Author's Note: This is a HUMOROUS essay, not an attack on anyone. I wrote it to entertain. Sorry if it offends you. Feel free to flame if you think the essay deserves it, but try to stick to constructive criticism. Or at least, don't flame without supporting your complaint.

How Not to Sound Like an Idiot When Speaking

Many people wish to sound more intelligent when they speak, but can't seem to figure out how to do so. After looking into the matter myself, I have decided that it isn't so much matter of using big words as it is a matter of avoiding the common pitfalls of the language.

The first rule is very basic. Basically, the word “basically” can fit into basically any part of basically any sentence. It is basically one of the easiest ways to basically make yourself sound basically stupid. If you've ever met someone who basically uses the word in basically every spot it can basically go, you may have found yourself wondering if this person had basically any idea what he or she was basically talking about.

Becoming more common, however, is the word “like.” Like “basically,” “like” can basically fit into like every gap in like every sentence. The problem is basically that “like” has like fifteen definitions and can basically be used in place of like any other word. Or, when you're like bored, you can like just like throw like in like every other word and like everyone will like still basically understand what you like mean.

Then, ya know, that basically every person you've like ever met uses the phrase “ya know” every once and a while. When you like ask for like a little confirmation, it just fits basically perfectly at the very end of the sentence, ya know? Then like every sentence is basically a question, ya know? It is like perfect for basically anytime no one is like answering you, ya know?

I mean, I know that it's like difficult for a lot of people to like think before basically everything they say, but it's just like a little bit important if you basically don't want to like say something dumb, ya know? And, I mean, it's not like I don't understand that like no one likes to basically think at all, ya know?, but, I mean, it's like kind of important to think a little and stuff.

But, ya know, that isn't all that can be fixed with your like speech patterns. I mean, there are like five million bajillion other things that basically make you sound like an idiot, ya know? And if you aren't like super careful, you're gonna like use all of them and stuff, and everyone will think that you like never went to elementary school. I mean, I know what you'll say—but mom!, everyone is like saying stuff like that and it's like just cool basically. I mean, since everyone's just like talking like me it isn't like I'm going to sound stupider than they (sorry, I had to fix that one; it bothered me too much). But it's like you get to this point where basically no one like has any idea what you mean and stuff, ya know? I mean, I know, but it's like not basically like really hard, really, to say like next to nothing in like a bajillion words that like basically just like take up like a ton of space.

So like please, if you basically like really have like any respect for like the language, just like pause, I mean, basically think before you like basically say like anything, ya know, and then you like won't really completely sound like a total idiot.