|The Internet Is For Porn
Author: gangrene PM
Sleepless nights and the Google search engine.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Words: 1,285 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 05-03-09 - Status: Complete - id: 2668778
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I'm bored, and it's late, and I'm so, so tired, but I can't fall asleep.
Well, I can, quite easily, but I'm not allowed to fall asleep until my 5 days are up. It's been 46 hours, and I can't really focus, and I feel bone-weary, but at least I'm not hallucinating yet. I don't think I am, anyways.
I'm bored, and I don't have classes to study for since I'm done summer school, and I'm done all of my books, and already my coordination is too shot for me to play video games, so I'm surfing the web. When I did this (that is, when I abstained from sleeping) when I was younger and a little bit weird, when I howled along to The Sex Pistols and The Clash and mooned over Kurt Cobain (even though by the time I got to High School he was dead), I would flip through Ogrish, or Rotten, or Totse or something and just waste my time.
But I can't do that anymore. Ogrish and Totse are dead and gone. Rotten is boring, mostly. None of the forum sites I frequent are being interesting in any way tonight. I don't want to bother with engaging anybody in a conversation, civil or otherwise.
"I'm bored. Goddamnit."
I slowly move my mouse over to the home page button on my browser. This takes me to Google. I idly flip through the search terms that pop up when I type the word 'whore'.
" 'Whorecraft'? Really?" It says 'whorecraft torrent', actually. I toy with the idea of downloading it, and decide that I don't need any more porn.
Porn. An idea sluggishly forms in my brain. I go to Google Images, type in the letter 'a', and wait. When the page pops up, I scroll through the five rows of images on the first page. There's a 'Snakes on a Plane' joke, a dog, and a relatively attractive man highfiving a bobcat, among other things. Cute, mostly, but not what I'm looking for
'b' comes next. I sincerely expect something disgusting (or at the very least, sexy), and the closest I get is a pudgy, Asian-esque woman giving me bedroom eyes and a redheaded cougar posing on leopard print pillows.
I don't expect anything with 'c', so my eyebrows raise when I find the first real incidence of porn. One naked brunette poses while a blonde sucks on her breast. It appears to be from a cover of a magazine. I don't enlarge the thumbnail, because, hell, they look too much like adolescent girls for it to really do anything for me.
'd': One wide-eyed (again, Asian-esque) woman with massive breasts. It's the cover of a porno DVD. Appears to come from Japan. I am surprised that they actually produce regular, non-nausea inducing smut over there.
The letters 'e' and 'f' provide me with nothing of value, so I go to 'g'. Of course an anatomical drawing of a hand stimulating the G-Spot is the first goddamned result. I shudder; cross sections of the human body always gave me the willies, and anyways, it looks goddamned painful, the way that hand's been shoved up in there. I quickly scroll down, and read a couple of captions:
"Not only do you have great g-spot ..."
"The G-spot is in the ears."
These thoroughly confuse me. As well, there's a CGI baby staring at me with accusatory eyes and a picture of Ali G holding a ring covered hand of some girl's cooch. I feel dirty.
All 'h' holds is a picture of some shirtless wrestler who probably has balls the size of peas, and 'i' has a scarrification tattoo of the word 'Jesus', as well as a picture of The Comedian, a pinup girl, and Stephen Colbert (I save these last three to my desktop, of course). 'j' has nothing, and all 'l' has is a picture from The L Word and L from Death Note. I go into 'm' with low hopes, of course, and sigh. The only thing remotely attractive is a picture of M from X-Factor, and of course she's fully clothed.
'n' comes up with near-porn, but the chick reminds me of Pamela Anderson, and anyways, she's all cowgirled up, and that's really not my thing. She looks like she's had thousands of dollars worth of cosmetic surgery, and by that I mean her face looks like plastic. I wonder what would happen if she smiled? Would the skin snap?
Back on the image results page, I notice that this is probably the fifth or sixth time I've seen a Sesame Street alphabet letter. Elmo grins out at me from inside 'n'. I feel dirty, and quickly go to 'o'. Well, holy shit, it's an elderly woman in a thong.
'p' is safe. No urine flying anywhere, no elderly folks or cartoon characters, just... P-Mate? The fuck? I click on the first picture. It's a cardboard funnel, designed to let women piss like men. How liberating. I consider ordering one so that I can go to urinals and royally fuck with people's minds, and then decide that I'll do it anyways, P-Mate or no P-Mate.
With 'q' comes the first incidence of male gay porn. Or really, the first penis at all. Nice. The boy isn't ugly, really. Looks too soft to be in the sex industry. I wonder how people can get off looking at his pretty face contort as his ass gets torn into.
'r' has got nothing but a vacuous brunette with one breast showing and with her legs pushed up. She reminds me of a Stepford Wive. I dressed up as one once, for Halloween in high school. My boyfriend and a few of our buddies dressed up as ones, too, and our group won the costume parade, notably beating the goth kids, dressed as themselves, and the cheerleaders, dressed as sexy nurses. I don't really understand why we were voted the best. I know I voted for the cheerleaders.
't' has a couple of girls engaging in a 'wet t-shirt party', though to me it looks more like they're just playing with themselves in public. 'u' is just lolcats and U-turn signs. I'm tired, still, but I'm almost done, and then I'll go, I don't know, outside or something. 'v' has a nice picture; glamour shot, pretty girl, nice bikini, nice background, and alright lighting (though you can see the photographer's shadow). I save it to my desktop, hit the back button, smile nostalgically at the V for Vendetta pictures, and go for 'w'. Lots of George Bush pictures. A few shots from that Oliver Stone biopic. Computer components.
'x' time. "No porn?!" Nothing. Nothing at all. "That's just weird."
'y' is the initial of my first name. Surprisingly, on the first page is a girl who looks rather a bit like me. I nod at her picture.
'z' has another goddamned Sesame Street alphabet picture. I've seen others, since I noticed Elmo glaring out at me some letters before, but this one, with Big Bird there just smirking. I can't look away from the void of his eyes, and I stare, and I stare...
And I pitch forward in my chair, nearly smashing my chin on the desk and coming nose to nose with the screen.
I'm going outside now.