The Oddity: A Modern Parody of the Odyssey

Tell of the tale of a 17 year-old boy who is almost perfect both inside and out! Tell of the heroic boy’s adventures to Europe, where, despite his one weakness (girls), he manages to emerge unscathed and faithful to his loyal girlfriend, Pamela. Oh, the hero and how he suffered, unable to flirt with any girls on the way! But valiantly he fought in the garbage war in Europe before getting hopelessly lost in unknown lands, and because of his strength and cunning, he is now honored among the greatest of gods, and is revered as a legend passed down from generations to generations.

The tale begins on an unusually warm autumn day. That morning, leaves from a great oak tree fluttered down in an almost rhythmic pattern outside the school building. The clouds were very healthy-looking and puffy; all that was seen of the sun was a single beam of light. The wind spiraled a few leaves from a nearby tree upward, and one flew down into the window of a hallway where Odditious had been passing by right at that moment. The beam of light from the sun seemed to be directly aimed at him as he bent down to pick up the pretty reddish-brown leaf.

Odditious appreciated the warm looks he was receiving from the other students as he bent down for the leaf, but he didn’t acknowledge any of them. Of course, he was so popular that he didn’t really need to pretend he didn’t notice, but he pretended anyway.

“Oh my god, there’s Odditious!” squealed a nearby girl. Her hair, previously gathered up in a high neat ponytail, had suddenly exploded due to her excitement and thrill of seeing Odditious in the hall. Odditious examined her wavy hair with a critical eye. “He’s so awesome! You won’t believe the things I hear about him! I hope he’ll go out with me!”

“You said his name wrong!” snapped a blonde girl with square-shaped spectacles passing in the same direction. He studied her acne-free face carefully. “It’s pronounced: Odd-i-scious! Get it right! He’ll never go out with you if you can’t say his name right!”

“Huh!” A pretty brunette stopped to glare at them. Odditious eyed her figure up and down avidly while she was preoccupied with glaring at the other girls. “As if he’d go out with any one of you guys! Remember that this is the guy who can bounce a football and catch it! Don’t make me laugh!”

At this rude comment, the blonde girl with glasses screeched out a terrific war cry and lunged at the brunette. The first girl, after a few seconds of hesitating, proceeded to join in with long nails sheathed. There was a horrible crash as the brunette was attacked viciously by the two girls, both of whom decided to then turn against each other. Odditious paused in his cool strut to watch as the blonde girl and the fan girl defensively circled around each other in what he believed was an ancient tribal preparation for an attack.

Odditious, feeling as if he could no longer ignore the flattering but out-of-hand attention, held up his hands in a gesture of peace. “Girls, girls,” he began, “Let us be calmed. Do not fight over one as gorgeous as me; keep in mind that you lovely ladies are gorgeous in your own spectacular way, I’m sure. However, bloodshed would not be worth it, especially since I have a girlfriend who is far more superior in every possible way than you pretty girls. So please don’t point accusing fingers at one another, and why don’t we all sit down and have a pleasant chat about how great I am?”

And the girls sat there, marveling over how well his amazing words were said… or they would’ve been doing so if he had been able to deliver this beautiful speech in the first place. Unfortunately, before he was able to say any of that, there was a gentle warmth on his cheek and he looked down to see his girlfriend Pamela tiptoeing to kiss him.

Her timing was marvelous. The girls’ jaws dropped incredulously as they enviously watched Pamela, who smoothly wrapped her arms around Odditious’ neck. Odditious gazed down appreciatively over his girlfriend’s fine features, and was surprised to see a tiny smirk cross her face as she glanced at the three girls, who looked as if they were about to run across with a sharp piece of glass and murder her right there. Luckily for Pamela, Odditious was there, so they merely stammered out a few incomprehensible words and scampered to their classes, belongings forgotten. He picked it up and took it for himself.

As soon as they were out of sight, Pamela pushed herself away from Odditious and folded her arms across her chest sternly. “Why does this happen every morning, my dear boyfriend?” she said. “If I hadn’t intervened, the winning girl would’ve thrown herself all over you. And you probably would’ve tolerated it too.”

“That’s not true,” Odditious protested, but before he had the opportunity to tell her about the long speech he was going to say before she interfered, she interrupted, “And don’t give me some bull about a long mental speech you prepared in your head. That’s your same excuse every single morning.”

But just as Odditious summoned his cunning for a better answer, the bell rang. And Courage gave him the strength to run for it.

That was a normal day for Odditious. A few girls would fight over him, his girlfriend would get pissed, and he would run for it. He could brave any challenges, face any dangers, fight to death against anything… but girls. That was his only weakness in his flawless self – or at least, the only flaw he could think of.

A couple of girls giggled as they passed by Odditious, who was leaning against the school building, waiting for his girlfriend. He looked very cool when he was bored, and he knew it. Sighing as he checked his watch again, he decided to quickly spray himself with some cologne he had in his backpack. It was strange musky-smelling cologne, but he liked it. He knew that Pamela liked it too.

His life ran in the same routine forever, and it didn’t seem very likely that it’d ever change. He yawned before ruffling his hair in a thoughtful way.

“Ooh! That’s hot!”

Odditious turned around quickly, only to find himself face-to-face with a green-eyed goddess. Her face looked inhumanely beautiful, as if she had been sculpted from marble. She was leaning forward a little, gauging for Odditious’ reaction. Her nose was delicately wrinkled, and Odditious wondered if her nose was naturally that way or if she smelled something gross.

The goddess sniffed. “What’s that smell?” she asked before straightening herself up in a more dignified position. “It smells kind of… dusty and smelly. Like a bunch of guys sweating after a workout.”

Odditious hid his personal cologne behind his back. “Uh… nothing. Who are you?”

The green-eyed goddess looked rather indignant. “Do you not know who I am?” she demanded. Odditious, clueless, shook his head. “I am Courage, the green-eyed daughter of Zeus. Noble Odditious, who once fought valiantly for a bucket of ice cream, I come here to send you to France. There is a garbage war going on in the heart of Paris, and only you can save the native Parisians.”

“What?” Odditious cried aloud. “Why France? I heard that everything over there is too expensive.”

Courage peered down at him with stern eyes.

“Are you questioning me?” she demanded. Odditious cringed. The green-eyed goddess’ eyes flashed white, and the glow surrounding her had suddenly taken a much darker aura. “I expected much better from you than this, princely Odditious. But you seem very reluctant. Why is this? I can get rid of any obstacles that get in your way.” She flexed her fingers, and Odditious thought he’d better not mention Pamela.

Odditious scratched his head awkwardly. “Um, thanks, but that won’t be necessary, Courage. Isn’t there any other way to get out of this? I know I’m brave and smart and all, but I’d rather not get involved in a garbage war. It sounds very petty.”

“Does the fact that this is your fate not encourage you to go?” Courage asked, her green eyes bewildered. When Odditious shook his head, she said, “Ah… I see. Well, that’s too bad for you.” She shrugged, seemingly nonchalant, before adding with a gleam in her eyes, “France has a lot of pretty girls.”

Odditious’ eyes bulged out at these words. “What?!” he roared, quickly digging through his bag to fetch whatever he’d bring for the trip, “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier? Now there’s no way that I’m NOT going! Paris, here I come!”

Author's Note: This was done as a project assignment in English class. It's a complete parody, but I skipped over the parts that I thought was boring.