Caspirín’s Stone

AN: It’s a very short final chapter, just to tie up the loose ends. I hope people find it satisfying enough – it really was the only way I could think of to have it end.

Thanks for all those who already have, and to the rest of you I cannot emphasise this enough – PLEASE REVIEW. Feedback makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside.

Chapter 10: “Maybe we can both find freedom.”

Joshel, as it turned out, was not dead - but he might as well have been. Through him for a moment had been channeled all the power that had made up the God, and it seemed to have ripped his mind away as it dispersed, leaving him infant-like, smiling blankly at bright colours and soft music.

When Caspian heard this, he turned away to the window to hide his eyes. “I should feel guilty for this,” he said softly. “This was something I did to him – and yet I can’t help but feel so glad that he can’t hurt me again –”

“It’s called being human,” Treygan told him. “All the little nasty realities that make doing the right thing so much more meaningful.”

Caspian leaned against him, weary again despite the speed of his recovery, and Treygan closed his eyes and blessed and cursed the fact that Caspian did not seem to remember the truths Joshel had flung at him so viciously.

Not so for Darus. The old man was busy enough trying, in his mild but refreshingly direct way, to take the disgraced Rikah’s place at the head of the council, trying to convince them of the cover stories they had concocted; the ‘breakthrough’ that Treygan’s return had caused, after so long… and yet he had still found time to probe Treygan on those revelations.

“Don’t,” Treygan had said tersely the first time the priest had led the conversation that way. “I don’t need a lecture about this.”

“Who said I was here to lecture you?” Darus asked. “I just wanted to know –”

“What? If that’s why I left? How long I’ve felt that way? Whether I even cared about your daughter?” Treygan shot the words out bitterly.

Darus did not snap back. “Something like that, yes,” he replied evenly.

Treygan forced himself back to calm. “I loved Lelina,” he said quietly. “Very much. And she was safe to love – I could do so without the guilt. But the way I felt for Caspian was there before her, and now she’s gone there’s nowhere I can hide from it. And yet I can do nothing. Does that answer your questions?”

“Why do you think it is so wrong to feel that way?” Darus asked. “Why such guilt? You love him – what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing is wrong with love,” Treygan said quietly. “But wanting more than that – there is something wrong with lusting after someone so innocent.”

“You’re a fool,” Darus told him. “His soul may have started childlike when it was trapped in the God, but children grow, and you have given him a chance to do so at last. He may not care for you that way, but that is a reason for regret, not guilt. You shouldn’t waste guilt on so ordinary a feeling.”

But Treygan could not bow to his wisdom, not this time.

Instead he stood at Caspian’s side as he met with priests who cast their doubt on the return of the ‘Black Knight’ for the sake of his eyes, from which the gold had drained forever with the shattering of his bonds, and for the sake of his own name which he now stubbornly held to. He watched Caspian learning to draw now off the lesser power he had spread over the land, and watched him, for the first time, start to chafe at the confines of the tower where for so long custom and the pressure of the God had kept him tethered – like a bird free to fly only so far before returning.

“I should be out there,” he said listlessly. “Helping the people… there’s no reason for me to be here anymore! Darus can lead the council now the way I cannot – they shield from me what they’ll tell to him. Like you do.” Treygan did not answer, and Caspian sighed. “What will you do if I leave?” he asked more softly. “You’re free now… it will no longer hurt you to slay demons, and if you wished not to no one would blame you. You could marry, start a family –”

“No,” Treygan stopped him, unable to bear more. A hard lump grew in his throat at the mere thought of leaving him. “If you go, I’ll go with you. Always.”

“But you’re no longer bound,” Caspian said gently. “Your life is your own.”

“I never needed binding,” Treygan told him. “I’m not going to leave you again.”

Caspian gazed out the window. Treygan wondered what he was thinking, wished he could still just reach and see. He reached anyway, softly touching the nape of Caspian’s neck, fingers brushing the soft curls, as he had so often in the past. “So it’s time, then,” Caspian murmured, and then more clearly, “What Joshel said –”

Treygan’s hand froze in place, and fell as Caspian turned to look at him with serious blue eyes. “Not – not the way he put it,” Treygan replied, throat dry, voice feeling raspy. “I didn’t think you’d heard…”

“I was still linked to you,” Caspian said. “I felt your pain at the words. But you’d hidden it so long – I didn’t know what to think.”

“I’m sorry,” Treygan said wretchedly. “I never meant for you to know.”

“Why not?” Caspian asked him. “Why kiss me and then pretend it never happened? Why hide it? I could have helped!”

“Helped how?” Treygan exclaimed. “I love you without limits. I love you with everything, want to be with you in every way – how could you help with that, Caspian?” With an effort he forced back the pain; closed his eyes and took an unsteady breath. “I know you love me. But I couldn’t bear it if you allowed what I want out of – pity. I left because I thought something would drive me to kill you if I stayed… I don’t want to end up coercing you instead.”

“Why do you think it would be coercion?” Caspian asked him. “Why must you think anything between us is wrong? You told me I couldn’t love you because I was a god – but I’m human now. Doesn’t that mean I have the right to make my own choices?”

It took Treygan a moment to speak. “That sounds like what Darus said,” he managed at last.

Caspian sighed, brief ire spent. “He’s a wise man,” he said quietly. “He’ll do well at the head of the council. And I’ll do better where I can be doing something other than being coddled.”

“And I’ll be with you,” Treygan promised. “In – whatever way.” Finally, he reached for Caspian again, to smooth hair back from the hectically flushed cheek.

Caspian caught the hand and held it there, lacing the fingers with his own. “When it’s just us, maybe we can work out the details,” he said softly. “Maybe we can both find freedom.”