Dear Baby,

The first time I stood in front of John naked, I don’t think he had ever seen a nude woman before. I want you to know. It seems important, in the grand scheme of things, but I suppose now it just seems a little off. If you think that’s bad, Baby, I want you to know that you’re not going to like me very much.

Standing before John, completely nude, full frontally, we didn’t really know what we were doing. He didn’t, anyways. And I was angry at myself that I wasn’t thinking straight. That’s my excuse, anyways, and seeing as to how I’ve stuck with it this long I might as well continue sticking with it. John hadn’t seen a naked woman before, let alone me, so as he sat there, on the edge of his bed with his shoes tidied neatly by his bedside, I could see the look in his eyes. It was a look of curiosity, but mostly fear. John was afraid that night as he lost his virginity to me.

I was afraid too, though. No one else but you knows that, Baby. I think it’s wise we keep that between just the two of us. I’m not even sure God knows. If He does, He hasn’t had very much to say on it. I was afraid because when I had been in John’s bathroom, I was taking a pregnancy test. It had come back positive.

Now, Baby, you should know that I wasn’t the smartest girl. Hell, I’m still not, but in the time it took for that pink plus sign to show up on that stick I had come up with a plan better than any I’d ever used to cheat on any high school test with. When I came out of John’s bathroom nude, I licked my lips and promised myself that I’d set myself straight. I’d get on the good track in life and forget all of the things that weren’t alright. I’d forget everything. This is what I was thinking of when I was having sex with John.

He wasn’t a good kisser. There was nothing in his kisses that made me want more. His kisses were soft and simple, like him. I tried keeping my eyes closed while we kissed and had sex, thinking that’s what people in love were supposed to do, but I couldn’t stop staring at the bathroom light shining in on us.

He and I weren’t in love; not in the way we were supposed to have been, anyways. He’d been my best friend for years and would only see the good in me. He didn’t bother with all of the bad that there was. I loved him as much as I love Rick, your uncle, my brother. Which means I love him, but in a way that I could never be physically attracted to him.

He lasted six minutes, including kissing time. For a good portion of the night we laid together in his bed. John held me comfortably in his arms and I cried quietly to myself, hoping that he wouldn’t wake up. I snuck out of his bed at some point in the night and went and sat on his front porch. I cried for so long and so much that I think I’ll never be able to cry that much again. Eventually he came out and sat down with me. He asked me if it was him that was making me cry. I told him, “No.” But I don’t think he believed me. I don’t think I believed myself.

As you might have guessed, Baby, John wasn’t the first man I had sex with. I’m not really sure what number he was, to be honest. I can’t remember a lot of my nights and things could have happened. The first man I’d had sex with, though, was with a man named Troy. He was handsome and always smirked. I think that was why I liked him. The first place I’d had sex was in the backseat of his Taurus. I remember that Troy still smirked even then. I was fifteen and he was nineteen and he carried condoms in his glove box. I had just thought that was as cool as anything.

When you’re older I don’t want you to have sex in the back of a car with some one that you barely really know. The sex was great, sure, but I don’t talk to Troy anymore. Although we never really did talk . . . but we don’t see each other anymore. I want you to value the person who you lose your virginity to, Baby. Okay?

The next man I had sex with was named Nathan and he was one of those pretty boys. Once I got to know him, though, I found out he wasn’t so pretty. He came from money; his grandparents had been oil tycoons, and Nathan hadn’t worked for an honest day’s pay in his life. That hadn’t really mattered to me at the time. What mattered to me was that he thought I was nice to look at. That was why I liked Nathan.

By the time that I had met Nathan, he’d gotten bored with the rich lifestyle. He’d done everything I had ever dreamed of doing: going to distant places, tasting exotic foods, and spent money like it grew on trees. I know this sounds vain, Baby, but this was one of the most enticing things I have ever come across in my miserable life. Having that kind of power and being that used to it was just so alluring . . . even after I learned about what Nathan did for kicks I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I wanted that lifestyle.

A few months before I’d met Nathan, he’d gotten involved in the coke business. He didn’t do it for the money, although he always worked the deals hard; he did it for the thrill. Only every now and then would he actually shoot up and when he did and I was with him, he’d let me shoot up too. The first time I was hesitant. “Cocaine? Me? No, I’ll pass,” I would say. But then I saw how happy he was with it and when he had just done some, he seemed to love me more than when he was sober. After awhile I began to think that I would love him as much as he did me if I shot up. And so I did.

I don’t care what other people say, Baby. What coke does is like nothing else. Being on that was better than anything I had experienced before in my crummy life. It was better than sex. But having sex while high was twice as good. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

The first time was intense. Nathan and I made love more passionately than we ever had before. We were everywhere and nowhere. He were rolling around in the clouds, our bodies’ one, and rolling around in the flames of hell simultaneously. That alone was possibly one of the single greatest feelings I’ve felt in my entire life.

When we came crashing down, I thought I’d be okay. I knew I wanted that feeling again, but I thought that I could control it. I thought I could control how often I shot up. And for awhile I did. Only every now and then when Nathan offered would I say, “Sure, babe,” and get the good stuff. He and I both liked me high. I was more open to his needs and I knew that he was more in love with me. That was all that really mattered.

At night I began to not sleep. My body began getting colder and I grew thinner and thinner. I was okay with being smaller; what girl wouldn’t want that after all? But running on little to no sleep was wearing me out and always being cold forced me to dress oddly for the seasons. Of course the clothes came off when I was with Nathan, but until then I was still cold. I began to crave the good stuff night and day; sometimes it was the only reason I even saw Nathan. I wanted to feel good again. I wanted to feel warm.

You’ll meet my brother Rick, your uncle, soon, Baby. He was always a nice guy and I love him. He would help me when I came home too high to be considered normal around mom and dad. Wow, mom and dad are your grandparents. I bet they’re feeling old now. Anyways, Rick would always tuck me into bed before my parents could see me. He made sure that I was alright and watched over me. One morning I had found him in my bed with me, cuddled closely, to make sure that I was warm.

One day I found Nathan in his pool house with another girl. She was younger than me and pretty, but I didn’t really care. I had stood in the door way for only a minute, their eyes on me and mine on theirs, before I told him that I was going to shoot up and asked if they cared to join me. They did and I could tell that the girl he was with hadn’t tried the good stuff before, so I paid close attention to how Nathan handled her.

He was nice and caring, not forceful at all. I found that funny, because lately he had been getting rough with me. He didn’t ask for sex knowing that I would cave in; he demanded it. He was so sweet and gentle with her that I shot up more than what I normally did and passed out. When I came to I was alone. I found them together, lying quietly on his bed asleep.

I still came back to him for drugs. I didn’t know who else supplied them in town and I sure as hell wasn’t willing to take my chances by asking around. One night he told me that I was using more than him and his friends combined. He said that I needed to start paying. I just found it funny that he didn’t consider me a friend anymore.

Now Baby, you need to remember that I was still young. Hell, I was just a kid, really. I still am. But I couldn’t ask mom and dad for money, and I didn’t know what else to do. Withdrawals are worse than anything I wish you to ever know, Baby. It’s like losing everything and getting nothing back. But what you’re losing is your soul. Mostly it just hurts like hell, though. So I did what I had to so as to get what I needed and avoid that aching feeling.

It was three weeks before I found one of Nathan’s friends and got him to score some for me. He had a price, one that wasn’t cash, and to tell you the truth I didn’t blink twice when he told me his terms. He and I both had needs and we were willing to pay up front to get them taken care of. I think his name was Mark, but he wasn’t the first one this happened with. Eventually he got bored with me and I had to move on to somebody else. I didn’t really care, though. Just so long as I got my fix everything in the world was fine.

And this is how I’ve landed here with you, Baby. That’s why I had stood in front of John naked with my used, positive, pregnancy test in the trash bin of his bathroom. That’s why I had sex with John, because I didn’t know who the father really was. My plan was to screw John and let him think that you were his baby. But Baby, I’m worried. You won’t have his eyes or his smile or his quite nature. I know he’ll still love you, but will other people buy my trick? For yours and mine sake, I hope so.

Since I found out about you I’ve been trying to lay off of the good stuff. I want you to know that this is as hard as anything I’ve ever done. Between the cravings and the hormones, a fix is really what I could use right about now. And I’ll be honest. I haven’t been the best girl. Well, I guess I’m not just a girl anymore. I’m a mother now. Wow, I’m a mother. Did you ever think this would happen? I sure as hell didn’t. But I have shot up a couple of times since I’ve known about you. I’m sorry, but you’ll be okay, right? You won’t have any brain damage or deformities? Even if you do I guess it doesn’t really matter. You’ll be who you’ll be and I can only hope that you won’t make the same mistakes I’ve made.

But I want you to know something about me, Baby; in case I don’t get to know you myself. The doctor says that I should come out okay if he cuts me open. But I think he’s lying. I think he’s just saying that to make himself feel better. Plus I have this feeling. Maybe it’s paranoia – I don’t know. But I know that I’m not going to come back alright if I do let them cut me open to get you out. And my body’s too weak for a normal delivery, so basically I guess you’re just stuck in here, in my belly, for the rest of your life; for the rest of my life.

I’m not sorry if my telling you of my sexual experiences, drug use, or thoughts in general if they’ve upset you. I want you to know something about me and there’s really no separating the good from the bad. I wouldn’t change any of it, though; not one thing. Because if I hadn’t done all of that I wouldn’t have you. And though you’re just a tiny little thing now, I’m feeling something for you – something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I think that this is what people call love, but I could be mistaken. I’m not the smartest girl, after all.

Wishing you all that life has to offer, both the good and the bad,

Your Mama

From the Writer Girl;; So how’d everyone like this story? I’ve never written a story involving sex or drugs like this before, so it was something new for me. Before writing it I had read a lot of books on drugs and stories in which the main character had a lot of sex, so I guess I’ve just had them on the brain.

But what did you think about it? I would really like to know! If you could just leave a review or private message me that’d be great and I would really appreciate it! I hope that you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and happy writing!

[last edited on 9/30/2009]