Him

Images plague my head like the lasting embers of a blazing fire. His eyes watch mine; hungry to see more. He doesn’t say anything, but I can tell. But he also sees past my warm flesh. He knows me like no one else could know me. But that should be a distant memory. It’s all over now. I compromised our friendship by three little words, but they were said with too many. Now there are no replies, all I get are blank stares and empty eyes. I had brought this upon myself. If I could have kept my mouth shut, it would have been fine. But he started haunting my mind. I could no longer dream without seeing his face. But I guess it started before then, when I let myself wish and dream and hope.

I should have known better. I know my place in the world, but he made me forget it. Sweet talking, flirting, and making me feel wanted and sometimes needed. He made me forget my place in the world. It’s my job to be there when people need me. It’s my job to be empathetic and comforting and understanding. I am the shoulder to cry on. I think of others before myself. I’m “happy” when others are truly happy. But he, he made me want something for myself. He made me feel selfish. For once on my life, I wanted myself to be truly happy, instead of feeding off of others’ joy. And that’s exactly where I fucked up.

I was selfish, so what happened? I was punished with cruelty that I’ve never seen or experienced before. Pain is the form of torture that the cruel and unforgiving fates have set upon me. Despair, pain, loneliness: these are my well-deserved punishments. My insides churn as though I’ve drank acid. It’s irrational. My head, logic, says that it makes sense. Age, distance, it all is clear why it happened. But my heart, my heart says that no one could have been so cruel and unfair. No one who I trusted could have, or even should have, done that to me. I trusted him enough to give him my heart and to not break it. To not shatter it into so many little pieces that it was beyond recognition. He knew it was fragile to begin with, but he insisted upon hurling it at the plaster walls until no one, not even I, wanted to put it back together. A little happiness in my life was all I wanted; and what I got was eternal loneliness.

The punishment does seem a bit harsh, but it definitely did its job. It taught me the lesson that I thought U had already learned: never wish beyond your means and never question fate. What wants to happen will happen, it’s that simple. I was out of place and in the wrong to ever want something I could never have. Foolish, stupid.

Every time I close my eyes his face floats to my mind, laughing at me and my naivety. It won’t go away, it won’t die. He flattered me, I gave in. He crowds my mind and fogs my thinking. It’s eating me alive and I feel as though it’s impossible to stop. My heart races, it’s pounding in my ears, my blood is boiling. But the best part is, is that people don’t know. They don’t know any of these feelings I harbor because of the smile I wear, because of the “I’m fine” and “It’s okay.” They don’t think, “Is she really fine? Is it really okay?” I don’t really mind that no one thinks about me like that. It’s actually better that way; it doesn’t make me seem as weak as I really am.

Not really sure what to title this one. I think it's kind of confusing. But I really needed to get out my steam and blah. So this is pretty raw stuff, right from the depressed teenager's head. Hehe. I would enjoy reviews to hear what you think. I always try to review back. 3