I really hate this first chapter. It's horrible. Really horrible. Nevertheless, I think you should give it a shot (because I crave attention). Anyway, try to enjoy (and lie if you don't).

Experience had made Roman an expert at giving blowjobs. The jock above him was already groaning with pleasure. He licked up and down his rock hard dick. He imagined he was sucking candy and not a hot, twitching cock. Second period was Roman’s least favorite period of the day.

Suddenly, the jock backhanded him. He felt the rusty taste of blood in his mouth.

"No teeth, bitch."

Roman continued his expert care of licking and sucking as his hand teased his balls. The bigger boy started moaning and pulling at his hair. He came hard and fast as Roman swallowed.

"Tastes good, doesn't it, bitch?"

Roman licked his lips and held out his hand. This is when he got his reward.

"Fucking addict," the jock sneered as he pulled out the bottle from his jean pockets. He threw it on the ground before zipping his pants. It tumbled and rolled, making Roman panic. He sprang forth and grabbed it before it could get away. "Have a nice trip, bitch."

Then, he was gone.

Roman closed the stall door once he left. He popped three pills in his mouth and waited. It wasn't long before he heard the soft buzzing in his head. He smiled. The ants on the floor started dancing. The lights on the ceiling began to glimmer and sparkle. He felt so exhilarated. He loved it.

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10/7

I've been told to write a journal. Journals help sort out people's thoughts and feelings and shit. The shrink I've been seeing says that if I start writing once every day, or when something of significance happens, I'll develop an almost hypnotic state where I'll be able to write things down that my conscious mind keeps at bay. I think the guy is on crack, but I decided to do this anyway. I've always liked writing.

I'll start with my family. I have a stepmother (she’s a great woman), a twin brother, a father, a little stepbrother, and a little half-sister. Then, there's my cousin, Cassidy. She's been taking care of me since the accident. She has a life of her own - a husband, two kids, and a dog. She gives me money to rent a one-room apartment and she pays for the private school I attend. Besides that, though, she leaves me alone. She still loves me, I don't doubt that, but she has her own life and she realizes that I'm a lost cause. Then there's my other cousin, Frankie. He hates me. I don't blame him for hating me, and really, he isn't the only one. I’m positive that my whole family hates me.

It might have something to do with my breakdown. I'm a fucked up druggie. I spent some time in juvy after a particularly bad night when I had too much shit in my system and I did something that was unthinkable.

My shrink wants me to talk about that night. He wants me to reveal the nitty gritty details. I don't think I want to talk about it just yet.

10/14

I forgot about writing in my journal. I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway since nothing of significance has happened this past week.

I did visit Dr. Meyer. We talked about my drug problem. I never tell him that I still do drugs because he'd have to alert my guardian, Cassidy, and then I'd have to go through all that worthless rehab shit again. He knows I do drugs, he just doesn't say anything about it. He hasn't accused me of anything, in fact. I guess he really isn't such a bad guy.

10/15

I ran into my brother today. We go to the same school. It's a hotshot, prestigious Catholic high school in New York. I've been going there since before the accident so Cassidy wanted to keep me there. I wanted to go somewhere else. I didn't want to have to see my twin brother - the sadistic fuck. It's been his life's goal to ruin mine. It's a lot like Jacob and Esau, only that conniving bastard Jacob wants to take more than my fucking inheritance.

We were born only minutes apart. I'm the older twin (and the hotter, smarter, all around better person). We're identical. It creeps the hell out of me, really. I look at him and see myself. Only, it isn't me, but some twisted version who likes to fuck girls, impregnate them, and then threaten them until they get abortions.

Anyway, I saw him at lunch today. Usually I pack a lunch and eat outside next to the gym where Sadistic Freak #2 can't find me and force me to suck his dick. Today, I forgot my lunch at home. I was hung over this morning and my mind was focused on getting a hot cup of tea and some toast in my stomach. When lunch came around, I had to buy. I hate school lunches.

I was standing in line when I saw him just two people ahead of me. What are the chances? He looked back and caught sight of me before I could duck behind a tall basketball player. He gave me one hell of a nasty glare. He started whispering to his friends who turned around and started laughing. I couldn't eat after that.

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"Roman. Roman? Is Roman here?" the bespectacled teacher asked the class. Students started chatting as they looked left and right. Roman Basilio was not in class. This wasn't much of a surprise to them. Roman rarely came to class, and when he did, he'd fall asleep in the middle of a lecture.

Everyone also knew that he was the son of a very prominent businessman, Dante Basilio. According to rumor, Mr. Basilio was more than just a businessman; he was a mobster who made plenty of illegal business transactions. No one ever questioned the man. More than anything else, Mr. Basilio was a philanthropist who donated large sums of money to local charities. In their eyes, Mr. Basilio was a god.

His sons, on the other hand, were demons. Despite their wealthy upbringing, and the tender loving care that their stepmother bestowed, Roman and Leonardo were not ideal sons. One was a drug addict who had spent time in a juvenile detention center. The other was a manipulative rich boy who often used his father's money for sinful pleasure and entertainment.

No student crossed Leonardo Basilio and got away with it. In fact, they admired him. Despite his malicious nature, students flocked to the boy's side as if he were the sun itself, graciously granting them warmth and happiness.

It was at his request that his twin be treated harshly. In order to please their sun, the students fulfilled his request. Castil High School was Roman’s personal hell.

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10/17

I think I'm going to be fired from my warehouse job. Yesterday, I shared some of my shit with a co-worker of mine. He's a forty-something guy with back problems. It's becoming harder for him to work. His wife is in the hospital for cancer treatment so he needs the job. I gave him some pain relievers. Basically, it’s weak shit I keep in my cabinet because it doesn't have much of an effect on me anymore.

Someone caught us, a guy named Jimmy. John - the guy I gave my shit to - shrugged it off and made some lame excuse. I'm hoping Jimmy keeps his damn mouth shut.

10/20

After he pounded into me with his thick dick in that shitty restroom stall, he turned me around, grabbed me by the neck, and called me a whore.

I fucked another guy and I told him. I wanted to see his reaction, I wanted to test him. He was pissed, that's for sure. After he grabbed my neck, I told him I fuck other guys all the time. I am a fucking whore!

He punched me in the stomach so hard that I threw up. He looked at me with disgust before he slammed open the stall door and stormed out.

I fucked Jimmy. Well, technically, he fucked me. It was the only way to shut him up.

I am a whore. How many guys have I fucked in the last year? I don't even keep track. I never do it because I like it. I do it when I have something to gain. I enjoy it, sure. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get a hard on. Afterwards, though, I feel like shit. I feel disgusted with myself.

I told Dr. Meyer how I feel about sex and he didn't seem surprised. I already told him about the rape. I haven't gotten around to telling him that the guy who raped me is the same guy I suck off in the restroom second period.

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Roman struggled with the Marlboro Lights. How hard was it to get a box of smokes open, anyway?

"Hey, can I have one of those?" asked a dark haired boy who had just come around the corner.

Roman had thought that the back of the gymnasium was a secret place. He came here to get away from people, light up a cigarette, and think. He was a people person but, sometimes, he needed some time on his own. He'd explode, otherwise.

Roman had never seen this boy before. He was wearing the Castil uniform: blue tie, blue slacks, and the dark blue jacket with the school insignia. Roman didn't recognize a lot of the students who went to his school. He skipped all the time.

When he finally managed to open the pack of Marlboros, he took one out and offered it to the boy.

"You wouldn't happen to have a lighter on you, would you?" the boy asked sheepishly as the wind blew dark bangs into his eyes.

Roman lit his smoke before holding the lighter out to the nameless student.

"Thanks, man," he said as he lit up. "My name is Jacob."

Roman hated that name.

"Roman," he replied as he took a drag and held out his hand. The other boy took his hand and shook it briefly.

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"Mr. Basilio, we have evidence to suggest that Augustus Ciro was the reason behind the bad deal. Those bastards have been asking for it," Donny sneered.

Dante Basilio sat brooding behind his desk. He placed his fingertips to his temples. This always helped him think. Lately, the Ciros had been encroaching on his business deals. He didn't like it one bit.

He was brought back from his reverie when a loud pounding came from the door.

"Yes?" he questioned irritably. When the door was shut, it meant he was busy. Everyone in his family knew that. There was only one person who didn't obey that rule.

"Dad, we need to talk! It's about Roman," was the angry reply.

Dante sighed as he nodded to Donny. Donny opened the door and let Leo into his office.

"What is it?" Dante demanded.

His son looked furious. "I want you to get the school to kick that bastard out. He's a damn druggie. He shouldn't be there! You donate to that school every year so don't tell me it isn't possible."

"I don't feel like talking about that piece of shit," Dante said of his other son. "He'll drop out on his own, anyway. The kid is fucked up. Just let him be."

"He fucking shot you!" Leo shouted vehemently.

Dante leaned back in his chair. The damn kid wouldn't shut his mouth.

"Leave, Leonardo, I am busy," he replied icily.

Leo froze at his father's tone. Dante could be a very intimidating man.

Leo huffed and stomped out of the room like a spoiled child whose parents told him he couldn't buy the toy he so desperately wanted.

"Back to business, Donny."

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10/25

Someone has been slipping threatening letters into my locker. It’s not like I care. I’m not a weak little shit, I can take care of myself. I guess it hurts, in a way. I like talking to people. I can’t shut up, sometimes. Lately, everyone I’ve enjoyed talking to at school has ignored me. My brother is behind it, I’m sure of that. I’m not backing down. He can come at me with whatever he’s got. I’m not leaving.

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Jacob shared his Camels with Roman after fifth period.

The boy had been intruding on Roman’s spot for a few days now. Roman didn't mind. They didn’t talk. They’d smoke in a comfortable silence.

Roman surveyed Jacob out of the corner of his eye. The boy was his height and, most likely, his age. He was good-looking, but not amazing eye-candy. What Roman liked best about Jacob was his relaxed posture. He carried himself with a carefree ease. Roman could relate. He had a lighthearted attitude himself.

He knew, though, that seeping beneath the small cracks in his personality was something dark and fanatical.