Becoming an Atheist

by Dracori

Many religious folk think that atheists have no morals. The common stereotype is that we are incapable of loving, or are murderous beasts. This tends to be the beliefs harbored by the fundamentalists, but even some of the more easy-going Christians believe we are misguided or confused. ‘Ridiculous’ and ‘ignorant’ are the best words to describe such beliefs. Atheists can be just as loving and caring as any good Christian, or person of any other religion. I myself am an atheist, and I have a happy life and have many people in my family who I love and care about, and I trust my judgment when deciding what is right and what is wrong. I do not rely on a book to decide for me what is right and wrong in this world.

The road to becoming an atheist was a bit rocky, and living in a very religious family isn’t the easiest either. And then turning on the radio, or the TV, or going out in public and finding yourself surrounded by religion, makes it even more difficult and highly uncomfortable. Although I will say that it probably wasn’t quite as complicated as it has been for other atheists. I didn’t go through any depressions during my time as a Christian, or during my slow transition, but I still felt conflicted with myself from time to time. Becoming an atheist was not something I had planned on. No one plans their beliefs, and we truly do not choose what to believe, either. For me, I just let my heart and mind lead me to this conclusion, based on life experiences, and what science had to offer. I guess it would only be best to start from the beginning.

When I was very young, we did not attend church, which I guess makes it logical to say that is partly what contributed to me becoming an atheist. I can’t say for certain, of course. As for why we didn’t, both my mom and dad were working all the time, and difficult, stressful jobs at that. That’s not the best excuse but that’s usually what Mom would tell me whenever I asked why we didn’t go to church, but she still explained God to me, and how Jesus died on the cross for “our” sins, and me being so young, it was easy for me to buy into it. Children are sponges, and not to mention gullible, and I also went to a church for kindergarten, which is where I learned more and more about God and Christianity. Even in the morning when we said the pledge, our teacher would ask for three people to go up to the front of the room to hold the American flag, the Palmetto flag (our state flag), and the Bible.

While I attended this church, we had chapel once a week, which was something I was not a fan of. A sign of future atheism? I wouldn‘t say so. Even most Christians don’t care much for church, as sometimes it can be boring, and any idiot knows that a five-year-old holding still in church for about an hour is nearly impossible. I was an active child, and did not care much for sitting in a church and listening to people preach and whatnot. Honestly though, since it was about sixteen years ago, it’s really hard for me to remember everything we did. I'm pretty sure we sang songs and did basically what others do in church, but what I do remember is that chapel was never something I looked forward to.

We also watched animated videos about Christ and the well-known stories of the Bible, such as the story of Noah‘s Ark. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where I first became disturbed with God, and I was only about five or six years old. I remember us watching a cartoon about Noah’s Ark and the Flood. It was said in the video that God caused the flood because of all the sinners on Earth, and that he basically had to cleanse the planet of the evil that resided there, and in the cartoon they actually showed the people drowning in the flood, and this really bothered me. I remember thinking, “God killed all those people just because they were being bad? They couldn’t have all been bad, could they? What about the children? Did God kill children, too?” It just honestly left a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach; it bothered me for several days. I think this was really one of the first signs that I would come to eventually detach myself from religion. But even though that had disturbed me, I didn’t let that tamper with my belief in God. I did what everyone else usually does: I just pushed my feelings into the back of my mind and convinced myself that it was perfectly justified, as God is perfect and everything he does is just.

I also watched Christian cartoons at home just about every morning. Of course at that time I had been completely unaware that these cartoons were just stories taken out of the Bible and fluffed up to be appropriate for the young audience. And then there were the truly gruesome parts of the Bible that you would never see in children’s Bibles, or heard read at a church sermon. So after getting older and finding out that I had been fed half truths about the Bible, I became angered. But just knowing that there was more to the Bible than what I had been taught upset me.

But before all that even happened, I still lived a good ten years of my life, believing in God and believing he was loving and that he was watching over us. I remember when I was still very young, one of my cousins bought me my first children’s Bible. Usually when I was having a particularly boring day, I would always pick it up and read through it, always enjoying the pretty pictures. It fueled my faith in God, which is what I’m sure my family wanted. But as time progressed, my faith was tested continuously.

I’m not sure how old I was, but I remember being highly disturbed when my cousin told me about the story of Abraham, and how God wanted him to sacrifice his son to test his faith. Knowing that God stopped him right before he killed his son was no relief to me. The story still held the same level of sadistic cruelty as it would have if the murder had been carried out. And what’s even more disturbing….I think I remember my cousin saying, “If God asked me to kill you, I’d have no choice,” although I truly hope I am mistaken. I’m certain now if anyone in my family said this to me, I’d have quite a mouthful to say in response.

The next biggie was the killing of all the first born children of Egypt. I knew that it was God’s biggest warning against the Pharaoh, but it never made sense to me. The question I always had to ask was if God was angry at the Pharaoh, then why did he not just kill him instead of innocent people? I have heard every excuse possible given by Christians in order to justify this, but the killing of innocent children for the mistakes of others can never be justified for me.

Then there were stories that really didn’t disturb me, but confused me instead. The first story I remember learning about as a little child was, of course, the story of Adam and Eve, and this was a story I had accepted for many years and even enjoyed, but once I was old enough to really start using logic and common sense, I remember asking my mom how on Earth we aren’t all related if Adam and Eve were the only humans to start off with. She didn’t have an answer. And this was not the only time common sense kicked in. Knowing the story of Genesis, and the fact that the dinosaurs were not mentioned at all, it further proved to me that the Bible was not inspired by God and written by man, it was just written by man.

We still didn’t go to church throughout my childhood, but when I was in elementary school, I went to vacation Bible school with a friend of mine two years in a row. This was when I officially became a Christian. A part of me honestly felt proud of myself. Knowing that my religion was set gave me a feeling that I knew myself better, but there was a small part of me that was saying to me, “This isn’t right. This isn’t who I am.” I had managed to suppress that uncomfortable feeling for the time, but it was not about to go away forever. Looking back on it now, I remember it as just a moment of some person I didn’t even know telling me about Jesus and how I must accept him as my savior and basically telling me what to believe. I went along with it because I believed it was the right way, and the fear of Hellfire left me no room for questions.

Once I made it to about thirteen, that’s when I found myself shifting into an agnostic phase, a phase that lasted for about five years. It was during this age that science really began to explain the origin of life, and it was so fascinating to me. Evolution made a lot of sense to me, but it also rattled my faith. But it wasn’t just the science that began to shake my faith, it was the fact that I was learning that Christianity was not the only religion out there, though that‘s basically what I was brought up to believe. I was raised to believe that God had created the Heavens and the Earth, that he created the first humans, and that we are all his children, but learning that there were other religions who worshipped a different god or gods the same way we worshipped the Christian god caused me to stand back and take a closer look. Surely someone was right and someone was wrong, right? We couldn’t all be right, and we couldn’t all be wrong, either….or could we? This question stuck with me for quite some time.

Evolution was one thing, but when I learned about the Big Bang I was really beginning to question how we all really got here. My family had taught me one thing, but my schools were teaching me another, and I felt torn. But in all honestly, the science really made sense to me just as quickly as religious beliefs did to me as a child, but for a whole different reason. I believed in God because I was told to and in my mind, my parents were infallible beings. And I believed in science, not because someone told me it was true, but because I had the evidence right there in front of me, easily presented through diagrams and beautiful pictures.

Obviously feeling conflicted, I told my mom about this new theory that they were teaching us in school, and she had told me it was a load of crap and that it was impossible. She would always say, “There has to be a greater power at work.” She would always say that the Big Bang was cold, and there was nothing loving about it. I understood why she felt this way, and I could certainly see how most people find it hard to grasp, as it really puts into perspective just how insignificant we are, but I always found the theory of the Big Bang to be a spectacular look on how we might have gotten here, and knowing that our lives may have began with a simple star was just incredible to me, not cold.

Over time, all these things added up: science, lack of evidence of God, bigotry…it all piled up and pushed me closer and closer towards the dividing line. Every time anyone in my family so much as mentioned God, I would shift uncomfortably in my seat, or whenever we said grace. And I believe the moment I finally declared myself an atheist happened a little over a year ago, down at Myrtle Beach, our favorite vacation spot.

Including me, there were five of us on this beach trip. And these people, for the most part, are pretty religious, my cousin especially, who is very hard to have a conversation with without mentioning God at least once. But one evening we were all sitting out on the balcony, and the discussion of weird dreams had come up. How, I’m not sure, but I did not waste any time in jumping into this discussion. We started out just talking about funny, ridiculous dreams that we had had, but only about three minutes into the conversation, everyone wasted no time at all in talking about religious dreams. I remember just sitting there, quietly listening to them share their dreams with each other, some of them being very gruesome, and I remember feeling secluded and out of place. Eventually, I just stood up and leaned over the railing to look out over the ocean, hoping to ignore them. The next day was when I finally found myself at the crossroads.

We had planned to all go out to the beach the following day. My mom was in a particularly lazy mood, but I wasn’t about to wait up for her. Only three of us made it down to the beach first, while my mom and cousin stayed behind for a while. I was just interested in getting out in the sun and getting a tan. I was not expecting on being disturbed, but I should have known that someone would pop up to annoy me.

I had only been lying in the sun for about ten minutes when I noticed someone was looming over me. I was a bit annoyed that someone was standing over me and blocking the sun, but I noticed the guy was smiling and holding out a card for me to take. He walked on and I noticed he was passing the cards out to everyone along the beach. Curious, I sat up and removed my sunglasses so I could read what it said. The front of the card was a poor quality picture of the “Passion of the Christ” movie cover, and instantly, warning bells started going off in my head. When I flipped the card over to read what it said on the back, the first thing I read was, “Do you believe in God?” I know I read the whole thing, but that one question is the only thing I remember about that card. After that I knew I was finally at the point in my life where I had to admit the truth to myself.

I remember stuffing the card angrily into my bag and getting up to go dive into the ocean to swim off my frustration. After that, I knew what I believed and didn’t believe. After this, I honestly felt more at peace with myself, but it’s safe to say that I am a closet atheist, which still makes my life uncomfortable because I know I am living a lie in order to not face discrimination from the people I love. The only person in my life who knows about my atheism is my mom. I will never forget her first words when I first told her: “Well, that sends shivers down my spine.” The fact that she could say something so spiteful sent shivers down my spine, but I couldn’t really be surprised. I knew her reaction would be anything but respectful. As for the rest of my family, they don’t know, and I know it’s going to make life difficult for me. I know I have to tell the truth at some point, because carrying around a burden such as this is extremely unhealthy and could easily lead me into a deep depression, but it‘s basically a lose/lose situation.

And it’s not just my family that makes me feel closed in and out of place, it’s the whole world. Religion is everywhere, Christianity especially, and people will talk to you about God without hesitation, assuming everyone believes in the same thing they do. The fact that atheists are the least trusted minority in America makes me sad, sure, but more than anything, it makes me feel helpless. I know I haven’t done anything that a decent, law-abiding Christian hasn’t done to deserve being part of such a shameful statistic, and yet the mere fact that I happen to share a different opinion than the majority of the country suddenly makes me a dangerous, untrustworthy person. But all I can do is share my thoughts and opinions and hope for change.

So that is my story. This is how I came to be an atheist, and I am not ashamed. I often wonder what might have happened if we had maybe attended church frequently when I was still a child. The thought alone frightens me. To think that I could have turned out like some of these folks who have so much hate for those who don’t follow their beliefs just scares me and I am always grateful that I did not turn out like one of them.

I respect people’s faith. They have something that they deeply believe in and cherish, and that’s great. But I just wish most of them had the same respect for those who do not follow their beliefs. I wish a gay couple could walk down the street hand in hand without someone telling them they’re going to Hell. I wish a woman could go to an abortion clinic without a bunch of people harassing her and screaming at her that she is disobeying God’s law. I wish atheists could live a normal life without religion and not have people think their lives are depressing and meaningless without even taking a moment to get to know them.

I wish we did not live in a world full of so much hate.

Author’s Note: I’ve decided to revive my FictionPress account and use it for any atheistic works that I happen to make. I wrote this some time ago and posted it to my deviantART account. I did a little editing to it and decided to submit it here. Any “You’re wrong and this is why…” reviews will most likely be ignored.