'Almost'

From the bottom of this bottle,

Staring up into all the things that I missed

I wonder to myself

'How the hell did it come to this?'

Of all the downfalls, mistakes, dilemmas I planned..

I can tell you whole heartedly,

You've caught me off guard.

Actually,

You've fucking obliterated my guard,

Ruined any defenses I had left,

Took me to places I'd never even dare dream of

And then left me there

Alone

To find my way back here,

To an infinitely worse reality.

Each tiem I poison myself a bit more,

I feel the tiniest bit of victory against you;

Begin to rationalize your reactions,

Try to pre-conceive these aborted confessions

Try to care

That you care.

But,

Caring is overrated

And understood

Only as a bridge to self-preservation,

A bridge that I burned for you

A long time ago;

Holding onto something stolen,

Beautiful.

And so far above me it's almost comic.

Looking at those eyes,

I almost understand guilt

I almost saw happiness,

I saw something perfect

And then it blinked away.

So now I'm laying here

At the bottom of everything

Trying to blink myself away

Just for you.