Author’s Note: The odd song lyrics here and there are from the song I Was Once A Loyal Lover by Death Cab For Cutie from their newer EP The Open Door. It’s a good one. Check it out. /stupidadvertising

I met Nat Ames when I was thirteen years old, in my first year of high school. I didn’t know her at all – I mean, I’d said a brief hello and learnt her name and what she looked like, but that was it. After that, we’d pass each other in the halls as if we’d never met.

After all, she was just my friend’s sister.

Alice did speak of her every so often, and I guess that’s why I did remember her at all. We were four years apart; Nat graduated when we finished grade eight.

I stood behind Alice as they cried on her last day of school, giving a small wave as she left with some of her friends to celebrate.

The year after, when grade nine had started, Alice invited me over for a sleep over. There were three other people there from her primary school, and we all laughed, we had fun. We got on pretty well.

Around ten o’clock, Nat got home from university and joined us at the dinner table, where we sat drinking tea and talking.

I’m pretty nervous around people who I don’t know particularly well – especially if they’re older than me.

Nat began to speak to me a fair amount, so out of politeness, I answered, despite my voice being quiet and me needing to think about everything three times over just to avoid stumbling over everything I said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite remember your name.”

“It’s Harte.”

Nat raised an eyebrow, “Does your last name fit in with it like some kind of pun?”

I grinned, “Well, my parents were obsessed with hardcore English names and yes, there is a sad and rather unfortunate pun: Hartley Wright.”

I guess I came across as an amusing person, because she laughed and smiled at me a lot. I got less and less nervous.

She had a beautiful smile.

Two hours later, we cleaned up the kitchen and watched a movie. Nat disappeared to study or something.

I should’ve stopped thinking about her. I should’ve concentrated on the movie. I should have done something that would have saved me so much trouble later down the track.

Three o’clock rolled around. Everyone had passed out in front of the second movie we’d started.

I gently slid the remote out of Alice’s hand and switched everything off, leaving the living room in the dark.

Damn it, I should have gone to sleep. I should’ve tried harder.

But, of course, I couldn’t. Fucking insomnia.

Fifteen minutes in: I heard a door open. Footsteps crept out and I saw the kitchen light go on.

Taking the opportunity, I decided to go to the bathroom.

I may or may not have been hoping that it was Nat.

I clumsily skulked my way down the hallway and past the kitchen. Quickly glancing in, I saw her filling up the electric kettle. She had her back turned to me and was facing the sink.

Even then, I should’ve guessed. When I noticed that her black tank top hugging her hips, her smooth, white shoulders, her skinny jeans fitting her all too well looked all too appealing, I should have forgotten about her and backed the hell away.

Of course, despite every single shred of common sense I had screaming at me in protest, I didn’t. As I was wiping my hands on my jeans as I walked back past the kitchen, Nat spoke out to me.

“You okay, Harte?”

I stopped at the doorway. Nat was sitting at the kitchen table reading through a textbook, a mug in her right hand. She gazed at me softly.

“Yeah, I just… can’t sleep.”

“Oh. Do you want some tea? Helps me sleep sometimes.”

“Uh, yeah, alright.”

The chair made a scraping noise as I pulled it out from under the table. Nat set a mug before me, dropped in a teabag and filled it with hot water.

“There’s milk and sugar if you want it.”

“Um, thanks.”

I tried not to stare as we talked into the morning. Gluing my gaze to the sugar pot worked remarkably well. Nat did notice though.

“You’re really nervous aren’t you?”

I managed to choke on my tea subtly. How, I don’t know.

My eyes shot up and met hers for a moment. “A little.”

Nat gave a chuckle, a bit of a smirk, as she got up and collected up the pot and the sugar jar. “Ah, you’re a funny one.”

I remained silent, taking the mugs over to the sink. I looked at the clock.

Five-thirty.

“Well, I’m going to pass out pretty soon. See you, Hartley.” Nat ruffled my hair as she walked past and out of the kitchen. I shivered.

A few years passed, and I was seventeen, just six months out of high school. I’d started studying graphic design at university, had a job at a café in the city and had recently bought a car.

I was doing pretty well for a kid.

I also stayed good friends with Alice. Often going over to her house before she left for a tour around Asia with some of our other friends (I opted out, not being one for travel), I’d see Nat a fair amount too, but she moved out earlier that year with her boyfriend.

She called me around that day for the use of my car.

“Harte speaking.”

“Hey Hartley, it’s Nat.”

“Oh, hey there.”

Nat was the only person I had ever known to keep on calling me Hartley – besides my parents.

“I’m moving out today, do you reckon you could give me a hand? I need to borrow a car.”

I raised an eyebrow as I held the phone in-between my shoulder and my jaw and started to cook breakfast for my family. “Are you sure you want to borrow my mini? It’s, um… rather small.”

“Yeah, my parents are out for the weekend and none of my friends have functional cars. I don’t have much to take over anyway.”

“Alright then. What time?”

“Eleven alright for you?”

“Sure. See you then.”

“Bye!”

As promised, I’d driven over to the Ames household at eleven. Nat came out and led me inside and into her room, pointing out seven boxes that needed to go, plus probably another three that she was yet to pack. Not much, my ass.

The room had a distinct scent of perfume.

I said to her that it would take two trips. I could take six boxes over while she packed up the last few and then take her and the remaining boxes. Nat agreed and wrote the address down for me.

“Ben’s going to be over there. Ring the bell for apartment five.”

“Sure thing.”

We loaded up the car – four in the back, two balanced on the front passenger seat – and I drove off.

She still made me kind of nervous.

Forty-two Jackdaw Terrace was a small apartment block, painted this horrendous salmon colour and had a small parking lot down the side. I parked outside the gate and jogged up to the visitor entrance.

I pressed the button on the old intercom labelled number five. It gave a violent whine and hissed a little.

“Hello?”

“Hey Ben, it’s Harte. I have some of Nat’s stuff with me.”

“Oh, hey Harte. I’ll be down in a tick.”

It beeped and gave a click. Gave me a zap, too.

Leaning against the wall, I slipped my hands inside my jacket pockets and waited. It took a few minutes, but Ben soon stumbled out of the lift with a set of keys. He grinned and gave a wave as he shoved open the door glass door.

I smiled back, “Hi.”

Ben ran a hand through the mass of black lanky hair on his head. His pale skin and gangly figure completed his awkward appearance.

He was a nice guy, but what was Nat doing with such an unattractive person?

“Hey there, Harte. So is the stuff in your car?”

I had refrained from letting a harsh, backhanded comment escape from me.

“Yeah, there are six boxes in there and there are another four to come.”

“Sweet. We can bring them through here.”

It took three trips up and down in the lift before the car was empty and I could go back to pick up Nat.

I made the fifteen-minute drive back to the Ames house where Nat was waiting outside with the rest of her things. This made it easy to pack everything up and go.

Along the way, Nat happily told me about the decorating plans she had for the new place. I gave nods and asked simple questions in reply. Though, I did ask something I probably shouldn’t have.

“How’re things with Ben?”

Nat gave a happy smile, “Oh, they’re really good. I still love being with him and everything… though, he seems a bit edgy on marriage. Like he’s under pressure to get on with it.”

I pulled up at a red light and cast a sidewards glance at her, “Ooh, not a commitment person, are we?”

I grinned as she laughed and gave me a playful slap. “It’s not like that, it’s just that you know, we’re still young, we still have things to do. God, I still need to finish uni, for starters.”

I continued to be a bastard and prodded the subject further, “So you are planning on getting hitched?”

Nat slapped me again, “You’re such an ass, Harte.”

Laughing, I parked outside the apartment block again, “I’m just kidding, Nat. I know what you mean.”

We got out. Nat went to ring the bell and I started to bring the boxes over. A trip and a half up and it was all done.

“Okay, well I’m off.”

Nat looked up from a box on the floor that she was pulling things out of, “You sure you don’t want to stay for something to eat?”

I glanced at Ben, who was packing things into a cupboard in the kitchen and shook my head, “No, I have to go to work pretty soon.”

“Oh, alright then. I’ll walk you down.”

I was about to say, “don’t worry about it” but Nat had grabbed the keys from the counter and shooed me out the door.

We reached the visitor’s entrance. Nat gave me a hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek. “Thanks a lot Hartley.”

I gave an awkward smile, freaking out a little because I didn’t know where to put my hands. “Not a problem. See you around, Nat.”

I shut the car door behind me and belted up before turning on the engine.

“You can’t even begin to know, how many times I’ve told myself, “I told you so”.” Went the radio.

I was a little dazed. I was a little scared: the feeling of her arms didn’t quite leave my shoulders and neck; the skin that her lips had touched remained warm despite the cold, dry air outside.

You would’ve thought she’d done more to me.

Despite what I used to think, I was still a kid.

Another two years went by. I turned twenty, and decided to go for a master’s degree in graphic design. I met a girl, and yes, I had kept the mini.

Alice and the others returned from their travels early the year before. I happily listened to their stories when we spent an evening at a quiet pub catching up. I was also brought back a case full of gifts and merchandise. Have to love those guys.

I laughed when Nat told me she was engaged, despite my actual thoughts. I was also playfully slapped yet again.

“You know I’m kidding, Nat.”

“I know. You’re still a jerk.”

“I know. Congratulations, though.”

She smiled at me.

A few weeks ago, Nat invited Alice and I to her bachelorette party, the night before her wedding day. She said Elle, my girlfriend, could come with me.

I was a little confused, and asked Alice why Nat would invite her little sister’s friend to her bachelorette party. Alice snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Dude, you’re the only one of my friends she actually likes.”

That really didn’t answer much.

I was getting ready to go to the party. Elle sat on the bed behind me as I finished getting dressed.

I buttoned up the gray waistcoat and slid on my boots, quickly stuffing my pockets with my keys, wallet and phone.

Elle put her arm around my waist, “What’s up, Harte? Why the nerves?”

I blinked distractedly and looked at her, “I… um, nothing’s wrong. Just not one for parties, you know?”

She kissed my cheek, “Come on, you’ll be okay. We don’t have to stay the whole night, if you don’t want.”

I shrugged, “I don’t mind.”

My family was out, so I locked up before we got into the car and drove off. Elle poked through the CD collection and selected one before pushing it in and pressing play.

“I wait to talk when I should listen, I crowd mistakes with false revisions. All my friends are forward thinking: getting hitched and quitting drinking.”

My knuckled turned white as my grip turned vice-like around the steering wheel. Elle hastily changed the track.

We pulled up a little way down from forty-two Jackdaw Terrace. I wondered how many people Nat had invited, considering how full the street was with parked cars and the sound of thumping music I could hear even from outside.

Elle took my hand as we walked up to the visitor’s entrance. I could smell the scent of hair product Elle had straightened her hair with. The cold night air stung my cheeks. I held onto the gift of vouchers and a few CDs for Nat a little too tightly.

It took me a moment, but I remembered the apartment number and pressed number five on the intercom. It buzzed angrily and whined at an excruciatingly high pitch. I pulled my hand back as it zapped my fingers.

“Hello?” Background noise distorted Nat’s voice.

“Hey Nat, it’s Harte.”

“Who now?” She repeated.

“It’s Harte!” I said a little louder.

“Oh, hey! I’ll buzz you in.”

There was a beep, another buzz and a click as the door unlocked itself.

We let ourselves in and took the lift up.

As we got closer to the apartment, the music continued to get louder. I wondered if all of the other tenants were out.

We came to a stop and stepped out, almost immediately facing the door with the number five bolted to it.

I knocked when I realised there wasn’t a bell.

My hands were shaking.

When no one came after a minute or two, I raised my hand again, ready to knock once more.

The lock gave slide and a click, and the door swung open to reveal Nat in a short black halter neck dress fit to be on the red carpet. Her dark hair, most recently cut into a bob and streaked with blonde I thought to be a good look.

The noise was incredible.

“Hey guys!” Nat smiled and gave me a hug.

She was nervous. She was very nervous and uncomfortable about something.

“Hey Nat.” I smiled and held out the little gold parcel, “For you and Ben.”

She kissed my cheek again, “Aw, thank you!”

Nat was stiff and tense. Her smile was ridiculously forced.

“Oh, and this is Elle. Elle, Nat, Nat, Elle.”

They exchanged polite hellos and shook hands.

“Well, Alice’s on the veranda if you want to say hello- hey guys!”

Another couple just behind us had just arrived, and drew Nat’s attention away. We stepped into the dark, pulsing apartment room. The music was loud, and the living room was packed with people dancing. Others were on the veranda talking and some were near the kitchen counter drinking and eating.

As it turned out, Elle knew a few people who were in a few of her classes and said she was going to talk to them. I replied that I would join her in a moment, after I caught up with Alice.

“Okay, hon. See you in a bit.”

She gave me a quick peck on the lips and went over to the kitchen counter.

I did love Elle.

Alice was on the veranda, talking with an older friend of Nat’s, whom I knew to be named Jarred and was in one of my design classes for a while.

He also had an interest in me for about a month, but then he met Alice. I found that rather funny.

I said hi and spoke with them both for a while, before excusing myself to get a drink and get back to Elle.

Alice clearly still wasn’t that comfortable with me being gay. She looked away when I said “girlfriend”.

I always found this rather odd, considering the people her sister mixed with – where the girls were bisexual, had all kissed each other in a not-so-friendly way and yet all had boyfriends, and the boys just let everything slide.

You can’t judge people by their family members, I suppose. Plus, I never quite got the impression that the Ames sisters were always that close to each other.

I got back to Elle who was talking to Ben and a few others in the kitchen. I smiled at Ben and offered my congratulations. He smiled back and passed me a bottle of beer.

I still don’t like the taste, but I wanted that numbing feeling. Something told me to forget how to feel for just a few hours.

So the night went on. I stayed near the kitchen talking to some of Ben’s friends, drinking away. Elle had disappeared elsewhere. I thought I saw her dancing.

Yeah, I was stupid.

I should’ve left her alone.

I saw Nat slink off into the bathroom down the small hallway. It looked like she’d been crying. After a few minutes, I realised that no one had followed her.

Again, I excused myself and tried to stumble over to the bathroom as steadily as I could. Twice the room spun around and the floor left my feet for a moment.

Knocking on the bathroom door in the dark hallway, I heard someone crying inside.

I should have walked away.

Tentatively, I opened the door and peeked in. Sure enough, Nat sat with her knees to her chest, hands desperately wiping tears away from her face.

Even with the smeared make up and red eyes, I still found her beautiful.

I shut the door behind me and knelt beside her, grabbing a wad of toilet paper and gently trying to dry her face.

She seemed shocked when she saw it that it was me. The bathroom light flashed.

My words were slightly slurred as I murmured to her, “I’d ask if you were okay, but I think that’s a rather redundant question.”

Her breath smelled of alcohol. “Harte, I don’t think I’m ready- I don’t think I can do this… I’m so scared.”

I sat down beside her and put an arm around her fragile, shaking shoulders. Tears continued to stream down her face. Something told me that even after those two years, there was still a lot of pressure from Ben’s side to get married.

I gently leant my forehead against the side of her head. Her hair still smelled of product, but was slightly damp. “You can do this, Nat. You’re a strong girl.”

“I- I should have said wait, I should- I should’ve said no…”

Nat started to cry, harder this time. I wiped the tears that I could catch away with my thumb.

She was cold. The bathroom light flickered again.

I got up again to get more toilet paper, this time dampening it with warm water. I knelt before her and handed it to her. Nat managed to wipe the majority of the make up streaks from her face. She sobbed quietly.

Her hair felt damp as I pushed it away from her forehead. Her skin was smooth.

She tilted her head up very slightly and her gaze met mine.

I had never noticed, but her eyes were a dark, green-blue colour. Her hand had found a light grip on the front of my shirt collar. She pulled me closer.

I should have pulled away.

My lips crashed down on hers. We shared a rough, passionate kiss. I was very much the junior in this; she led everything, just because she could.

Teeth, tongue and lips.

My hands and knees settled on the cold bathroom floor, just on either side of her hips and legs. I felt her free hand grabbing into the hair on the back of my head. The nerve endings down the back of my neck went berserk, sending electric sparks through my body.

Her tears were warm on my face.

Then Nat pulled away for a moment. For a fleeting moment, her glazed over eyes stared into mine. They said, “What the hell am I doing?”

She dragged me up and pushed me onto the tiled wall. Again, I was clearly the junior. Nat was surprisingly strong, considering she had a slight build and was half a head shorter than me.

Nat pulled me into another kiss. She seemed to like keeping one hand on my collar. A small, and rather cold hand ran its way up my stomach. I bucked slightly: it was just a bit unexpected.

I kept it simple for the moment and left my hands on her waist.

I loved the feeling of her smooth, pale skin under my lips. I kissed her neck, her shoulders, her jaw – anything that was left bare to me. I felt the top of her leg pressing up into my groin. I gave a drunken grin – I don’t know if she noticed or not – and dragged my hand along her leg and eventually drew it under the skirt of her dress.

She was warm and moist against my hand. A quiet moan escaped Nat’s lips as she bucked and gyrated against me.

I caught that whiff of alcohol again – though, I couldn’t have been any better. Our movements were fumbled and clumsy and I was surprised that we managed to stand up straight, as Nat tried to unbutton my shirt and I pushed aside her flimsy underwear and pressed my fingers inside of her.

She bit down on my lip: I think to stop herself from screaming too loud. Instead, she groaned against my mouth. I came at the mere sound.

Nat rolled against my fingers, gasping and moaning at every movement. I nipped at her neck, careful not to leave marks.

The warm, clear fluid gushed from her opening as Nat reached her climax and came. She was still trying to keep the noise down, despite the party still raging outside.

I kissed her lightly on the lips and then dropped to my knees, lifting her skirt and pressing my lips elsewhere. I kissed the insides of her soft, velvety thighs, making her shudder, before slowly licking away her come.

I stood again, wrapping my arms around Nat’s shoulders and holding her close. She was panting as she leant her forehead against my shoulder, pressing a single kiss to my neck. I kissed the top of her head, inhaling the sudden scent of alcohol, sex and sweat that hung around her. Our quiet pants and gasps echoed around the tiny bathroom.

The bathroom light flickered once more, and burst, leaving us in the dark.

Of course she was never a commitment person. I knew that.

“I was once a loyal lover, whose lips did never seek another’s.”