|Tsutaenakya: I Must Tell You Of My Feelings
Author: Nubian Ishtar PM
My Prom picture, encased in a beautiful frame, is flung into the wall by the door; it shatters and the photo lies forlornly in glass. I sob, my cries muffled inside the space I created for myself. I rock back and forth; my life feels over.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Drama - Words: 2,926 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 06-15-09 - Status: Complete - id: 2685563
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hey people! I'm back…again. Unfortunately, it's not with any new chapters, just a one-shot. Yep, my first one-shot ever- so be gentle! By the way, I, Nubian Ishtar, claim this as my own work and is published under the screen name Nubian Ishtar only. Publishing under any other name without notification of a screen name change by me and/or a Title change is plagiarism.
I must tell you…
I look at our Prom picture: you in your black Tux with red tie and me in my red dress. We matched that night, you know, as we have matched every night and day before then. I can't help but to be happy, I feel you deep inside my heart. I want to stay in this feeling but I know that my History homework won't do itself. I settle back in my chair, pencil in hand, I'm ready to answer question three. My perspective of the Third Reich scratches on to my paper as my iPod Radio switches to a new song.
"I can't stop loving you…"
I smile at the lyrics and I know that doing homework now has flown out the window. It seems that with the approach of graduation, my feelings can't be contained.
Tsutaenakya suki na kono kimochi….
I must tell you my feelings of love…
We've always said "I love you" to each other but I don't think that we've really meant it. Well, I need to tell you that I do, that I really mean it when I say "I love you". I must tell you that you really are the reason why I smile the way I do, laugh the way I do, cry the way I do. You are the sole reason why I have friends and I want to thank you by saying how much you mean to me. I think I'll call you now and tell you.
My history pages flutter when the fan passes by. Hmm, maybe not today, homework is calling and I can't risk getting a bad grade so close to graduation. "Soon", I tell myself, "soon."
I woke up extremely late and it's a wonder how I got into homeroom before the morning announcements and role-taking. Cassie, my best friend from way back when, turned to me, smacking her lips. Blowing a bubble, she slaps a card on my desk.
"Yo. What made you late?"
"I just overslept. Had a late night."
"What kind of late night, hmm?" She wiggles her eyebrows at me in a suggestive manner.
"Nothing, nothing! I just didn't do my homework until late, that's all!"
"If you say so. Hey, are you gonna open the card or what?"
I look down at the card. I rip it open and I almost shriek with joy.
"You're mom is throwing us a graduation party? Awesome!" I'm barely containing my excitement. A party for us, with all of our friends and family and all we love; I can hardly wait! Speaking of family, my mind wonders back to the subject of last night's distraction. I listen with half an ear to Cassie's talking as His face slips into my mind. I want to tell Him that I love him but I don't think today is right. I'll wait till Friday night or something. Everyone knows that Monday is the worst day of the week. I'll make a plan to have a date Friday, Friday sounds good.
I mark off another day in my school agenda as I wait for Evan, my love of my life. This week is the last week before graduation next Saturday. My body slightly tingles when I realize that I'll no longer walk these halls, no longer eat the stale tatter tots from the cafeteria. By this time next year, I'll be at Howard University, hours from here.
Tapping on my head tells me that Evan is waiting for my attention and I can't wait to give it.
"Hey, Babe." Evan leans down and pecks my lips with his. His lips are soft and I can smell the peppermint in his mouth as he exhales inches from my face. He smiles at me and I can't help but smile back like an idiot.
"Hey yourself. How was first period?" Evan shrugs, moving his tanned hand through his shaggy black hair.
"It was okay. Mr. Lansing talked about how we Seniors are leaving the child world behind and moving on to adulthood. You know, crap like that. You?"
"Same. Although, we had to listen to how much Dr. Yokom was going to miss us."
We sat in silence for a minute, letting the teacher give brief instructions about the work for the day.
"Can you believe it? Next Saturday and we're outta here. No more Rogersfield High School."
Evan writes the math equation down before turning to me. "Yeah, no more being babies. A lot of things are going to change for us, for all of us."
For a minute, Evan's coal black eyes seemed haunted, miserable. No way, the light must be playing tricks. I smile at him again. I decide that I should bring up Friday.
"Evan, do you want to go out this Friday? Maybe, grab a soda or something."
He gave me a half smile, the smile that said "I'm sorry Babe, but I have something to do".
"It's okay if you can't; it's just that I want to tell you something, something really good."
"I have to work Friday, but how about we meet Wednesday, right after Graduation practice. I'm swamped up until then. Family coming in and work."
"That's so long!"
He chuckled lowly and shook his head, his hair flying in different directions.
"I know," he said, "but it could be worse."
We would meet at six for dinner on Wednesday of next week. We decided on Debbie's Little Diner not far from the college where the practice was being held. Evan kissed my cheek then joined his baseball group of friends as they passed. I was hoping to let my emotions out on Friday but life had come into play. I went to my next class then met up with Cassie, Karine, and Jess at lunch. We decided to go shopping for our graduation party dresses after school; and shop we did. We tried on every sexy dress that we could fit into; we had to be the center of attention. Even though I was having fun, I couldn't help but feel that the news I wanted to tell Evan overshadowed my evening.
I must tell you…
The days leading up to the graduation practice were full of going to work at the Bakery Palace, shopping with the girls, getting my hair micro-braided, deciding what I want to major in at Howard, and what I wanted to tell Evan. It felt like the world had stopped because it knew what I wanted and I wanted to tell Evan that I really love him. After days of waiting, the day was here. I drove to practice, my nerves jittery, my body bouncing with pent-up energy. I waved at Evan before I went to my assigned seat. He gave me half a wave before sitting several rows behind me. We were detained for two hours and that was just fine; that meant it was closer to six. I met up with Evan at the parking lot. He gave me a one-armed hug. He told me to follow him and that's what I did even though I knew where we were going.
Debbie, the owner of Debbie's Little Diner saw us the second we came in. She laughed loudly and grabbed two menus for us.
"How was practice? Excited?"
Evan smiled a blinding smile and quickly recapped our last two hours. I was excited for another reason; I was going to tell Evan that he is my life and that I love him more than anything. Debbie sat us at our usual table in the back. She served us drinks- on the house. I grasped Evan's hand. He squeezed lightly then let go. That was odd, I thought, he always holds my hand. Debbie came back with our burgers and fries but I found that eating would be a test of mind over matter; I was too anxious about what I had to say.
Debbie left us alone with a smile, but not before declaring that we would have fresh apple pie alamode for dessert.
We sat in silence but this silence seemed awkward. I took a chance to really look at Evan. He seemed tired, very much so. Dark bags hung under his eyes and the sparkle of crazy plots brewing was missing from him. I took his hand again, thankfully, he didn't let go but he didn't hold it as tight as usual.
Tsutaenakya suki na kono kimochi…
I must tell you of my feelings of love…
Now or never, I thought. My feelings should cheer him up. I could only think of very few reasons why Evan would look so tired and working late was one of them. I practically bounce in my seat, my body vibrating with energy that has been waiting for this day, this moment. I opened my mouth…
"You know I love you, don't you?"
I was beaten to the punch! How crazy is that? I could only nod as a smile crept onto my face. This was it, the moment where he tells me his feelings, his true feelings!
"Good. I don't want you to think that I don't, because I do, so much. I knew it the moment I saw you as cliché as that sounds. Your smile, it does wonders for me, you just don't know."
What's going on here? Why is he saying this? I was confused to say the least. Evan shook his head, running his free hand messily through his hair . He looked agitated, his eyes shifty.
"I don't know how I would have made it without you. You are beyond special, beyond everything. When Gramps died, you were there, when my team lost a game, you were there. But now, something is coming up that we've never come up against and I…I…"
Evan let go of my hand. He reached into his pocket and seemed to be searching, searching. As if time slowed down, I saw Evan pull out…
He opened it then set it on the table between our plates.
"I was holding out on telling you this," he said to me. "I've been accepted to Boston University with a full scholarship." Evan took my hand again but my grip wasn't as strong anymore.
"That's great Evan, that's what you wanted, isn't it? You've worked hard for it."
I want to say more but my tongue is stuck to the top of my mouth as if with peanut butter.
"Yeah, I worked hard for it but, that isn't what I'm here to tell you. Babe, I've seen what happens in these situations. You'll be on one side of the U.S. and I'll be on the other. It would be very hard for us to see each other. Do you understand?"
Oh God, don't say what I think you're going to say! I take Evan's hand in a vice grip and will him to stop, to stop before I break.
"Don't…Don't say it…Please," I choke out. My mouth is dry; my ability to speak has been robbed from me.
I must tell you…
"I must tell you that we should…should break up. I wish there was another way but in the end, there isn't."
"Believe me; I've tried thinking of everything I could."
I snatch my hand back, my hand feeling as if it was on fire. I feel the tears brimming hotly behind my eyes but I won't cry, not here, not in front of Evan.
"Then you didn't think very hard!" I hissed. I chew my bottom lip fiercely.
"I did," he denies. "Everything."
"Why now? Why not before Prom?"
Evan sighs loudly. He takes a drink from his cup. I have the sudden raw urge to tip it over on him. How dare he be this calm!
"I wanted to be with you for just a little longer. Babe…"
"Don't! Don't you 'Babe' me! Never call me that again!"
"Will you listen to me? I love you no matter where we are, I promise."
I whip my head around as If struck. "How can you say that you love me? How?"
My voice was rising, my breath coming in huge puffs sucked greedily through my nose and in between my teeth.
"Sssh! Calm down! You want to make a scene?"
He was right, people were starting to watch us but I could care less.
"A scene? A scene! You have some nerve! You act all lovey-dovey with me since Prom and you knew about this?" I point furiously at the offending acceptance letter.
"I came here to tell you that I love you! Not some kind of kid love but the real thing," I pause. "But what does it matter now? I'll tell you; nothing, it means nothing. If goodbye is what you want well mister, you got it. Goodbye. Goodbye forever and good riddance!"
I leave the Diner in a rush. It's a wonder how I got home; I think I drove on autopilot or something like that. I run up the stairs to my room, slam the door and scream. I screamed so loud that I think the neighbors heard; I could care less. I put my back to the door, sliding down like a limp noodle. I pound my fists on the floor as the tears finally fall. My phone rings and I reach in my pocket in a quick moment of sanity.
I scream again and hurl my phone into the wall opposite me; my phone smashes and I know it's broken. I trash my room like a hurricane levels a town. Pillows are thrown, books are hurled at the walls, shoes tossed brutally at the door and window, and finally, my Prom picture incased in a beautiful frame is flung into the wall by the door; it shatters and the photo lies forlornly in glass.
I sit against the wall. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Dropping my head onto my knees, I sob, my cries muffled inside the space I created for myself. My knuckles are smarting from my rough treatment of them. I rock back and forth and my life feels over.
I listened as they called his name to the podium to get his Diploma. I can't help but feel proud and sad at the same time. I watch him shake hands with the Principal and as he crosses the stage, he lifts his Diploma high in the air and does a little jig. Many laugh but I don't, nor does Jess next to me. Jess stares at Evan with a look of pure hatred and as I look around, so does Karine, and Cassie; it's understandable, I felt that way for the past few days. I clutch my Diploma close to my heart; it's beating a crazy beat. Seeing Evan still does that to me and I'm guessing that it will for some time. With permission from the Principal, tassels are changed from left to right and hats are thrown in the air with a cry of unadulterated joy. Everyone separated to hug, congratulate, and celebrate our freedom from High School. Jess, Karine, Cassie, and I gather in a group, chatting lightly.
It seemed that my body had a will of its own. Before I knew it, I had turned around and was looking at Evan, who was staring at me from the opposite end of the ceremony setup in the middle of his friends who were jostling him. Even from where I was standing, I could see Evan's eyes were a swirl of mixed emotions; no two could be pulled apart. Fear, regret, happiness, sadness; they were all there, but what I saw most was the one thing I wanted most- Love. At that moment I was content, content to be where I was in life, content to be content. I turned my back to him but I could still feel his gaze; a gaze of understanding that heated my back and spread through the rest of my body.
Sometimes, life is just a bunch of "tsutaenakya".
Tsutaenakya suki na kono kimochi…
I must tell you of my feelings for you…
Okay! I hope you enjoyed "Tsutaenakya: I Must Tell You"! I got the inspiration from Crystal Kay's J-pop song "Flowers" which can be googled at anytime although I found it on Cori's J-pop site. As always, please review and let me know what you think! ~Nubian Ishtar~ Thanks Lovelies! Plagiarize this and you will be in soooo much trouble! I'm just telling you now!