Chapter 9

I woke up early not used to the sun shining right on my face. I lifted my head to get my bearings. My thoughts were static and my eyesight was still fuzzy and as I lifted my hand to rub my eyes I touched something. Someone. Everything from the night before returned with a rush and I slowly lifted the covers. She slept on her stomach, one hand under the pillow the other stretched out behind her. Her hair fanned over the pillowcase and covered her face. I reached over and pushed the strands away from her cheeks and tucked them behind her ear. At my touch she stirred. I quickly pulled my hand back but just as I did hers suddenly grabbed my wrist.

“Andy-candy. Did last night happen?” Natalie asks quietly, her voice still filled with sleep.

“Yeah, it did,” a little afraid of what she was going to say next.

“Mmm, good.” Her face lit up in a sleepy smile, her eyes closed.

Feeling overly happy from her comment I couldn’t help but grin. I rolled over and was about to get out of bed when her hand slid around my waist under the covers. She slid closer and rested her head in the crook of my shoulder. I moved to lie on my back. I turned and looked at her. She looked so peaceful. I watched her she slept afraid to move again - that moment was just too beautiful to be lost by movement.

***

“Hey, lovebirds. We’d have to break up the lovefest but we are in a diner and we are trying to ignore you but it’s getting hard.”

Natalie and I turn to Jordan and grinned. We said our goodbyes and Natalie and I walked to her house. We’d been spending a lot of time together lately. I’d gotten to know her a lot better. I was always close with her and I had known her alot better than anyone else but only as much a friend can. Now that things had clearly changed between us a whole new continent of discovery opened up to me.

Back when she was still with M, she had always saved these little secret smiles for him, which started at the corner of her mouth and made their way across her face. Natalie always looked differently at him than at me. She loved us both but back then that love had been different. Her secret smiles were only for the type of love she shared with him. The love she shared with me was based on understanding and comfort. She was comfortable with telling me her thoughts and feelings but I never received anything from her that no one else did. M got her secrets, her inside jokes, her mix CD’s about love, her kisses, her body and her whole attention. Sure I was her best friend and had privileges above the other people in our group but I could only get so much more. She gave herself over to him completely and only saved a piece the size of a coin for the rest of the world. She poured her love over him, devoted herself to him, splashed her happiness on him and rewarded him with her heart. I once asked her if she ever got scared, opening herself up and showing so much emotion. She, in the most casual voice, said, “ I’ve changed. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but I don’t anymore. I’m in love. If you don’t risk you aren’t living. Why should I wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in his hands?” I’m not sure what she meant but from then on I knew for sure that she was his and he was hers. There was no doubt in her mind and she was ready for whatever he brought her way. She has accepted his liberation and if it didn’t work out she had acknowledged the breaking. But all the while she was prepared to experience and live. While she gift-wrapped her universe for him I could only wonder about one thing. If I would ever be the receiver of a secret smile or if I would ever partake in an inside jokes or if I would ever get her, not to own or posses completely but just to experience.

Now that I was with her those wonders clouded my mind.

I was lying on her bed and watching her go through her music on her laptop, picking out songs for a new mix CD. She was so focused that she didn’t notice me studying her. I slowly let my eyes wander over her; from the slope of her nose to the sharp curves of her collarbones to the gradual bend of her shoulders to the dip where her waist was. The night-light illuminated her left side and left the other dark. She looked extremely beautiful in this, almost inhuman and haunting way. As I watched her my chest filled with a strange feeling that left me breathless and suddenly nervous. I liked her too much already.

There is always a time in a relationship when people stop worrying about relationship happening and begin to worry about it ending. What if she had grown tired of me? What if she liked me better when we were friends? Are things awkward now? As if reading my mind she shuts off her computer, puts the newly made CD into her stereo and walks over to me. She waits for the music to begin before looking down at me. We look at each other but stay silent. She breaks out into a smile and I return her smile, letting go of my worry with her reassurance. She leans down and places her hands on both sides of the pillow, my head in between. Natalie slowly lowers her face to mine, but stops when out noses touch. Her mouth hovers over mine, not quit touching. We are breathing each other in and breathing through one another. Finally I get up on my elbows and kiss her softly. She nudges me to make room for her and lies down next to me. Our kisses turn more desperate.

We can’t get enough. This is new to both of us. Not the kissing part but the part where we are kissing each other. We have always been close but this kind of close is different. This is frightening and exhilarating. This close is not a desire for understanding or comfort this desire is for caring and touch and possibly love.

She bites my lip and pulls softly. I shiver and run my hands down her back stopping at her hips. I can feel her hipbones, sharp and hard. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her. I need her to be closer and she needs me to be closer. This new kind of close is too much and still not enough. Our bodies are touching at a thousand places and that is scary but unsatisfactory. When we finally pull apart I am filled with excitement and hope. Excitement, that I feel like this and that I can feel like this again and hope, that this feeling with last.

She rolls on her back so that only out arms are touching. Her lips are swollen and red. I must look the same and that thought makes me smile.

“Whoa,” is all she says.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” I ask and my face must have portrayed my panic because she laughs.

“Are you kidding me? I’m breathless and my mouth is sore and my head is in the clouds. This is probably the happiest I’ve felt in a while. Andy-love, you didn’t do anything wrong in fact you may have succeeded in doing something even M had trouble doing. Doing everything right.”

I grinned but didn’t add anything myseld. Anything I could have said would have ruined the moment. She was lying next to me and I could feel her heart beat pulsate through her arm, fast and clear. Mine, just like hers.

I am not in love with Natalie and she is not in love with me. But in love is a strong feeling and we were just starting out. In love was for later, more intimate moments where no other word could possibly describe our emotions. It was for moments that were too perfect to forget and very easy to remember. In love was when I couldn’t imagine a world without Natalie and just thinking about it could make my chest ache. I did not choose her and she did not choose me but we are here, lying side by side, breathing and living and experiencing. I loved Natalie and I know she loved me but we were not in love with each other. Love was present between us but not the all-conquering love but a simpler just as powerful love of a new beginning. A love only shared between people who were just getting to know each other. And for now that kind of love was enough.