THE DIRECTOR

A new play by Brandon Pfeltz

Cast of Characters

JOHNNY DALE, The ultimate ass-hole director. Experienced, but naive and domineering.

BARRY JONES, A young man who is playing the lead role.

JANE MILES, A fed up stage manager. Very conniving but supportive.

EMILY OBESE, Actress who falls in love with Barry.

JACOB MILL, Ensemble actor who dreams of landing a bigger part.

ERIK JESSE, Ensemble actor who is homophobic and was convinced by his sister to do the show.

NELLIE JESSE, Ensemble actress who is Erik's sister. Convinced him to do the show.

JOHNNY DALE

Welcome to the theatre. This is a temple, and I would hope that you would treat it as such. Do I really have a point by saying that? No, I supposed not, but it's what I've been saying for years now. Congratulations on being the cast of William Shakespeare's 'Macbeth'. Now, it's true that I cast you guys over some other more deserving actors, but there's a very simple reason for that. It has nothing to do with your talent, because half of you are terrible actors who will be stuck in community theatre for the rest of your lives. No, do you know what quality you have that made me cast you? Yes, Ms. Obese?

EMILY OBESE

That's Obese (pronounced ohbeesay), sir.

JOHNNY

Obese? Oh Christ, you are worse than a black woman naming her children. Listen, just because someone's name is Pajama, doesn't mean it's pronounced pajama (pronounced payjahmay). I'd suggest that you conform with the rest of the English language and pronounce your damn name like it's spelled. Now Ms. Obese, what quality sets you all apart from the more talented actors who auditioned?

EMILY

Well, could it be that you saw potential in us? You knew that they had what it takes, but you wanted a cast of unknowns that you knew you could mold us to become fantastic actors? We were a group that you could help excel and flourish?

JOHNNY

Absolutely not, you naive dumb ass. The simple fact is, that I'd screw you. I'd screw each and every one of you. So don't have a heightened sense of self regard just because you're in one of my shows. You're eye candy, nothing more. Sure, you may do an okay job, but it's pretty much just because I'd screw you. Now, let's get down to business, shall we? I'd like to introduce my stage manager, Jane Miles. Jane.

JANE MILES

Hello everyone. I've been working with Johnny for close to five years now. This will be my first show since I've been out of the mental institution. You've probably heard of me before. I was the woman who broke into city hall nude and tried to have sex with the mayor's oven. It was very painful, and hopefully those days are behind me now. When I call your name, please stand and introduce yourself. Barry Jones.

BARRY JONES

Hello, yes, that's me! Hi there everyone, my name's Barry, like the woman just said. Uh, what can I say? I'm currently single now, and looking. I've noticed that we have a few ladies in the cast, so if you'd like, I can give you my number after rehearsal. Um, perhaps I am being a bit forward about this, but if you have herpes do not hesitate to contact me, as I have both kinds and won't be effected by whichever kind you have.

JANE

Barry will be playing Macbeth.

BARRY

Oh yeah, she's right. I guess that is what she meant when she said for us to introduce ourselves. Well, yeah okay. I've been acting for about two years. I currently work at the Actor's Studio actually, although I am a janitor and not acting there yet. I haven't quite achieved that position as it were. It's funny actually, I was inspired to get into acting from my grandmother who has just been bitten by a rabid-

JOHNNY

Right, that's enough from you Barry. Believe it or not, we don't need a whole novel. Who's next, Jane?

JANE

That would be Emily Obese.

JOHNNY

Obese.

EMILY

Again, it's Obese. It's French. Hello, my name is Emily. I'm playing the role of Lady Macbeth, and this is my first work of Shakespeare. I'm really excited to get to work with you all on this. I've never done a community theatre show, just mostly things in school. I'm really excited, this is the biggest role that I've ever done. If you came to see the production of 'Beauty and the Beast' at Pace University, you may recognize me as whisk broom.

JOHNNY

What is it with you guys? Do you honestly think we care? A simple hello would have sufficed. We don't need an entire life history for God sakes. I'm extremely upset with the lack of professionalism with this cast so far.

JANE

Who's next on the list..

JOHNNY

No, it doesn't matter who's next. They aren't the leads. Get used to this kids, if you aren't a lead, then you aren't important. No one wants the ensemble's autograph, because no one cares about them. Which is exactly why no one cares that you played a whisk broom. We just don't.

JANE

But sir, isn't true that there are no small parts, just small actors?

JOHNNY

Where did you hear that load of bull shit? Of course there are small parts. I could play all of the ensemble roles in this show myself and no one would remember that I did, that's how insignificant they are. Jane, just say their names and point at them. Ensemble, let me make this clear to you. You are not to speak to me. If you do, you will be fired. You can talk to Jane, and she will tell me whatever you said. My ears won't be tainted with the likes of you. Is that understood? Hah! Just kidding! Well, I'm kidding about the addressing me point, but I was serious about you being unimportant. Jane, point to each of the ensemble members and list their names.

JANE

Jacob, Erik, and Nellie.

JOHNNY

Very good, and I am Johnny Dale. You may have seen my previous productions of Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, etc. Yes, yes it's true my production of High School Musical was rated 'Best Community Theatre Production in the County'. Thank you, I take full credit for that. As you can see, I'm very accomplished, and you'll be in good hands. As for my acting work, you may have seen my guest spots on 'Law and Order' and 'To Catch A Predator'. I've got some great ideas for this production of Macbeth, but we'll wait for tomorrow's first rehearsal to go over that. Now, for tonight, I want you to be thinking all about your character. Tomorrow, I will quiz you on your character's personality traits, background, and life. I expect answers swiftly and without hesitation. Well, that's enough for me tonight. Make sure that you all give your contact information to Jane, and I will see you tomorrow.

JANE

Everyone, I'd like to make a public apology. I don't endorse Mr. Dale's behavior in any way. Ever since he won the award for his production of High School Musical, his ego has really eclipsed his talent. Again, I'm sorry. I'd like to get to know you all though. Please don't just think of me as his lackey, or his puppet. And please, make sure that you do your character bios. He will choose to embarrass you if they're not finished. Now, what did you all think of the first rehearsal?

NELLIE

I thought it was a little weird that he told us that he would screw us all.

ERIK

Yeah, that was a little creepy. If he is planning on doing, is it going to be in front of everyone else? I mean, she's my sister and I think that would just make things awkward, you know? Plus, I'm not gay, and you know, personally I wouldn't want to ever do anything like that..

JANE

Well, Mr. Dale isn't gay either. That's what he says. He tells me that he's just a very sexual being and he doesn't care who is the outlet, take that as you will. But no, I don't think that he was being serious. Now, since Mr. Dale refused you guys an introduction, would you care to make one?

NELLIE

Sure! I'm Nellie Jesse. Two first names.. I know. I've been wanting to do theatre for a long time, but never really had the guts to audition for anything. I know that I'm just in the ensemble, and Mr. Dale said that the ensemble wasn't important, but I do feel important being in this production. It's a huge step for me to even get onto a stage, so I am thrilled to be here. It's funny actually, I didn't think that I would have the guts to do so if it weren't for my brother Erik. He said that if I beat him in a wrestling match he'd audition with me. As you can see, I won and we're here.

ERIK

Yeah well, I'm sorry that I didn't know that you were like a fricken amazon. I never intended to audition, and I figured that I wouldn't even make it if I did. I'm really only here for Nellie, and I don't really want to do the show. No offense to any of you, but I really think that theatre is for fairies.

BARRY

The little magical ones that fly around in the forest?

ERIK

Don't be a smart ass. You know what I'm talking about. Are you gay?

BARRY

No, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's not really my thing though. Once in a show I had to kiss a guy, and it was pretty awkward. The guy was actually my roommate, and I think that he got the wrong idea because some nights I'd wake up with him breathing on me with no pants on. I had to move out after that. But you know, to each his own.

NELLIE

Yeah Erik, come on. You're not any less of a man for doing this show. I mean, yeah, you'll be playing one of the witches so you'll be dressed up like a girl, but it'll be fun!

ERIK

Right, that's my idea of fun, you caught me.

JACOB MILL

Stop being an ass. You are just trying to make yourself look cooler, and you don't have to do that around here. By insulting gay people, no one is going to respect you like they would outside of this theatre. In here, it's just seen as disrespect and intolerance.

ERIK

Who are you?

JACOB

Jacob Mill. I'm a fourth year acting student, about to join the ranks of all of the other starving artists of the world. It's a little insulting that this is just some kind of inconvenience for you to be here when it's my livelihood. Listen, I know that I'm not the best actor, and I don't pretend to be. Still though, I can't shake the feeling that this is what I am supposed to be doing. It would be really nice if you wouldn't mock it.

ERIK

Well, sorry. I didn't know that you felt so strongly about it. Can we please get off the subject of me though? I feel like everyone's jumping down my throat all of a sudden.

BARRY

What made you want to get into acting, Jacob?

JACOB

Well, it's interesting. When I was a kid, I would see a lot of plays and movies, and I would always fantasize that I was in them. I had a really wild imagination, as you could probably have guessed. I would dream that I was one of those characters, and the only way to achieve that was through acting, because I knew that I would never be those things in real life. I could never achieve that. One day, I went over a friend's house and watched Forrest Gump, and I was touched. That movie really made me feel something. The way that retarded man accomplished so much made me feel so worthless. I was bawling by the end of the movie, and I really felt like we were all the retarded ones, not him. When I got home after seeing that movie, I went up to my mothers room and she was laying down on her bed. I asked her if everything was alright, because she looked like she'd been crying, her face was red, and I could tell that she'd been sweating. I was really worried about her, but she just kept smiling at me and telling me that she was alright. I had no idea what was up, because she was fine right before I left. Man, I was scared, I knew she wasn't fine. She kept telling me over and over that I needed to pursue my dreams. She knew that I wanted to be an actor, and she kept encouraging me. That's what she spent her last breath of life saying. I'd found out that she had poisoned herself earlier that day. She had essentially killed herself. I don't know why she did it, and I don't know what I did to make her life so miserable, but I knew that I would redeem myself by making her proud of me with my acting. That's why I do it.

EMILY

That's terrible.

BARRY

Wow, are you serious?

JACOB

Not at all, I'm just screwing with you guys. My mom's still alive and kicking. I just want to be famous.

Blackout, lights back up.

JANE

Damn this theatre, lights always flickering on and off. Though you know what? If this were a play, that would have been a great way to end the scene.

Blackout.

SCENE II

JOHNNY

Right then, welcome to day two of Hell. Just kidding! But seriously, this is going to be Hell. I expect everyone to give 112% at all times every time. Got it? Good. First off, I thought that I'd tell you a little about my ideas for the show. Macbeth is a common show that many many people have done. I've seen it set in modern days, old age, the ghetto, Nazi Germany, in the nude, which I quite liked, and you know, just a whole lot of different ways. I can't just do a plain version of Macbeth. My production needs spark, it needs passion, and it needs (He looks to Jane and she drum rolls on her knees) frogs. That's right, we'll be doing Macbeth as if we were all frogs.

NELLIE

What exactly do you mean by frogs, Johnny?

JOHNNY

What did you just call me? Johnny? I'm sorry random ensemble member, but the only person in this room allowed to address me by my first name is myself. The rest of you aren't talented enough to use it. Now, what do I mean by frogs? Well, just that. You'll be stationary on giant lily pads for a good portion of the play. The only human will be Macbeth, and Lady Macbeth will turn into a human at the very end of the show.

NELLIE

Sir, isn't that a bit ridiculous? I mean.. why frogs?

JOHNNY

It's a metaphor obviously. Any dunce could see that. It's symbolizes the destruction of the rain forest, and the tyrannical plot to seize absolute power by the Bush administration. Now, to get into character, I want you all to become frogs for me. Do as frogs would do, become the frogs. Live, love, and die on your lily pad.

Everyone starts to jump around and act as if they were frogs.

ERIK

I feel so stupid doing this.

NELLIE

Yeah, I can tell, your face is completely red.

JOHNNY

Frogs DON'T TALK! They ribbit. Unless you are ribbiting, your mouth shouldn't be moving. Barry! Stand up right now.

BARRY

Uh, yes sir.

JOHNNY

Barry, what did I say right at the start of this exercise?

BARRY

That you wanted us to live, love, and die on our lily pad?

JOHNNY

Yeah, but I also said that you should be giving 112%. Do you know relatively what percentage you're at right now?

BARRY

90?

JOHNNY

Not even close. No, you're around 57%. Did I say to half ass it? That's funny, because I don't think that I ever said that. You think that I won an award for High School Musical because I half assed things? No, that wouldn't get me an award at all. I'd probably get bad reviews for that.

BARRY

Come on, this is kinda stupid. This isn't helping anything, and it's only making us feel foolish.

ALL

Yeah, that's true, I agree, etc.

JOHNNY

Oh, stupid, is it? That's right. I forgot, I'm just the county wide award winning director who had an audition at Julliard once. I must have forgotten that when I learned this technique when I was an extra on the movie MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 with Tom Cruise that it was just a stupid technique. Well guess what, you're gonna drop down and give me five push ups. How's that one grab ya?

BARRY

I'm not doing push ups. What the hell do you think this is? The army? This is a show. You're not a drill instructor, you're a director and you're supposed to be helping us not making us do these bull shit excersizes.

JACOB

Actually sir, I think this is really helpful. I know that I feel like I frog when I'm jumping around on the floor. It's really helping me get into character, and I thank you for sharing your brilliance with those of us who are willing to learn.

JOHNNY

You know, I like you. I don't think it's possible to stick your nose any farther up my ass, but I like the brown-nosing. Barry, meet your understudy. Now get on the ground, give me 112%, and be a fucking frog.

JACOB

Thank you sir!

BARRY

Yeah, thanks for the pep talk..

JOHNNY

Emily, stand up. Who are you?

EMILY

Lady Macbeth.

JOHNNY

What is your favorite sexual position?

EMILY

W..what? I don't really think tha-

JOHNNY

The character, Emily, the character.

EMILY

Oh, um. I really like any position where I can be in charge really.. Macbeth is actually more of a woman in bed than I am.

JOHNNY

Good. If your skin tasted like any flavor, what flavor would that be?

EMILY

Cinnamon, no question about that. I'm a little spicy, naughty, and cinnamon really works well with that. Plus, who wouldn't want to have their own cinnamon buns?

ERIK

I'd like to have some of your cinnamon buns..

JOHNNY

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a girl who has actually done her homework. Good Emily, you can sit down. I'm proud of you. Keep it up, and there may be a community theatre award in your future. Now then, who's next? Erik, stand up. What was your favorite thing to do as a child?

ERIK

Play video games, probably.

JOHNNY

Oh really? That's funny. I wasn't aware that they actually had video games in the time that Macbeth lived? Wow, must have been hard to have those without electricity.

ERIK

Well, yeah. It was a little difficult.

JOHNNY

Do NOT take that tone with me. I just have to say. Your extreme lack of disrespect is troubling. Obviously, you've put no thought into your answers, and you didn't take this homework seriously. If you were my child, I would abuse you. Sit down.

JOHNNY (cont.)

Do you think that is easy? Do you think that it's just a rose garden that I prance through every single day? No, working with you morons is like prancing through a garden of dirty needles. You're slowly killing me by giving me all sorts of blood infections with those needles. I came into this rehearsal process very cordial, excited, and easy to work with. You've made me hate it. This is the second day, and I already regret my casting choices, and you all sicken me. Have any of you ever even directed a show before?

BARRY

Actually, I'm going to take night classes at school to become a director. I do it because I really believe that directors have the potential to be the best actors. I mean, I haven't directed a show yet, but I am going to put in to try to do so at this theatre next year and..

JOHNNY

Shut your stupid mouth! Just shut up! You're so stupid! What makes you think that you can do what I do? This is hard work. I've been working for years to be able to do what I do. You can't just waltz in and think that you can direct. You can't just direct something without any training! You need to be educated! You can't have a vision unless you go through years of schooling!

BARRY

I'm not saying it's not hard work, I'm just saying that -

JOHNNY

I don't even want to discuss it.

BARRY

Okay.

JOHNNY

Okay, let's discuss it. There are so many more people in this community who have worked harder than you, and they have taken classes and they should deserve to have a directing spot because of that, not you. Just because they've taken a class, they've earned that right. You've earned NOTHING! I am personally extremely insulted, and I take it as an attack on me. You are insulting my profession, and you are insulting my whole being. Clearly, you have lost possession of your yiddish cup. Have a great night.

Blackout.

SCENE III

JANE

Damn lights.

BARRY

What the hell was that?

EMILY

Does he have some sort of bi-polar disorder or something?

JANE

He gets like this a lot. He has these little fits of rage every now and then.

ERIK

He is such a dick.

JANE

You don't know how happy it makes me to hear all of you say things like that. I've been telling my cats how much I hate him, but they don't listen, they just meow. It's so good to actually talk to real living people about it. People who don't have fur or sand papery tongues. I hate him so much, but this is the only work as a stage manager in the area that I can get.

ERIK

Hey Jacob, nice job sucking up to him like that.

JACOB

Whatever I need to do to get ahead.

ERIK

You'd probably kill your own grandmother if it meant getting you a part.

JACOB

Who says that I already haven't?

NELLIE

Something needs to be done about this guy.

EMILY

We could kill him.

ALL

Laughing..

JANE

I'm glad that I'm not the only that's had that idea! I've been carrying around this knife for about two years planning to do it eventually! If all of you help me, there is less of a chance of getting caught!

JACOB

Jane, that's a butter knife.

JANE

I know, it'll hurt more and he'll suffer longer!

BARRY

No, guys! We're not going to kill him!

JANE

Maybe you're not.

EMILY

Well then what're we going to do? I don't know about you guys, but this show really hasn't clicked for me yet. It hasn't even felt like we're a cast. I don't feel like I really know any of you. He's making it so hard for us to come and enjoy rehearsals, and sometimes I feel like I just want to quit because of that.

NELLIE

I know what you mean. He is standing up there calling us unprofessional, yet he is the one who is ranting on about dirty needles and shouting at his cast. That's just childish. I was really apprehensive to work on this show, because I had heard of his reputation. I'd heard that he was hard to work with, and part of me thinks that I should have just stayed away knowing that. But guys, this is my first show. I don't want it to be like this! I don't know if this is the way that shows usually go, but I'm not enjoying it.

BARRY

It's not. It shouldn't have to be like this. I wish that we had a director who cared about the message and the integrity of the show instead of what awards he could win from it.

ERIK

I don't see what's so special about doing plays. If this is how he is going to treat us, why don't we all just quit?

JACOB

Because what would that be proving? That we can't take it? No, we can't quit this show. We need to stick it out.

BARRY

Jacob's right. We'll put up with him. How much worse could he really get?

JANE

You have no idea.

Blackout.

EMILY

Did someone just unzip their pants?

ERIK

Hey Emily, let's play a game call who's in my mouth.

NELLIE

You're such a pig.

Lights up.

JANE

No, you can't do that! He already hates you as it is!

BARRY

I know, but Jane, I can't be at rehearsal tomorrow.

JANE

What do you have to do that's so important? He doesn't like when people miss rehearsal.

BARRY

I need to catch a train home for my mother's birthday. Come on Jane, it's only one rehearsal.

JANE

But it wasn't on your conflict sheet!

BARRY

Well, no.. not yet. Do you still have the conflict sheets?

JANE

I think so..

BARRY

Well, would he ever know if we were to just write it in like it had been on my conflict sheet all along?

JANE

Ooh, you're a bad boy. Yes, I guess we could do that. But, if I am gonna do that for you, you have to do something for me, okay?

BARRY

What's that?

JANE

You have to spank me.

BARRY

... What?

JANE

Spank me. Please.

BARRY

Why would I do that?

JANE

Listen, I never have physical contact. I'm a kinky girl Barry, and every now and then I just need a little bit, okay? Do it, or I don't help you.

BARRY

No.

JANE

Fair enough, I'll help you.

Blackout.

Lights up.

JACOB

Do you guys really want to be stuck in the ensemble for the rest of your life?

NELLIE

No.. but you keep auditioning and eventually you'll land bigger parts, right?

JACOB

Nellie, I've seen you act. If you don't take the marbles out of your mouth when you talk, grow some bigger boobs, and develop some talent, you don't have a chance at any role bigger than a tree in the background.

NELLIE

I played a tree in my fifth grade..

JACOB

Exactly.

ERIK

Watch what you say about my sister, alright Jacob?

JACOB

Listen Erik, I'm not trying to insult her, I'm just telling her how it is. This is community theatre, it's brutal. You're playing with the big boys now.

ERIK

Wouldn't the big boys technically be Broadway?

JACOB

No man, Broadway is just fluff. This is the real hardcore shit.

ERIK

Okay, so what are you suggesting?

JACOB

Look, those lead roles need understudies. Now, I'm already Barry's understudy, but Emily is going to need one too. Nellie, considering you're the only girl here, I'd guess that the only possible understudy would be you unless the idea of being a drag queen Lady Macbeth is appealing to Erik.

ERIK

Disgusting.

JACOB

Don't knock it until you've tried it. Now, if Barry and Emily are out of the way, then we can become the leads. Erik, that would leave you to fill all of the ensemble roles. Bigger parts are certainly appealing, aren't they?

NELLIE

Well, yeah.. but we can't just get them sick or something. I mean, we can't make sure that they miss the performances.

JACOB

We could.. if we kill them.

NELLIE

No! What is up with all of the killing suggestions? This isn't a game of Clue, this is real life. We can't just go around killing people to get what we want!

JACOB

Why not?

They look around, unable to answer.

ERIK

Okay, let's do it.

Blackout.

Lights up.

EMILY

Hm, why do I suddenly feel like my life is in danger?

Blackout.

JANE

I hate working with Johnny. I hate that I keep letting myself be pushed around by him. He honestly believes that I'm his bitch! I guess that's a good analogy, considering he runs his rehearsals like we're all in a prison.

BARRY (Dressed as Jane)

Hello, Jane.

JANE

Who are you?

BARRY

I am you, you are me. I am.. she.

JANE

You are me? What do you mean?

BARRY

I am your conscious.

JANE

Does my voice really sound that low?

BARRY

I have a cold.

JANE

Why do I look like I weigh so much more than-

BARRY

Listen, don't question me! I am your conscious, okay? Jeeze, have some damn respect.

JANE

Okay, well what do you want?

BARRY

What I want.. is what you want.

JANE

Well obviously, if you are me then you want what I want. But, what do I want?

BARRY

You want to kill Johnny.

JANE

Yeah, I do!

BARRY

Well, no! You can't do that. I'm supposed to be a good angel, I'm supposed to convince you not to want to kill him. Since when has the taking of a human life ever been justified.

JANE

Would you want to kill a man that gave you the nick name small pox? Would you want to kill someone who constantly steals your car for days at a time and returns it with cocaine and dead hookers in the car? I wouldn't want someone like that to live, would you?

BARRY

No, I guess not. Gee, did he really do all of those things?

JANE

No! But do we really want to sit around and wait for him to do them?

Barry takes off his wig and dress.

BARRY

Okay look Jane, honestly. You can't do this. You can't even think it.

JANE

You're not me at all! You've got a penis! Barry, what are you doing in a dress?

BARRY

Trying to convince you not to go through with your plan. I saw you grab a knife when you fixed that contact sheet for me. Look, killing another person isn't right, there are ways to get past our problems. If we just killed everyone who made us angry, there wouldn't be any makeup sex, now would there?

JANE

I've never had sex with a living thing.

BARRY

...

JANE

Ugh, you're right. I can't kill him. I'd go to prison. I couldn't handle that life.

BARRY

Good, then hand over your weapons.

Jane pulls out two knives.

JANE

Hey you're an actor, react to this!

She pulls out a grenade.

BARRY

You know, sometimes you really freak me out.

Blackout.

Scene V

JOHNNY

Now, I'm sure that you all already know how disappointed I am in you. I tell you every time we rehearse, so there is no need for me to go over it again. However, I have noticed a lack of skill among the cast. Therefore, I've taken the liberty of preparing a monologue today to show you how a true actor acts.

JACOB

What show is it from, sir?

JOHNNY

Show? Hah, that's funny. No, there isn't a show with a monologue good enough for one like me to recite. Instead, I've written my own monologue. You'll find it in a class of its own, above the likes of Tennessee Williams, and that hack Mamet.

ERIK

What's it from?

JOHNNY

What's it from.. what's it..

EMILY

Do you write your own shows?

JOHNNY

What do you think? Of course I do. In fact, I've written a show with a part perfect for you. It's a retarded squirrel. I think you could draw on your real life experiences for that role.

Johnny laughs to himself.

Ever heard of a little system called the Stanislavsko method of acting? Yeah, it's something that the pros like me study. Stanislavsko created this thing called sense memory. It's where you have the ability to cry, whenever you sense a memory coming on. Pretty helpful, right? Watch as I put the technique into use. He taught it to all of the great actors like Marlon Brando, Edward Norton, Al Pacino, and Oprah. Observe the artist at work. This is a piece that I wrote called, “Momma, put down the crack pipe,”

Momma.. why didya have to hit me momma? I gave you all the money that I had, I bought you all the crack rock I could. You said that man with the cane and bright colored suit was my new daddy, so why were you calling him your daddy too? I'm just a little girl momma! I'm scared of this world! I need your help! I need your guidance! Put down the crack pipe, I want to learn to knit momma! What's that there on your nose? What is that white stuff? Is it sugar? Have you been eating powdered sugar? It doesn't taste like sugar! You look so blue, you're as blue as my little dress! Your skin is so thin, it feels like parchment. Why aren't you waking up? Momma wake up. Hold me momma, hold me like you used to after you beat me. Hold me momma, wake up!

And that, my children, is how you act.

They applaud.

Music to my ears. You know, the best part of a performance is the applause, any actor will tell you that. We don't do it for the craft, the art, or anything else. That's all just a load of bullshit. The real satisfaction is the praise and the applause.

JACOB

Well said sir!

BARRY

Oh yeah, that was great.

JOHNNY

Barry, once again you find yourself on thin ice. Push too hard, and that thin ice will break. Soon, you'll find yourself swimming in a pool of frozen water. It'll be so cold that you can't swim, so you'll drown. Watch it. Now, I'm going to go apply some more powder to the one eyed-dragon. You're all free to leave, the rehearsal is over.

Johnny exits, the rest start to head out.

NELLIE

Hey Emily, could you hang around for a minute, I need to talk to you.

EMILY

Sure, what's up?

NELLIE

Well, it's just.. a few of the other cast members have been.. plotting against you.

EMILY

What do you mean by plotting?

NELLIE

Like, trying to kill you.

EMILY

What!? Who would want to kill me!?

NELLIE

Erik, he was talking about trying to get you and Barry out of the picture so that he and I could be the leads. Honestly, my brother and I thought that he was kidding, but then he started bringing in all of these business cards for hit men, and reading all of these gun magazines. He even said he wanted a hummer too because it can easily crush two naked humans having sex. I don't know why he assumed that you would be naked and having sex, well, I mean... yeah, you would have to be naked to have sex, but I didn't know why you would even be having sex in the -

EMILY

This is so stereotypical!

NELLIE

What?

EMILY

Well, look! Do you see any black people in this cast? No. In the line of deaths in all of those horror movies and things like that, the black guy always gets killed first. Seeing as how we don't have a black guy, the next logical choice would be the blond. Guess who has blond hair? That dick head is so racist.

NELLIE

You mean, you're not scared of him?

EMILY

Scared? Come on. I have bigger balls than he does, and mine aren't very big at all. He's not going to do anything.

NELLIE

Okay, but just.. keep your eyes open! I don't want anything to happen to you. I mean, we've been through a lot, and I feel like I've known you for years. We've really got a chance to get close and bond, we're almost like sisters. I.. I would really miss you if you were murdered.

EMILY

We've only known each other for three days.

NELLIE

That's all it takes.

Nellie leans in for a kiss. Emily pulls away, looking shocked.

NELLIE

Woah, sorry! For a moment there, I thought I might be a lesbian!

Blackout.

Scene VI

JACOB

(Shouting to offstage)

Yes! I'll keep that in mind! Thank you sir! I would personally wipe your ass just to feel some of your talent on my body. Sir? Sir?

Barry walks in.

Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?

BARRY

Johnny asked me to come by, said he had something to talk to me about. I think that he's going to fire me.

JACOB

Seriously!? That means that I'll get the lead role!

BARRY

Haha, not at all. You should have seen your face! You looked like a fat kid who'd just found a piece of candy in his belly button.

JACOB

You asshole. You know man, you're really trying my patience. You may have the role right now, but I promise you, at the end of the production, you won't.

BARRY

Are you threatening me?

JACOB

Maybe so, what're you gonna do about it?

BARRY

I'll punch you in the taint.

JACOB

The what?

BARRY

You know, the taint. 'taint quite your balls and 'taint quite your ass.

JACOB

Ugh, you are so crass.

Jacob exits.

Johnny is sitting at a desk upstage left. A spotlight is on him as he dances and sings to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5. He is really getting into it as Barry enters.

BARRY

Johnny?

JOHNNY

Woah! Woah, man! What the hell are you doing!? Why are you here??

BARRY

You asked me to come, we have an appointment.

JOHNNY

The only person that I have an appointment right now is Dolly! .. And you, sit down.

BARRY

What was Jacob doing in here?

JOHNNY

Talking about how he's going to play your role.

BARRY

W.. what do you mean?

JOHNNY

He keeps assuming that your going to die before the production is over. I told him not to get his hopes up. Honestly, this doesn't leave us, but I hate that little shit.

BARRY

You hate him? I thought that you guys were BFF?

JOHNNY

BFF? Where did you get that idea?

BARRY

Probably from this text that he sent me. “LOL GUYS! BARRY AND I ARE BFFS!”

JOHNNY

I can't stand that guy! He's up my ass more than a g-string. Always bugging me about how many more lines he can get, what shows I'm doing next, how he should off you, things like that.

BARRY

How he should off me?

JOHNNY

Yeah, he keeps making jokes about how he's going to kill you. Truth is, even if the guy did kill you, I wouldn't give him the role. But listen Barry, the role is what I needed to talk to you about. You've really gotta step it up.

BARRY

Here we go again man. I don't know what you mean, step it up. I've been trying my hardest out there.

JOHNNY

Oh bull, don't give me that. You always come to rehearsals looking unhappy. Half the time you seem like you don't even want to be here.

BARRY

Gee, I wonder why.

JOHNNY

What do you mean by that?

BARRY

What do you think I mean? I mean you! You're an ass hole! You know that? Everyone in this production is seriously fed up with you and all your crap. I've come so close to quitting so many times, but I don't want to be that, I don't want to be the guy who gave up when it got too hard. You know? I don't want to be a quitter.

JOHNNY

Then why is that exactly what you're doing? You're phoning it in. Every time I see you now at rehearsals, you're not doing your best. You say you don't want to be a quitter, yet that's exactly what you've done. You've given up on your fellow actors.

BARRY

Are we done? Can I go now?

JOHNNY

Go ahead, walk out that door.

BARRY

Why are you such a dick to me?

JOHNNY

Because I know that you can do it! Barry, listen to me. You have talent, okay? You have a whole lot of talent, and I know that you can do better than what you've been doing. I don't yell at the other actors nearly as much because they really just don't have what it takes. You though.. you have so much potential. I just don't want it to go to waste. You are too good to let that happen.

BARRY

You really mean that?

JOHNNY

Absolutely Barry, really. I've seen a lot of guys like Jacob who think that they are hot shit, but they really are sadly mistaken. I'll tell you what, the worst actor is the actor that takes himself seriously. Jacob is so wrapped up in his own ego that he isn't able to see that the talent isn't there. That's sad. It's very pathetic, and I pity someone who takes themselves so seriously and barks out advice and orders, when they are really just making themselves look like a fool.

BARRY

It's just.. I've always thought that you hated me. You were so mean to me, and it really brought me down at rehearsals. I've been so fed up with things to even care about the show, and it's only been four days now. I'm sorry if you feel like I wasn't giving enough.

JOHNNY

Don't apologize, I know that I can be a little headstrong. Just show me that I wasn't wrong in giving you this role.

BARRY

Do you think you were?

JOHNNY

If I did, would we be having this conversation?

BARRY

Thanks.

JOHNNY

Don't thank me, just prove me right. Got anything you want to say to me?

BARRY

Stop being such an ass.

JOHNNY

Yeah, I guess I should work on that a bit.. Barry, wait. Can I tell you something?

BARRY

Sure.

JOHNNY

I didn't really win an award for High School Musical.

BARRY

What are you talking about?

JOHNNY

Yeah.. I just made it one day out of macaroni art. I just felt that if people thought that I had won awards, I would be taken a little more seriously. That's silly, huh?

BARRY

Johnny, if you were the same guy out there on the stage that you were with me in here, you wouldn't need any fake award.

JOHNNY

Well, what's different about me in here?

BARRY

You're human.

Blackout.

JOHNNY

Welcome to yet another day of rehearsal everyone.

ERIK

Wait! I have something to say.

JOHNNY

...Yes?

ERIK

Oh nothing. I just felt like I haven't had a line in a while.

JOHNNY

Sit down, you idiot.

ERIK

Yes sir.

JACOB

If anyone has anything to say, it's me.

JOHNNY

Oh God, what now?

JACOB

As you all know, I am Barry's understudy. If he's dead, that means I get his role.

JOHNNY

That's usually how it works.

BARRY

The only problem there, being that I'm not dead and don't plan to die any time soon.. so, yeah, sorry.

EMILY

Look out! He just pulled his penis out of his pants!

ERIK

No!

NELLIE

That's not his penis! It's a blow gun!

JACOB

Say goodbye to your role, and your life!

JANE

That was terribly cliche!

JOHNNY

Jane, hit it!

Jacob blows the dart and Jane goes over to a stereo and hits the button. All of the lights darken except for a spotlight on Johnny. He runs in slow motion in front of Barry, and is hit by the dart. He falls. All the while, Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 is playing from the stereo. It fades after he has died.

EMILY

You killed him!

BARRY

You ass hole!

JACOB

I didn't mean to!

ERIK

How could you not mean to? You aimed it and shot it!

JACOB

Yeah, but I meant to kill Barry!

ALL

Oh, okay, etc.

NELLIE

Wait, you still tried to kill someone.

BARRY

Yeah, me! That's not cool at all dude.

JANE

There is a dead body on the ground!

JACOB

I'm sorry!

ERIK

Sorry doesn't cut it.

NELLIE

We should cut him.

JACOB

Don't cut me.

JANE

There is a dead body on the ground!

ALL

We heard you the first time.

JANE

Well, I'm sorry. Just in case anyone hadn't noticed!

BARRY

You're gonna pay for that!

Barry charges at Jacob, grabbing the blow gun, and shooting a dart at him, killing Jacob on the spot.

EMILY

Wow, that sure was resolved fast.

NELLIE

This is terrible! Two people are dead! Are we going to get to put on the show!?

ERIK

Listen. I haven't had much to say, let me say this. Throughout this show, I've complained, I've bitched, and I've been a real jerk. But now as the dead bodies of our cast member and director lay lifeless on the ground, I've realized something. The theatre isn't just for a bunch of losers. It's fun to do theatre. I like it. If that makes me gay, then so be it.

EMILY

It doesn't.

ERIK

What?

EMILY

Liking guys makes you gay, not theatre.

ERIK

Oh.

Kisses Emily.

BARRY

Everyone, something very important happened here today. Today, we lost a great man who gave his life for me. Johnny Dale was a famed community theatre director. He touched me in more ways then I know how to say. Sometimes he made me uncomfortable, sometimes I disliked it, but there were times when I really learned a lot and enjoyed it and you all may have felt that way, because he touched each and every one of you as well. But the fact remains that this man changed us all. He showed true dedication to his actors, so much that he gave his life for one of them. He'll always be remembered as a good man, and a talented director. I will miss Johnny Dale. He was not as much as an ass hole as you may think.

NELLIE

That was beautiful.

EMILY

Honestly breathtaking.

ERIK

It made me want to orgasm.

JANE

He can burn in Hell. Let's go get ice cream!

Blackout.

CURTAIN.