The original story is in French. To free myself even more, I translated the story in English. So please, don't mind any mistakes, because I used an online translator.

This is a true story. But I would like to say that it isn't. This story have homosexuality and contains sexual scenes. It is classified M for mature. Read to his own risk.

For the first time of my life, I wanted to get drunk to forget a blunder which I committed. Let be, says in passing, a blunder which changed my life. I do not drink either, I am major since September and I have never made a single party.

To describe my story, we have to go back a little. In April 2008, my couple ended, I'm single. Thus, fast calculation, it makes 10 months that I had no sexual relation.

A man, it's a men. As we often say, we think with our sex. 10 months without thinking, it is strong! Thus, the men in me wants sex. What do we make then? The male looks for a female. In my case, another male. I thus join dating sites in August 2008.

Three sites. Two normal. The basic option is " Man looking for woman " and we can modify afterward and the 3rd site, without naming it directly, has the "gay" word in its name of domain. That explains a little.

In fact, " gay ****** ", I joined it at the beginning of March 2009. And it is exactly there that I began to build my blunder.

As I explained, my male instincts looks for sexual relations. I said myself: " Jroy, you can wait until August, you go away at the university, it will be simpler! " But, I have no patience.

By surfing on the site, my status is registered "online". Other men can thus contact me by knowing that my rate of answer is raised. There is some who say to me only "U hot" or "hi". I answer most " ahahah " eor " hey, how it's going? "

There are 25 men subscribed on the site in my city. Limited enough. Furthermore, of my age, 4. I included. I write in one by saying to him : "Hey! How it's going?" He answers me, very directly and almost vulgar " My God! You don't interest " and the other one answers "hey".

There are thus 21 men of more than 30 years old. 30 years and more, let us say it, it is old for a 19-year-old man like me. I received a message of a 42-year-old man who says to me " hi. beautiful body ". I answer it, by laughing " hello. Thank you ".

The next day, March 13th, I go see my inbox. 4 messages. Not very important two ("I would put you in the evening if you would be closer" and "do you know Adam? "), a 3rd which surprises me (" Hey Jroy! Do you remember me? ") and the 4th, of this 42-year-old man. He says to me: " you looking for what? " I answer it " chat, but some sex, as everybody who is OK, lol ". Big stupid whom am I.

I stay my window open work on my projects. I receive an announcement of him who ask me: " are you difficult? What do you like to do? " I answer it that I look for of my age and that old men did not interest me.

I'm relieved, I receive no more messages of him. Until March 16th. He answers me " it is OK. I look too of my age. "

That is the moment I should shut my mouth. See the reason. Cut my fingers if I should. I said: " in fact, I can't say that you don't interest me, I have never tried with older than me ". STUPID OF JROY.

He quickly answers me and says " Ah yes? Do you want to? " I to answer: " why not. "

IF AT LEAST I wouldn't had respond. No, I had to play his game. But, at the bottom, as long as we do not meet, it's OK.

He asks me for my MSN, I give my MSN "special meet", him whom I use for my contacts met on sites of this kind. We speak, chat, and I come to know that he lives in 5 minutes from my home. My man's brain gets excited to know that I could please myself, even if it is with older than me.

He says that he is going to offer me a beer. Meh. Why not. And the fucking stupid that I am, I took my shower and walked to his house.

There, I see him and I begin to shake. As a leaf in the wind. As a introduction, he kisses me on the mouth. I move back of 2 feet just like that. " It's not like that we usually make? " he says.

The surprise, the disgust, the taste of the beer in its mouth and of the smoke also. Ah, and the fact that he his 23 years older than me. I simply say: " it is the smoke, I can't stand it ".

" Ah, sorry … " He speaks like a child who is afraid to be surprised. Me, my human brain shouts me that I am stupid, but my sexual brain shout that I am going to be satisfied. The rest of my body shakes by the indecisive.

He offers me a beer and almost forces me to drink it. He wants me to be drunk to have a relation with him, I am not crazy. Not drunk.

He tries to secure me by locking doors and by closing curtains. I shake even more. [I shake by writing these lines]

He says: " come in the room, I want to show you something ". I swallow my saliva. I can put off, I know it. But I am irresponsible, stupid and fucked up.

The room, it's a computer room with a purple couch, a working chair on wheels and a stool. He settles down near his computer and opens a gay porn site where the models masturbate live. I sit down on the stool and look at the computer. Anything excites me, because I am frozen by fear.

He takes his hand and glide it on my crotch. I want to vomit. Why I cannot leave. WHY?

I ask him, without any interest, what is his size. He answers " that depend. That depend what you make with it. " That's it, I have a sudden jump. But I can't move, nor express myself against the situation, I am too nervous and frightened.

From there, everything becomes vague. What takes place. What is said, I understand nothing more. Until the moment when I wake up finally.

" Sorry, I am going to leave. This proved that I wanted no old man ".

And I go out.

When I go down the stairs of his house, I spat, I had some sudden jump and I still shaked. As a dead leaf this time. I killed in me the only part of logic that was there.

Two things are sure from this moment. 1: NEVER WITH SOMEBODY MORE THAN 30 YEARS! And 2: the sex, it is not the similar that making love.

And, now, when I take my shower, I think of him; I have some difficulty drinking a beer; to buy some gum is not to have good breath, it is to remove any grime of him; as soon as a mature man approaches me on the Net, I say no and I block him.

For those who know me and who read the story, sorry for details. It was the only way to take out the poison.