Haunted Heart

Author's Note - I've been working on this for a LONG time, and finally finished it to start posting. I hope you guys enjoy it.

[Chapter One]

"You have to go to class, Cassandra." Erika crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me. I know she means well. And I know she's right. It will make a bad impression on the professors if I don't show up for the first day of the fall semester. My first class starts in an hour and I haven't even gotten dressed.

"Cass," she says my name again, "look, I know how you're feeling, but you can't just throw the rest of your life away!" Her voice is louder and I know she's annoyed with me. I've been lucky she's put up with me moping around the apartment the entire summer.

"I don't know..."

"Look, I'll make you a deal. You go take a quick shower and I'll pack your bag for you. Then I'll walk with you to class." She looked hopeful. I look at her, at the photo in the frame by my bed, and then at the clock.

"Fine." Erika is happy with this answer.

I take a shower and get dressed - a long black skirt and a long-sleeved black t-shirt. For Howie. Erika is waiting for me. Her class starts a half-hour after mine, on the other side of the campus. But she knows how I'm feeling. I couldn't have picked a nicer cousin if I'd had the choice. When we get to the building, Erika pats me on the arm.

"My class is out at noon. If you want to wait for me, we can get lunch in the DC, okay?" She glances at me again before turning away and walking in the other direction. I stand in front of the building for a moment. I've been cooped up inside for so long that I'm almost uncomfortable at the thought of all these people. But I have to do it. So I step up to the door and open it, walking inside.

My classroom is the second door down the hallway. I open the door and step inside. There are already people inside, seated and talking amongst themselves. The noise is almost too much for me... these people. I want to go back into my room at the apartment, where it's safe and quiet and I'm alone. But Erika wants me to go to class, so I sit down at a desk in the front where I can be close to the door. I open my bag and look inside. Erika's packed my new text books, a notebook, and my black ball point pen. She knows me almost better than I know myself. She's even packed a little sandwich baggy of cheddar goldfish.

I take out the pen, notebook, and textbook. The blank page of the notebook and the noise of the classroom are almost too much for me. I want to get up and walk out - back to the apartment where I can be safe and sound. I'm not given the opportunity, because at that moment, the teacher walks in. He's tall, dark haired and handsome. His eyes... his eyes are what get me. They're dark and full of so much feeling ... so intense. Like Howie's.

After he drops his things on his desk, he waits a moment for the class to settle down before he speaks.

"Welcome to Psychology of Death. I'm Jarod Ross. If you're looking for Child Development, it's been moved down the hall to room seven." He looks around the room. One girl gets up and leaves, but everyone else stays.

"We'll start with roll, and then I'll go over what this class will be about." He takes out his attendance record and starts calling name out. The third name on the list makes my blood run cold.

"Damien Elmer." The answering "here" comes from close behind me and I stiffen. Damien. What is he doing here?

"Cassandra Fallwood." I don't want to answer him. I want to run away. I want to turn around and strangle Damien. I want...

"Here," I answer. Nothing happens. Professor Ross just moves on to the rest of the roll. Blood rushes in my ears and I can't concentrate. A sudden silence in the room forces me back to reality.

"Howard Williams?" Professor Ross asks. I freeze. My hands are trembling and I can't breathe. How can this be happening? Maybe I'm having a dream and I'm back in my room at the apartment.

"He's not going to be here." Damien's voice grates on my ears, sends a chill through my entire body. The urge to strangle him becomes even stronger.

"Why do you say that?" Professor Ross looks confused.

"He offed himself in June. Ain't gonna show up for any classes any more." Damien's voice is smug, dangerous. I don't want to strangle him anymore. I want to take a knife and plunge it into his heart and pull it out to do it again.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." To his credit, Professor Ross does honestly look apologetic. There is another long, awkward silence.

"Okay, well, I guess we'd better get started with the course material. Like I said, my name is Jarod Ross, but I'd prefer to be called Jarod, if you don't mind. This semester, we're going to be talking about death and how it affects people. What is a good death; what is a bad death?

"We'll also talk about the stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I understand that some of you may have signed up for this class hoping for therapy of some sort. If that's what you're looking for, I suggest you drop now and sign up for something else." He looks around, waiting to see if anyone wants to leave. I could do it, now, but ... now I don't want to leave. It's Professor Ross - Jarod's eyes. I like those eyes. I want to see them again. It's comforting. Like Howie.

[ ~ ]

The two hours go by much quicker than I was expecting them to when I headed for class that morning. When it's over, I don't want to leave right away. I have to wait for Damien to leave, in case he does something dangerous ... in case he tries to talk to me...

He walks out of the room with his friends and I find myself clenching my fists as I watch him leave. He shouldn't be here. Damien should be lying in the ground in Howie's place. I want to put him there with a bullet through his brain. A stake in his heart.

"Are you ... Cassandra?" Jarod is looking at me and I realize that the room has emptied and we're the only two left in the room.

"Yes, um, my friends call me Cassie." He makes me nervous when he stands close. But he smells so nice, like Old Spice. It smells beautiful and I want to step closer, press my face into his chest and smell deeper.

"Cassie. You knew Howard Williams?" He says the name and I freeze again, blood running out of my body.

"I don't... I don't know what you're talking about." I'm sure my reaction has already answered his question, contrary to my verbal answer. However, Jarod chooses not to comment on this, and he lets me leave.

I walk out of the building and look around. I don't see Erika anywhere. I take a deep breath and look around again. If she doesn't show up in the next three minutes, I decide, I will go back to the apartment.

"Ready?" Erika appears out of nowhere and taps me on the arm. I calm my beating heart and force a smile at her.

"Um, maybe we can just have lunch at the apartment." I haven't been around this many people in a long time, and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it.

"Cassie, you said you would do this. For me." She gives me a look. "Howie wouldn't want you to stay at home alone." It's almost like invoking his name is some kind of magic word to her. Mention Howie and Cassie will do whatever you want.

"Howie's not here anymore. What he wants doesn't matter." I say it, but I don't believe it. Howie was ... is ... everything to me. More than a friend, more than family.

"Cassie." Erika crosses her hands over her chest and gives me a look that reminds me of my mom.

"Fine, but I'm only doing it today." Erika accepts this and we walk to the dining hall together among the crowds of students. We find an empty table and sit down.

"I'll buy," she said, "what are you thinking you want?" I shrug and set my bag down, looking around at the crowded tables of students, talking and eating. If I look at it one way, I can almost imagine that these people are characters in a movie that I'm watching.

"How about a piece of pizza?" Erika asks. I nod, and she walks off to get us both lunches. I take out my class notebook for safety. I open up to a blank page and fiddle around with my pen. I want to write something about Howie, about my new teacher, about being here with all these people, but the words aren't coming out. They haven't left my head all summer.

"Do you mind if I sit down?" It's his voice - Jarod. I look up and he's standing there, holding a plate with pizza on it. His eyes are what get me.

"No, um, go ahead." Just, please, don't ask me about Howie again. Jarod smiles and sits down next to me.

"I don't usually see professors eating in the dining commons," I say. Jarod nods and picks up a slice of pizza.

"I didn't want to eat by myself in my office," he says, "I've had enough of being alone to last me a lifetime." Then he gets this look in his eyes that I can't understand. Loneliness... I've had three months of loneliness without Howie. Erika's great. But she's not Howie, and no one will replace him.

"I also wanted to apologize about earlier. I realize that it was rude of me to mention Howard when it's obvious you're still mourning his loss." The look on his face changes to that concerned look that I've seen on everyone's face. Like they think I'm going to break. Or maybe grab a knife and stab myself in the stomach or something.

"He was... Howie, I mean... he was my best friend. He knew me more than anyone else in the world did. We were like brother and sister." I can't believe I'm even saying this to him when I don't even know him.

"It's hard to lose someone you love like that," Jarod says, and he puts a hand on my arm. It is at this point that Erika returns with pizza for the both of us. She hands me my plate and looks at Jarod.

"Who's your friend, Cass?" she smiles a little, like she thinks he might be a friend instead of just a friend.

"This is Professor Ross, uh, Jarod." He holds out his hand for her to shake. She shakes it and sits down next to me.

"I'm teaching Psychology of Death," he says, "It's my first semester teaching here." He takes a bite of his pizza. Erika shoots me a look, but I'm still not sure what she wants me to say.

"Well I'm glad that Cass is talking to someone." Erika says this while she's looking at me, even though she's talking to Jarod.

"I'm sure it must be hard to socialize properly when you've lost a very close friend." Jarod also looks at me instead of Erika, and I'm becoming uncomfortable. I want my bedroom and my pillows and the dark quiet.

"I'm finished," I say, picking up my plate with half a slice of pizza still on it. I throw it away and leave the dining commons without even waiting for Erika to follow me. I make it all the way back to the apartment by myself, where I go into my bedroom and throw myself on the bed.

I've got a picture of Howie underneath my pillow. I take it out and look at it. His dark hair is falling in his eyes and he smiles shyly at the camera. He looks so beautiful, and I can't see any sign of depression in his eyes. I still don't believe that he could have killed himself. The Howie I knew wouldn't do that.

I fall asleep clutching his picture to my chest.