Author's Note: This story contains mentions of femmeslash, cross-dressing, and some language. If you don't like any of those things, I suggest not reading this story.

Friend Crush

By: Sakru Honeybunch

My best friend, Benji, looked better than me in skirts, it was a fact of life I grew to except. We were currently in math class, listening to the teacher give a boring lecture on something having to due with square roots, I wasn't really paying any attention to know. I was staring at Benji's legs kicking about underneath his desk, his feet clad in ungainly pink sandals. I could barely believe, with how much of a coward he was in all else, how he could find the courage to go to school wearing pink sandals and a short navy blue skirt. I asked him once if he was ever afraid of being beaten. He had just shrugged his shoulders in response and told me that of course he was, but he couldn't hide who he was any longer.

Watching his legs, I hated the fact that they were nice and shapely; the color of the skirt complementing the fair complexion of his skin nicely. I hated the fact that he had bright red hair the color of copper, that he had brown eyes the color of chocolate melting on a warm summer day, that I couldn't help but watch as he walked like a model on the catwalk, that his voice was as soft as a pillow against your skin. What I hated most of all was that I had fallen in love with him.

It was bad, falling for your best friend. You started to feel awkward around them, wondering if you should tell them how you feel, hoping against hope that it wouldn't ruin the friendship between the two of you if they didn't feel the same way.

I wanted to come free about my feelings, but I was even more of a coward than him if I couldn't even do that much.

The sound of a slap against my desk caused me to tumble out of my thoughts and back into the real world. My teacher, Mr. Christophe, was giving me the death glare; his scraggly beard looking as if it would suddenly turn into a snake and try to eat me.

“Ms. Bennett, if you can't pay attention in my class I suggest you report to the front office,” Mr. Christophe told me in a scolding voice. I could hear my classmates laughing at me, I glared at Benji when he started laughing as well.

“I can pay attention sir, I'll try to be a better student for your grace,” I said sarcastically, not knowing when to just be a good little girl and shut my mouth.

The class continued to laugh, but this time at what I had said. Mr. Christophe's glare deepened into such a evil scowl that I thought I would soon burst into flames by the shear force of it.

“Ms. Bennett, please report yourself to the main office and take a referral with you,” Mr. Christophe said, leading me to his desk to wait for him to fill out the referral. When he handed it to me, I took hold of it and shuffled off to the office to face the damn principal.

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“Stupid principal and her...stupidness,” I muttered under my breath as I placed my tray onto the lunch table where Benji sat, scarfing down his food like he hadn't eaten for years. He looked over to me when I sat down across from him, muttering all of the profanities that I knew.

“What's wrong?” Benji asked between chewing. I glared at him, all my secret feelings of love leaving the moment that he opened his mouth.

“The stupid principal is what's wrong, she's such a damn bitch. I barely did anything, one stupid sarcastic remark and she acts like it was the worst act the universe had ever seen,” I told him, reaching for one of the fries on my tray and eating it.

“I hear you on the bitch part, once she berated me for just snogging my girlfriend and gave me three weeks of detention,” a thick British accent said. I looked over to see my friend Nancy taking a seat next to me, a brown paper bag clutched in her hands. Today she was dressed in a creme colored shirt with a lime green vest over it, a pair of brown slacks, and her finger nails happened to be painted bubblegum pink. She dressed like a preppy, but acted nothing like the stereotype.

She had moved to California from England with her parents, a pair of classic punks, when we were in sixth grade. Benji and Nancy had met each other first, Benji was the one who introduced the two of us to each other. We've all been the best of friends ever since.

“Pfft, just snogging my pasty white ass. You two were practically dry humping each other in the library when Mr. McDonald caught you,” Benji retorted. Nancy stuck her tongue out at him in response before taking a bite of the sandwich that her mom had packed her.

“Speaking of your girlfriend, where is Catharine today?” I asked Nancy. She sighed then, putting the sandwich back down before it had a chance to reach her mouth.

“She's still at home sick,” Nancy answered. Her girlfriend, Catharine, had been out sick since last week. She was usually at school every day, so it was always surprising to not see her there.

“Still? Man that's got to suck,” Benji said before taking a big slurp of his soda. Nancy gave a nod in response.

The rest of lunch was an awkward affair, everyone at the table was silent besides the audible noise of one of us eating. Luckily lunch didn't last much longer after that, the bell giving its shrill ring, calling us to report back to hell. We threw away our trash in the garbage can next to our table and waved goodbye as we all went our separate ways to fourth period.

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Sixth period, language arts for me, was finally over. The school bell rang, setting all us kids free. I quickly shoved all my stuff into my book bag and ran out of the room as fast as I was allowed to. I met up with my friends in the hallway and walked as far as the schools main parking lot before Benji departed from our little group, having to take the school bus home. I used to have to take the bus home as well, until my mom managed to find a cheaper place closer to the school. The school bus is more hellish than the school itself, kids talking as loudly as they could and turning their mp3's up to the tenth degree. Sometimes paper would be thrown and hit you right in the back of your head as you were reading; I'm so glad I didn't have to be forced to go through that anymore.

The walk to Nancy's house was mostly done in silence before Nancy brought up the worst subject she could've around me.

“Have you told Benji about your little crush yet?” Right when those words came out of my friends mouth I stopped walking and turned to stare at her.

“What're you talking about?” I said, half asking and half screaming. Nancy then had the audacity to start giggling at me.

“You know what I'm talking about, everyone in the whole world knows about it. Your crush is so obvious that I'm surprised that Benji hasn't caught on to it yet,” Nancy said, continuing to walk ahead of me, forcing me to rush after her.

“No I haven't,” I said when I caught up with her, “and I probably never will.”

“Why not?” Nancy asked exactly what I feared she would. I stopped walking again and turned away from her.

“Not telling,” I said stubbornly.

“Please, there has to be some kind of good reason. I can't really see there being one though,” Nancy said, I could tell she was pouting right now by the sound of her voice.

I knew there was no getting out of this, so I just let myself tell her about it. I hated hiding it and if I couldn't tell Benji, then I at least could tell Nancy about it.

“I'm afraid he won't want to be my friend anymore. Don't you get it Nancy, I'm afraid that he won't feel the same way about me, that he will start to feel awkward around me. What if he decides that he can't be around me anymore? I can't loose the best friend I've ever known over some stupid crush!” I shouted, hoping that nobody else had heard me.

Thick silence was heard between us, the only sounds were birds chirping carelessly into the air. Nancy finally spoke up, I could feel her hand touching my shoulder gently.

“Oh Sam, you shouldn't let that risk get between you telling him. I'm pretty sure Benji wouldn't stop being your friend just because of that, and even if he did I would just yell at him for a good while until he comes back to his senses,” Nancy said reassuringly.

I turned back to look at Nancy, who was giving me this big cheesy smile. I couldn't help myself from laughing, wiping at the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes.

“Thanks for trying Nancy, but its no use, I'm too scared of what might happen to tell him.”

“Look, you can't do this to yourself. I know its hard, believe me it took me almost as long to tell Catharine about how I feel for her. Whatever the outcome, loosing him is better than not knowing if you could have been with him,” Nancy said. I stared at her after that, what she said sinking in.

Before I could give a reply, Nancy announced that we had arrived at her house. I looked over to see her house, not realizing how far we had walked by that point. She then waved goodbye at me and ran into the house. When she was gone I continued my lonely trek back to my own house, thinking.

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It was now Saturday afternoon, four days since me and Nancy had that talk. I was lying in bed, watching the bumps in the ceiling change as I continued my staring of three hours. I was still scared about telling him, I had told Nancy I would tell him soon, but that time hadn't come up in the past few days. Being in my room gave me time to think, I barely had time alone since my two boy cousins showed up though. They would always interrupt my thoughts whenever they went back to Benji. I hated them more than anything else in the world, but my uncle had to go to a board meeting at his work earlier than he expected and couldn't get a babysitter in time; I still wonder how the poor guy handled his hellish kids running around all the time.

Luckily for me, they decided to go visiting a friend who was having a birthday party today. I had been laying in bed ever since they left, thinking about all the things that could result from me telling Benji about my feelings.

When I thought about him being overjoyed, telling me that he also felt the same way and kissing me, I decided that I had to at least try. Rolling off of bed, I quickly changed into a black sweatshirt, a pair of loose-fitting blue jeans, and slipped on my favorite pair of combat boots before slipping off too his house.

On the way out I shouted to my mom, who was in the kitchen cleaning up, that I was going to hang out with Benji for awhile. I heard her telling me to have fun and be safe as I dashed out, taking my bike in hand and riding off to see Benji.

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I parked my bike on the front yard and walked up to the door. I gave a gentle rap to the door with my fist, anxiety taking over my full being. Benji's mom soon answered the door, a scowl stuck on her face as usual. That woman never looked pleasant, her face was always etched up into a scowl; you couldn't tell if she was ever happy by just looking at her face.

“Hello Mrs. Horace, is Benjamin home today?” I asked in the sweetest voice I could manage. Mrs. Horace continued to scowl as she called Benji down stairs.

“Benjamin, your little girlfriend is here to see you!” I blushed crimson when she mentioned me as being Benji's girlfriend.

“Coming Ma!” Benjamin called from up stairs. I saw him then, dressed in a lavender dress and thigh-high navy blue boots. On many men, a lavender dress would look ungodly, but Benji made it work. My blush probably deepened by three different colors, though I couldn't actually tell you if that was the case.

Mrs. Horace looked her son up and down and sighed, walking over to the living room and leaving the two of us to stare at each other. Mrs. Horace always sighed when she saw her son wearing something feminine; she didn't care about him wearing dresses and skirts, but she was always worried that he would get beaten up one day for wearing them. Benji's dad was pretty much the same way, though he would sometimes pester him into getting a girlfriend. I don't know if he was homophobic or not, I never dared ask him anything of the sort; I just think he might have disapproved of his son being gay.

I remember one day when I was over at his house, Benji's dad asked him if he finally found a nice girl and Benji replied that no he hadn't, but that didn't mean he was gay or anything. I like girls dad, me being a cross-dresser has nothing whatsoever to do with my sexuality. I really wanted to clap for him then, but his dad just shook his head and continued with watching sports.

“So, what's up?” Benji asked. I didn't reply for a long while, trying to force my mouth to start moving so I could talk.

“Want to go to the park with me?” I asked hurriedly. Benji started laughing as soon as I poised the question.

“Sure, you don't have to take so long to ask something so simple,” Benji said as soon as his laughter had died down. I looked away from him then, still blushing.

“I know, but I have something to tell you,” I admitted. I looked back to see Benji giving me the weird stare, then simply shrugging it off.

“Okay, why can't you tell me now?” He asked, I hated him then.

“Because I want to hang out with you for awhile, is that such a crime?” I said, causing Benji to shut up and follow me as I headed out to the park.

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When we got to the park, the first thing I did was challenge him to a race towards the swings. He said that it was on and we started running as fast as we could, me managing to beat him by an inch. We then started to swing, kicking our legs up as far as they would go. I started to laugh when he started making faces in my general direction, the wind pulling my hair whichever way it wanted too.

I then jumped off and waited for him too do the same. I immediately dashed to the slide and slid down the length of metal. Benji stared at me while I tried to convince him to go next. He soon did, but when he got to the bottom he started complaining about how the metal had hurt his ass. I couldn't help but laugh at him, ignoring the scowl on his face.

Looking around for something else to do, I pointed to the monkey bars and went after them. I jumped up and caught one of the bars, sticking my tongue at Benji. My fingers soon slipped and I let go of the bar that was holding me up. I thought I would fall, but Benji was right there to catch me. I blinked and looked up to see Benji smiling down at me, shaking his head. I blushed and wailed at him to let me go. He stared at me oddly before he gently put me on the ground, feet first.

We then started to walk along the bike trail, only a few people were out in the park today; none of them riding their bikes.

“Sam,” Benji said. I looked over at him, staring at me determinedly. I sighed then and headed off to a bench that sat a few steps away from us, placed in front of a murky pond of water.

When we sat down I stared at the ducks swimming around, smiling. I was trying to delay the inevitable and Benji knew it as much as I did.

“We need to talk now Sam, your just delaying it. I want to know what's up, why you dragged me to a place we haven't hung out at for at least four years.” I turned to face Benji, who was staring at me with a determined look on his face.

“I know, but it's hard. I really don't know how you're going to react to the news and I'm afraid of it,” I told him truthfully.

“What're you afraid of telling me, you know I'm your best friend,” Benji said coaxingly, turning away to start fiddling with his thumbs. Looking at him staring down at the pond dejectedly, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore.

“I know, but I want to be something other than that. I want to be your girlfriend Benjamin Horace, I love you. I've always loved you I think, but I don't know if you love me in the same way. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you didn't, but I can't help what I feel for you.” I started crying then, not able to hold the tears back anymore.

When Benji didn't replay, I pushed down a sob and stood up abruptly, utterly heartbroken at the lack of response.

“I'm sorry, but I have to go.” I was about to run off just then, but Benji grabbing my hand stopped me. I turned around to see him smiling up at me.

“Oh Sam, is that what your afraid of? Do you think I wouldn't want to be your friend if I didn't love you back?” Benji asked me. I was about to replay with an affirmative when what he had just said finally sunk in.

“What do you mean by if?” I asked him. In a heartbeat, Benji was standing up and kissing me. My eyes grew wide in shock, not knowing how to react. He then pulled away from me, his smile still present on his face.

“It means that I do love you, I've loved you for a long time; I was just being a pussy and not telling you.”

At that moment I broke down in laughter, Benji just staring at me like he was starting to regret what he had said.

“Can you believe how cowardly we are? After all this time of being afraid of what might happen, we end up finding out that we both feel the same way,” I said between bursts of laughter. Benji then started laughing too, causing people to stop and stare at the both of us like we were nuts.

Our laughter soon subsided and we shared a single stare, not knowing exactly what we could say after that outburst of manic laughter.

“So, does this mean we're dating now?” Benji asked, breaking the awkward silence between us.

“If you want it too,” I answered back. I then leaned in to kiss him, letting myself enjoy the taste of the strawberry poptarts he must have had for lunch.

He was then pulling me into an embrace, kissing me back with the greatest of delight. Nothing could destroy this great mood I found myself in, not even the old couple yelling at us to get a room. Benji was my boyfriend now and even though it may not last forever, at least I will still have my best friend by my side.