The Ultimate

Some call is the red string of fate, others says it’s a string of destiny. I just think it’s a string that connects us to the people we love, to those we are meant to be with.

His name is James and I’ve known him all my life. We’re not best friends or anything, though I wish we were. We went to school together, lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same church, but we were never friends.

In all honesty, I’d hardly ever spoken to him, I was much too shy. In tune I would watch him from afar as he played football every break and once we were all off the bus. I hated the game, but I loved to watch him. He seemed happy and that made me happy too.

We came from different worlds though. He had money and I didn’t. He had all the friends and I didn’t. His family loved him and most of mine didn’t. He was free and I wasn’t. He was popular and I wasn’t. We were so different from each other, though I wished that the string would bring us closer anyways.

Some days I wished I could see the string, know who it was connected too. I wanted to know who would make me happy; who I would make happy.

I wasn’t interested in looks, popularity, money, or anything else. I just wanted a boy who cared about me, who loved me, and put me first in his life. Maybe I was asking for too much. It was hard to tell I thought. I didn’t understand the mind of others, especially not the mind of a boy. I was lucky to even understand the way my own mind worked, let alone anyone else’s.

Still, my dreams lingered. I was holding on to pathetic hopes and aspirations that might never even come true. I suppose I merely wanted something to think about, some form of a dream even if it were something I could never possibly have.

Thinking now though I realize I was happier then. I had dreams and silly crushes and thoughts that in all my lifetime I couldn’t understand. I was shy and innocent with no hope of being happy forever. I would soon have to face the reality of my own future.

As I grew, I learned nothing lasted forever. I soon learned that my feelings for him were in vein. He had a girlfriend. She was beautiful and lovely and popular just like him. I would have known that in the end.

My innocent mind crushed and my heart broken, still my feelings didn’t go away. They were still strong, my heart pounding in my chest every time I saw him…and her. I feared my time may never come and my years in this school would never end. I prayed that life would cease in that girl more then once, and then yelled at myself for having such cruel, inappropriate thoughts.

In time I grew used to the pain I felt in my heart. It became something I felt only when I paid attention. Even after so much time, my feelings for him never faded, never faulted. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t love, especially not a one-sided love. If I had admitted such a thing to myself then I don’t think I would have stayed sane.

I tried so hard to be strong, to pretend my unmistakable feelings for him did not exist. They did though and no matter what I said, did, or tried they did not simply go away as I had once hoped.

Middle school pasted quickly enough and high school seemed to come too soon. Seventh grade was a killer that I had simply never wished to have gone through and eighth grade never really came.

I grew tired of these feelings that I could not make fade. I couldn’t see any other boy, I couldn’t think of any other boy. He was the only one on my mind, day in and day out, night after night.

I had come to the conclusion it was love, a one sided, painful love that I simply was not interested in anymore. I tried to move on, so badly and so desperately I tried to move away. I tried to forget my feelings, ignore them, and move past them, nothing worked.

One day I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the first week of eighth grade right after the quick summer vacation. He had a new girlfriend, more beautiful, lovely, and popular then the last. He smiled for her, he laughed with her, he held her hand, and he spent time with her. After all this time, why couldn’t he see that the person her should have been with was me?

I closed my eyes and tried to forget but his beautiful image was stuck in my head. I couldn’t push it away or make it fade. His image was strong in the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t take it anymore! His ignorance was driving me insane! My heart, my mind, my body – I couldn’t take it anymore!

No, I wouldn’t tell him. Why bother to try and make him see someone he had never even glanced at. It wasn’t worth trying or even taking the chance. I’d be rejected right off the bat. I already knew that.

No this was it. I was giving up, forget it. This love was dumb and completely idiotic. That’s all it was to me anymore.

That night I went home right after school. No one was home, the house so quite. I took out the rope and hung myself from the living room ceiling fan and that was the end of my pathetic, unreasonable love.

So here I sit up in heaven staring down at them. Their weeping forms, even him, the one I so desperately loved. He loved me, he was sorry, he just wanted me back. I did not understand. Why was he crying? How could he love me? Why was he sorry?

He never once paid me any mind. Now he says he loves me? I listened to his words, his voice so rough, upset. I had been wrong. He was just like me. Shy and afraid to speak to the one he loved, to express his feelings for real. Now it was too late and it was entirely my fault.

Now it was my turn to take a hold of the regret that lingered so deep in my heart. I moved down and wrapped my arms around him. If I wasn’t so shocked I would have cried.

My words were soft in his ear as I whispered my apology and my promise to wait forever for him in heaven. I would always be his guardian angel. This was my forever promise to him. This was my love for him, even now in death. I love him.