A/N: Why, you ask? I was bored. Plus, I really am getting irritated with stories that have horrible grammar. Some are only minor errors that you can ignore, but a lot of stories are riddled with errors. No matter how awesome the story, I cannot read it if it has that many mistakes. Hence why I am majoring in English. ^^

Warnings: A lot of bolded, italicized, and underlined words. Even some words that are all together. I may just offend you by accident. Sorry in advance.

Disclaimer: I don't own fictionpress, fanfiction, Hannah Montana, or google. I own this silly essay, simply because I took the whole day to write it (when I probably should have been doing something a bit more productive.)

7+ Steps to Sexy Grammar

Hello, all. This is your — not so — favorite author, The Lady Pendragon (which is a pen-name I will most likely change in the future; I have a short attention span.)

Okay, moving on, your liking or not liking me isn’t the point. The point is, we all love to read and/or write. Why else would we be here? We share the same passion, and some of us are really talented at it. BUT! I get really, terribly annoyed when I find something new on fictionpress and it has the most original, amazing plot, but there are so many errors that can and should be easily avoided. Hence this essay-like rant.

Now, I’m not going to say I’m great at grammar, punctuation, and all that jazz, but I do know that I try, and I have grown way better during my time on fictionpress (just over two years, in fact.) So, I want to help new writers that are just starting out, who may or may not know how to make their work look clean and polished, or even old writers who are so experienced that they believe they don’t need good grammar. That’s where you’re wrong — everyone should try to improve, no matter how good.

I will now point out some common errors that I’ve seen.

“I don’t want to loose you, Timmy! You’re all that I have!”

“You don’t want to loose me? As in loosen; alleviate; relax; release; set free? I don’t think I understand, Mary...”

1. Lose, Not Loose!

I’ve seen this countless times. Authors replace the correct word with something that sounds like it. Mary is trying to say that she does not want to lose Timmy, meaning she does not want to be deprived of his company. He is not an animal for her to loose on to the world.

Other common, misplaced words are: Where instead of wear; here instead of hear, affect instead of effect; allusive instead of elusive; who instead of whom; waste instead of waist; mail instead of male; apart instead of a part; are instead of our; tee instead of tea; etc. and vice-versa.

I feel that there, their, and they’re, as well as to, too, and two, deserve to be mentioned specifically.

There: as in, a place. “There is the Eiffel tower. There is your mom. There is the bathroom.”

Their: as in, a person’s possession. “Their house is big. That is their cat. They park their car in that garage.”

They’re: as in, an abbreviation of they and are, hence the apostrophe. “They’re coming tomorrow. They’re going to be tired. They’re angry with you.”

To: as in, a preposition. Prepositions give information about things like time, place, and direction. "Let's go to the movies. Where to? What do you want to do?"

Too: as in, 'also' or 'in excess'. "I ate too much ice-cream! I want to go, too! I ran too much at the park."

Two: as in, the number. Most of the time, people know not to mix this one up with the others (or so I hope.) "I'm only two years old. We've been dating for two years. That'll be two dollars."

Affect and effect are also troublesome. I find myself often falling to their wiles.

Affect: as in, something that influences. “The rain affected my mood. My cold affected my immune system. My hunger affected my temperament.”

Effect: as in, the result. “The effect was horrendous. The effects made the movie great. The effect was scary.”

It’s and its, as well as whose and who’s, sometimes throw authors for a loop.

It’s: like they’re, it’s is a contraction for it is. “It’s a wonderful day! It’s kind of cold. It’s annoying.”

Its: indicates possession. Unlike with a noun, you don’t need an apostrophe with its. “The dog opened its mouth. The cat rubbed its belly. The tree wanted to have its say.”

Whose and who’s is very similar.

Whose: indicates possession. “Whose is that? Whose dog barks so loud? Timmy is whose boyfriend?”

Who’s: it’s a contraction for who is. “Who’s at the door? Who’s that? Who’s he?”

These are all very simple, minor errors, and can easily be avoided. How, you ask? Well, you can always google it; check the definitions of the word, or synonyms for it before using it. These things are nothing to be ashamed of. I do this all the time (and have no problem admitting it publicly.) The wise man is not the one who never makes errors, but rather the one who makes errors and seeks to improve them.

“Timmy I love you so much and I want to be with you and bear your children because I want to show you just how much I care!”

“Whoa, Mary, take a breather!”

2. Comma, Comma, Comma!

Commas make the world — of writing — go round. Not spacing your words with a few commas is the equivalent of speaking without pause. It makes your work run on and on, burns the eyes of your reader, and makes you look shoddy in the process.

One of the most common mistakes I’ve seen is this: “How much for that boy?” Now, doesn’t it make you sound like you want to buy a slave? Not cool (though it is pretty popular on fictionpress, I don’t condone real life slavery.) The actual intent was to ask the boy how much a certain object was. “How much for that, boy?”

Let me show you what I mean (I’ve bolded the correct sentences):

“I love you Timmy.” v.s. “I love you, Timmy.”

“Can I buy that bag Miss?” v.s. “Can I buy that bag, Miss?”

“Unhand me you dog!” v.s. “Unhand me, you dog!”

Do you see where I’m going with this? There are other situations where commas are paramount, also. When describing a word with adjectives, and you use more than one adjective, you should insert a commas between the adjectives. Like so.

“Timmy is so cool hot and smart.” v.s. “Timmy is so cool, hot, and smart.”

“His eyes are a big blue and all-encompassing ocean!” v.s. “His eyes are a big, blue, and all-encompassing ocean!”

Commas should also be used to separate to different parts of a sentence.

“I like it don’t you?” v.s. “I like it, don’t you?”

“His eyes are blue right?” v.s. “His eyes are blue, right?”

“What do you mean you don’t like girls?” v.s. “What do you mean, you don’t like girls?”

“Mermaids are awesome aren’t they?” v.s. “Mermaids are awesome, aren’t they?”

You can also solve these errors if you just patiently weed through your work. Commas used to be my mortal enemies; now we have tea every Friday afternoon (some corny humor.) I think a grammar-check can also be of help, but they often miss things, so my best advice is to just look through it yourself. If you care about your work, you really should.

"Timmy, you're, so, awesome, and, I, love, you, marry, me, please?

"Huh?"

2. Comma, Comma, Comma Cont.

The opposite of too little commas is too many. Some authors try to hide the fact that they don't really know proper grammar by inputting way too many commas. There are also some people who think they're suddenly masters of the written word because if insert a whole bunch of commas (not knowing that they are putting said commas in all the wrong places.) The best way to avoid this is by following all of the instructions above, so you know exactly where to put the commas. I felt the need to add in this section, because there are many who are way too comma-happy (just as dangerous as gun-happy, but slightly less fatal — just slightly.)

“Timmy, ur leik so hott n smexy! C u l8r, lvr boi! LOL!”

“Erm, Mary, honey, you’re not texting me, so why are you talking like that?”

3. Write, Don’t Text!

This doesn’t happen that often, but that it should happen even once or twice is a shame. I don’t mean to be stereotypical (especially since I’d just be insulting myself, considering my age), but it’s mostly prevalent with teen writers who are so used to texting, and shortening their words to make it quicker, that they do it whilst writing. I don’t blame them; I did the same thing when I was thirteen and spent way too much time online to chat. Luckily, some oldies on the web cleared me up by telling me not only how stupid I sounded, but that I wouldn’t get any respect by writing like an amateur. Needless to say, I was red behind the ears after hearing that, but it only made me realize the error of my ways. I don’t remember whom it was, but I’d like to thank them for their helpful critique.

This one has a pretty simple solution. JUST DON’T DO IT!!! -Kind smile- Thank you. And remember, you are in charge of making sure you don’t look like a moron. Another thing I’d just like to mention is, don’t forget to capitalize.

“Timmy, I’m still not speaking to you, but did you happen to recieve a package in my name?”

“Um, no, I do not believe I have.”

4. ‘I’ Before ‘E’ Except After ‘C!’

Remember that annoying little rule your chirpy teacher drilled into your head during elementary school? Yeah, well it actually means something, sweetheart!

“I percieve something is going to go very wrong today.” v.s. “I perceive something is going to go very wrong today.”

“I recieved something very weird in my mail.” v.s. “I received something very weird in my mail.”

“Don’t aleinate him, okay?” v.s. “Don’t alienate him, okay?”

“Yay, the Alleid forces won!” v.s. “Yay, the Allied forces won!”

A simple solution would be to a get a word-processor with spell-check. Or you can just google a free spell-check online. That’ll tell you how to fix those and other minor spelling errors.

“Your wrong, Timmy!

“If you say so, Mary...”

5. Contractions Aren’t Always Painful!

We discussed contractions in the form of they’re, who’s, and it’s very briefly (these are the most difficult contractions, I believe.) A contraction is an abbreviation of two words together so the final outcome is a compilation of both words. It’s like a proper form of chat-speak (LOL.)

Other contraction errors include your instead of you’re. You’re means you are, while your indicates possession. This seems to always be the case.

“Your so irritating.” v.s. “You’re so irritating.”

“Your just like your dad.” v.s. “You’re just like your dad.”

“Your alone now.” v.s. “You’re alone now.”

Spell-check can’t always catch this one. You have to work diligently and go back to check for errors because it’s easy to miss.

“That’s Atticus’ soup.”

“Then don’t touch it.”

6. The Possessive Plurals – Dun, Dun, Dun!

A lot of people get confused about whether to add an apostrophe 's' (i.e. ‘s) to the name of a character whose name ends in 's,' too. Heck, this confuses me, sometimes. But in all actuality, you’re supposed to, even though it may occasionally look awkward.

‘S: This is okay to use when describing a person’s possession over something, no matter if their name ends with an 's'. “That’s Atticus’s ball. That’s Timmy’s toy. That’s Adonis’s sexy body.”

S’: This is to be used when describing a group of people’s possessions, in plural form. “Those are the students’ parking spaces. Those are the reporters’ messages. That pile belongs to the dogs’.”

It is, however, all right to use an apostrophe 's' in the cases of some words that change in plural form (i.e. men, women, people instead of dogs, cats, bags, etc.) In that case, it is okay to say, for example, “That’s the men’s wear department. That was the people’s choice. Women’s right to vote is important.”

“Timmy, I’m breaking up with you. Now that I know how to hold my own in a grammar-war, I don’t need you anymore!”

“B-but, Mary... I can’t believe you used me like that!”

7. Tips and Tricks!

Okay, I don’t think there is much more I can add. Those are the most basic and common errors I’ve seen. I mean, some are forgivable, but I just hate seeing great writing being disparaged because of either ignorance or laziness.

So, to end this little essay of sorts, I’ve compiled a list of simple tricks to keep your work clean of errors (or as close to clean as possible.) Remember, as long as you do your best, no one can expect much more from you.

A. Spell-check doesn’t always work, but you should give it a look through anyway.

B. Read your work over and over again to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

C. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. There are loads of services available to you for free online.

D. Write a lot. Experience is the best medicine.

E. Not everyone is out to get you personally (though some are, I’m sure.) Listen to your reviewers. I’m not asking you to jump when they say jump, but heed small tips. Don’t get offended too easily.

F. Have friends or teachers look through your work, just to pick up on anything you might have missed. Don’t get big headed if they tell you that you’re the best thing since sliced bread — girl/boy, sliced bread is awesome, and you don't even come close to comparing (just kidding.)

G. Read a lot. Sometimes you can absorb wonderful skills just by doing a task as easy as reading a good book. This doesn’t mean you should pick up a book filled with slang terms and emulate it. Pick well. A good book can work wonders.

H. Always seek to better yourself. If you’re always adamant about how right you are, you can never get better. Everyone can afford to get better — no one is perfect, after all (if Hannah Montana has anything to say about it — nobody's perfect, I gotta work it again and again to get it right!)

I. Never give up! Now, I know I might sound like a corny, idealistic children’s show right about now, but it’s true. Even if someone tells you that you are the worst writer they ever suffered to see, writing is your passion, and no one has the right to tell you to stop. If you stick to it long enough, you’ll get better in no time. Remember, they told Albert Einstein that he was a whacko and should quit while he was ahead. Did he? Of course not — and he created a theory that was used to make a weapon of mass destruction. Don’t go that far, please. Make peace, not war.

J. Last but not least, if you know your grammar isn’t that great, but you also know you’re too lazy to do anything about it, don’t feel guilty for getting a beta. Remember, the best novelists in the world have an editor. I have a beta, too, because I knew I was too lazy to apply what I’d learned by going back to fix old work (I edit new work on my own.) That doesn’t make me ashamed. A beta not only fixes errors, they also allow you to bounce your ideas off of them, or to tell you if something, plot or otherwise, could use some changing.

I part with you now in the hopes that you will improve (and I’m always hoping I’ll improve, so don’t get offended.) Don’t think I did this selflessly, though. I did it so I could great read work without tearing out my eyes at all of the errors. -Is pelted with stones- I hope to see great writers on fictionpress (and there are already quite a few), and I also hope that all of you get to accomplish your dreams, writing or otherwise (though I’d be kind of miffed if one of you dropped off the radar to become a mailman or something — no offense to mailmen.) I hope this helps you accomplish your goals, if only a little. And, in a show of shameless self-endorsement, I leave you by asking one thing — go read my work!

A/N: I am a beta, so feel free to ask me. I'm on summer break, and while I enjoy my endless hours of mindless laziness, I'm bored out of my mind. If you want to check out my editing skills, look at my story Boy Bride and The Wizard's Apprentice. I'm having a beta fix Silent Song, and both Fairytale Boys and Vampire Moon are on indefinite hiatus, so don't look to them, okay?