in all the shit that I had to deal with?” I accused, my voice rising with each second. He opened his eyes then and stared back at me, confused.

“Why would I laugh at that?” He asked curiously but I couldn’t tell him why, not when I had a million and one answers to that question.

My skin started to itch from inside out. I felt restless and jumped to my feet. I started to pace the floor, feeling cornered. My thoughts were scattered, flying in different directions and it was driving me crazy. When I looked over my shoulders I was met with a sight that pushed me over the edge.

His eyes were closed as he sat with his head resting against the sofa. While I felt like I was spiralling downwards he was the complete opposite: cool, calm and collected. He was completely at ease like nothing could faze him. I saw red.

“Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted Connor, for everyone to hate me, like you hate me?” His eyes snapped open at the accusation and he stared at me like he was seeing a ghost. I stopped pacing and turned to face him, wrapping my arms around myself as a cold shiver raced down my spine. “This is what you wanted, right?”

I hated the weakness in my voice, hated feeling like the one at a disadvantage, but most of all, I hated the part of me that needed him to confirm what I said wasn’t true. I needed to hear him say he didn’t hate me and I held my breath waiting.

“...I never wanted anyone to hate you Leah, not before and not now.”

I felt my heart plummet at his words. There was no malice in his face or voice and as I looked into his clear blue eyes I knew with certainty that he spoke the truth. I should have been happy hearing he didn’t want other people to hate me, but he never denied that he didn’t.

“So how’s college going?” Connor remarked casually. My face screwed up in confusion at the swift change in conversation but I got that it needed to be done. I noticed the way his hands were fisted at his sides and his pale face. We were stepping into dangerous territory, one neither of us was ready for yet.

“It’s okay – busy.”

“That’s good. How’s the photography going, you still driving Grandma up the wall with that camera of yours?” I chuckled and smiled as I recalled just this morning when I had popped out from nowhere and snapped a picture of Gran as she sorted through the post. It had been funny as hell when the flash had gone off and those letters had gone flying out of her hands.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Those are the best – when she’s not expecting it – they’re honest.”

“I remember.”

Instead of sitting on the armchair, I unconsciously walked over to Connor and sat down next to him. The anger I’d been feeling evaporated and instead there was this lull. It felt like we’d reached some kind of truce and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I felt relieved. It was draining to be constantly on guard around someone and I was too tired right now to argue or fight.

“What happened to your hands?” His voice tore me out of my hazy daze. Confused, I turned my head sideways to catch Connor studying my hands. I’d forgotten about them.

“Oh...I cut them – when I was climbing the tree.”

“You were out climbing the tree?” His sharp voice cut through my sleep addled brain and snapped me back to attention. I flushed under the weight of his stare. I knew my actions hadn’t been the cleverest but I hated how he was making me feel like a dumb idiot.

“Yeah, so what?” I growled and crossed my arms defensively.

He rolled his eyes when he noticed me giving him a nasty look. “You could have fallen and broken your neck. I can’t believe you’d be stupid enough to jump across the ledge when it’s bloody windy.”

“I didn’t want to sit outside in the freezing cold – who knows how long I’d have to wait until Gran got back.”

“You could have come back to Johnny’s.” I snorted in a very unladylike fashion and was glad he was smart enough not to try and argue with me on that point.

I turned my head to check the time and saw it was almost ten pm. The party hadn’t gotten into full swing until almost nine o’clock and would probably carry on much later into the night. Yet here I was, fighting to stay awake. It brought a smile to my face. I was having more trouble keeping my eyes open than the pensioners who were partying it up. How sad.

“Does it hurt?” Connor spoke up softly from beside me. I blinked in surprise before I caught onto his meaning. I held out my hands and stared at the red cuts on my hand.

“Not so much now, I cleaned it earlier.”

“Liar.”

Before I could stop him Connor grabbed one of my hands and held it within his. He ran a finger along my lifeline; I had to bite my lip to stop myself from wincing as he examined the injury. I’d been gripping the tree and the ledge so tightly that I could still see imprints now.

“Put some antiseptic on it and bandage it up.”

“Thank you Doctor but I’ve already put antiseptic on.” I snatched my hand back and rested it on top of my lap. Now that he’d seen the state of my palms I didn’t need to bother hiding them. I flexed my hand as a tingle shot along the skin. I must have hurt myself more than I’d thought.

We sat there quietly, the air was charged around us but I wasn’t filled with an urge to escape. I was content to just sit there and let things unfold. The tension in my shoulders eased up with each passing second that Connor didn’t pounce. I was safe – for now.

The low clicking of buttons being pushed filled the air. I stole a glance sideways and caught Connor with his mobile. “Who’re you texting?”

I stared at him curiously and leant over to sneak a peek but he just moved the mobile out of my line of sight. I didn’t care that I was prying into his private business and looked at him expectantly.

He rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “Johnny – happy now Miss Nosy Parker?” “What did you say?” I pushed on when I heard the playful note in his tone. Something told me he wouldn’t snap or clam up, the truce was still holding.

“I told him something came up and I had to leave – satisfied?”

“Very,” I told him gleefully.

It amazed me that Connor had freely given up that information – there was an easy going banter between us. It was unexpected. We fell back into silence but this one was more comfortable than the rest. It seemed to feel right that he was here instead of at the party and that tripped me up. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t at the Adkins’ house. I thought he might be here to check up on me for Gran’s sake but it didn’t explain everything. I bit my lip and kept stealing glances at him. I thought about asking him why he was here but didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked cautiously. My eyes grew wide at being caught staring and immediately trained my gaze up ahead.

“Are you going back to the party?”

“Being nosy again?” I smirked and shrugged indifferently, even though I really wanted to know what he was going to do.

“No I’m not going back.”

“But you’ll miss everything,” I said urgently but he didn’t seem at all fazed. “Mr Adkins won’t be happy.”

“George won’t mind, I doubt he’ll even miss me, besides he’s already cut the cake.”

I wasn’t so sure about his answer. I doubted anyone would miss my presence at the party but Connor? He was a different case. He was a family friend, the fact that he was on first name basis with Mr Adkins spoke volumes. Johnny would be furious if he ever found out Connor had been at my house instead of his dad’s birthday party.

“Stop worrying,” Connor drawled as he watched me fidget.

“Who’s worrying? I’m not worrying,” I blurted but when his lips curled upwards it was pretty obvious he didn’t believe me. To prove that I wasn’t stressing over this, I squared my shoulders and tried for a sardonic smile but it fell short.

“Nothing’s going to happen with Johnny.” I felt unsettled that he’d sensed my anxiety because I was worried about how Johnny would react and then it me – Johnny would never find out because Connor would never tell him he’d been with me.

“Right,” I mumbled flatly, feeling tired all of a sudden.

I lifted my legs off the floor and tucked them underneath me. I could feel sleep tugging at me heavily but I forced my eyes to stay open. I knew I’d regret the decision to stay up so late tomorrow when I had a full day of class but I wasn’t ready to go to bed. Not just yet.

A sudden thought hit me – out of the blue. I had classes tomorrow. Easter break was over – had been over for a couple of weeks now – yet Connor was here. Connor was still home when he should have been at Uni. Although universities sometimes had longer holidays than schools and colleges, like for summer and Christmas, that wasn’t true for Easter. So why was Connor still here?

I turned my body to face him and stared at him intently. There was something off here – I couldn’t put my finger on it– but something wasn’t right.

“Why aren’t you back at Uni, Connor?” I asked softly and knew I’d stumbled onto something when his eyes grew wide as saucers. He didn’t reply immediately, I’d caught him off guard, but he knew I knew something was up.

He dragged a hand through his hair roughly and sighed. “You know you’re the first person to ask me that question.” He chuckled softly but I couldn’t find anything funny to laugh about.

“Why aren’t you at Uni?” I persisted with my line of question. I wasn’t going to back down on this, not when it was something this important. I had this sinking feeling that whatever he told me I wasn’t going to like it.

“I dropped out.”

His confession was like a splash of cold water to my sleep-dazed mind. It boggled my mind that for a moment I thought I’d heard wrong but as his gaze continued to bore into mine I knew I hadn’t been imagining.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I shrieked and turned round to sit sideways on the sofa, so that I could glare at him better.

Connor stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around. “Could you be any louder? I think the whole neighbourhood heard that.”

I growled lightly and yanked on his sleeve to get his full attention. “Tell me you’re joking because I have a hard time believing you’d be dumb enough to pull something like this.”

I waited for him to tell me he was just kidding but he just shook his head.

“Sorry but I’m not joking.”

Out of everyone I knew Connor was the one person I’d always known was going places. He was the one who’d had the big dreams. Connor was smart but he still studied hard. He got great grades that got him into an even greater university. He went to Cambridge damn it – how many people could say that?

I slumped back against the sofa not believing what I was hearing. “What happened to becoming a Physicist?”

“It’s still in the pipelines.”

It was that calm nonchalance that got to me. He’d worked so hard and now he was just going to throw it all away? I couldn’t understand where this was all coming from.

“Why?”

He didn’t answer instead his face grew tense as he bounced his legs up and down. For a while he stared at the black TV screen before switching his attention to his mobile, and still he avoided my question.

“Why, Connor?” I repeated my question and felt my breath hitch when he turned his focus on me. There was such torment in that gaze that I had to look away.

“Because I need it – I need to sort myself out coz right now I’m a mess. I’m behind in my classes, missing deadlines, screwing up assignments – I’m all over the place! I barely know what I’m doing. So there’s your why, Leah, does that satisfy you?”

I flinched at his harsh tone. I knew what this was all about, who it was about. Guilt crept up on me but I squashed it before it could surface. I refused to let the blame sit on my door, not when it was his actions that got him here, not again.

“That’s your fault, not mine,” I replied hoarsely and wrung my fingers in my lap.

“I know it’s my fault,” he admitted.

We fell quiet, each of us lost in our own thoughts. The night was turning stranger by the minute. Never would it have crossed my mind that there’d be a role reversal like this. While I was getting ready to go to university Connor had dropped out of his. Me the girl who’d skipped classes like crazy and Connor the goody goody who liked to read his textbooks for fun.

“So what now – you going to go work at Asda?” I joked trying to inject some lightness back into the conversation.

“No.” He chuckled and I smiled along with him. “Although I’d look pretty good in that uniform don’t you think? I’ve been told green makes me look hot.”

“You’re such a cocky git.” I swatted him on the arm playfully and got a laugh out of him. Personally, I’d always thought blue was his colour. I pictured him in my mind working in the supermarket stacking shelves or working the till, wearing that hideous green t-shirt and ugly black pants. Something told me Connor could pull that look off – lucky bastard.

“I’m going to help Dad out at the hardware shop for a bit – but it’s temporary. I’m only taking this year off and then I’ll be head back to Uni in October.”

“Good to hear,” I replied sardonically but inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief at the news. Connor wasn’t meant to spend his life working in his dad’s little shop, selling screwdrivers or hammers. He was born for greater things than that.

“Be careful the two of you don’t strangle each other before then,” I advised.

Connor chuckled and shook his head. “We won’t, but if it happens I give you permission to say I told you so.

“Don’t worry I will,” I cackled a little madly. Connor gave me a strange look before getting up to turn the telly on.

As he sat himself back down, I handed him the control that was near me and settled down comfortably while he flipped through the channels – trying to find something decent to watch. We finally agreed on some movie that was playing but I had barely gotten into the film before I started to feel sleepy. I tried to fight off the drowsy feeling but it was no use. My head felt too heavy for my shoulders so I leant back against the headrest and snuggled into the corner...

Connor nudged me awake with his elbow. “You fell asleep.”

I cautiously opened an eye, feeling tired beyond belief. “Did I?”

I slowly turned my attention to the clock on the wall, last time I’d looked it was getting close to ten o’clock and now it was a quarter to eleven. As my foggy brain slowly started to clear I realised that Connor was awfully close. There was a small hint of sandalwood, a scent that I’d always identified with Connor.

My cheeks flushed when I realised my head was resting on his shoulder. I’d been using him as a pillow. Remembering that I was only dressed in a robe, I quickly moved to the other end of the sofa. If possible my cheeks grew even redder.

This is so embarrassing.

I bent my head and coughed into my hands to cover my mortification. I couldn’t figure out how that’d happened when he’d been sat further away. I’d obviously moved without realising.

“You’re tired. Go to bed, Lee, I’ll see myself out.” As he got to his feet to leave, I wanted to protest. I didn’t want him to go, not just yet. When I opened my mouth to ask him to stay all that came out was a yawn. I sighed, I was really tired.

“Goodnight, Connor,” I whispered when I realised that it was time to call it quits.

“Goodnight, Lee,” he answered back. Connor took one last look at me before turning around and quietly stepping out of the room.

It was only when I heard the front door close that I got to my feet and dragged myself up to bed. The evening had worn me out both physically and mentally but there was this bubble of hope inside of me that hadn’t been there before tonight. I smiled softly as I snuggled into bed. It hadn’t been such a bad birthday party after all, not bad at all.

A/N:

Another update, although slightly later than intended, hope you guys enjoyed it.

So my laptop crashed last weekend and I lost everything, all my photos, my stories, videos etc. Luckily I backed up most of my word files the week before but I’ve still lost a small chunk of my writing. I’m totally gutted about it all especially my photos – I don’t have another copy. And if that wasn’t bad enough a few days later I had another huge problem and I had to go through it all again! It’s not been a good week at all :-(

There’ll be another update in about a fortnight’s time and I’m afraid that might be the last update for November – I’m participating in this year’s NaNoWriMo! I’ve got nothing planned but just a small idea. I probably won’t finish on time but it’s a challenge I’m looking forward to. My username is cocoa_nut, feel free to add me if you’re joined to the site. My chosen story is a family drama and written from a male pov. I’ve never written from a male pov and have no idea how to write a good male character without turning him into a mushy woman – it’ll be a big task! Wish me luck.

Special thanks to: Jada Writes, invidious,Gerty aka Angel,.Scarlet, Celestial archer,ninahime ,Pieces of the sunandAsianPearl101 for your lovely reviews and support.

Leila