when i think of beauty

when i think of beauty

i hear the click-click-click of my grandmother's heels.

her pink lipstick on wrinkled lips,

from which springs a hesitant

"do you like what i'm wearing?"

the question resounding of a teenage girl

desperate for attention

the moment of apprehension

before the compliment makes her beam,

and later:

eyes shining in conversation

hands wildly gesticulating,

voice dancing

is what i think of

when i think of beauty.

when i think of beauty

i smell my mother's j'adore dior perfume.

mixed in with hairspray, conditioner and the dusty smell of rarely-worn velvet.

my mother in a ballgown, glamorous and gorgeous,

letting me zip up her dress and approve of her outfit,

and still taking time

to hassle me about school work

and college choices

and the perpetual mess of my room.

understated elegance

loving reminders and

dinner left out for me in the kitchen

is what i think of

when i think of beauty.

when i think of beauty

i taste vanilla-roisbos tea, brownies and chickpea curry.

my best friends, in pajamas, no make-up

on sleepy friday nights

drained from the week, silences longer than conversations

a comfortable hum over food and movies.

stretching out on a bed,

noses nearly touching

breaths mingling

not much left to say

as the world spins on without us for the night.

blooming zits and shadows under eyes

laughter, hugs and now-familiar smells

the strength of mutual, silent understanding

is what i think of

when i think of beauty.

when i think of beauty

i feel sticky palms and silky puffs of hair.

children, babies, arms wide open

as they wrap themselves around me

gurgling laughter, dirt and spit up

a baby's wide eyes when he spots me

buck-toothed, dimpled smiles and shifty giggles

at being allowed to stay up past bedtime

and mom will never have to know.

milky smells and rich, loud laughter

soft skin and band-aid cover knees

and tiny heads buried in my shoulder

is what i think of

when i think of beauty.

when i think of beauty i see

so much more than gloss and glamor

so much more than high-end retail

so much more than you'd even consider

so much more than you would even see

if you ever thought of what i think of

when i think of beauty.