The Oddity: A Modern Parody of the Odyssey

Courage had transported Odditious directly to Pamela’s house. He could recognize the distinctive Greek style architecture Pamela’s house had. The first thing Odditious saw as he headed for the backyard was a pimply teenager boy handing Pamela a bouquet of roses. Odditious quickly hid behind the door. Pamela shook her head sadly, and sighed dramatically.

“Alas! I cannot accept your offer. My dear boyfriend, Odditious, is still alive out there, somewhere in the world!”

“But Pamela,” the suitor protested, “He’s been gone for twenty days! How about giving us a try? Eh?” The other boys surrounding him nodded and there was a loud clamor of agreement. Odditious gripped his bat tightly, his knuckles turning white with the effort. Suddenly, Odditious had a cunning plan. He hastily opened the door. It creaked a little, but everybody was too intent on the scene ahead to notice. He rolled the bat towards Pamela before closing the door quietly.

Pamela gasped. “Ah! That’s the baseball bat I made for my dear Odditious! I thought he took it with him, wherever he went. Perhaps not. Well then… whoever yields this Hello Kitty baseball bat correctly I will go out with!”

Antonio, a boy that Odditious vaguely recognized from school, stepped up. He was burly, and had curly chestnut brown hair. Underneath the puff of curly hair was a face of a bulldog. Odditious knew that Pamela would never love him.

Antonio lifted up the bat arrogantly. Confidently, he gestured for Pamela to throw the baseball. She prepared herself, but somebody suddenly called out:

“Wait! We need a target!”

“How about we use Odditious’ face?” Somebody else suggested. There were peals of laughter, and the boys drew a crude imitation of Odditious’ handsome face on a sheet of notebook paper. Odditious was appalled and furious, but he checked his own reflection just to make sure he didn’t really look like that.

Antonio grinned and waggled his behind enthusiastically. “Come on, Pamela!” he yelled impatiently. “Throw the freakin’ ball!” Odditious would’ve never spoken so rudely to Pamela.

However, when she threw the ball, he found himself unable to hit the ball. Pamela, who had been a chalky white color the entire time he was up, turned back to her normal color. She now looked confident that no boy would be able to yield Odditious’ weapon. “Next!” she called.

At this point, Odditious opened the door and walked to Pamela. “My turn,” he said in an impressive voice. He snatched the baseball bat away from Antonio.

The ball seemed to move in slow motion at him. With a loud “ping!” he whacked the ball away and it hit Antonio straight in the face. Antonio yelped in pain and outrage.

But the ball did not stop here. The baseball, defying the force of gravity and the laws of physics, continued on and hit all the suitors in the face one-by-one. Each one of them were knocked out in a matter of seconds.

“How did you do that?” asked Pamela, amazed. But there was no time to answer; the friends of each suitor emerged from the bushes where they had been hiding. They lunged out at Odditious, who, with his awesome power and strength and size, knocked out each one of them with a punch.

By the time he was done, there were many knocked-out bodies in Pamela’s backyard. Odditious looked at Pamela expectantly. She merely stared at him in amazement.

There was a long silence suspended in the air, but just before Odditious could not stand it any longer, Pamela threw herself in his arms.

“Odditious,” she sobbed heartbreakingly, burying her face in his chest, “Welcome home.” Odditious held her and looked around at the damage he had done. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t seem that big after all he had gone through.

“Thank you, Pamela,” said noble Odditious. He picked up the Hello Kitty baseball bat that had saved him so many times, and tucked it into his pants. “I’m just glad to be back.”

Author's Note: Finally, the end! Can you tell I was just so GLAD to be done with this project? I really rushed through it...