Chapter Three

Julia gave me a strange look when I got home that evening.

“You’re an hour late. And you’re a funny colour.” She told me.

I sighed and dumped my gym stuff at the door. “Sorry. I got caught up in traffic.”

Why didn’t I tell her? I mean, it’s weird. I tell Jules everything, and yet my steamy romp with a hot piece of man candy in the gym stayed firmly under wraps. Maybe it’s cuz I didn’t want to hear what she’d say about it. Or maybe I just wanted to keep it to myself. Keep my moment(s) with Alex to myself. I think that it was probably that I didn’t want her analysing it and maybe bringing up feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, flopping onto the sofa next to her.

She shrugged. “Okay.”

She was lying. Her face was getting gaunter by the day and I regularly heard her throwing up after the rare times she actually ate.

“The hospital called. They want me to come in tomorrow for the results of the biopsy.” She looked at me with sunken eyes. “It’s positive. I know it is, Helena.”

I grabbed her hand. “You don’t know that. And even if it is...” I didn’t want to think about it. I really didn’t want to contemplate how I’d feel if it was positive. “Even if it is, chances are a lot better now than they used to be. We’ll get through it like we always have.”

Jules smiled at me. “Never thought you the optimist, Hel.” She squeezed my hand back. “Maybe it’ll just be... something else.” She sighed, turning back to the TV.

It wasn’t anything else. It was cancer. Pancreatic cancer. It’s the cancer with one of the lowest survival rates. The doctors didn’t tell us that though. I looked it up later on the internet. Because that was my job. To know the survival rates and record the treatment. To smile when she got down. To keep my tears silent as I cried into my pillow at night.

Alex was my only escape from the pain that I felt for Julia. We still boxed and we had sex, occasionally. But not that much. I found it hard to stay together most of the time, but it was comforting to know that he was separate from the rest of my life; untouched by the poisonous hold that cancer has on its victims and their families.

It’s funny because I started to believe in that whole ‘twin connection’ bullshit. I threw up on a daily basis and hardly ate as Julia started chemotherapy. I was tired all the time and I was loosing weight.

Alex ran his callused fingers over my visible ribs as my lay together on a gym mat. “You’re starting to look like one of those starving kids on Oxfam adverts.”

I laughed at him. “Oh please. You’re being a bit dramatic. I’ve just lost a little weight, that’s all.” I shrugged. “It’s just stress.”

“Okay then.” Alex said, sounding unconvinced. “You go on pretending you’re fine and I’ll keep pretending that I believe you.”

I had to pretend that I was fine. I had to be, for Julia’s sake. I couldn’t show weakness when I was her only source of strength. And in return, my small sojourns with Alex kept me sane and functioning. Which was especially important now, as Julia began to lose her beautiful hair. She swore to me that it didn’t bother her and at least she wouldn’t have to deal with it now. But I could see the sadness in her eyes as we threw it into the compost bin. She wore brightly coloured wigs and funky little hats, covering her patchy hair.

One night, about a month after Julia’s diagnosis, I got home late from work, grumpy and covered in dust. I’m a computer technician at the local university and of course, the server had to crash just as I was about to leave.

As I entered the house, I heard Julia laughing, a sound I hadn’t heard in so long. She was sat on the sofa, looking towards the kitchen door as I walked in to the living room. As I saw who she was talking to, my heart and stomach seemed to drop into my knees.

“Oh, hey Helena. This is my friend from Uni, Alex.”

You tell me; how the fuck would you handle that? What was I supposed to say? ‘Oh yeah, I know. This is the guy I’ve been casually screwing for a month and a half?’ No, of course not. What I actually said was, “Right. Nice to meet you Alex.” As cool and calm as possible, which you may have already figured out, is not very calm.

He just looked at me, managing the nonchalant look much better than me. “Likewise.”

I smiled tightly, feeling bile creep up my oesophagus. “If you’ll excuse me.” I turned tail, running to the toilet, proceeding to throw my fucking guts up. I hugged the toilet, feeling even worse as I heard Julia saying goodbye to him at the door.

Her small, cold hands rubbed circles on my back as I heaved into the bowl.

“Aren’t I meant to be doing this with you?” I asked hoarsely.

Julia merely shrugged and pulled my hair back as I retched again.

“How much have you eaten today?” She asked me.

“Breakfast and lunch. I haven’t thrown up at all today... until now.” I sighed, resting my forehead against the toilet seat. I stood and wiped my mouth and face with toilet paper. “I’m fine now.”

Julia didn’t look convinced. She just looked at me without blinking. “What did you think of Alex?”

Oh fuck. “I dunno. I only met him for a second.”

“Right.”

I didn’t see Alex for over a week. Most would say I was avoiding him, but they obviously don’t realise that I was just... busy. Really busy. And too sick to go to the gym. So see, I had a legitimate reason not to go to the gym. It wasn’t Alex.

Anyway, in this week, Julia worsened and went into hospital. She was getting thinner by the day, but still smiled at all the doctors and nurses. Her oncologist told me that she’d be lucky if she had three months left. Her cancer was inoperable and the treatment had no effect on her tumour.

I tried to remain strong for Julia’s sake, but it was getting harder to put on a brave face. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before going into Julia’s room.

“Don’t look like that, Helena. I know what the doctor said.” She told me in a way that made me proud of her.

I sat in the chair next to her bed. “What do you want me to look like then, Julia?”

“Like your sister is dying.”

I shook my head and placed it into my hands. “No, I won’t. I don’t want to believe it until I have to.”

Her thin hand rested on my head. “Hel, you have to.” I held her hand in mine, pressing it to my cheek. “Plus, you have more important things to think about me.” She added.

“What in all hell could be more important?” I asked angrily, blinking away evil tears.

“You’re pregnant.”