Harder Than You Know

A/N I'm back, and with the sequel of Cut The Curtains (if you haven't read that, then you won't get what's going on this story, so I suggest you go and read it). Anyone else excited?!

...

Just me, eh? Anyways, this is in Sam's POV, but there will be my famous Kate/Trevor pairing. Oh, and Alex/Travis, of course. Can't forget her.

Anyways, on with the show!

I sighed, pushing my laptop away from me. I didn't want to write anymore.

Correction, I couldn't write anymore. There was just no frickin' way I could write another word without my fingers turning to lead, or, in the worst case scenario, without them falling off.

“This blows,” I mumbled with a yawn, glancing at the clock. God, how did it get to three so quickly?

To be totally honest, all I really wanted to do was go straight to bed and then wake up and sleep some more. Unfortunately, Nate wasn't home yet and I didn't want him falling asleep on the deck because he forgot his key and was too drunk to knock.

Okay, so I'd done this once for my own amusement.

I sighed again, pulling my zipper closer around me.

Before the summer had started, Nate had started to look for a place because he didn't want to stay with Deanna and Ethan anymore. It had probably been too hard to look at the place where he and Perry had shared.

Only a few days after he'd started to look for a place, I'd decided to let him stay here. I mean, I had an extra room and having a roommate would cut my expenses in half, right?

Yes, that was true, but there was also the small problem of him coming home drunk every other night or him locking himself in his room. Like I didn't notice the kitchen knife missing from the drawer. And if that wasn't enough, the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him were immediately flushed down the toilet after the first week. I could tell from the look on his face he didn't want to be happy.

Here's another perky aspect of living with him; I'm in love with him. Oh, yeah, isn't that just great? I'm in love with my best friend's dead brother's boyfriend who I just happen to live with. Life's a beauty, eh?
“Come on, Nate. You've never been this late before,” I muttered to myself, feeling anxiety rising inside of me. And that's because he was rarely out this late. He was usually home around one-thirty or two, but on the occasions that he was out later, I was forced to think of all the possibilities. Worst case: he's dead and I'm going to get a call any minute from the police. Best case: he was with the band.

Since Lee had died and Jack had quit, unable to come to terms with herself, Travis and Tyler, a friend of Nate's, had replaced the two. They usually played rock-paper-scissors to decided who would make sure that Nate got home to me safely. Okay, so he came home in the same condition as he did when he left, just a little more drunk.

...

Okay, so a lot more drunk, but when he did come home, it was usually smelling of another girl's cheap perfume or another guy's body wash and I always made him go to bed straight away instead of taking a shower. He'd probably drown in there 'cause he was so drunk.

It was liked the nights were getting longer for me, every moment he was away from a safe place. I was always worrying over him, afraid that he might be hurt somewhere and no one was around to help him.

He made me hate myself for loving him. He made me despise myself for wanting to hold him in my arms and keep him safe from the world. He was so far into depression, I was always scared that I might find him dead one day, unable to cope with what had happened. He made me hurt so badly, made me feel ridiculous for wanting him.

And that was what made me hate him. He hurt me, and he didn't even know it.

Apparently, everyone else knew how I felt. Of course, Trevor was the one to tell Kate (she really is dense) but that didn't make it any better. If Nate ever found out, I'm not sure if I'd be able to look him in the eyes anymore.

Alex was forever telling me that I was being silly and that I should just tell Nate how I felt. Pfft. As if. Alex, being Alex, had moved away to Toronto with Travis to start working on her album. She was going to put out an EP, than the album. Travis, on the other hand, was now splitting his time between Bracebridge and Toronto, opting to go with Alex rather than stay here. Typical Travis for you.

Kate, unlike her sister, still had school to finish up with. Sadly, the first week of school (which is next week, for your information) and from February to March she wasn't going to be at school. Instead she would be out promoting her album, Closet Kissing. Trevor – along with Travis, Tyler and Nate (I know, why not just call them Three T's And An N?) - had began recording their debut album, which was yet to be named.

Yeah, how is it every single person I know (including Jack) had a great musical ability but I was stuck singing like crap? Oh, I know how.

It's called genes and these don't cover your legs.

...

Laugh at my pitiful blunder, God dammit!

Turning myself around, I glanced at the clock. Three nineteen.

God, where the hell was -

Before I could finish my thought, I heard the familiar rev of Trevor's car engine pull into the driveway of my apartment building. I felt the tension in my body ease as relief washed through me.

Nate was home.

Pushing up from my spot on the couch, I made my way to the front door, aware that Trevor was helping a semi-conscious Nate out of his car.

Trevor didn't need to knock on the door because I was already out on the porch, ready to take Nate into the house.

“Sorry about the lateness, Sam,” Trevor apologized, struggling to hold Nate up as he slumped against him. I smiled softly at him and nodded my head, pushing the door open wider as he half carried half dragged Nate through the hall towards his bedroom. Trevor dropped him onto the bed and turned to me.

“I'm sorry for keeping you up so late, Sam. I should've called.”

“No...no, it's okay,” I murmured, wrapping my arms around myself as I felt Trevor penetrating eyes look down at me in a totally literal way.

“No, it's not okay. I should have told you and I should have told him you'd be worried and I should have stopped him from getting in the damned car and making me chase him through town and I should have -” I cut him off before he could ramble on any farther.

“You're just missing Kate, Trev. You don't have to do anything.” I bit my lip as I peered up at him through my bangs. “Now go call Kate before she thinks you've died and are in the arms of Marilyn Monroe.”

“I tell her one secret and suddenly it's the end of the world...” he grumbled under his breath, wrinkling his nose. I smiled softly before wrapping my arms around his middle, hugging him tightly.

“Now, go tell Kate that you love her,” I whispered, pulling back before he could respond. Trevor looked at me with a confused expression before lifting his hand up to my cheek.

“You're some kind of girl, Sam. Nate doesn't deserve you.” And with that, he turned around and headed out the door.

Minutes after I head the rev of his engine, I was still standing in the middle of the hall.

“He doesn't want me,” I whispered, blinking back tears. I sucked in a breath of air and quietly entered Nate's room. Sitting on the edge of Nate's king sized bed, I looked down at him.

God, he was beautiful. And not in that commercial way, either. He was so different. It was in his strange blonde hair, his expressive green-gold eyes, the way he held his body up.

I brought my hand up to his hair and hesitated, unsure of my actions. Gingerly, I pushed the locks of off-white hair away from his face, letting my fingertips trail against his skin.

Nate inhaled sharply. I froze.

“Perry...” he whispered in his sleep, a touch of longing in his voice. I bit back the tears that threatened to fall.

Moments later, before I would finally let myself fall asleep in my own bed, I leaned over Nate.

“Loving you is harder than you know,” I whispered softly, pressing my lips to his stubbled cheek.

But he'd never know that.

A/N Yes, I do realize it's kind of short. Just think of it as a prologue; short but (bitter) sweet.

Anyways, if anyone really cares, I got my first job today. Well, I went in for the interview and they basically said you're hired. So, if you're ever in Bracebridge over the summer holidays, come to Santa's Village and go to the burger bar. I'll be the freaky girl with a band-aid over her eyebrow piercing.

Also (although none of you really care...), I got my new glasses yesterday. Actually, they're my only glasses. So, now I can see things better and may (or may not) spell things properly. *cough*Athy*cough*

Luv's a bitter-sweet-kisses,

Jilli.