The “Eww, Banana” Chronicles

Short Story Number Three

“The Wedding Crashers”

I know for a fact that this happened on June sixth or seventh, because it was the weekend before my eighth grade graduation. What was it, you ask? A wedding. More specifically, it was a wedding for my mom’s boss’s daughter, who was getting (you guessed it) married to a guy she’d been dating for a while. The boss’s daughter is my friend’s, Ryuu’s, sister. I was very excited to go to this wedding; as I had not been able to remember any other times I had been to a wedding.

If I have been to one, then obviously I have a very bad memory. Which I don’t think I do. Do I?

Anyways, so we arrive at the church where a huge crowd is filling the foyer, find a way to squeeze ourselves (ourselves meaning my parents and me, you sillies) into the large room. It’s your classic, huge and extravagant Catholic church.

Just for the record, I’m Baptist so I’ve never been inside a church like this.

So as we take our seats for the ceremony to start, I already know this is going to be extremely long, so I begin to occupy myself with examining the huge stained glass windows on the far wall. My dad is trying to get the row behind us to do the wave, whilst my mother is looking for a water bottle because she’s already declared “It’s too gosh darn hot in here!”

Mom, just sit down, it’s not that hot.

So while I am occupying myself with examining the large stained glass windows on the far wall, I hear a familiar laugh—no, more like a cackle—come from somewhere to my right. I turn very slightly to the right, and then use peripheral vision to see who it is.

Oh, of bloody course it’s her.

Great, just great. And look, she’s got a little boyfriend too. Oh just gag me with a flippin’ spoon.

Matoko Hunt is sitting in a pew on my right side, two pews up from where I am actually sitting. She’s decided to have straight hair today. She’s wearing a hot pink dress that—and I’m sorry but it’s sort of true—looks positively horrible on her. Hot pink is not her color. To top it off, she has a black lacy shrug on that does not match the style of her dress whatsoever, and she’s wearing those dastardly gladiator sandals that everyone loves these days.

In my opinion, it was one of those trends that should have never come back.

The poor victim of her affections at this moment is sitting to her left on the same pew, and he is talking to her in a hushed tone. She has her legs crossed as she’s facing him, and it almost looked like she wanted to sit on his lap.

Oh, just flippin’get a room already.

So time passes by extremely slowly for the next who-knows-how-long, “you may now kiss the bride”, yada yada, and we’re off to the reception.

So we’ve begun to eat the amazing food, which is the only reason I think my dad came, and suddenly I begin to see something happening over in the corner in the shadows of the building.

Ren (Matoko’s victim) is setting up a little area for them to eat, using a small table that was already there and pulling up one chair. Note. One. Chair. The table is set up against the wall of the house (Oh, yeah, by the way, we’re outside in the backyard) and it is in the shadows. Matoko proceeds to bring their plates over to the table, laughing at something Ren said. Ren sits down in the chair.

And then—the horror.

She flippin’ sits on his lap! Right down onto his lap, and as he reaches an arm around her shoulder I am totally mortified. I’m at a table that is about fifteen, twenty feet away from their little spot, trying to eat, and I am totally mortified. My food on my fork falls off and back onto the plate as my mouth is left open and gaping in disbelief.

I quickly shut it and observe the horror that is taking place.

Now I had a feeling that she was just trying to make me jealous of the fact that she had a boyfriend. She would shoot me nasty glances every once in a while, but I simply ignored her and continued to eat. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be jealous of the fact that you’re just looking, well, to put it bluntly, like a slut right now.

Judging from the looks some people were getting on their faces, I could see that they agreed.

My mom had begun to notice their little escapade to the corner, and she quickly began to mutter things to herself in disgust. My father was saying something about how if it were me, he would have shot the boy and locked me in my room until I was thirty.

I reassured him that I would never do that, and he just sighed deeply, as in relief.

But really, this was getting disgusting.

I’d lost my appetite somewhere along the line, because now Matoko had her arms about his neck and her head lightly on her shoulder. He was whispering something to her, his arms around her torso.

Or at least I’d like to hope he was just whispering in her ear.

I shot a glance over to the newlyweds.

They were sitting at a special table set for two. Ryuu’s sister was smiling generously at her new husband, and he the same to her. They were conversing about who knows what, and she placed a hand over his as she laughed.

Dear Lord Almighty.

I glanced back over to Matoko and Ren, then shivered.

They were worse than the bloody newlyweds. At the flippin’ wedding reception!

I sat there in silence and tried to ignore the monstrosity before me.

After I had finished eating, a chirpy male voice pipes up beside me.

“Hi Ayumi!”

“Hey Ryuu. How’s it hanging?”

“Good.” He took the seat next to me at the tables, my parents having gone over to sit in the shade. “They’re about to—”

Someone set a bottle of sparkling cider down at our table. Huzzah, they remembered us kids. I didn’t think that my mom would be too pleased if they gave me champagne.

“Toast?” I raised an eyebrow, smiling a bit as I grabbed my plastic cup. It was basically a plastic champagne glass. You know, one of those ones where the bottom pops off.

“Yeah, toast.” He chuckled lightly and grabbed a plastic cup as well.

I proceeded to pour my glass, though I think I poured it just a tad too high. Ryuu took the bottle next, pouring only a small amount, not even an inch high from the bottom of the cup. Let me explain. He has diabetes; therefore he must be careful about his intake of foods and drinks. This is why he can only have that small bit.

He stares at it almost solemnly. “This is all I can have.”

And before I can react, he kicks it back and he’s drank the whole bloody cup.

I slap my forehead with my hand and start to laugh.

“Ryuu…”

“What?” He asked defensively, playing with the now-empty cup in his hands.

“You dummy, you were supposed to wait!” I exclaimed, laughing generously, careful not to knock over my own cup.

“Wait for what?” He stared at me, puzzled.

“The toast!!”

A long pause.

“Oh yeah…oops.”

So in the time between the toast and the end of the reception, I had just been mortally scarred for life.

Why me?

Matoko and Ren had totally ignored the rest of the guests, ignored the toast, and had become so much more touchy feely than the bride and groom that it was just disgusting. They were only fourteen and fifteen, respectively. The bride and groom were in their twenties.

Yeah.

So now Matoko was still on his lap, and she still had her arms around his neck. He still had his arms around her, and he had his head on her shoulder, her head on top of his.

The whole thing oozed “get a room.”

But then suddenly, as if to just totally scar me for life, both of their heads are up. They look at each other for a split second, and then bam.

She kisses him very suggestively.

Now, in most romance films, this is one of the cutest scenes.

Let me tell you, it was probably one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

That was it. I couldn’t take any more of this. I was already probably going to have nightmares for a week. I grabbed my purse, swiftly walked over to my parents, and asked that we leave right this very moment.

Why?

Because I just saw a bloody monster with two heads.

Eww. Fricken. Banana. I think I might be sick.

Those bloody Wedding Crashers.

A/N: Yes, this did really happen. Although it might not seem that bad to you, I am scarred for life. Lol this falls under the category of disturbing banana moments.

Aha…the toast. Ryuu is seriously really funny when he forgets things like this. It’s his own sister’s wedding and he messes up during the toast!

Much Love,

Netty-chan