Down About Love

Another little feeling drabble. Cara is down about love, hoping her feelings for James will dissapate.

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I lay awake most nights just thinking. I think about beautiful love stories with happy endings that just don't seem to happen in the real world, but my imagination paints a tantalizing picture of romance that I cannot seem to refuse.

I think about my wedding night, what my first real date will be like, what the first kiss with someone I love will be like. I just wish that these bedtime stories that I tell myself would come true sometimes. So that I could feel the emotion that I am constantly trying do deny myself. So that just once I may feel love and need for someone.

Not a selfish need, but a need in which we meet half-way. So that we may be one, not two separate halves.

I want to feel that way about someone.

It scares me sometimes to think like this, but it's been on my mind so much lately. I just can't erase what my thoughts have been putting me through. I want to be able to be real with someone and not eternally fake.

My stories give me the chance to escape the brutal reality of hatred and feeling empty. Everyone in my family has fallen in love, but I can't seem to find someone who is worth so much to me that I wont dump them at the first sign of trouble.

Friends, acquaintances, family, lovers...out of all these there has never been one that I felt extreme, life-changing heart break over losing. I never even bothered to get them back.

When I was 9, my aunt Brenda died from cancer. I cried at her funeral, but when everyone else was broken over her loss, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I was always stamped as the morbid child in my family. I dealt with death in a different way then other children--and even some adults--did.

In my adolescent years I took death so seriously, when my other friends were out taking risks and having a good time, I hung back and calculated the consequences of their actions for them. I've lost a lot of friends to death and otherwise.

Some call what I do to people a defense mechanism, I just call it stupidity. Why can't I get close to anyone? Why is it so easy for me to throw people away?

And you. I liked you. I liked you a lot, but when you stopped talking to me...it was easy for me to give you up. But your memory has been bugging me nonstop. I see your face in every flash of the infinite pictures in my mind.

I'm over you, so why can't I just forget you? I wonder aloud to no one, but even as I speak it I know the reason.

I don't ever forget anyone, I just hide their memories away from myself so that the pain might ease, but it never did.

I still remember all of them. Mindy, Kayla, Scott, Timmy, Stacey, Angela, The Wyatts, The Elliots, Jake, Abbie, Peter, Patrick, Nathaniel, Melody, Kaitlyn, Lindsey, Christina, Kaitlin, Caitlin, Kayla, Heidi, Jeri, Emily, Crystal and so many other names I can't even list.

I remember all the people who I have hurt by getting involved, but I also remember what I gave them. UNITY.

Because of me, the friends I had in high school that would've otherwise never spoken to each other are friends now, but the sad thing is I was left out of all of this uniting. Too bad so sad, huh?

You, James, you are the hardest one to 'forget'. Why can't I just be over with this?

I don't like you anymore, James. Why can't I stop thinking about you? Why is your face attached to every thought that I have? I'm tired of mentioning you. I'm tired of checking my facebook when I know I wont get a message from you.

I don't know what I did, James. I don't know what I did to make us stop talking, but it's killing me inside. Please, I need some closure. I'm sorry. I don't even know if what happened was my fault. I don't get it. I don't get any of this.