I wrote of you once
before in that time
when I wanted what I
could not hope to hold

I was frightened of meanings
of the words kept hidden
from people who still matter
& you told me not to fear

I didn’t believe you then
nor do I now not in
what you say not really
though I know you mean well

I remember I saw you
looking at me with eyes
that spoke of gentle kind
affection—& silently I wept

I can never give you
all of me all that I know
you want from me my heart
that backward crooked thing

but now it makes little sense
to break you apart with these
small destructive hands I have
until the very last second possible

& so here I am remembering
that time before I turned
the silver ring over to face me
fervently praying I could forget

the one who changed my life
just by existing just by breathing
I searched in the halls through crowds
just for the tiniest glimpse of that face

so I must confess the truth in me
sometimes I wait just a little too long
& you pass right on by me unknowing
that I let you walk away in relief

I am hurting you without you knowing
I am hurting me by knowing I will
eventually tell you this dance has ended
& I’m not forgetting any glass shoe

but for now you can be
my white knight on a steel mustang
& I’m here because I want to be
something I’m afraid I can’t feel

you place your arms around me
& I feel the bars to a cage
do you not notice that I never
stay longer than a second

not the actions of a girl enamored
& I know it & I hate it
as you promise to give me
as much time as I need

I doubt the question is time
but you will never catch me
saying so because that would
admit that I am irreparable

I choke on the label you have
but listen here—
what I will never ever say—
the bitterest truth of all:

I have wondered if you
would be there
standing at the end of the aisle
the nail in my coffin

helping me in
that one final fatal
vain attempt
at denial.