The hotel alarm clock goes off with an annoying ringing sound. Ronan jerks out of his slumber, banging his head against my shoulder. “Ouch.”

I reach over to turn off the alarm, rubbing the injured spot on Ronan’s forehead with my free hand. “You alright?”

He sighs against me, slinging an arm across my chest and burying his face in my neck. “Ten already?”

I trace lazy circles on his back. “According to the alarm clock you set.”

“I must have set it wrong.”

“Mm, no, I think it’s time to get up.”

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles. Or at least that’s what it sounds like.

“Yes, you do.” I pull back the covers from Ronan’s naked form.

“No, no, no,” he tries to grab back at the sheets but…misses, grabbing something else.

“Shit, careful with that!”

He yelps, letting go. “Sorry!” He pulls the covers up back over his head.

I can feel the blush on his cheeks, the heat against my chest. Grabbing his hand, I move it back down. “It’s alright, you can play. Just be more careful.”

Ronan whines, burying his face further.

“Since when are you shy?”

He raises one fist, bringing it down on my stomach.

“Oomph!” Growling, I rip the covers back off him and flip Ronan over. I climb on top of him, grabbing both of his struggling hands and pinning them over his head. “Not…ugh…nice!” I fight to keep him down. “Will you stop?”

“No!”

He raises his knee quickly and before I have a chance to protect myself, I fall off him, groaning and holding onto my crotch as searing pain wrenches through my entire lower body. I’m gonna puke. “Aaah! Skank!”

Ronan gasps, quickly sitting me up and cradling me in his arms. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!”

“Well you’re doing a pretty damn good job of hitting the same spot!” It feels like someone just took a sledgehammer to my stomach. My head starts to pound and bile rises in my throat.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Fuck! You better hope I can still have your goddamn children!”

Ronan pulls me closer, pressing frantic kisses to my face. “Are you okay?”

I draw a few deep breaths. “Amazing, I love waking up to being kneed in the balls!”

“I’m sorry, okay? Do you want me kiss it better?”

I shove Roni away, my head spinning. “No way. You’ll probably bite it off or something.”

Ronan scoffs, “You’re being such a baby.”

Grumbling, I get out of bed, nearly falling. “Well…” Biting my tongue, I try not to say something stupid. “We’re not starting today off well.” The pain starts to subside a little.

He shakes his head.

“C’mere.” I open my arms, crossing them around Ronan’s back as he hesitantly crawls into them. “Sorry I yelled at you.”

He nods, hugging me tighter.

“You wanna try out that Jacuzzi?”

“M’kay,” he wraps his legs around my waist as I pick him up off the mattress. “I think I still have you inside me,” he whispers.

I feel confusion line my face until the words hit home. “Ew!”

“You’re the one who came inside!”

“Yeah, but you refused to use a condom!”

Ronan laughs, resting his head on my shoulder. “You’re cute when you’re disgusted.”

“Meh…” I shift his weight to one arm as I walk towards the bathroom. “That’s so gross. We’re using a condom tonight.”

He hugs me tighter as I kick open the door to the bathroom. “What makes you think you’re getting any?”

I lean down awkwardly over the well-sized bath tub, twisting on the water faucet. “Oh please, like you can resist.”

“Don’t push your luck,” he uncrosses his legs, reaching for the ground.

I drop him to the floor and ruffle his hair, actually managing to make it nicer after he slept with all that gel in. “Well, after we wash me out of you, you’ll be begging to have me back in.”

“Niko!”

“You’re right. That was gross, sorry.”

---

“Where are you going?” I run to catch up with Ronan as he hurries off towards the hotel lobby. “I thought we were going to the parking lot!”

“We are! But we need to get directions to the tour because I don’t want to end up lost in the middle of Arizona,” he calls back over his shoulder.

I finally catch up to him, my long legs working double time against his short ones. I pick him up around the waist, stopping him mid-stride. “Aha, gotcha.”

“Noo! Let me down!”

“Nah, I don’t think I will.” I sling Ronan over my shoulder, walking instead to the parking structure.

“You son of a bitch! You let me down now!” he whines more so than demands. “I need directions! You’re going to get me lost in the middle of the desert and it’s…hot outside!”

“I have a map.”

“And a very bad sense of direction! Now let me down you fucker. Or…or…”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll shove my foot up your ass, that’s what.”

I chuckle, unclipping the carabiner from my belt loop and finding the car key. “You can’t reach.”

“No sex!”

Ronan’s feet hit the ground with a thud.

“Good boy,” he says, patting me gently on the arm.

“You shouldn’t joke like that,” I pout. “It’s not good for my self-esteem.”

“Well neither is sweating like a cat in heat.”

I cover a laugh with a horribly fake cough.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Ronan pokes me in the side. “No, what?”

“I think the expression is ‘sweating like a pig’.”

Ronan cocks his head to the side. “Are you calling me fat?”

Another fake cough. “No, but cats don’t sweat, so…”

“Your cat sweats.”

Once again, I open my mouth to retort but close it just as quickly. He has a point. Caspar’s paws sweat when he’s scared. “Let’s go get directions.”

“Good boy,” he repeats. Taking my hand, he drags me back towards the hotel lobby.

I don’t need some stupid directions. I’m more than capable of finding this place myself. I scored higher than Lindsay Lohan on that online IQ test.

“Pick your feet up, Nikolai.”

“I don’t need instructions on how to get there! I’m more than capable…”

“Better safe than sorry. Stop acting like such a guy.”

“Someone’s got to since you don’t,” I say under my breath.

Ronan glances at me. “I heard that.”

I let him drag me the rest of the way without resistance. Might as well humor him. He lets go of my hand once we’re inside the lobby. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” He walks towards a cheery looking middle-aged woman at the information counter.

Obeying orders, I stand in the same spot, looking around the lobby that seems to get more magnificent every time I step foot in it. So this is what it’s like to be rich. Or, you know, go to heaven.

“Nikolai, psst…”

I look down from the painted ceiling to a small cocktail table where none other than Levi is sitting, apparently having breakfast. I inwardly cringe. He beckons me over, and after glancing at Ronan who seems immersed in writing down every word the woman says, I walk across the hall to where he is sitting.

“What do you want?”

He shrugs, taking a bite of his fake Belgian waffle he’s drowned in syrup.

I hope this isn’t some kind of ironic message – “Belgian boy, killed by syrup bottle.”

“How about an apology?”

He didn’t just say what I think he did. “If you’re kidding, I can’t take any more April Fools jokes.”

“Who says I’m joking? I think you owe me one.”

One of my knuckles pops as I clench my hands. “Oh, yeah? For what?”

“How about for walking away after I gave you a free thirty dollar beer?”

I bite at the inside of my cheek. Somebody better stop this boy before his pretty face gets busted up. “Make you a deal, asshole. You’ll get your apology when I get a new tube of toothpaste. I used it all last night trying to scrub your germs out of my mouth.”

“Ooh, wit. Tell me, do you kiss your boyfriend with that mouth? I bet he likes how dirty you are.”

Keep your cool, Niko. He’s not worth going to jail over. “Watch it. Don’t talk about Roni that way.”

“Aw, what’s the matter? He got you on a leash?”

Another finger cracks and I think the inside of my cheek may just be bleeding.

“What’s that on your back? Oh, no, sorry, that’s just a whip mark.” He smirks, cutting off another piece of his drenched waffle.

He knows he’s getting under your skin. Just walk away.

“Just between you and me, I bet he has a tiny dick. Am I right?”

Before the idea even registers, I’m yanking Levi up by his collar – his feet just barely touching the ground. “I’ll fucking kill you.” My fist stops mere centimeters from his nose. Shit, don’t break him! Don’t need a lawsuit.

He still has that satisfied smirk on his face – the type of smirk I would love to just take a razor to and slice right off. “What’s the matter? Come on, hit me.”

I lower my hand but still maintain my grip on his collar. “Sorry, I have a rule about not hitting girls.”

“Good, then there won’t be any domestic abuse in your relationship.”

“Fuck you, I’ll break the rules just once.” Before I can hear the bones crack under my fist, Levi has a hold of both of my wrists, pressing a powerful kiss to my lips. I freeze in shock, time stopping completely. What the fuck is he doing?

“Nikolai Willem Zasha Maykov!”

Startled, I release my hold on Levi’s collar and he quickly scampers away. I turn around to the hurt look on my boyfriend’s face. He almost looks like he might cry.

“How could you?”

That bastard! I can’t even imagine how that scene must have looked to Ronan. My mind struggles for some sort of explanation. “Um…April Fools?”

He does cry then, a few tears slipping from beneath his eyelashes.

“No, Roni. Let me explain.”

He shakes his head, looking at me like I just betrayed him. “I don’t wanna hear it.” He turns on his heel, walking briskly outside, dropping the crumpled directions on the ground.

I think I just hit epic fuck my life status. Glancing in the direction Levi went, I spot him watching me from downstairs by the entrance to the pool. Rage flows through me as he waves and blows a kiss before disappearing through the lobby door.

Clenching my teeth, I run out the front to find Ronan. I don’t even know how to explain this one away. All I see in front of the hotel is a water fountain and a nice looking family checking in with a bellboy. A young girl with blonde, curly hair points to me and I hear her ask her dad why I have a ring through my eyebrow.

“Because he hates God, honey.”

Sighing, I make my way past the Jesus freaks. Ronan must have took off back to the room. After all, I have the car keys and there’s not exactly many places to go here. Sprinting, I come to our room and pull the room key from my pocket, completely out of breath. I frantically slip it into the lock only to have the light flash red. “Damn you!” I try again with the same result. “You piece of shit!” Finally, the light turns green and I push the door open. “Ronan!” No answer.

I flip on the lights and look around the room – and the bathroom – and the balcony. He’s not here. I check the closet as well just in case. Where would he go? I mentally check off the places in my head. Fancy French restaurant, no. Golf course, definitely not. Pool, perhaps. Spa, most likely. Instead of heading down to check one of the locations, I pull my phone from my pocket and send him a text. “Where R U?”

I walk into the bathroom, pressing my fingers hard into my eyes trying to relieve some tension building behind them. That asshole, I’ll rip his throat out. I can’t believe he did this shit to me, twice! I grab my mouthwash from the counter and pour a cupful. I swirl it around in my mouth until I start feeling light headed, the disinfectant not helping me feel any cleaner. I wet a rag and run it across my lips a few times to try and get the feel off.

“Pool. But I dont want 2 talk 2 U.”

Yeah, sure. You wouldn’t tell me where you were if you didn’t want me to come find you. “Stay.”

I can nearly hear Ronan sigh from down by the pool. Grabbing my room key and cell phone, I jam both in my pockets and run out the door. Levi is at the pool…Ronan is also at the pool. This does not add up to a positive equation.

“God, if you can hear me, please smite the fag now before he can get anywhere near Ronan.” I nearly trip as one of my shoelaces randomly decides to untie itself. “Oh, you’re funny, God! Real funny!” I bend down to tie my shoelace, the heavens laughing in my face. “Karma! You better watch your back Mr. Holy Ghost!” Double checking my other shoe, I run the rest of the way to the pool. I yank open the gate and look around the courtyard.

No way we’re going to make the tour on time now.

Walking around the bar and successfully stopping myself from waving back at a hot redhead in a bikini, I spot my Asian sitting at the side of the hot tub, his bare feet dangling into the water. He’s alone…until Levi walks over to him with what looks like a Piña Colada and sits down next to Ronan, draping his arm around Ronan’s shoulder.

Ronan takes the drink with one hand, wiping his nose with the other. He mumbles a, “Thanks.”

He looks up at me as I walk over, his eyes brimming with tears.

“Hey, Nikolai,” Levi says. He seems to be glaring but his expression is deceived by the mischievous glint in his eye. “I’m not sure Ronan wants to talk to you right now.”

“Take your hands off him,” I growl threateningly, “before I remove them from your wrists.”

Levi raises both hands in the air.

“Don’t bother,” Ronan says, taking a sip of his drink. “Levi already told me everything.”

I raise an eyebrow in disbelief. “Everything?” Then why do you still look like you want to castrate me? “What exactly did he tell you?”

Levi interrupts Ronan as he begins to speak. “Exactly what you did, Niko.”

I glance at Ronan and then back at Levi. “The only thing I did was nearly knock your teeth out for fucking with my relationship.”

He sneers. “Sure, and the fact that you told me you were single, hit on me and kissed me twice falls under that, does it?”

“You-” this time my fist connects with his jaw, his head snapping backwards, “-bastard!” I yank him up again by the collar and bash my head against his skull as hard as I can. Blood spurts from his nose. I rub my head which now feels bruised and yell, “Quit fucking up my life!”

“Niko! Stop it!”

Ignoring Ronan, I deliver a well deserved knee to the groin. He deserves it way more than I did.

Clutching his privates, he falls backwards into the hot tub. People laugh.

“Nikolai!” I turn towards Ronan only to be slapped hard across the face. “You’re an asshole!”

Aggravated, and cheek stinging, I grab Ronan’s arm. “We need to talk…”

“No!”

“…in private.”

“Let me go!”

I start to drag him towards the gate, hardly concerned about making a scene.

“Niko, let go of me!” He wrenches his arm out of my grasp, pushing me backwards against a lawn chair.

One of the lifeguards approaches us as two others rush over to help Levi out of the water. “Excuse me, sir. You’re starting a riot. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Back the fuck off! This isn’t about you.” I think I may have officially snapped. “Ronan, we need to talk right now.” I take his hand again, squeezing his fingers. “Please, just hear me out,” I whisper.

“Sir, if you don’t leave now, I’m calling security.” The lifeguard turns the dial on his lame little walky-talky, all ready to do it.

“We’re going,” Ronan snaps back. He huffs, releasing my hand and stomping off towards the gate.

Sticking my tongue out at the lifeguard, I follow in Ronan’s tracks.

Ronan leads me to a small bench shaded by a large Juniper tree. He looks me over as he sits down on the bench, crossing one leg over the other.

I cross my arms over my chest, pacing back and forth in front of the bench. My anxiety level is too high to sit – if that even makes sense.

Ronan breaks my thought process as I try to think of the best way to phrase the events. “So?”

This triggers something and before I can stop myself, I’m relaying the entire course of events from locking myself outside the night before to Levi cornering me in the hot tub – from Levi calling me over to be nauseated by his soggy waffle to, “And then he kissed me right when I was about to hit him because he saw you coming over. I mean, what the fuck, Roni! Do you really think I would cheat on you? Why the hell would I pay out my ass to take you on a nice, relaxing vacation just to cheat on you? I love you!”

Ronan stares at me with wide eyes.

Mentally exhausted from my at least ten minute rant, I slump down on the bench next to him placing my face in my hands. Why is the world against me? Is it dead set on turning me emo? Does the universe want me to cut myself and paint my nails black and listen to Nine Inch Nails? Because I am this close.

“Aw, Kolya!” Ronan timidly wraps his arms around my shoulders. “That’s horrible!” He lifts my face up, brushing my hair behind one ear. “Why would he go through so much trouble just to hurt us?”

“I don’t know! But this vacation is not turning out like I hoped.”

He nods. “I’m sorry I listened to him. His story didn’t even make sense. I was just…I don’t know…hurt and willing to believe whatever explanation I got. I know you’re not dumb enough to cheat on me when I’m twenty feet away.”

Oh, come on. Give me more credit than that. “I would never cheat on you.”

“Right, I know you’re not that dumb either.”

Thank you.

He kisses me. In light of everything, at least I’m still getting kisses. Ronan touches my forehead and I wince, drawing back.

“You got a killer bruise there.”

“Feels like it.”

“It’s a sexy battle scar, though.”

I laugh into another kiss. “Too bad it won’t actually scar.”

“Hmm…well, I think it’s sexy that you kicked someone’s ass for me.”

“You do?” My pride swells, and by pride, I actually mean my pride. Not, you know, my man-pride. “I’m still pretty fucking pissed at what he did. I wouldn’t mind bashing his face in a little more.”

Ronan smirks, squeezing my hand. “No, no. Not going to risk you getting hurt any further.” He stands up. “I have a better idea.”

Shrugging, I let him pull me to my feet. “What?”

“Gonna talk to the manager. See if we can’t rape that bad kid.”

“…did you just make a HALO reference?”

“I…not on purpose.” He stares at me for a few seconds before turning and walking towards the hotel lobby.

---

“I’d like to speak to the manager please.”

The woman behind the counter nods. “Yes, sir. One moment.” She picks up the phone and dials a number.

“Now, when the manager gets here, just let me do the talking. You just…stand and look scandalized or something,” Ronan says to me softly.

“M’kay.”

“He’s on his way,” the woman says, going back to ignoring us and typing.

“Thank you,” Ronan replies, stroking my arm as if I’m a wounded puppy.

I don’t really know where that analogy came from, but I try my best to look like a wounded puppy. I think about being kicked in the balls again, actually, no. That causes me to grimace. I think about the PETA videos that seriously made me consider becoming a vegetarian but I could never actually stick to it.

The hotel manager enters the lobby. He approaches us with a smile. “How may I help you?”

I watch Ronan in complete awe as he works – twisting and exaggerating my story but still keeping it within boundaries. Claiming sexual assault and manipulation. Demanding action be taken less a law suit be filed against the hotel. He could be a professional actor.

The manager apologizes profusely as Ronan finishes the story. He assures him that Levi will be fired under circumstances of sexual assault and the authorities notified. He even throws in a few free hours at the spa and a free dinner at the Desert Garden Bistro.

“Thank you very much.” Ronan takes my hand, winking at me and taking me outside by the water fountain.

“Oh…my…fucking…God.” I resist getting on my knees and bowing down to my Asian. “I love you! You are absolutely amazing!”

Ronan digs into his manbag for a pack of Marlboros. “I know,” he says, searching his pockets for a lighter. “Hey, gotta light?”

“No, I’m serious, Roni. That was so cool!” I produce a lighter and hold the flame out for him.

He takes a drag. “Thanks, babe.” Ronan hands me the cigarette and pulls out his cell phone. “I don’t suppose you saved those directions?”

“Nope.”

“Oh well, we can try it with the map.” He finds the tour number and calls for a new appointment.

---

“I told you I could find it,” I declare triumphantly as I pull up to the toll booth.

“Yes, and I’m very proud of you.” Ronan zips up my backpack after removing a pack of chips. We stopped at a convenience store on the way and stocked up on snack foods to have a small picnic later. “It only took you two wrong exits and a Mexican to point us in the right direction.”

“I still found it,” I mumble, rolling down the window.

The man at the booth pops his gum. “Welcome to Sabina Canyon tours. That’ll be five dollars for parking.”

“I got it.” Ronan hands me a five spot.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, you’ve paid for everything.”

I hand the man the money through the window and in turn am handed a ticket.

“Put that on your dashboard.”

“Thank you.”

The man closes his window and turns up the volume on his radio.

The gate opens and I pull through it, rolling up the car window.

“What even happens on these tour things?”

“Um, from what I read, they put you on a tram that goes around the canyon and you can get off at any of the stops and walk the trail. And there’s little lake things you can wade in.” Ronan pulls open his bag of chips.

“That sounds cute,” I say, sarcasm laced in my tone. I pull into the parking lot and switch off the ignition.

“Doesn’t it?” he squeals. “Sounds so romantic! We can have a picnic by the brook.”

“…yeah…”

Ronan pops a chip into his mouth. “Want one?”

“If I say yes, will you give me one?”

“No, probably not,” he smirks, slowly drawing one of his fingers between his lips. “Just thought I’d be nice and ask.”

“Well aren’t you a sweetheart?” I grab the bag from Ronan’s hands.

“Hey!” He tries to grab it back but I hold it out of his reach. “Niko, come on! Those are my chippiez.

“Sharing is caring.”

“No way! Those are mine!” Ronan pouts.

“What do I get for it?”

“Hmm,” Ronan smiles, unbuckling his seatbelt. He traces one finger up my leg. He smoothly pulls the lever on my chair and pushes it back. He crawls into my lap, smoothing his hands over my chest.

“Roni,” I let out a breathy laugh. “We’re in an open parking lot.”

“So what?” He leans down, his lips hovering mere centimeters over mine.

I wait patiently for contact.

“Thank you!” Ronan snatches the chips from my hand. Giggling, he rolls off my lap into the passenger seat.

I glare at Ronan from my reclined position. “You’re mean.”

He smiles innocently, taking a chip and handing it to me. “Lets go on our tour.” Ronan pulls on the door handle and slinks out of the car. “Come on now. Stop sulking. I’ll make it up to you later.” He slams the door and starts walking towards the tour building.

Rearranging my jeans and grabbing my backpack, I run after Ronan, locking the car as an afterthought. “Roni! Roni, Roni, Roni.” I catch up to him right as he gets to the building. “Does that mean we’re gonna have sex?” Feeling prying eyes on the back of my neck, I turn around to face the family from earlier.

The young girl with blonde hair looks up at me and then to her dad. “Daddy, it’s the man who hates God!”

“It sure is, darling.” He stares at me with disgust.

Ronan looks at the man and his daughter. “What a beautiful little girl,” he coos.

“Thank you,” the man says gruffly.

“Did your wife cheat on you or were you just in an accident after she was conceived?”

The man’s mouth drops.

“Come on, baby. Let’s go commit sodomy and seal our inevitable fate into the depths of hell.” He grabs my hand and walks towards the entrance.

Smiling, I hear the little girl ask her dad, “What’s sodomy?”

Ronan pushes open the door to the air conditioned hall. Pictures of the canyon adorn the walls. Taxidermist stuffed animals on platforms stare at guests with lifeless eyes. A gift shop is to the right and we walk towards it. Plushies and post cards and sweatshirts and other worthless shit is piled on shelves. “Look, cactus candy!” Ronan pulls down a packet of gross looking sugar-coated green something or other. “We should try some.”

“Go for it. I’d rather not choke on a cactus.”

He laughs. “I’m sure they remove the thorns.”

“Then get it, but it looks gross.”

Ronan puts the candy back. “God, you’re so uncultured.”

“I’ve been in America for almost two years. I think I’m a little cultured out. Especially if it consists of cactus candy and…botox.”

Shaking his head and muttering something, Ronan pats me softly on the cheek. “Homesick?”

“Nah. I don’t know. When does the tram come?”

“Ten minutes.”

“Should we go wait outside?”

He looks out the glass door. “It’s pretty hot out there.”

“It’s kind of hot in here too,” I say, running my fingers through his hair.

“Fine. Let’s go outside.”

“Why do you always ruin the mood?” I ask as he retreats towards the door.

“It’s fun!”

Rolling my eyes, I shuffle after him. We’re doing a lot of follow the leader today.

Just a few minutes later, the tram pulls up. Only the first cart is enclosed and we quickly make our way to that one. A woman hands us a pamphlet as we step on the cart and Ronan and I sit on a bench across from a family of five – a husband, wife and their three kids.

Ronan opens his pamphlet which holds information on the nature and wildlife we can expect to see. He flips to a page about what to do in case of a mountain lion attack.

“Ooh, there are mountain lions here?” the woman across from us asks in a heavy German accent.

Ronan smiles. “I suppose so, but don’t worry. Niko here is very good with cats.”

I roll my eyes, resting an arm around his shoulder. “Domestic cats, sure.”

“No! You’re like the cat whisperer!”

The woman smiles back. “That is nice. I suppose we picked good seats then.”

Ronan nods enthusiastically. “You’re from Germany, right?”

“Oh, yes! I am from Heidelberg. My accent is that bad?”

He shakes his head, grinning. “No, no, but we get mistaken for it all the time. We’re from Belgium. I think our accents sound very different.”

The tram starts to move.

“I agree!” Ronan’s new friend exclaims. “Everyone gets my accent wrong all the time! It is quite annoying.”

“Stupid Americans,” the three of us say at once and then break into laughter.

“I’m Frieda,” the woman says, extending her hand to both of us. Her grip is soft.

“Nikolai,” I say.

“Ronan,” he follows.

“Very nice to meet you.” Frieda pulls out a bottle of sunscreen and begins to put it on. “Would you like some? It would be a very bad vacation if you were burned to a crisp.”

I politely decline. I hate the feel of sunscreen on my skin and it’s not like this vacation could get much worse.

“No, Kolya, you need it! You burn so easily!” He takes the sunblock from Frieda, thanking her. “I’ll put it on you,” he says while popping the cap open.

Scowling, I allow him to run the lotion over my arms. His hands then caress my neck and he continues to spread it over my face. “Ew…”

“All done!” Ronan hands the bottle back.

“Aren’t you going to put some on?”

“No, I hate that shit!”

I throw my head back, sighing.

Ronan chuckles and scoots closer to me to rest his head in the crook of my neck. “At least you won’t look like a lobster.”

“This is true,” Frieda says with a small laugh.

I can’t help but smile at her. She’s a cute little lady.

“You two make a nice couple,” she says sincerely.

“Aww,” Ronan places a hand on my cheek, “thanks.”

“The first stop is off to the right,” the tram conductor says over the intercom. He explains how the tickets work in reboarding and where the bathrooms are.

“Should we get off?” I ask.

“Nope, we’ll get off at the last stop and walk the trail back.”

“That’s like five miles!” I complain.

“We can always get back on a tram at one of the stops if we get tired.”

“Ja! Good idea!” Frieda says. She starts to converse with her husband in German.

I look off to the side of the tram. We pass cactus after cactus after rock after cactus. “Wanneer wordt dit interessant?”

“When you learn to shut up and enjoy nature.”

Sighing, I watch a bird land on a tree before the tram passes it up and out of sight. Eventually, we start passing little pools of water that people are wading in. The small pools turn into bigger bodies of water and by the second to last stop, my interest is piqued. This place would be great for some pictures. I rummage through my backpack to find my beloved Canon EOS Rebel.

“Gonna take some pictures?”

I nod and focus my camera. “Smile!”

“Jackass!” Ronan punches me in the arm after I take a picture of him.

Massaging the spot on my arm that I continually get hit in, I wait for the last stop. I sling the camera over my neck and pull on my backpack as we get close.

The tram comes to a stop and Ronan and I stand up. After saying goodbye to Frieda, we get out and walk towards an abandoned clearing by a lake, having to walk through a bunch of brush.

“This place is so pretty!” Ronan trudges through the sand towards the water.

I’m actually not a big fan of sand and that water looks a little scummy.

“Niko! Come play with me!”

Pushing my germ phobia aside, I slowly walk towards him.

“You brought that blanket right?”

“Mhmm.” I drop my backpack on the ground and start to unload all the snacks piled on top of the picnic blanket I loaded earlier. “Ah, there you are.” I pull out the red, checkered blanket and spread it out on the ground, placing all the snacks on top of it.

“Cute!” Ronan teases, toeing off his shoes and socks. He rolls up his pant legs. “Let’s go in the water.”

“That water is probably crawling with infestation. You can practically see the bacteria growing!”

Ronan grins, stepping towards me and pulling on both of my hands. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Uh…no. You go and I’ll take pictures.”

He frowns slightly. “Aw, okay scaredy cat. Take pretty pictures then.” He stands on tiptoe to kiss me on the cheek.

“Duh. I’m taking pictures of you.”

He smiles brilliantly over his shoulder as he runs to the water.

I hold the camera up and look through the viewfinder.

Ronan steps into the water with a short gasp. “That’s kind of cold!” he says, turning his head towards me, one foot daintily submerged in the water.

I snap a picture. “Adorable,” I whisper.

He walks slowly into the brook and stretches his arms out as if to keep his balance.

Snap.

Ronan bends down and scoops up a handful of water, letting it fall through the cracks in his fingers.

Snap.

I walk a little closer and watch as he splashes around.

Laughing, he kicks at the water and poses for a few more pictures.

“Are you bored of the water yet?”

“Um, I guess. Since you’re not going to get in with me.”

I shake my head no. My camera is placed on the blanket as I wait for Ronan to come out of the gross water.

“So do I make a good model?”

“The best.”

He throws his arms around me. “You really know how to feed my ego.”

I laugh, sitting down on the blanket and pull Ronan down beside me. “I hope you don’t get sick from that water.”

“Ugh, me too.” He finds a bag of cookies and starts to much on them. “But you’ll take care of me if I do get sick, right?”

“Yupp, of course.” I take a few cookies from the bag. “But I’d rather you didn’t.” I pull my camera back up and take a picture as Ronan lifts a cookie to his lips. “You should be my model full-time.”

“Gonna pay me?”

I shrug. “Nope.”

He pushes me onto my back and steals my camera. “Let me take a few.”

Smiling, I rest one arm behind my head.

Ronan takes a picture. “Do something.”

“Like what?”

“Like something.”

I wrap a hand behind Ronan’s neck and gently push him down.

“Oomph!” He falls down on top of me. “I meant something cute.”

I lick at his nose as I push his face closer to mine.

“Something I can take a picture of.”

I pry the camera from his fingers and place it beside me. “Later. I thought we were gonna play.”

“Mm.” He lies down next to me and snuggles close. “Let’s play then.”

---

Twenty minutes later, Ronan and I emerge from the clearing, a dumb smile plastered on my face.

Ronan buttons up the top of his shirt and fixes his hair a little. “Well, that was fun.”

“Yeah.” I loop my arm through his. “So now we have to walk five miles back to the car?”

“Nah, but let’s walk a little at least. I’m sure you’ll find some pretty things to take pictures of.”

“Actually, I used most of my film during our uh…little game.”

Ronan nearly trips. “Don’t let anyone see you developing those photos.”

We walk out onto the trail. There’s no one else in sight.

“I might just use them for my final project.”

“You better not!” he warns.

“Relax.” I fall in step behind Ronan and wrap my arms around his neck. “Those pictures are for my eyes only. Promise.”

“For when I’m not around, right?”

“Exactly.” I rest my chin on top of his head as we walk awkwardly down the path. “Hope we don’t see a mountain lion.”

“Shit, I know! You can run faster than me.” He stops suddenly. “Hey, you wanna give me a piggy back ride?”

“I just gave you a ride.” I’m punched once again in the shoulder. “Would you mind hitting me on the other side for a while? I need that arm.”

Ronan punches me in the other arm.

“Thanks, asshole.”

A lizard runs across the trail followed by a little bird.

Ronan pulls out his digital camera. “I wanna make a video.” He switches the mode to record and presses down on the button. “Alright, so. Your favorite fag here, making a video about my vacation to Arizona. Niko was kind enough to win us tickets to the Westin La Paloma so we ventured out into the wild west with all the cowboys and um…Mexicans and are having a lovely little time.” He starts to walk backwards, pointing the camera at me. “Say hi, Niko.”

“Hi.” I raise my eyebrows, not liking being on camera.

“Say something to the people watching.”

“You’re about to walk into a cactus.”

“Shit!” He turns around and films the offending cacti. “You little bastard, coulda done some major damage on my ass.”

“And that would be very, very bad.”

He nods, turning the camera back towards me and proceeds to walk backwards. “Tell me if I’m gonna walk into anything.”

“Alright.”

“You should talk about our vacation a little.”

“It sucks,” I say, holding my hand up to the lens.

“Oh, come on!” He turns the camera around and holds it in front of his own face. “Niko is a little camera shy, which is weird because he’s not shy at all when we…”

“Shut up! I don’t want that on tape!”

“What? I was gonna say when we meet new people.”

“Oh…right.” I feel heat spread through my cheeks as Ronan once again starts filming me. “Dude, I don’t wanna be in your stupid movie. Don’t need all of Youtube seeing my post-sex look.”

“I’m not gonna upload it to Youtube. Just Facebook.”

“Well, that’s fine then!” I say sarcastically, trying to cover the lens again.

“No, no. Tell them about our vacation. It’s a funny story.”

“We drove six hours, Ronan got mad at me, I locked myself out, nearly got raped by a bellboy, Roni and I had sex, the bellboy framed me to make it look like I was cheating, I punched him in the face, Roni slapped me, we went on this tour thing you’re now seeing, had sex again in a mini-forest and now we’re walking. The end.”

“You’re a horrible story teller.”

“And you’re about to walk into a tree.”

“Damn it!” Ronan maneuvers around the tree, turning the camera around to face him yet again. “That’s basically it. We’re having a shitload of fun and, oh my fucking God a snake!” he screams, jumping into my arms Scooby Doo style.

I smirk, walking around the baby garden snake. I take the camera from Ronan’s hands, saying goodbye and pressing the off button. “It was just a baby.”

“Babies bite!” Ronan falls back to the ground as I drop his legs. “I’d like to go back to the hotel now. I was not informed there would be snakes!”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, let’s get the fuck out!” He storms towards one of the tram stops and climbs on top of the bench.

I sit down next to his feet and look up. “I didn’t know you were scared of snakes. You used to hold Lilith.” Lilith was my old Columbian red-tailed boa.

“Yeah, but she was de-venomized or whatever.”

“Roni, that snake wasn’t poisonous.”

“It wasn’t?”

“Nope.”

Ronan gets down off the bench and sits in my lap. “Oh. Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

“They’ll see it if you post that video on Facebook.”

He quickly deletes the video off his camera, exhaling in relief. “Kaden would taunt me mercilessly.”

“I don’t know, man. The fag would probably think it was adorable and then try to rape you or something. He has a thing for Asians.”

Ronan laughs. “Yeah, I know.”

The tram finally pulls up alongside us after a few minutes of making fun of our friend’s flamboyance.

We step onto the cart, tourists eyeing us curiously. “What are they staring at?” I ask.

“Oh, you look like you just had sex.”

“What?” The cart lurches into motion and I nearly fall into the bench. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it was something you had to know.”

I avoid eye contact with everyone the rest of the tour back to the parking lot, except for at one point telling a girl across from me to take a picture because it would last longer – which of course she took me up on my advice. Ronan photo bombed the picture with a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for picking Sabina Canyon Tours!” the conductor says. “Please visit us again soon.”

I pick up my backpack and quickly get off the tram. Not waiting for Ronan, I run to the parking lot and unlock the car as I get closer. I yank open the car door and look in the mirror. My hair is mussed up and somehow I managed to get my shirt on backwards. “Fuck!” I pull my shirt up over my head as Ronan walks up behind me.

“Looking good, stud.”

“Shut up.” I put it back on the right way. “You didn’t think it was important to tell me my shirt was on backwards?”

“Doesn’t rank high on my list.”

“Bastard. Get in the car.”

“Ask nicely,” Ronan says with a grin.

“Get in the fucking car, now. Or I’m leaving without you.”

“Okay, jeesh.” He gets inside and buckles his seat belt. “Are you mad at me?”

Slamming my own door, I look at him. Any anger I did feel melts away at his puppy dog eyes. He makes all my disorders so much worse…or so much better. I’m not really sure. “No,” I say softly. “It’s impossible to be mad at you.”

He tilts my head up and kisses me softly on the lips.

“Especially when you do shit like that.”

Ronan smiles. “We could go get lunch by the pool.”

“Can we just sit by the pool for the rest of our vacation?”

“Well, most of it. And then we can go back to the room.”

“Great.” I put the keys in the ignition and grab the iPod before Ronan has a chance to.

“No, God. Not your music!” Ronan whines.

“What? I have good taste in music. I don’t want to listen to Cobra Starship or Linkin Park or whatever the fuck it is you like.”

He boos. “I don’t like those bands. Put on Cake.”

Amused simply by their name, I comply. We listen to Comfort Eagle for a minute while I focus on not getting us lost until The Pixies randomly shuffles on. Out of all their songs, Here Comes Your Man decides to play.

Feeling particularly flaming, I sing along. It’s a good song even if the content is a little questionable.

I manage to get us back to the hotel, remembering all the landmarks and signs from the first…and second time we passed them. We walk past the hotel fountain and through a little hallway of pillars. A familiar beat begins playing from an overhead speaker. I subconsciously start humming the tune only to realize that Ronan is doing the same. I look at him as he looks at me and we both laugh before breaking out into the chorus.

“Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one!”

Ronan attempts to moonwalk but fails miserably. He giggles, tickling me in the side before I’m forced to pry his hands lose.

“Stop!” I yell, laughing.

He does, but only to pull his cell phone out. Ronan ceases the ringing by flipping it open and holds it to his ear. “Kade, hey. No, I don’t know why Niko hasn’t been answering his phone.” He looks at me as I check my pockets.

Not finding my own phone, I shrug.

“I think he lost it or something. Uh huh. Yeah, he’s right here. Hold on.” Ronan hands me the phone.

“Hey, man, what’s up?”

Kaden starts ranting on about something I only half catch as Ronan checks my backpack for my phone.

“Dude, slow down. I can’t understand what you’re saying. Naoki made out with, what…your prom date? Shit, that sucks.”

Ronan starts to laugh. He hands me my phone, pointing out the twelve missed calls I’ve received. “High school drama?” he mouths.

I nod. “That sucks, Kade, but…yeah, I know.”

“Tell him you’re having sex,” he whispers.

“Yes, I know Nao’s a slut but I’m, no, dude, I’m…yeah, I agree.”

Ronan grabs his phone back. “Niko can’t concentrate on fucking me if you’re yapping away about your ex. He’ll call you back.” He flips the phone closed in annoyance.

“A little harsh, Roni.”

“Well, that boy doesn’t ever stop talking.”

“Didn’t say it wasn’t genius.”

Ronan winks as we walk up towards our hotel room. “I’m hungry. Let’s get lunch.” He opens the door easily with his room key.

“Will they even allow us down by the pool?”

“Definitely. They don’t want to get their asses sued.”

I cut myself off mid-sentence saying how the hotel would be lucky if Ronan got anywhere near their ass. That sounds a little too gay. “Find my suit, please?”

“It’s in your black suitcase.” He disappears into the bathroom with his own swimsuit.

“Alright.” I find my suitcase and neatly go through it until I find my swimming trunks. Realizing that I probably won’t get to change in the bathroom, I lift my shirt over my head that I just managed to get on the right way. Undoing my belt, I let my jeans drop to the floor. I push my boxers down just in time for Ronan to walk out of the bathroom in his red shorts. “Woah, woah.” I quickly shield my goods.

Ronan smirks. “Why are you covering yourself? It’s nothing I haven’t had in my mouth before.”

Suppressing a laugh, I shrug and lower my hands.

Ronan points. “Aha! I see Niko’s penis!”

Groaning, I grab my shorts off the bed and pull them on. “You live to tease me, don’t you?”

“It definitely spices things up a bit.”

“Uh huh.” Folding my clothes, I grab my card key and put it in the side pocket of my trunks. “Ready to go?”

“Yupp.” Ronan and I walk down towards the pool, pushing and shoving one another playfully. As we walk through the pool gates, of course the first thing in view is two hot blondes sun tanning, a third very, very attractive brunette rubbing lotion over their backs.

Ronan jumps up once in front of me, waving his hand in my face. “Yo. Earth to Niko.”

I shake the daze from my head. “What? I wasn’t staring.”

“No, just drooling.”

I raise a hand to my mouth just in case. I’m not. “Nuh uh.”

“At least I can trust that you’re not gay.”

“I wouldn’t say no if you grew some boobies.” I grope at his flat chest.

Ronan swats my hand away, attempting to push me backwards into the pool.

Being much more nimble, I move out of the way before his hand even comes in contact with my side.

Ronan stumbles and nearly does a belly flop into the pool if I didn’t grab his arm and pull him back.

“You okay?” I run my hand across his shoulder in an effort to calm him as he breathes quickly.

“Shit!”

“What? I wouldn’t let you fall.”

Ronan laughs nervously. “Why the hell not? I tried to push you.”

I opt to be super cheesy. “I’m here to lift you up, not knock you down.” I lift Ronan up by his arms and carry him like a bride towards the pool.

“Holy shit, that was lame.”

“Yeah, but you liked it.” I wade slowly into the pool to the swim up bar, carrying Ronan through the waist deep water. I let him down as we near the bar.

“You’re so weird,” he says, sitting on one of the underwater stools. “Can I get a strawberry-banana smoothie, please?” Ronan asks the slightly overweight bartender.

I sit down next to him. “Gimme something fruity with a shitload of alcohol in it.”

Ronan snickers, covering his mouth with two hands. “Story of your life.”

I push him lightly and he sways a little on his stool. “That barely made sense.”

“It did too. You’re just not smart enough to get it.”

“Yeah, sure, Asian.” I take my drink from the man and grab a menu.

---

I flip through the channels of our hotel TV, half watching the screen and half watching Ronan towel dry his hair.

“I can’t believe you beat me at volleyball.”

“Seriously? I beat you at all sports.”

“That’s not true. I beat you every time we play videogames.”

I rub the back of my neck and change the channel again. I find Nickelodeon and watch through a commercial in hopes that Fairly Odd Parents or Spongebob will entertain me for a bit. “Hey, Ronan?” I ask, confused by a commercial. “What’s the Naked Brother’s Band?”

Ronan finishes drying his hair and puts the towel away. “I think it’s some stupid Nickelodeon endorsed band created to compete with the Jonas Brothers.”

I watch for a moment as the name of the band flashes across the screen. “Naked Brothers? Oh God, that’s like incest at its worst. And they’re publicizing that on children’s television? America is whack.”

Ronan gives me that look again as he lays down on the bed. “Change the channel.”

I check the guide. Oprah, Family Guy, American Idol, Top Chef, Parental Control, “Ho-shit! Grindhouse is on!” I quickly select the channel to find Rose McGowan shooting up a bunch of zombies with her machine-gun leg. Content, I lay down next to Ronan. “We should order room service,” I propose.

“You’re kidding! We just had lunch down by the pool.” He pats me on the tummy. “How about we work off lunch with a little…physical activity,” he says seductively, “and then we can order room service.”

“Sex again? Didn’t you just put out a few hours ago?”

“Yeah, but we’re on vacation. You know I’m not gonna want to do it once we get back home.”

I consider this for a moment. “Damn, you’re right.” I hastily push Ronan over and lie on top of him.

“But, Niko, turn off the TV. I’m not making love with zombies being slayed in the background.”

“What? But that’s like…my fantasy.”

“Ew, no. Turn that shit off.”

I reach for the remote and press the off button. “You take the fun out of everything.”

---

Translations:
Wanneer wordt dit interessant - When does this get interesting