Love to a Monster

“Hey, Landon, I have to go to the bathroom. Do you want to get in line at the concessions?” Kelly asked, but she was already walking away.

I watched her go as I took my place at the end of the line. I felt content for the first time in a long time. I thought about what I wanted more, popcorn or pretzels.

“Landon?”

I knew that voice. My body went cold. I turned slowly, dreading what I would find. Sure enough, there she was, in all her glory: my ex, Jennifer. All I needed was one glance of her and promises of forever started playing in my head.

Some of my dismay at seeing her must have shown on my face, because she looked confused. I knew she was thinking know that she probably shouldn’t have come over. It had been two years since we had broken up, over a year since I had bumped into her in public like now, but it still hurt just as much to see her. I wondered if I would ever be able to get over her.

“Um…I just thought I’d say hi,” she said. “Maybe that was a mistake.”

I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay, forever. Was that too much to ask for? We could go right now. She turned to leave and I found my voice. “No, it wasn’t a mistake. Its good to see you.”

Jennifer looked skeptical.

“No, really, it is,” I said. “You look great.” I attempted a smile.

“So do you.” Jennifer smiled too, and that was enough to seal the deal for me.

I still wanted her, despite how long it had been, and despite all that she had put me through. We had been together four years, all through college. And then one day it was just over. No warning, no signs of unhappiness. She had ended it and I had been left to deal with her decision. We had promised to be together forever. I was going to propose, as soon as I started my new job. I had the ring picked out and everything. Turns out four years don’t mean much to some people, and promises of forever are almost always broken. No one can promise their whole lives, everything just exists in the moment. Apparently, feelings change. Well, mine didn’t. And they wouldn’t, ever.

“Are you here with someone?” Jennifer asked.

“Yeah, of course,” I said, somewhat offended. Did she think I went to the movies alone like some pathetic loser? Then I remembered who I was with, and decided to throw it in her face. “My girlfriend, Kelly.”

Unfortunately, Jennifer didn’t seem at all affected. She actually smiled. “Great. What’re you guys seeing?”

I didn’t really hear her question. I was wondering whom she was with. My answer appeared in the form of a well-dressed man who came up to Jennifer and put an arm around her shoulder. “Hey, Babe,” he said. “Sorry I’m a little late. It was such a crazy day today.”

“Hey, Jack, this is my friend from college, Landon. Landon, this is my fiancé, Jack.”

Fiancé? My hands clenched into fists and I felt all of my muscles tense. How could she stand there, all smiling and happy, showing off her fiancé to me, the one whom she had sworn to love until the day she died? It was like I had never existed in her world. She had left me, moved on, and had made a life of her own. I hadn’t even left a dent. I was completely shoved aside and forgotten, and so easily. I could not get her out of my life, how had she done so well to completely eliminate me from hers?

“Hey, we better get in, the movie’s about to start,” said Jack.

“Okay. It was nice seeing you, Landon.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” Jack added.

I said nothing. I just watched her go. How was it that just five minutes before I had felt content, when I now felt like my whole life was in ruins? Jennifer turned back and smiled at me while they walked away. It was supposed to be a friendly smile, I knew, but if she had been near me I could have reached out and punched that smile right off her face.

“Hey, did you decide what you’re going to get?” Kelly said from behind me.

“Nothing,” I said, still staring after Jennifer and Jack. “Let’s just go in.” I walked away without waiting for a response from Kelly. She chased after me and wrapped her arm around mine. I almost pulled it away.

I didn’t pay attention to the movie, or Kelly trying to cuddle with me. Instead, my thoughts were consumed with Jennifer. The movie felt so long, but finally it was over. I walked out of the theater, Kelly walking behind me, straining to keep up.

“What’re you in such a hurry for?” she asked teasingly as we got into the car.

“I’m not really feeling well.”

“Oh. Well, let’s get home then. I can make you some soup or something.”

We drove in silence, and when I arrived at her apartment building, I didn’t park. Instead, I pulled up to the door.

“What’re you doing?” Kelly asked.

“I think I just wanna go home.”

“Okay, let me just grab some stuff then.”

I had never realized before how clingy Kelly was. “Actually, I think I’m just going to try to sleep this off. I’d rather just go home alone.”

Kelly pouted for just a moment. We hadn’t spent the night apart in months. She was probably wondering if this was an indicator of something more. I was worried for a bit, that she’d want to talk about it, but then she smiled. “Okay. You can just come pick me up at nine for Steven’s party tomorrow then?”

I had completely forgotten about the party. I didn’t want to go, but it was too late to back out now. Maybe I could fake sick again. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to keep Kelly away. She was obsessed with taking care of me.

“Sure thing. Nine.”

Kelly gave me a quick kiss and then got out of the car. I watched her get into the apartment building, and then drove away.

I arrived at Kelly’s apartment the next night right on time. She buzzed me in to the building. She was still getting ready, of course. Her roommate answered the door. We exchanged greetings, and then she went to her room and closed the door. She was a bit anti-social, I had always thought.

Kelly came out into the living room a minute later. I looked her over. She was wearing a green turtleneck dress that hung just above her knees. “That’s what you’re wearing?” I said.

Kelly took a step back and looked down at herself. “I thought you said you liked this dress?”

“Yeah, I lied.”

Kelly looked down at her feet. “Oh. Okay then. I guess I’ll just go change.”

I wanted her to get angry with me, but she just went back to her room. Kelly was not the type to get mad or offended. She would just get hurt and sad. She was impossible to fight with because she would always yield a minute into the argument.

I had always thought of Kelly as a simple creature. She took delight in the littlest things. She was never upset or angry of her own accord. She didn’t cause any drama. She was so easy to please. I had thought before that it was endearing, her simple nature, but now I saw it as superficial and naïve. I wanted her to show some emotion, some sign that she was alive. Something to make me feel bad about the way I was treating her now, because I knew I should feel bad. But I didn’t.

Kelly arrived in a black dress that fit her body perfectly. I had to admit she looked stunning. I didn’t tell her that though. I knew she was upset about what I had said before. She was quiet throughout the rest of the night.

I decided I should agree to spend the night at her place to make up for being a jerk. And also because I felt that maybe having sex with her would make things go back to normal. It didn’t.

I didn’t feel much like talking to Kelly the next day. I ignored her calls and avoided going home. I ran a week’s worth of errands, met a friend for dinner, and then finally decided that I needed to go home.

My door was unlocked, and I knew that Kelly was inside, waiting for me. I should have never given her her own key. I went inside, and Kelly came out of the living room to meet me.

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you all day!” Her voice was quiet and stressed.

“I was around,” I said, slipping off my shoes. “I got some stuff done, ate dinner with Steve.”

“Why weren’t you answering your phone? I was worried. I thought maybe something had happened to you.”

I laughed at her, and not in a nice way. “Wow. Never took you to be the paranoid type.” I walked past her into the living room, set down my wallet and keys, and fell onto the couch. I put my feet up on the table and stretched out.

Kelly walked in a few seconds later, her hands crossed in front of her chest. She looked confused. “I’m not paranoid,” she said, with no real conviction in her voice. “Its just you always answer your phone or call me back right away.”

“I was busy all day, I didn’t really check my phone. I had it on silent.”

“But still….”

“Look, from now on, if I don’t answer my phone all the time, you can just assume that I’m fine, okay?”

“But what if you’re not?”

“Assume that I am.” I was growing tired of the conversation. “Hey, let’s order Chinese and watch a movie, have a night in.”

Kelly stared at me for a few moments, not sure what to think. I hoped she would let it go. I waited for her to say something. She sank onto the couch next to me. “Okay.”

I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. “I’ll call.”

I realized later that I couldn’t avoid a fight with Kelly forever with the way I was acting. But I didn’t want a conversation. I didn’t want to work it out. What was the point? The issue was clear enough to me, I didn’t love Kelly. I didn’t think I ever had. But it was easier to just go on like we were going now.

Kelly and I had made plans to go to her parent’s house for dinner on Friday. I was dreading it. The only thing I hated more than Kelly at the moment was her parents. When Friday came around, I ignored Kelly’s calls while I was at work. I did listen to one of her messages, and I was glad that I did.

“Hey, Babe, looks like its going to be a really late day at the office today. So I was thinking maybe I’ll just take a cab straight to my parent’s and you can drive up there and meet me around seven? If there’s a problem with that, just send me a text or something. Okay, gotta go. I’ll see you tonight. Love you!”

It was perfect. Now I wouldn’t have to go at all. She would go and have dinner with her parents and I could have the night to myself. So when my coworkers invited me out to the bar, I readily agreed. I didn’t really like them much, but drinking seemed like a great idea.

I sat at the bar alone for most of the night. It was a busy night, and I enjoyed watching the people crowding around, trying to get their drink orders in, getting mad when they were skipped over again and again.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to find a scantily clad girl behind me. She seemed like a college student, with the overly aggressive makeup and the bleach blonde hair.

“Would you mind ordering me a long island?” she asked sweetly, leaning in so I could hear her better. “I can’t seem to get the bartender’s attention.”

I highly doubted that, considering the way she was dressed. So I scoffed. “Want me to pay for it too?”

I had meant for her to get angry or offended and walk away. Instead, she just smiled. “If you want to.”

So I did. She came back a while later and took a seat next to me. I found out that her name was Molly, and she was in fact a college student, just like I had thought. She was nineteen years old and was majoring in psychology. She was also very drunk.

I was saying something stupid about psychology when she leaned closer to me and put a hand on my knee. I stopped in the middle of my sentence.

“So are we gonna get out of here or what?”

What else could I have said to that? I took her back to my apartment.

We were in the middle of having sex when I realized that it was still somewhat early. Only eleven o’ clock. I heard the front door open, and I figured that was about right. If Kelly had eaten with her parents, stayed and talked with them, and then gotten a cab out of the city, she would be arriving at about this time. The girl didn’t seem to notice. She was too wrapped up in what we were doing. She was easy to please, a lot like Kelly in that sense.

I figured there was really no point in stopping. Either way, I was caught, and I was only moments away from finishing anyway. So I did. I rolled off the girl, I could no longer remember her name, and collapsed onto the bed.

It took the girl a little while to realize that we were no longer alone. When she opened her eyes and found Kelly standing in the doorway, she screamed and clutched the blanket about her.

“What the hell? Get out of here!” she yelled.

Kelly listened. She turned around and left the room.

“Who the fuck was that?” the girl turned to me.

“My girlfriend.” I got out of bed. I picked up some clothes from the floor and threw on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. “You should probably go,” I told the girl. I picked my wallet up from the bedside table and took out a twenty. “Here, you can call a cab.” Then I left her, staring after me dumbfounded.

I walked out into the living room. Kelly was standing in the corner with her back to me. I didn’t know whether I should speak, or just wait for her to say something. I heard the front door open and close and knew that the girl from the bar had left. A few minutes, later, Kelly spoke.

“I don’t understand,” she said so quietly that I could barely hear her. She didn’t sound like she was crying, and the surprised me. She turned around slowly to face me, and I saw that she really wasn’t crying at all. I was stunned. “Are you in love with her?”

I shook my head.

“Then…why? I just…I don’t get it. I thought…I just….” She took a deep breath. “Who is she?”

I shrugged. “I don’t remember her name. I just met her.”

Kelly looked like I had just punched her in the face. She seemed to sway on her feet, and she was cringing as if in serious pain. She finally seemed to find the strength to look me in the eye. “Why did you do this?”

“I don’t really know.”

“You just ruin our entire relationship and all you can give me is that you don’t know why?” Even these words weren’t spoken in anger or irritation. It was more just utter disbelief. “I don’t get it. I thought we were happy.”

We were, at one point, I thought. But I didn’t want to tell her that. I didn’t want her to know. “It just wasn’t working,” I said instead.

Kelly just nodded, as if that was enough for her. But how could that possibly be enough? I was quickly becoming the biggest bastard I had ever known and all Kelly could do was stand there and nod at me in her quiet way. In made me furious. I took a step towards her and threw up my hands. “The truth is I never loved you, okay? I don’t care about you and sometimes, I hate you. It was just easier to pretend, that’s all.” I realized with each word that I said just how much of a lie it was. All that time I had thought that I didn’t love Kelly, and that was why I didn’t seem to care anymore. But it wasn’t true. I did love her. I loved her too much. I had been happy with her for a long time.

“So you’re telling me that our entire relationship was just a lie? You never loved me?”

I knew this was a make or break moment. I could have told her the truth right then, and possibly could have saved all that I had lost. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words come out. Finally, I just sighed. “Yes.”

Kelly sank to the floor. Her arms hung limp at her sides and she stared into the wall behind me, completely lost. I had done more than just break her heart. I had completely destroyed her. And I knew, that in doing so, I had probably destroyed myself. I could almost see the broken pieces of my heart and soul drifting off into oblivion, never to return.

But as I watched Kelly crumpled on the floor like a broken marionette, a new thought occurred to me. She would never get over this. It would take hold of her life until the die she died. Even if she didn’t really know it, she would carry me around with her forever. I would be a presence in every relationship she ever had from this point forward. Even if she eventually got over me, it would change her. She was changing even right now, as I watched. And if she did find someone in the future, he would know every time that Kelly acted irrationally or doubted their relationship or was feeling self-conscious, it would be because of me. He would know just how badly I had fucked her up. I would never be forgotten. I could never be replaced.

I hardly even realized that Kelly had finally started to cry. But I didn’t care anymore. “You should probably leave now,” I said in a steady voice.

She looked up at me, tears silently streaming down her face. She didn’t say anything as she stood up, trembling, and walked out of the room. I heard the door close shut behind her.

I tried to think about what I would prefer that day: cappuccino or frappuccino? Hot or cold? Which way should I choose? I chose cold.

As I went to sit down at one of the empty tables, I noticed a girl reading in the corner, sipping a latte. I could tell immediately she was the quiet, mousy, type. The kind of girl you’d find in a library. She was curled up in her chair. I walked a bit closer and saw what she was reading. I almost laughed out loud. Pride and Prejudice.

I put on my most charming smile and went up to her table. “Mind if I take a seat?”

The girl practically jumped. She looked up at me, and then looked around herself, as if wondering whether or not I was talking to her. “Uh, what?”

“Sorry, I just saw you sitting here and I thought maybe I’d come over. I’m Landon.”

I offered her my hand. The girl laughed nervously as she shook it. “Becky.”

Becky? I smiled. Perfect.