A blonde girl named Melanie walks slowly across the dark football field. Night has fallen and she is alone. She's lost in thought, having just dumped her boyfriend, Saul. Melanie stops and begins fumbling through her purse, before extracting a pack of cigarettes. Using a neon pink lighter, she sparks the end of her smoke and inhales. A moment later she's knocked to the ground by a black shape. Her scream is muffled by a large hand covering her face. A large hunting knife appears in the other hand, reflecting the moon into her eyes. Melanie's terrified eyes look past the knife and into the face of her attacker, and recognitions flashes on her face. It's you! The knife is raised high above Melanie's head. With a well-aimed kick, Melanie knocks away the hand covering her mouth, and belts out a shout.

Kevin looks over his shoulder, into the dark football field. He could have sworn he heard a woman's scream, but all seemed deathly silent. Shrugging, Kevin marched down some steps and towards the residence. Reaching into his pocket, Kevin fished out his watch to check the time. The watch lived in his pocket because one of his friends broke the hinge. Unfortunately, the watch went flying a moment later, as Kevin was thrown to the pavement. Two figures pinned Kevin down while a third rummaged through his backpack. "What the hell?" swore Kevin, struggling to free himself from the strongarms holding him down. "Got it!" yelled the third figure, who ran off. Kevin was kicked once in the stomach, before his assailants fled. He laid on the ground for a moment, trying to understand what was going on. "Why would somebody steal a school laptop?"

Back at the residence, Kevin realized his face was dripping red from hitting the sidewalk. "Did you steal my laptop?" he asked his roommate, Jeff Woodie.

"No. Did you steal my chocolate bar?" asked Jeff.

"No." Kevin rubbed his head, spreading blood across his hand and forehead. He went to the washroom, soaped up his hands, and cleaned his headwound. "(Shoot)!" swore Kevin, realizing he'd never fetched his watch after getting his laptop stolen.

With freshly-cleaned hands, Kevin wandered back to where he'd dropped his watch and began searching the ground for it. "What are you doing?" asked a voice. It was a campus security guard.

"Ah, I've lost my watch," replied Kevin. "See, I was walking, then these people knocked me over and stole my laptop, and I dropped my watch."

"Ah. What does it look like?" asked the security guard.

"Well, it's watch-shaped, and the hinge is broken. I don't suppose you saw some guys running off with a laptop by any chance?"

"No. Why, do you think they might have your watch?" asked the security guard.

"No, but I think they have my laptop," answered Kevin.

"Really?"

"Yea, they pinned me and took it," explained Kevin.

"But what's the laptop have to do with finding your watch?" asked the guard.

"Nothing really, I just think it's important to find both."

"You'll get nowhere in life if you can't focus on one thing at a time", said the security guard. "Just look at me; Once I tried to write an exam and study my notes at the same time, but the professor disagreed with this unfocused method, failed me, and I became a night security guard for a College." The guard waited for Kevin's reaction to his compelling story. Kevin started checking the ground again for his watch. "If you had to pick one or the other, which would it be?"

"Between the watch and the laptop? I dunno, I rather like both," said Kevin.

"No, I mean between being a professor and a security guard."

"See," started Kevin, now trying to ignore the security guard. "The watch has many advantages, as it tells me the time in months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds. The laptop, however, contains all my final assignments due over the next week, which I need to hand-in so I can pass all of my courses. The watch's main disadvantage is that the hinge is broken."

"So you need it to pass all of your courses then?" asked the security guard.

"Oh no, it just tells time," replied Kevin.

"I mean your laptop," clarified the guard.

"Yes, that's the gist of that."

"Well, I can see it's really important, so if I see anyone with your watch I'll give you a shout," offered the guard. "Wait, what's your name again?"

"Kevin Thompson," said Kevin.

"All right then," said the security guard, strolling off. Even though he wasn't supposed to, the security guard always carried a loaded gun on duty. Not because he felt unsafe, and not to scare the students, and not really for any reason whatsoever. The guard just liked carrying a loaded gun on duty. While Kevin searched the ground for his watch, the guard had actually been taking aim at the back of Kevin's head with the loaded gun's safety off. Not because he was thinking of shooting the boy, and not because he thought Kevin was dangerous, and not really for any reason whatsoever. The guard just liked aiming a loaded gun at people when they weren't looking. The guard began to whistle as he headed back to his office. Once there, he intended to look at autopsy photographs for several hours, until his shift was over. Not because he liked the photographer's technique, and not because he was imagining running sick and disturbing experiments on the remains, and not really for any reason whatsoever. The guard just liked looking at autopsy photographs. A huge grin spread across his face.

Kevin could not find his watch anywhere, but on closer examination he realized he hadn't washed his hands as thouroughly as he originally though, for a red spot of blood remained. Sighing, Kevin realized his forehead had begun to bleed again, and was dripping. "(Frig)," thought Kevin. "I can't believe I lost my watch." With a second sigh ; a sigh worthy of a comic book character, or even a soap opera character! ; Kevin began to walk home again. The sigh, floated upwards for a moment, before falling gently to the ground. Having been abandoned by it's creator, the sigh wandered off to look for a leaf to sleep under. ....

Where did Jeff's chocolate bar go? What happened to Melanie? Who exactly is Saul? When* did this all happen? Will Shennon ever wake up from her coma? Why is the campus security guard crazy, and yelled at me that one time for letting those two guys who live down the hall from me into the building via the back door even though I'm not supposed to (even though I recognized them!) because they might not live here? Eh..? All these answers and more questions, next time, on 'Friggin' Random Story.
*I dunno, nobody found the watch yet...

* * *

-Originally posted December 6th 2006

EDIT: I was planning on writing an epic slasher in a Douglas-Adams style. Unfortunately, somebody went missing IRL after I wrote my second chapter, then it seemed REALLY inappropriate after I heard the news. (Missing watch, missing person.. accidentally inappropriate.)