A/N: This is a (hopefully) humorous essay/letter to the editor I wrote during the 2008 primary election season. It used to be a little more partisan than it is now, though my political affiliation is probably still clear. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and please, please comment. I love constructive criticism! :)

Dear Neighbor,

Among the people I hate most are those who refuse to label themselves. Now, you must not take this the wrong way. In most cases, I find stereotyping unfair to all parties involved; I do not label people. As previously stated . . . they label themselves. There are clues everywhere, if only an astute person has the presence of mind to notice them and draw the appropriate conclusions.

My father imparted many pearls of wisdom to me over the years. One of them ran as follows: “The world is made for snap judgments.” At the time, I was horrified. Now, however, I begin to suspect that I have inherited some of his judgmental nature. Why? Quite simply because, every election cycle, I find myself relying on my neighbors to tell me who not to vote for.

You see, it is all but impossible to keep up with the copious amounts of people running for public office. The news will impart information about the Presidential and Congressional races, but otherwise one must rely on oneself. And oneself does not have the time, energy, or inclination to run exhaustive Google background checks on every possible candidate. Therefore, I have developed a system.

It’s a very simple system, and entirely based upon my father’s premise. The world is made for snap judgements. So, on my journeys to and from the various towns situated in the Bitterroot Valley, I perform reconnaissance. First I search for those inevitably large signs that some political pundits seem so fond of. When I find one, I add it to a mental list. The list is categorized something like this: 1) Comrades. 2) Mild acquaintances—I might enjoy an amiable chat with them, if not a political discussion. 3) The Enemy. And, category 4) . . . Crazies. Those whose beliefs are the sort to make you reel backward in disgust and mortification when completely explained.

Of these various classifications, only one is truly helpful in forming my opinions about the local candidates. That would be the Crazies. And it works something like this: anyone sporting a giant, loud-and-proud Crazy Politician sign is immediately categorized as a Grade A Wacko. I then scan their yard for any additional signs. Those tell me exactly who not to support come Election Day. And the wonderful thing is that those signs may then be used to pigeonhole lesser signs, even without the solid presence of a Crazy banner. With true Wackos, you can continue this for six degrees of separation and still infer a Crazy label. It’s a phenomenal thing.

This system is accurate and informative mostly in labeling the people you don’t know. One of the most helpful aspects of election time, however, is your list of prior judgements for your neighbors, associates, etc. Oh, the neighbor two lanes down has a sign up? For God’s sake, for all our sanity, DO NOT check that box on Election Day! Very useful. Realize, these people have already labeled themselves. There are many ways they may achieve this status outside an election cycle. The first is, of course, a prior political discussion. The second is the tried-and-true frequent letters to the Editor. The third is the practice of, every Christmas, attending a public school board meeting wide-eyed and frantic, demanding that a creche be displayed in the lobby. The list continues, but most actions are as easily recognizable as though they had pasted a sticker on their foreheads.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that the system is not foolproof. One must watch out for those neighbors who, lacking any real beliefs, scatter their lawn with utterly mystifying conflicting signs. The intelligence received from those with contrary signs is unusable, and must not be counted as reliable. For the most part, however, these are few and far between.

So, now we come back to my original point. I hate those people who refuse to label themselves. How is one supposed to know who to vote for if their Grade A Wacko neighbors will not declare their allegiance? Those of you with a clean lawn, I implore you to remedy this problem immediately. We all have snap judgements to make if we are to know where we stand. It is imperative that we know who we can approach to borrow a cup of sugar without getting blown away by the well-oiled rifle hanging over the door. So, please, please, make yourself a label, a banner, and wave it for the world to see. Your silence is damning. It gets you placed in the worst category of all . . . Smugly Uncommited.

Signed,

Your Concerned Neighbor